He needs time to think....again

[GullTQY]

I'm reaching out as I feel confused.

I've been dating for my partner for 3 and half years. We both have quite alot of baggage from previous relationships and family who do not approve of us being together. So it has been quite hard and the pressure on us both has been quite immense.

I'm quite clear in where I want this to go. I have been married before and so has he, I have young children and his children are grown up. The relationship started out as 2 people who had nothing to lose getting together and having some fun. It grew into something wonderful and special. I want to keep working with him and I would love to spend the rest of my life with him. He's my best friend and my rock. We have so much fun, and I've never felt so wonderful when I'm with him. However, things can go wrong occasionally. I'm so afraid of being used and hurt that I react badly to some things he does and says. He unfortunately is not good at talking about his emotions, talking things through, or apologising! He very rarely takes responsibility for the arguments we have whereas I think things through, realise I've made a mistake and apologize. So sometimes it feels like we just bang our heads together, he goes quiet, sulks, acts like he has done nothing wrong, to the point where eventually I feel bad, back down, and apologize even when I feel like I'm not to blame! This has what has happened today.

He has told me he needs time to think (2nd time in the space of a year) but according to him, this doesn't mean he's considering ending things. He hasn't apologized for his part in the argument,.despite the fact that it started from something he said, that hurt me and I reacted, admittedly quite badly, to it.

I feel so confused, to the point where I felt quite desperate and was almost begging him to put this argument behind us and move forward. I get reactions like 'i guess we can'.

What am I supposed to feel about that? We had an argument, he has contributed.zero to try and work through it, and is instead wanting space to think. He is quite happy to leave me reeling. I'm a mess, and he knows it, and I feel like he's done nothing to show me love and care. I'm devastated at the fact that I upset him in the argument, I was so worried he'd go to bed feeling unloved that I said "I love you"....and all he replied, "I know you do"

I haven't covered every issue as I could go on and on..but am I being unreasonable? Is it wrong to expect some sort of apology or some effort into fixing things? And what exactly does he need time to think about??

I'm not sure it matters who is right or wrong, but it is important to pay attention to how his behaviour is making you feel. Has he given you a time frame? Sorry this is happening

I don't know if you're being unreasonable...but I do know that I have been where you are, with the same sort of disputes, sulks and resolutions and it didn't end well (with him, I'm remarried to someone else and very happy).

If he's the sort of person who is avoidant of taking any responsibility, you will live your whole life like this. He's not going to change what works for him now. i.e. you back down, the argument ends until next time. Why would he?

I think you have, like I did, a fundamental issue with this that will not get resolved and thus, all the good things about your rl are blown out of the water when you fall out. It's no way to live.

I also know, from what you say and how you say it, he will be the one that ends it as you see this as just the bad that comes with the good and continue to bear it as you have done so far.

An arguing, sulky, emotional avoidant man is not a man in a happy relationship. And that's not your problem. It's just not going to change, I'm sorry. The question is, do you want more for your life?

I wouldn’t carry on dating someone who sulked and wouldn’t communicate with me

Cut your losses and move on

I’d query why people who know you and love you don’t want you to be together. What do they see in him that perhaps you’re ignoring?

Feeling confused about a relationship is a fairly reliable red flag. It's your instinct telling you something isn't right, but you're confused because your head wants to think everything is fine, or will be fine if only x, y or z.

Trust your instinct, save yourself months or years of confusion. Judge his actions not his reassurance. Sorry

If he thinks you're going to wait around after every argument to give him space then this is how he'll always treat you, unfortunately, tell him to get a grip and communicate to sort issues out or move on, don't wait around on him to go round in circles again.
It's not a positive sign at all if he cannot see his part in this.

He sounds immature. He does not seem to care about you let alone love you. Let him sulk and see what happens. Personally I’d walk away.

It's difficult to comment without knowing what the argument was actually about.

You keep glossing over the fact that you ‘react badly’. Maybe that’s the issue. Maybe your reactions are pushing him away and he’s had enough.

Also, if your loved ones don’t support your relationship that’s very telling. They must have a valid reason to not approve.

Thankyou all for your honest comments.

It is quite embarrassing, but the reason the argument unfolded is because he said at the weekend he wanted to make more time for me. He used to come around to see me once or twice a week,.we'd spend some lovely time relaxing watching TV etc. He then had a bad bike accident and broke both his arms. Then then stopped coming round understandably while he was recovering and beyond. He is now fit and healthy and has been for months. I had asked about him.coming round again and he just sort of brushed it off and refused to give it a thought. I think the most I got out of him was that he is old and always tired and needs his bed. This upset me as it felt like a step back rather than us moving forward..but I brushed it under the carpet and carried on. So when he said about making more time for me, there I was, feeling that he does actually listen,.excited that he wanted to come round and spend quality time with me. When I asked him about what evening he expressed an evening which meant he could take me to bed and well you know the rest. So I automatically assumed that it wasn't about the time with me, he just wanted some persons benefit! It wasn't any day of the week, it had to be this particular day so he could get me in to bed!! I felt used and couldn't believe that's the only reason he wanted to come round to see me.

Am I wrong for feeling that way?
When I tackled him.and told him if that's all he was coming round for then I'm not a booty call and I'm not interested, and all he could say was "okay". There was no talking me out of anything, apologizing for either 1- giving me the wrong impression.or 2- admitting his ideas on things were a little concerning, nor did he attempt to even understand how it made me feel! It's almost like he is turning it around on me! I'm in the wrong.

I feel heartbroken. I have apologized for reacting badly and possibly going a bit too far but I have taken responsibility.

The reason my family dissaprove is because I was married but separated, and no matter who I got in a relationship with, my ex is still the golden boy in their eyes.
His family dissaprove because I was very close to his daughter and we fell out, she doesn't really like me.

I think it's me that needs time and space. If he's not man enough to talk to me then really all I'm doing is hurting myself chasing him

Thankyou everyone. Why is life such hard work? 😞

I'm a bit confused. You wanted him to come over, he offered to come round and then you got cross about it? Sounds like a lot of drama from both of you really, you don't sound very well suited.

Sorry OP but he's not giving you mixed mesaages. He is not your rock.

He sulks until you back down/apologise and he doesn't take responsibility for his words or actions.

If you've been together 3.5 years then suggesting coming over on an evening that you can have sex (can that only happen on certain days of the week?!) is hardly unreasonable but from what you say it sounds as though you're hardly seeing each other.

Would you rather years more of the same?

Agree that this is more like thin ice than a rock. And how is it fun? In what way are you feeling wonderful?

Did you go and see him when he broke his arms?

Isn't it time to accept this relationship simply isn't working? It's become toxic, communication has broken down so it's no longer healthy and at that point you need to make a conscious decision to stop and move on

Sounds like he wanted a booty call

Judge him on his actions and not words. I know it's used a lot, but if he wanted to spent time with you, he would.

Did the fact that both arms were broken prevent him from texting and phoning?

This has really struck a chord with me as he sounds so much like my narcisstic ex - never apologised - everything was always my fault - always wanting to take space, etc etc. Did my head in, properly. So pleased I am away from him now.

OP, you deserve much more than this. If you have been together three and a half years I would personally be expecting to spend more time together than this too - and not just for sex! Obviously if you were both happy just seeing each other a couple of days a week that would be fine - but it sounds like you’re not.

Has he been round at all since his arms healed?

I think he just sees you as a booty call. The whole bit about 'I'm old and I need my bed' - to me, that what he wants is to come to yours, get sex and then leave. No staying the night. 'Making more time for you' aka 'Getting more sex for me'

You haven't agreed, so for the second time in a year, he 'needs to think' aka 'Do I think this booty call is worth all this hassle'.

I'd make the decision for him and end it.

It doesn’t sound like much of a relationship, after three years you were only seeing each other once or twice a week and now it is even less?

It is hard to really comment on what is going on, but I do wonder if you are simply two people that deal with things in very different ways. You are making a lot of him needing time to think but keep glossing over your “over reacting” and that has more of an alarm bell to me.

In terms of what he needs to think about, well at a guess at whether he can put up with your over reactions. Nevertheless, I would not be able to get past that, I would feel like I need to behave in a particular way else he will pointedly go off to think about whether he wants to continue with the relationship or not. At that point, I think the relationship is over anyway.

I didn’t really understand your last post, which suggests you can only have sex on a particular day of the week.

@Lovelydiscusfish

This has really struck a chord with me as he sounds so much like my narcisstic ex - never apologised - everything was always my fault - always wanting to take space, etc etc. Did my head in, properly. So pleased I am away from him now.

OP, you deserve much more than this. If you have been together three and a half years I would personally be expecting to spend more time together than this too - and not just for sex! Obviously if you were both happy just seeing each other a couple of days a week that would be fine - but it sounds like you’re not.

Has he been round at all since his arms healed?

Yes we see eachother every weekend. I have young children who go to their dads at the weekend. So we spend quality time together then. I have introduced him into their life slowly and it's gone so well. When he had his accident I couldnt see him as he was staying at his daughters, and he felt it inappropriate to have me around! I did my best to understand and or patient. Before his accident we used to see eachother 2-3 times a week which was lovely, and don't get me wrong, seeing him once a week is lovely! I'm not complaining about how many times I see him, I was just hurt for the reason behind him coming back round in the week. There is nothing wrong with him wanting to come round and make love to me, but to express that he is only coming round for that just threw me!! Surely any woman would react badly to the impression they're only here for one thing! And then to take no responsibility for his actions.... It's just so hard for me to process. I'm not the strongest person, my self belief has always been a downfall of mine and feeling like I was being used by my partner and then not even getting any apology from him, it has knocked me off my feet!

This relationship seems a lot of hard work.

He really doesn't seem that in love with you.

The op made me think of the Beautiful South song.. A Little Time. I used to love that song... he needed a little time and while he took his time she decided she'd had enough!

People who cannot take responsibility for their part in an argument or relationship issue are not healthy people. I agree with PP, he sounds very narcissistic and manipulative.

He is giving you the bare minimum as he knows you will accept it.

Dump him and work on your boundaries and why you would accept so little from a relationship.

This explains it well

Also Google projection, stonewalling and gaslighting. He's playing all of these tactics on you.

I say this as someone who has had to learn the hard way re. boundaries.

"He has done nothing to show me love and care"

That should be enough to walk away right now. Model only good relationships to your children, throw out anyone that doesn't consistently treat you with love, care and respect (no matter how hard or scary). You will thank yourself later before wasting any more time on losers