He needs time to think....again

[GullTQY]

I'm reaching out as I feel confused.

I've been dating for my partner for 3 and half years. We both have quite alot of baggage from previous relationships and family who do not approve of us being together. So it has been quite hard and the pressure on us both has been quite immense.

I'm quite clear in where I want this to go. I have been married before and so has he, I have young children and his children are grown up. The relationship started out as 2 people who had nothing to lose getting together and having some fun. It grew into something wonderful and special. I want to keep working with him and I would love to spend the rest of my life with him. He's my best friend and my rock. We have so much fun, and I've never felt so wonderful when I'm with him. However, things can go wrong occasionally. I'm so afraid of being used and hurt that I react badly to some things he does and says. He unfortunately is not good at talking about his emotions, talking things through, or apologising! He very rarely takes responsibility for the arguments we have whereas I think things through, realise I've made a mistake and apologize. So sometimes it feels like we just bang our heads together, he goes quiet, sulks, acts like he has done nothing wrong, to the point where eventually I feel bad, back down, and apologize even when I feel like I'm not to blame! This has what has happened today.

He has told me he needs time to think (2nd time in the space of a year) but according to him, this doesn't mean he's considering ending things. He hasn't apologized for his part in the argument,.despite the fact that it started from something he said, that hurt me and I reacted, admittedly quite badly, to it.

I feel so confused, to the point where I felt quite desperate and was almost begging him to put this argument behind us and move forward. I get reactions like 'i guess we can'.

What am I supposed to feel about that? We had an argument, he has contributed.zero to try and work through it, and is instead wanting space to think. He is quite happy to leave me reeling. I'm a mess, and he knows it, and I feel like he's done nothing to show me love and care. I'm devastated at the fact that I upset him in the argument, I was so worried he'd go to bed feeling unloved that I said "I love you"....and all he replied, "I know you do"

I haven't covered every issue as I could go on and on..but am I being unreasonable? Is it wrong to expect some sort of apology or some effort into fixing things? And what exactly does he need time to think about??

Also, I'd put money on his "time to think" being spent with another women. This is the second time in one year he has done this to you. Don't let there be a third.

OP

You were friends with your partner's daughter?

Did you get together with your friends dad?

Ew

So is it a case of things are great whilst you’re toeing the line but when you say no, or make demands of your own, he sulks and punishes you?

Pretty much

That’s not good OP, it’s really controlling of him.

Reading all these replies must be a little over whelming, I hope you’re doing ok? Take some time to think things over, let it digest, but please, don’t let him manipulate you like that. You’re not his puppet.

I don't want to give up on us, or him. Some comments have helped put things into perspective. I think I need my own time to think.

Thankyou for your kindness and understanding ❤️

Another thread from another woman who is with a complete twat but you're at pains to tell us just how lovely he is really, when he's not being a sulky little twerp. Take off the rose tinted glasses and actually look at the facts. You have been together for years but hardly see each other. When you do he only wants sex. When you question him on that, he sulks and makes you feel like utter shit until you give in and apologise, but at the same time won't accept any blame for anything himself. Quelle surprise, he's lovely and your best mate when things are going well ... For him. Now you've got back in line, he will be nice to you again... Until next time.

Its hard to let go of someone you've invested so much in emotionally, but it will hurt more later down the line when you don't have a shred of self esteem left and you realise you're the only one fighting.

You will waste you life chasing the "good" him. It doesn't exist. You deserve so much more 💐

It's him not you. I know a guy like this. Nothing is ever his fault. I can't express feelings without him turning it into an argument and then telling me he's fed up of arguing. Then you get the withholding, the silent treatment and refusal to discuss things. The emphasis is on you to make the effort to resolve things.

It's toxic behaviour and emotionally abusive. You can't reason with them because they are inherently unreasonable. All you can do is walk away.

How did things pan out for you in end - did you stay together or part ways? I’m in a very similar situation right now, and I’m thinking about moving on.

I really hope she has left him. It’s so clear to me from her posts that he’s keeping her around for his convenience (read: sex) and is conditioning her not to complain or raise any grievances because he doesn’t really care about her happiness.

@HemaMalini, if your situation resembles op’s, then please realise your worth and leave him. You need to love yourself more than you love him.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)

My situation is similar in that he’s conflict avoidant and always needs space and time every time there is conflict! He’s not empathetic enough to put himself in my shoes and understand my perspective. I have an anxious attachment style so the distance sends my anxiety through the roof. The conflict is probably attributed to issues on both sides (my side and his side) and have very little to do with his convenience, but more to do with his avoidant personality!

Erroneously duplicated message here

@HemaMalini Decide for him and end it.

Don't give someone all the power and let them hurt you this way.

Yeah lyrics sum this up very well

I need a little time to think it over
I need a little space just on my own
I need a little time to find my freedom
I need a little
Funny how quick the milk turns sour, isn't it, isn't it?
Your face has been looking like that for hours, hasn't it, hasn't it?
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust
I need a little room to find myself
I need a little space to work it out
I need a little room all alone
I need a little
You need a little room for your big head, don't you, don't you?
You need a little space for a thousand beds, won't you, won't you?
Lips that promise, fear the worst
Tongue so sharp, the bubble burst
Just into unjust
I've had a little time to find the truth
Now I've had a little room to check what's wrong
I've had a little time, and I still love you
I've had a little
You had a little time and you had a little fun, didn't ya, didn't you?
While you had yours, do you think I had none, do you, do ya?
The freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good, I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad
I had a little time to think it over
Had a little room to work it out
I found a little courage to call it off
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Dave Rotheray / Paul Heaton
A Little Time lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?q=genius.com/The-beautiful-south-a-little-time-lyrics&sa=U&ved=2ahUKEwjw4sPn4oeCAxUWQEEAHSZ8AG4QFnoECCwQAQ&usg=AOvVaw1z5-wo_q6ApbSSX90m8dD3" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Genius

Hi HemaMalini

I'm the OP

I'm sorry to hear you're going through some tough times. It's not easy.

I am still with my partner (can't believe its been over 2 years since I posted this!) We still have moments like this, but nothing on the same scale. We've worked really hard together to try and understand each others perspective, personalities, and history that might make us react and feel like we do some times. We don't always get it right, sometimes it can get messy, but I'll give him credit where its due, he has worked really hard on proving to me that he wants a future with me. He's involved more with my children, he actively spends more time with them and us as a family. His daughter is coming round to the idea slowly. We've spoken about a future together.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you feel your partner is worth fighting for, and you can try and understand why he may react like he does, then work at it. If you feel like you don't want to fight for what you have, don't. Im still very clear with my partner, mess me around like it again and I'm gone. 6 years we've been together now. Every one needs space, I try to be respectful of that, but you can't do it without considering the other person's feelings, and he knows if he treats me like that again I'm very likely to walk away.

It's not always as easy as people say, you have to follow your gut instinct and I always try and think that there's 2 sides to a story. There's a reason for why he reacts like he does, what is that, if its malicious or toxic, then somethings massively wrong, if its him trying to protect himself and he's just not a conflict person, then you have to try and understand him.

Hope that makes sense.

Message me if you want to talk more. I hope it works out for you

Such wonderful news - you seem to be in a much better place, and I’m glad you worked it out, despite all the advice to move on! Really pleased for you :) I’ll send you a pm at some point! Thank you for getting back to me - really appreciate it!