Hello,
I am going to try and keep the details vague-ish (only those who know absolutely specifics will likely guess my identity, but this situation must be common enough it could be anyone).
I made a thread a few months ago after discovering a savings fund on my spouse's bank account entitled "X goes to Y" along with the purchase of two theatre tickets the day after we officially separated.
It turned out not to be a passing interest, a trip for head clearing space, but a four month emotional affair (that I can prove). My partner's close friends knew and this explains some of the odd reactions I have received.
I found their public playlists of love songs to each other. On the morning my partner left, they were listening to songs about going to the destination on the bank statement. On the anniversary of their death, the affair partner suddenly began listening to their funeral song over and over along with soundtracks from the show they were going to see.
They obviously had a huge musical connection. After my partner's sudden death, the affair-partner suddenly begins making strangely titled playlists called "moving on", "ghosts", and perhaps the worst one refers to a greek figure who died suddenly before she could be with her lover.
It explains so many things, such as the lack of valentine's that year (partner said they were not near a shop but they were on the bus to town according to their bank statement); being unable to look at me when saying they loved me; up and listening to music in the middle of the night for a few hours (time zones); brief phone panic when I asked to use it; certain of my partner's friends saying they "take comfort" in their "happiness" shortly before death. Not willing to say more because it might become obvious.
What I don't have is absolute proof (and perhaps I should be grateful I don't have to read all their inevitable messages).
As best I can tell, my partner has told their close friends I suddenly became "controlling" (this was someone encouraged to travel and see all their friends, and not once did I check their social media or phone) and "emotionally abusive", and the past few years had apparently been terrible (all whilst saying the opposite to me). And, the affair partner is themselves married, with a young child. That is something else I struggle with: what normal person brings a child into this?
I cannot possibly tell their family who I remain close to, not because I fear upsetting the relationship, but because their memories should remain intact.
Upon messaging the affair partner, they promptly deleted all their social media posts, removed the playlists, and made all public accounts private as did my partner's friends who knew (some suddenly blocked me).
There is no pretending our marriage was in trouble, but I was under the impression we were working it out in counselling. My partner told their family they "still love" me but "can't live" with me. Nothing about running off with a married person oddly enough. They also announced, before they died, they might be coming home (which also galls me as if I knew it would hardly have been an option).
I don't know if the affair was physical, and I'm not sure I care given the sustained lying is the worst part of this, coupled with monsterizing me, and in death, they have acquired saintly status described as "courageous" and "facing a fear" by their close friends. It beggars belief because all I see is a coward too afraid to tell the truth.
Ironically, one of the issues I raised in counselling was their constant need to portray themselves as the good guy when, in most situations, it's both parties doing stupid things. This one takes it to a pretty extreme level.
I don't know if I can face going through the devices I still have (a PC which I imagine is password protected). My head, understandably, is spinning and I feel like I have lost my person all over again. I cannot square what obviously happened with their apparent considering coming back, telling me they loved me, and a whole host of other messages. It feels like my partner became an alien with a split-personality.
So now, I'm left with their close friends hating me (believing them to have "rescued" someone from a bad situation who died before they could find true happiness), unable to tell their family, and raging because I cannot confront the one person who could answer.
I'm spending the trip fund money on counselling, believe me!
I'll try and say more in replies but if anyone even gets a hint of my identity I'll have to get the mods to delete.