Discovered Affair After Death

[NecessarilyAnonymous]

Hello,

I am going to try and keep the details vague-ish (only those who know absolutely specifics will likely guess my identity, but this situation must be common enough it could be anyone).

I made a thread a few months ago after discovering a savings fund on my spouse's bank account entitled "X goes to Y" along with the purchase of two theatre tickets the day after we officially separated.

It turned out not to be a passing interest, a trip for head clearing space, but a four month emotional affair (that I can prove). My partner's close friends knew and this explains some of the odd reactions I have received.

I found their public playlists of love songs to each other. On the morning my partner left, they were listening to songs about going to the destination on the bank statement. On the anniversary of their death, the affair partner suddenly began listening to their funeral song over and over along with soundtracks from the show they were going to see.

They obviously had a huge musical connection. After my partner's sudden death, the affair-partner suddenly begins making strangely titled playlists called "moving on", "ghosts", and perhaps the worst one refers to a greek figure who died suddenly before she could be with her lover.

It explains so many things, such as the lack of valentine's that year (partner said they were not near a shop but they were on the bus to town according to their bank statement); being unable to look at me when saying they loved me; up and listening to music in the middle of the night for a few hours (time zones); brief phone panic when I asked to use it; certain of my partner's friends saying they "take comfort" in their "happiness" shortly before death. Not willing to say more because it might become obvious.

What I don't have is absolute proof (and perhaps I should be grateful I don't have to read all their inevitable messages).

As best I can tell, my partner has told their close friends I suddenly became "controlling" (this was someone encouraged to travel and see all their friends, and not once did I check their social media or phone) and "emotionally abusive", and the past few years had apparently been terrible (all whilst saying the opposite to me). And, the affair partner is themselves married, with a young child. That is something else I struggle with: what normal person brings a child into this?

I cannot possibly tell their family who I remain close to, not because I fear upsetting the relationship, but because their memories should remain intact.

Upon messaging the affair partner, they promptly deleted all their social media posts, removed the playlists, and made all public accounts private as did my partner's friends who knew (some suddenly blocked me).

There is no pretending our marriage was in trouble, but I was under the impression we were working it out in counselling. My partner told their family they "still love" me but "can't live" with me. Nothing about running off with a married person oddly enough. They also announced, before they died, they might be coming home (which also galls me as if I knew it would hardly have been an option).

I don't know if the affair was physical, and I'm not sure I care given the sustained lying is the worst part of this, coupled with monsterizing me, and in death, they have acquired saintly status described as "courageous" and "facing a fear" by their close friends. It beggars belief because all I see is a coward too afraid to tell the truth.

Ironically, one of the issues I raised in counselling was their constant need to portray themselves as the good guy when, in most situations, it's both parties doing stupid things. This one takes it to a pretty extreme level.

I don't know if I can face going through the devices I still have (a PC which I imagine is password protected). My head, understandably, is spinning and I feel like I have lost my person all over again. I cannot square what obviously happened with their apparent considering coming back, telling me they loved me, and a whole host of other messages. It feels like my partner became an alien with a split-personality.

So now, I'm left with their close friends hating me (believing them to have "rescued" someone from a bad situation who died before they could find true happiness), unable to tell their family, and raging because I cannot confront the one person who could answer.

I'm spending the trip fund money on counselling, believe me!

I'll try and say more in replies but if anyone even gets a hint of my identity I'll have to get the mods to delete.

Hi AlternativePerspective,

No, I will certainly not be telling the family. I'm convinced they have absolutely no idea (and I'm somewhat astonished by what my partner was telling them versus the reality I've slowly uncovered). I've been told that my partner expressed a desire to return home and sort it all out, but obviously, had I known what I do now I doubt that would have been realistic.

Anon,

I have a horrible feeling that my partner was telling different things to different people depending upon what they thought others wanted to hear. The conversations we had before their death contradict what others have said and I no longer have any idea of the truth.

It surprises me that no-one thinks I deserve answers and, instead, there has just been a panic within the little friendship circle involving blocking and ignoring anyone who asks anything.

I do not understand the desire to concoct a story of "control" (which mysteriously coincided with the beginnings of this affair) to justify what they were doing. I also don't understand how someone can make plans with you whilst secretly scheming with someone else.

Right now, I feel I've bloody well earned the security I've been left and I'm wondering if I've had a lucky escape from a conflict averse emotionally immature coward (of course I cannot voice these thoughts publicly).

This is a messy situation that you find yourself in, one that you did generate and one that is impossible to untangle and find and real truth when there are so many layers of lies, betrayal, deception, denial, loyalties and different agendas at play - and no forum to bring these out into the open objectively.

On top of all of this you have an unexpected death which triggers all of the complex emotions of grief - shock, denial, anger, depression and acceptance which you, the AP, her parents, siblings and friends will all be feeling at different intensities and frequencies at any given time. A recipe for heightened and volatile emotions with distortion, hurt, confusion and defensiveness all at play.

You have a lot of grief and loss to process - not just the death - but also the demise of your RS, the affair discovery, the betrayal of your character to friends, the ostracisation by these friends as well as rewriting what you thought your RS was.

That’s so much to come to terms with. I won’t say unravel because there are no answers really - there is nothing you can straighten out and even if you could what does it achieve?

Take some time to have some self compassion for all that has landed on you and turned your world inside out. You have been blind sided - take enough time to settle from the reverberations - and then move on with your life. I don’t think that you will find any peace and healing by opening the laptop or trying to redraw your character assassination with the “friends” - this will at best be futile and at worst be deeply damaging. Emotionally protect yourself.

No, my partner's friends have behaved appallingly, although I'm sure they believe that they are just being loyal. It would seem one or two knew of the existence of the AP and were encouraging it. I did, understandably, speak to my close friends about our issues, but I did not effectively trash my partner to the point that opinions drastically changed (but then I was not having the affair).

I think I'm going to ask a friend to deal with the PC (this is assuming it's not password protected / we can crack it) because knowing the timeline matters to me. I don't need to see the inevitable messages.

There is just so much protracted lying from someone I thought incapable of it, and to watch them still be cast as the heroic victim escaping is galling. That is the narrative they have set up, and I agree there's little I can do beyond cut everyone involved off.

The choice of AP is also unbelievable given they are married, with a young child. At most, due to geography, they can only have met twice, and all of a sudden it becomes "you are the big love of my life, let's destroy other people through lying so we can be happy." It could have been done properly, and it's the lying, more than anything else, that I am finding so difficult.

As for the death itself, I have rather found I just feel empty about that right now. Certainly, I've lost the "where did my partner go" feeling and stopped wishing they were here given their duplicity.

You can’t control the narrative she chose to sell to others but you can choose not to prolong her lies. Be honest, you’re not protecting her family, you’re obviously very close to them and I suspect you don’t want the truth about her getting in the way of that closeness. However, the price to pay for maintaining her lies is having to smile and nod while they eulogise her. It’s your call.

As for her friends, it must be galling but you’re well shot of the lot of them. Despite being sent to prison for assaulting me, I’m sure my Ex’s family and a great number of his friends, totally believe his victim stories. Doesn’t bother me because I know who he is and that’s all that counts.

You know enough to know your partner was a pathological liar and a cheat, I don’t know how discovering the minutiae of her lies and deceit will help.

Yes, I think you're at least partly right about wanting to preserve my relationship with their family. We have become closer post-death, although admittedly, I'm struggling a bit to be normal when they call at the moment, and will be placing flowers on my partner's grave through gritted teeth (sorry, but that's the reality of how I feel). I think her sibling would deal with the news quite well but it's pointless: it was our marriage, which was between us, and not between us and everyone else.

I'm trying to get to where you are in being unbothered by what now looks like rather a lot of victim stories (this from someone who controlled all money and who, after death, was revealed to have 14 bank accounts when I only knew of four). On the anniversary of their death, one friend suddenly changed her FB banner to that of an obscure Morrissey song about "finding love in the final hours of my life." Another posted she was "moving on." For all I know, that may well have been true, and these things happen, but it directly contradicts what was said to me and their family, leaving me with no sense to be made of it.

The sad, sad thing is that it never began like this: it never does, does it? All that can be done is to give it time and think about what practical steps I can take to try and move on from it all.

I get the idea that people want to know the truth... But is that always best? Someone ignorance is bliss. I would not look on the computer, I would ditch the false friends, and I would set up my own travel fund.

I'm so sorry this happened, it's not you- trusting your spouse is not a flaw.

@Sssloou

This is a messy situation that you find yourself in, one that you did generate and one that is impossible to untangle and find and real truth when there are so many layers of lies, betrayal, deception, denial, loyalties and different agendas at play - and no forum to bring these out into the open objectively.

On top of all of this you have an unexpected death which triggers all of the complex emotions of grief - shock, denial, anger, depression and acceptance which you, the AP, her parents, siblings and friends will all be feeling at different intensities and frequencies at any given time. A recipe for heightened and volatile emotions with distortion, hurt, confusion and defensiveness all at play.

You have a lot of grief and loss to process - not just the death - but also the demise of your RS, the affair discovery, the betrayal of your character to friends, the ostracisation by these friends as well as rewriting what you thought your RS was.

That’s so much to come to terms with. I won’t say unravel because there are no answers really - there is nothing you can straighten out and even if you could what does it achieve?

Take some time to have some self compassion for all that has landed on you and turned your world inside out. You have been blind sided - take enough time to settle from the reverberations - and then move on with your life. I don’t think that you will find any peace and healing by opening the laptop or trying to redraw your character assassination with the “friends” - this will at best be futile and at worst be deeply damaging. Emotionally protect yourself.

Apologies for the typo - this should have read “....this is a messy situation that you didn't generate..”

God it’s truly awful but you are totally right in that they lied to everyone.
I would hazard that their friends have chosen to go along with the current narrative because otherwise they would have to face up to having been lied to as well.

Unfortunately you don’t get to have the ability to blithely pretend to yourself that your OH was telling the truth and they were not duplicitous. You more than anyone have to face to lies head on. Everyone else gets to blanket themselves in the comfort of the story they were told.

Deep down, they probably know the truth. They just don’t want to deal with being lied to.

Taliskerskye. Until late 2019, most of those who encouraged it were also my friends, or at least, we were on friendly terms. I have stayed at these people's houses, socialised fairly regularly with one or two, and all of a sudden, after years with my partner, I suddenly become "abusive" just as the affair begins. One of them has trashed me very publicly (somehow omitting the affair part) which has caused huge upset.

My partner's family were told that I became very difficult to live with "I still love x but can't live with her" is an exact quote. To an extent, that's true: we were both uncommunicative. The difference is, is that whilst I was talking to friends, my partner was living some elaborate fantasy life that, in the end, spilled into real life and turned out to be the real reason behind our separation.

Despite that, my partner was still saying they loved me (I have multiple messages saying so on the day they died at the same time they were speaking to the AP - unreal). I can deal with the whole "fallen out of love, met someone else" story (it happens), but what is so utterly disorientating are what I now know to be months of lies. And I'm denied the chance of confrontation and answers because dead.

It really does feel like being bereaved a second time. First I lost my partner, and then the second time, I lost my idea of who they were. It's quite difficult to function right now, but I'm only a month into discovery so hope this will improve!

All you can do is hold in your heart that you know the truth. When you start to feel like you’re going bonkers. Hold onto that truth. It’s the only thing that’s going to help you.
You are not mad or bad. You know that. And deep down everyone else probably does to, which is why I said they are in some kind of weird denial. People who are accomplished liars are a different breed.