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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do..

50 replies

Bellaboo12345 · 19/05/2021 16:46

Hi all tia for reading.. so my partner and I have been together for 11 years with a break up for about 7 month a few year ago. Here goes I'll try explain as much detail as possible to in 2010 we had a son then another in 2013 shortly after the birth of out second son my partner became aggressive and it got more and more and SS git involved so we broke up after we broke up he drank almost daily and came to my house kicking off most of the time and accusing me of having people (blokes) there he broke into my house when I was out one night and stole my dog and my kitten was dead (denies it was him) I moved out of my house into my mams shortley after with our children while I was packing up the house I found lots of empty cans bottles so he had been drinking behind my back which explains the violence he overdosed and ended up using solvents and blamed me for it all I ended up going into a refuge but he begged and begged me to get back with him said he was sorry so stupid me took him back but because my children were in danger around him I was unstable and let SS take my children and placed them in special guardianship with one of his family members. We have been together since because he made me think I had nobody without him (which was mostly correct without the boys) moving on a couple of year later the drinking and violence started again then stopped then started again and e ended up remanded in custody for smashing my head in but was released because I didn't go and give evidence im expecting the drinking all of the time then last November he drank kicked off and got arrested and hasn't drank since (I don't think so anyway) we see our children everyday and they stay at ours on weekends and school holidays but I don't trust him to go out on his own I don't know if his gonna come back drunk I want my kids back so bad but I feel stuck has anyone been through something similar please help thanks for reading again I know it's long im sorry..

OP posts:
Ilovedacake · 19/05/2021 16:57

Sorry to be blunt, but it’s very unlikely you will get your children back as you have been unable to demonstrate that you are able to be protective and act in their best interests. The best time to have done that was before they were placed with family members. The second best time to do that would be now - leave your partner, stay away, continue having contact with your children and be the parent that they needed all those years ago

pog100 · 19/05/2021 16:58

Nothing remotely similar but it's plain that he is very bad news and always will be. You need to get established completely independently of him, prove you can be a good and reliable mother then you may be able to get them back full time. This life is just a shit show, sorry.

jannyapple · 19/05/2021 17:01

Stay away from this man and mend your children's life's
They will be fucked up permanently if not .. and so will yours

maskface212 · 19/05/2021 17:12

I want my kids back so bad but I feel stuck

OP you've chosen an abusive alcoholic over your own children and you can't have it both ways.

The way to get your children back is to work with SS and to do everything they ask.

You have to give up your sick addiction to your violent boyfriend as he'll probably end up maiming you for life or killing you. I would do the Freedom Programme first of all and see if I could get some counselling in order to help you break this trauma bond you have. It's not love, it's a sick bond.

Speak to your local domestic abuse organisation for help and support in getting free from him. Work with social services to get your children back and stay away from your boyfriend. I hope they lock him up and throw away the key as he's a danger to all women.

Shoxfordian · 19/05/2021 17:13

You need to end things with him properly

Divebar2021 · 19/05/2021 17:20

You need to choose your children or him. If you choose him be prepared for your children to never forgive you. The PP is giving you good advice about therapy and support from Domestic abuse charities.

user11838686969686 · 19/05/2021 17:23

In what way are you stuck? You failed to protect your children. That was your choice.

Do social services actually know your poor children are staying overnight?

Tomyoneandonly · 19/05/2021 17:30

Wow pp are so right also so harsh. I think it's called Tough love! You will need to find out what your priorities are. I've been there an abusive alcoholic man with 2 babies ss told me also if I didn't leave I would've had my dcs took. I did leave to the bottom of the country. That was the most difficult decision I've made. My children are my priorities. Ss came after an argument as he threatened to kill me if I left he hald a piece of glass to my neck. We was gone very early in the morning. You will only get your dcs back if you can go nc with him. If there is any deviations you will not. I would suggest because the abuse is so bad. Tell ss you need to start fresh elsewhere. Where there is no danger of him entering your home or your dcs seeing him drunk and abusive. You must devote yourself to your dcs 200%. You would also have to prove you are willing to do so. I'm so sorry its not your fault.

Original poster
Bellaboo12345 · 19/05/2021 17:58

Everything I leave he goes off the rails and his family blames me I feel as if that if I wasn't with him he would be worse and social services aren't involved anymore they closed the case it is now upto there special guardian and us what happend there has been no drinking since November so if there's no drink there's no violence I just need to make sure he doesn't drink

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 19/05/2021 18:01

The only way you will get your kids back is if you leave your partner and prove you can be a responsible adult and be able to put their welfare first and foremost. Ss will always try and keep the children with their mother, but only if you and your relationships don't pose any risk.

You need to leave him, and spend time rebuilding your life, and than you can discuss how you move forward regarding your dc. Ss will help you and tell you what you have to do, they aren't the enemy here

Original poster
Bellaboo12345 · 19/05/2021 18:01

The children adore him and I would hate to tear that away from them it's my house so he would be the one who would have to leave which doesn't happen or if it does he sharp comes back the people who are just saying leave or stay away or make a choice are not the people I'm asking for help as they clearly don't know what it's like to be in a relationship like this the people who have would know it isn't as easy as that

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellaboo12345 · 19/05/2021 18:04

So do you recommend contacting SS again and open the case back up I don't want them involved and taking my rights away I have came so far with seeing my children

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 19/05/2021 18:05

Yes. He leaves, you're still putting your relationship in front of your dc welfare.

He goes and you 'may' get your kids back. He stays and there's very little you can do. Ss may have closed the case, but the minute they get a whiff that you're allowing the dc to see him, they will be back on you like a tonne of bricks

bigbaggyeyes · 19/05/2021 18:05

Yes. I do recommend you speak to Ss, tell them you'd like to be the primary Carer and discuss with them how you go about this .

Umberellatheweatha · 19/05/2021 18:07

OP be is an abuser. He uses the drink as an excuse to abuse but it is not the reason for it. Please stop blaming him being a horrible fucking bastard on alcohol. It is not to blame.

Your kids do not belong with you right now. Right bow you need to focus on cutting contact with your abuser. And taking therapy for yourself to help you heal from codependency.

Do the freedom course online. And read up on abusers and their true motivations. I'd suggest 'Lundy bankrofts- why does he do that' book for a start.

Get away from him.
And after a few years of healing and dealing with your issues, perhaps you will be a suitable person to be there for the kids.

Tomyoneandonly · 19/05/2021 18:09

You need to get ss back involved. You are being mentally abused. His life is his life you can't make his life better so if his life is worse without you so be it. Sorry you've already made your choice and it's him. It's very unlikely you will ever have full custody of your dcs. He is your priority as you've just said. You need to forget about the violent selfish abusive drunken bastard. You want your babies you need to fight for them and he isn't helping.

Original poster
Bellaboo12345 · 19/05/2021 18:10

I know what I need to do I just don't see the way out and don't think I ever will if I ask him to leave he'll just say oh well I haven't drank in ages or why can't you trust me I've done nothing

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/05/2021 18:11

I say this for your children's sake, I hope they don't give you them back while he is still a part of your life. Its obvious you don't really want to get away from him and are making excuses as to why you have to stay with him, and that's what they are excuses.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/05/2021 18:13

@Bellaboo12345

I know what I need to do I just don't see the way out and don't think I ever will if I ask him to leave he'll just say oh well I haven't drank in ages or why can't you trust me I've done nothing
Who cares what he says Confused. You are allowing a man who smashed your head in and killed your cat to live with you. How long before jts one of your kids getting a beating when he inevitably starts drinking again? November wasn't that long ago!
tsmainsqueeze · 19/05/2021 18:13

Don't put this loser before your kids , they have one chance of childhood don't ruin it for them , their future is at stake too , you can change things for the better ,do it for them , yourself too .
He sounds like a lost cause , not your responsibility .

lonelySam · 19/05/2021 18:14

OP, you need counselling. Your responsibility is not to make sure he doesn't drink - you have no power over that (and are very wrong of you think you do). He is a grown man and needs to own his addiction. Your responsibility is to protect your kids from him and give them a stable home.
9 out of 10 men leaving their alcoholic wives. 9 out of 10 women stay with their alcoholic husbands.
Be the one who leaves. He is violent, he won't change.

blacksax · 19/05/2021 18:24

@Bellaboo12345

I know what I need to do I just don't see the way out and don't think I ever will if I ask him to leave he'll just say oh well I haven't drank in ages or why can't you trust me I've done nothing
You have to decide whether you want him or your children, because it appears you can't have both.

If you want him to go, then don't ask him to leave - tell him to leave.

It might be a good idea for there to be someone impartial with you when you tell him, and if he won't go, then call the police.

Original poster
Bellaboo12345 · 19/05/2021 18:24

Thanks everyone for your replies as I've said I know what needs to be done I just haven't got the mental state to do it it makes life worse when we aren't together

OP posts:
Gazelda · 19/05/2021 18:25

Do you love him? Do you want to stay with him? If so, then you have to accept that it's very unlikely you will ever have your DC living with you.

If you want to do whatever it takes to get your DC back, then you need help. Please speak with Women's Aid or a refuge organisation. Explain everything. Ask them to a) hell you leave your DP and then ask them to help you work towards rebuild no your relationship with your DC in the hope you can one day get them back living with you.

It complicates matters that they live with your DPs family. So work with their guardian and ask what steps you can take to regain residency.

Umberellatheweatha · 19/05/2021 18:27

@Bellaboo12345

I know what I need to do I just don't see the way out and don't think I ever will if I ask him to leave he'll just say oh well I haven't drank in ages or why can't you trust me I've done nothing
Nothing except be largely the cause of your children being taken away from you.

OP you don't owe this person forgiveness, let alone trust. He is vile and abusive.

Abusers like to make out that you are the one with issues for not tolerating their horrific behaviour. They make you feel like you dont have the right to say no or tell them they are wrong.

The truth is that he is not your partner, he is your jailer. And unless you realise that this man absolutely fucking hates you -And I mean HATES- and act acordingly by running as far and fast away as you can: you are going to be stuck in this jail cell.