So torn.

[Namechangedforthistoday]

I’m living in a loveless sexless marriage that I would definitely walk away from if there were not dc involved. We own a house together but there is insufficient equity for me to buy anything with it, I doubt there would even be enough for a deposit.
He’s abusive(not violent thank goodness) but even when he’s not being abusive he’s just so incredibly dismissive and disrespectful. I feel railroaded into staying together until the youngest turns 18. I don’t know how on earth I can get through another 10 years like this.
The thing is if we separate before then I can see the dc being manipulated into living with him full time and I couldn’t bear that. I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. His jealousy and control make it challenging to foster friendships and other interests as he wants me at home. He has even put barriers in place to prohibit me doing further study to follow my chosen career. The thing is he completely denies telling me I wasn’t allowed to do the course.
To everyone else he creates this image of being the perfect father and husband with a successful career to top it all off. I just feel so trapped and unloved.

You don't have a life, anything would be better than this, you're so worn down you can't see it. The children will see he's a bully. Start making plans to leave.

@toiletbrushholder thanks. I know I don’t have a life but if he took the dc full time I’d be beyond devastated.

You cant live like this for another 10 years the DCs will know you are unhappy and you will all be miserable.

There is no reason he’d have the children fulltime. He wouldnt want them. Assume you are not working so can you find a job?

Can you get some help from womens aid?

How could he manipulate the kids, in what way?

I agree, don't give him another 10 years.
Work out a plan and get away from him.
Yes it will be uncomfortable, but do is what you have now...you've just got used to it.

Not many blokes want their kids full time (unless they have another woman in their lives willing to be 'stepmom' and do all the work!)

If you are a sahm then you'd be more likely to be given custody, surely?

@Lozzerbmc I spoke to women’s aid who offered to put me in contact with their legal team but as dh is wfh and doesn’t leave the house during office hours I don’t have the opportunity to talk to anyone.

@Imjustsootired the grandparents are sadly particularly manipulative but the dc dote on them and they can do no wrong. DH won't do anything that might upset his mum due to how she’s reacted in the past. She completely tramples over boundaries we have set with the dc. Money would be no object between him and the in laws so it would very much a carrot getting dangled in terms of what dh and the in-laws would provide for the dc. I strongly believe that things would be manipulated into the separation being entirely my fault and they would state that even although he loved me dearly it was just never enough.

Yes but at the end of the day you are their MOTHER. They are all under 18 I assume?

Unless you cant provide for them or are doing something we dont know about, the grandparents cant do shit.

I agree with the others, you should make plans to leave.

For a long time I also considered staying for my son, but changed my mind. Won't be easy, but you can change your life for the better.

Can't you go for a walk and take the call with the legal advisors? I did a lot of that, finding a quiet place to talk to solicitors.

All the threats are scary especially about your children but do your research instead, unless the children would be in danger with a parent, the courts would always prefer that kids have contact with both parents.

@Imjustsootired yes all dc under 18

@JustLookingforAnswers at times I’m paralysed by the fear of what might happen. I know a family where the dc are separated between the parents. The eldest(early teens) has decided to stay with dad full time. They don’t even acknowledge their mum. All attempts at contact are rejected, even text messages go unanswered. It’s not a temporary situation as it’s been that way for the past two years. The other dc predominantly stay with mum but have some overnight contact with dad. The mum has been punished for setting boundaries with the child. The absolute bull shit and lies told to facilitate this have been devastating. I also know of many other similar cases where the situation has worked out in favour of the abuser. I think the fact that a similar outcome seems like a possibility for me that I feel I should sacrifice what I want in order to keep the dc together.

His abuse has created your fear; it's not a definite reality. The Freedom Programme (www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/) could help you to take the first steps away from him. Your fear and oppression have been created by him and you are doing brilliantly by understanding that this is all on him. You sound like an amazing mum. Children know when they are loved and it's doubtful they would want to be apart from you when the cracks start to show in the facades of granny and their father

With everything swirling around in my head, I’ve managed less than three hours sleep and am utterly exhausted. Wednesday is the busiest day for extracurricular activities, I’m also having the weirdest of dreams at the moment even when I do sleep so I wake up utterly drained.

That is so sad. Is there a way you can access counselling to help you cope in the meantime while you decide what to do.

Again, women's aid, find a way to keep talking to them.

Can you keep a diary to show your DC when they are older? Can you try and record your H when he says things so that you have evidence, for yourself, as much as others.

Also, can you stash money away secretly?

Keep talking OP but don't feel you need to make a decision right if it feels overwhelming x

Have you thought about just sitting down with your kids and talking to them. For example 'I'm sure you've noticed that daddy sometimes isn't very nice to mummy. You know, I don't believe people should treat other people that way (what do you think? *listen) Mummy is thinking that although it's a sad choice to make- it's time for us to find another home. Somewhere that I can live away from dad. And you can stay with me sometimes and dad sometimes, whatever you want. I love you both so so much. But in life we should be with people who are kind to us, not people who are mean'.

If anything,having kids is more of a reason to leave an abuser, not less. At least then there will one safe home for them to be some of the time, a space free of him. Plus they will learn that cruelty should never be tolerated in relationships.

Staying in a dysfunctional relationship would only teach them that that is normal and women are meant to be abused and take it.

Protect your kids, be strong, leave.

@Umberellatheweatha I’m not able to do anything quite yet. I need to sort out a job that will support me financially to live independently.
@Keepitonthedownlow dh controls all the finances so I need to justify where money is being spent. Although not done regularly he’s been known to scrutinise my shopping receipts. He went shopping last night and only bought food for dinner for him and the dc. Apparently, I was expected to have a sandwich. Oh and if he’s feeling really generous he will say I can have 1/2 wrap from m and s for lunch.

Look into what you would be entitled to in ways of financial support from the government and also child support. And also look into the rental market and what you could afford and where. And consult a solicitor about what you would be entitled to in a divorce and what the steps are (eg: if you own the house then they might advise you to try get him to leave but if its just a rental - go go go!)

It's all very well talking jobs but I think if theres any way you can afford to get free, do it as fast as possible. Because chances are he will do what he can to mess up your chance for independence and that will include making it tough for you to find and keep work.

Youd be better if pos, to get free of him first and coast by on what you can from benefits and child support until either you find a stable job or your divorce comes through.

Be practical about it.
Consider any possessions you could also sell for rent money.

Op staying until you are working is not the right course of action here because he will do everything he can to sabotage.

Oh and get yourself a separate bank account so that you can build up your own money somewhere safe.

I second a PP - it's going to be necessary to talk frankly to your children. I'm sure others would be horrified but I would in your situation let them know that it's possible that their father and GPs might try to buy their affection or even tell fibs about you, but that you love them more than anything and you will always be on their side etc.

Also - and crucially - the sooner you get on with it, the younger they will be, and the less likely they will be to want to be apart from you. it's very unlikely that an 8 yo would choose not to see his/her mum imo. I think also very unlikely that barring abuse a court would allow children under, say 14/5 to choose to live full time with one parent against the wishes of the other parent - others will be able to confirm that.

@Umberellatheweatha and @LitCrit thanks for taking the time to reply, I’m really grateful. However, I am a little confused since I was always led to believe that official advice stated you did not talk to the dc about any of the partners negative behaviour. One of the dc has already identified that some of his behaviour is not ok which I’m simultaneously proud and saddened. Proud they can identify and see through some of his behaviour and saddened that they’ve needed to do so in the first place.

As far as getting a rental goes, due to the competition for rentals in the area, the letting agents would not entertain someone who did not currently have a stable job. Many landlords automatically exclude anyone using any form of benefits towards rental payments due to exclusions with their insurance or mortgage providers.

DH and I will have conversations and after the fact dh will deny any recollection of the conversation or what he has said. I’ve had to be firm with him and quote him verbatim and yet he will still deny he has said it.

They say money can’t buy you happiness but it would for me at least buy me some freedom. My parents both think I should just work harder on my marriage because no marriage is perfect. I suppose they are guided by what was tolerated within their generation.

The denying what he has said is called 'gaslighting'. He knows he says it. He just doesn't want you to know he knows.

I think with regards to telling the kids, it's more about asking them questions and letting them come to their thoughts on his behaviour. For example 'when someone keeps being mean to you, do you think you should stay around them?' Ect...

And basically reassuring them that it is never their job to stop someone else being mean. And if someone makes them feel sad all the time then that person is probably not someone they should be around.

Rather than 'daddy is a bully' saying instead 'daddy can be mean sometimes and mummy doesnt like that. So she doesn't have to put up with it. Because it's not really ok to be mean to people, is it?'.

You have to be careful that he may twist your words but the fact is, he will try to turn them against you either way so you might as well give them a chance by talking with them about things and asking them questions that allow them to come to conclusions based on right and wrong, kindness and unkindness. Kids arent daft.

@Umberellatheweatha thanks for the clarification. That makes sense. And yes, the sad thing is no matter how well I handle the separation, I’m still going to be painted as the evil monster that split the family up and my parents are going to feel that I just didn’t try hard enough to save the marriage.

Can you not tell your parents the truth?

@Keepitonthedownlow I confided in them but because he’s not physically violent I should just work harder at the marriage,

You cannot let your DC grow up around this man, it will lead to much bigger problems for them as adults and unhealthy relationships themselves.

I would also have zero problem in telling everyone exactly what he's like and sounds like your DC would confirm this anyway.

I don't think the truth needs to be hidden from kids at all, especially when they are witnessing this kind of abuse.

Might also be worth saying to your parents that 'when people are consistently cruel to you it is not your job to tolerate it or attempt to fix them. I'm sorry if you feel differently, but you are wrong. I do hope you can be supportive of my choice to leave an abusive man. But if you do not have words of encouragement worh regards to this hard but very considered choice I am making then I would ask that you refrain from commenting at all'.