Don't know what to do..

[Bellaboo12345]

Hi all tia for reading.. so my partner and I have been together for 11 years with a break up for about 7 month a few year ago. Here goes I'll try explain as much detail as possible to in 2010 we had a son then another in 2013 shortly after the birth of out second son my partner became aggressive and it got more and more and SS git involved so we broke up after we broke up he drank almost daily and came to my house kicking off most of the time and accusing me of having people (blokes) there he broke into my house when I was out one night and stole my dog and my kitten was dead (denies it was him) I moved out of my house into my mams shortley after with our children while I was packing up the house I found lots of empty cans bottles so he had been drinking behind my back which explains the violence he overdosed and ended up using solvents and blamed me for it all I ended up going into a refuge but he begged and begged me to get back with him said he was sorry so stupid me took him back but because my children were in danger around him I was unstable and let SS take my children and placed them in special guardianship with one of his family members. We have been together since because he made me think I had nobody without him (which was mostly correct without the boys) moving on a couple of year later the drinking and violence started again then stopped then started again and e ended up remanded in custody for smashing my head in but was released because I didn't go and give evidence im expecting the drinking all of the time then last November he drank kicked off and got arrested and hasn't drank since (I don't think so anyway) we see our children everyday and they stay at ours on weekends and school holidays but I don't trust him to go out on his own I don't know if his gonna come back drunk I want my kids back so bad but I feel stuck has anyone been through something similar please help thanks for reading again I know it's long im sorry..

@Bellaboo12345

I know what I need to do I just don't see the way out and don't think I ever will if I ask him to leave he'll just say oh well I haven't drank in ages or why can't you trust me I've done nothing

You are putting him before your children. Can't you see that?

He's abusive OP. He will not change and you need to face that and act on it. If you want your children back with you then kick him out. Get an occupation order to keep him out. If he threatens to kill himself, call an ambulance. Manipulative abusive men pull every trick in the book to stay in control.

You need to woman up and do the right thing for your children which is to get this waste of space out of their lives. Don't say that you don't know what to do. You know what to do but you don't WANT to do it. It's obvious your children are not as important to you as you think. How would you feel if your mother was putting an abusive piece of shit before you?

Get him out and keep him out OP. Get your head out of the sand and take responsibility.

There are support services to help you
You can be rehoused .. if you tell SS that you want to do the right thing and prove you can be a good parent- then they will help you
You can be rehoused
You can have counselling
You can do parenting classes and assessments
You can engage with them at all times to put the needs of the children first
And if it's decided that the best place for them is not with you then you could still get away from this man
Good luck to you OP 💐

I think the kids are better off where they are

the people who are just saying leave or stay away or make a choice are not the people I'm asking for help as they clearly don't know what it's like to be in a relationship like this the people who have would know it isn't as easy as that

Nobody has said it's 'easy', they've said it's the right thing to do.

If you've been unable after all that's happened to leave him then unfortunately your children are best off in someone else's care, because you haven't shown that you can make decisions that would keep them safe.

While you've suffered great trauma, you had chances to engage with authorities to show you could step up and change, but instead you took him back and continued the relationship.

As harsh as it sounds and as hard as it is to hear, you did choose the unhealthy relationship with him over the possibility of a healthy relationship with your children. More than once.

You have lashed out a bit saying you don't want to hear from people who haven't been in an abusive relationship so don't understand. But you don't know how many posters have been in abusive relationships or how many of us grew up as the children around abusive relationships.

Rather than batting away the advice of people, take it on board and try to do what's best for the kids. Are they safe and settled where they are? If so, that's what's important. Not changing everything again.

it makes life worse when we aren't together

Then you aren't safe to have children in your care OP, sorry, if you feel life is worse when you're away from an abuser who has repeatedly physically assaulted you.

I had a friend in a similar situation when I was much younger and I asked her what she'd choose in an ideal world.

Instead of saying she would choose to go somewhere safe with her children away from their abuser, to start life again, safely and securely, she said she would want to have the children back with them and for him to be able to not get angry...

I was speechless. Even in her wildest dreams, an imaginary scenario, she chose him really.

Children deserve better and as hard as that is for you, this has happened due to their parents' bad choices and they should not suffer or be put at risk because of those bad choices.

Stealing the dog and killing the kitten should've been the end

Fucking hell I missed that, he likely killed the kitten? Jesus Christ. Killed a kitten and smashed your head in.

And you still both see them every weekend? I'm baffled that's allowed, these poor kids aren't safe.

Men like him, abusers, weaponise children. This means if you ever had them in your care again as a couple he would make threats of hurting them if you stood up for yourself. He may well follow through on those. That would be the reality of living with him and them as a family.

Are you court mandated to have them every weekend and school holidays, or is his family member just letting them go to yours?

Physical abuse against you and your pets. This vile specimen doesn’t deserve your love or loyalty. I know it’s easy to say from the outside (and yes, I have been there) but to onlookers we can see that this is a dangerous man who may one day kill you or your DC.

His family are just as awful for allowing the DC who were put into their care to stay with the parents SS thought unfit.

For gods sake put your children first. Life is categorically NOT worse without a violent alcoholic around, who may decide to smash your head in again at any moment.

Plenty of people drink. Plenty more drink to excess and can’t function without alcohol. But that doesn’t mean they’re violent towards their family. It’s not alcohol abusing you, it’s him.

Until you can see that and make plans to get away from him your children should be nowhere near either of you. Imagine being a child in this situation, presumably being told to keep quiet about the fact they stay with their own parents in case it gets them into trouble. Wondering why they’re not allowed to live there - or worse still, knowing why they’re not allowed to live there. Poor little buggers.

www.peta.org/issues/animal-companion-issues/animal-companion-factsheets/animal-abuse-human-abuse-partners-crime/

I'd cut all ties OP.

FFS, your kids are better off away from the pair of you.

I should imagine if Children’s Services found out that you were having overnight contact with your children there, they would be back involved and the Special Guardians may lose the care of your children too for also failing to protect them. I’m telling you this as a social worker, you will not get your children back together. Children’s Services will also not give you your children back as you’d need to make an application to court to end the Special Guardianship Order, and to do so, you’d need significant evidence of how things have changed for a sustained period (we’re talking years) - which you do not have. Equally your children have now been out of your care longer than they have been in your care, they will recognise their Special Guardians as their main carers now, so it may not be in their best interests to come back

Please stay away from your children. Neither of you put them first or looked after them properly.

Honestly OP? I'd leave the kids where they are.

You've chosen this 'person' over them and they deserve a childhood that isn't overshadowed with alcoholism, violence and probably neglect. You've shown time and time again that their needs aren't your priority and you're still with the person who assaulted you, aside from everything else.

Do them a favour and leave them be. Do yourself a favour and get the fuck out of this relationship, it will likely end up with you being a statistic, and not the good kind.

I also wanted to note OP that I am adopted. My birth mother deciding to put me up for adoption was the most loving thing she could have done as she was not able to take care of me and keep me safe. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to walk away as you are not able to provide the care they need and deserve.

By continuing to see them, including overnights, when they are meant to be in the care of others, unfortunately youve again shown social services that you are not able to make decisions in the children's best interest or follow guidance from authorities to show you will comply with necessary safeguarding measures. You're still in a chaotic dynamic with an abuser and having them with you at weekends means you're exposing them to that dynamic. You are not putting them first.

As I said, sometimes the most loving thing to do is to give them a chance to really move on and be safe, secure, calm and out of this chaos.

The children are better off where they are.
Until you can prove yourself a fit parent you wont get them back will you? You have decided the welfare of a vile abuser is more important than your own children?

I know it must be hard but surely the thought of protecting our children gives us the power to do anything!

Your posts read like "How to lose your children in one easy lesson"

Your children are clearly safer without you. Leave them be.

@DizzySquirrel90 yup. I'd have killed ended him for that.

Children's services are not going to reassess you. Even if you were living a settled life and had evidenced that you can keep your children safe (which you have not achieved) they wouldn't reassess you. An SGO is permanence. The guardians have the overriding share of PR for the children. That's their long term plan.

I'm afraid I stopped reading after the bit where you gave your own children up to be with him.

I really sorry. It’s a very hard situation. But a Special Guardianship Order is permanent. You can only apply to have it overturned if there is a substantial change in the Guardians’ circumstances, not in yours. This should have been explained to you at the time and I’m so sorry it wasn’t.

You chose to stay with a abuser over your children's well-being. In your posts you worry about his mental state and what would happen to him if you left. BUT YOU LEFT YOUR CHILDREN. And you don't seem to worry about their needs.

There are options, you can leave this man. Leave your house, leave everything if needs be. Then go to a hostel, go to the doctors and get counselling, find a place to live a job. Preferably out if the area you currently are in.

Then and only then once you have got your act together and the toxic mess that is your abuser out of your life, go back to social services and tell them you have a life free of violence, free of drugs, free of alcohol abuse and you are ready to get your children back.

If you can't do that then leave them alone. They are safer away from you than with you.

This is all so sad and worrying. OP I expect you are just drowning in chaos and hurt, and you can’t be thinking clearly.
First, you need to get the SGO fully explained to you - ask the solicitor you must have had. It’s highly doubtful unsupervised overnight contact was in it though possibly left at discretion of guardian I suppose.
Second you must make sure you are all sticking to what it says - from now on. I see it’s your partner’s relative that is the guardian which probably is the reason it’s perhaps not totally stuck to, and makes it harder for you to enforce.
Thirdly, it must seem unbearable not to be with your children, but we can bear an awful lot us people - it is for the best for them right now, and you can find ways to help them now and in their future by sticking to the order and perhaps keeping a journal they can read when they’re older, working on yourself/your life for the future you that your children may want a new relationship with as adults - there’s an awful lot you can do for them and for you without being a resident parent still - focus on that and it will get better.
Leaving your partner seems so obvious to folk on the outside- not when you’re in it and not when you’re suffering and not when it’s so difficult and potentially dangerous. Try and find some support from a charity- they’ll help you work on what you need.
Day by day, minute by minute, you can get through and get better for you and for everyone - it’s tough but possible.
but please do ensure you check the SGO ASAP and abide by it - as your first positive step on the up - this to really establish future security for your children, who need you to do this.

Op you sound childish. How can you imply that some mothers haven't been there. If you think things are difficult they will be impossible/difficult. You did say life is worse without the drunken bastard so you've made it difficult and therefore I'm not sure you will listen to any positive advice o here as you will mentally manipulate it into negative. You didn't put your children first last time so I don't think they will be able to flourish in your care. I wouldn't ever of been in your situation as the choices should've been made way back when they were removed from your care. You are still with the reason they were removed from. Doesn't make any sense. Why do you think you can have your children in your care and still be with him? You can't you need to make massive changes to even have a little chance. You've done it to yourself op sorry.