So torn.

[Namechangedforthistoday]

I’m living in a loveless sexless marriage that I would definitely walk away from if there were not dc involved. We own a house together but there is insufficient equity for me to buy anything with it, I doubt there would even be enough for a deposit.
He’s abusive(not violent thank goodness) but even when he’s not being abusive he’s just so incredibly dismissive and disrespectful. I feel railroaded into staying together until the youngest turns 18. I don’t know how on earth I can get through another 10 years like this.
The thing is if we separate before then I can see the dc being manipulated into living with him full time and I couldn’t bear that. I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. His jealousy and control make it challenging to foster friendships and other interests as he wants me at home. He has even put barriers in place to prohibit me doing further study to follow my chosen career. The thing is he completely denies telling me I wasn’t allowed to do the course.
To everyone else he creates this image of being the perfect father and husband with a successful career to top it all off. I just feel so trapped and unloved.

[quote Namechangedforthistoday]@Keepitonthedownlow I confided in them but because he’s not physically violent I should just work harder at the marriage,[/quote]
Wow that is awful. Can you send your parents a link to the new laws against coercive control and say that this is what you are experiencing and you need their support.

I would also no longer shield the older DC from what is happening, start with the oldest and gradually allow them to become more aware. They must know something is up but might feel that they are also going mad/being gaslighted. Everything will come out in time, and it can be hurtful to children if they feel blindsided or that their childhood was a lie. You have nothing to feel guilty about, I hope you can find the strength to work something out

@Keepitonthedownlow my mum is a master in denial, it’s how she copes with difficult situations. I was in the middle of pouring my heart out to her saying it’s not a matter of if but when we separate and she answered a call from one of my siblings, was chatting away and then when she came off the phone and she just completely changed the subject. When I called her on it a number of months later, I was informed that she was taught never to involve herself in another’s marriage. I should have learned by now that I couldn’t get the emotional support I so desperately need and that I should just stick to mundane topics of discussion like the weather.

Do your course.

@frozendaisy

Do your course.

@frozendaisy unfortunately without his financial and practical support it is just not possible

Yeh I wouldn't start any courses but you know you can self fund. As he could pull your funding any time just to hurt you.

But as for rental properties, there are plenty of places that take ppl on benefits. Go to the estate agents and speak with them and see what they can do. You wont know unless you try.

You may even be entitled to council or refuge housing if you leave with your kids.

Make phone calls, ask around. Citizens advice, womens aid ect...

You wont get anywhere if you don't take steps. You cant wait around for the situation to resolve itself.

Who's name is on the lease currently? Could you talk to the landlord? Eg: maybe get them to give you notice, pretending they intend to sell up but then secretly resign a lease (with just you on it) once the asshole has left?

I dunno but, think outside the box.

Cause you can't expect your jailer to ever do what's right for you. You gotta save yourself from this with your thinking cap on.

*until you know you can self fund

@Umberellatheweatha thanks. Yes, very wise to not rely on him financially for the course. I could see him wait until I only had a few modules left and was on the cusp of graduating for him to pull the rug from under me.

I know it’s a controversial term on here but he gives me the ick. How can things have changed so much from the man I fell in love with...
With covid, the lack of his business trips are taking their toll. I really appreciated the space to decompress and regroup. I’m just relieved that things are starting to reopen and going to sit and relax in a cafe with a coffee is no longer out of reach.

More and more confused and torn by the minute. I’ve worked out a time to call women’s aid but to be honest I’m going to feel like a complete fraud. I’m not in fear of violence so I keep telling myself that things are not that bad and I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill. He says I’m sensitive after all.