Sexless marriage

[NewGirl82]

I am really apprehensive about this as I have never spoken to anyone about this and I have never posted on here before,

My husband and I have been together 14 years. But in the last 3 years things have just changed. We had 3 kids within 3 and a half years and we still found time for sex. Now they are older and he barely touches me. It has now been 17 months since we last had sex.

I went from being a size 14/16 to a size 8/10 over the last 2 and a half years. It brings me to approx what I weighed when I met my husband. My husband is 10 years older and carries extra weight on his stomach, however he always has. This is how he looked when I met him and I never mention his weight to him.

I bring this up because this is where I can pinpoint him being less and less intimate with me. He took me away to a hotel in the first 6 months I mentioned and fell asleep on me. And he hasn’t had sex with me since January 2020. He also sleeps in the spare room more and more now and when he does sleep beside me there is no intimacy.

I feel so ashamed and can’t talk to anyone about what’s happening. I don’t have close friends. We do have a busy home however I have found occasions to initiate intimacy and he always appears too tired. I have spoken to him to tell him how I feel, he says all the right things and then nothing changes. I am now too embarrassed to try to start anything with him.

On the outside we look like a really strong couple. He is a good man. But I’m drowning inside because I don’t know what I have done. I don’t want to split up, I don’t want an open marriage but I really do need sex and intimacy.

I would at this stage assume it was someone else . Due to covid he works from home.But he never leaves the house apart from to walk the dog or go to the supermarket at the end of our road. And our eldest is at home with him through the day when I work.

I also feel like I’m becoming angry and resentful. I don’t like the fact he knows that I am struggling with this and won’t be honest with me with what the issue is. I also resent the fact I have started to think about having sex elsewhere. I never got married to be a cheat, and I don’t intend to be one. I would never want to hurt my family. But I am 38 and I don’t know how to move forward feeling this way.

As hard as it is you really have to try and open the line of communication with him yet again. Being brutally honest and as hard and uncomfortable the conversation is it can't be worse than how more and more miserable you will become.

As above you just have to find a good moment to have a conversation. Does he suffer with ED or do you think there is a health worry or reason he doesnt want intimacy?. Does he feel bad being overweight? Has he stresses going on at work with extended family etc?

Its miserable and demoralising I know.

There has to be a reason and you have every right to know why he is withholding sex and intimacy from you. It's entirely unfair to do this to you. Why does he sleep in the spare room? Does he hug you, kiss you, touch you, smile, generally be affectionate, at all?

He sounds depressed op.

You clearly are very upset about this and I bet he is too but can't vocalize it. Maybe he's ashamed of his weight and feeling unattractive especially as you have lost so much weight.

Are you feeling good about yourself, your appaearance, has your confidence grown?
It may be that his confidence has diminished, you need to have a frank talk about that and if thats the case you may need to take the lead and reassure him that you still find him attractive and desirable.

Also ask him to see his GP, his tiredness could be illness.

@Jonjojobs123 thank you for replying. I know we need to talk again. I am worried of being crushed by the response and cornered into having to do something. But I am miserable and it will get worse.

@Lozzerbmc he hasn’t previously suffered from ED, no obvious health worries or concerns. I know his weight could be an issue for him. He hasn’t actively tackled it for years if it is bothering him. Work is a stress, but that only accounts for the last 12 months of home working. Prior to that his job had improved massively and he was in a better place career wise as he was starting to see movement up the ladder.

@Imjustsootired

He used to be so touchy, feely.

That’s what makes it so sad. We would say I love you all the time, would always kiss each other good night. Never leave the house without a kiss. Even when he left the house at 6am for work. Now it’s a peck more often than not. He sleeps in the spare room because he gets up early or because he is too hot in our bed. I’m a cold person. It’s not something I thought would ever happen with us for such a weak reason. Even when kids traipsed in and out of our beds when they were little we still spent most of our nights in bed together.

He barely touches me now. We lie together and I feel like crying because he won’t put his hands near me.

@Onthedunes

My confidence has grown. But it’s personal confidence in liking what I wear and feeling comfortable and healthy.

I do my best to let him know how much I love him and how attracted I am to him and how much I desire him, but I also feel sad and a little hurt that me feeling better could make him withdraw.

I don’t know what the answer is to rekindle things... but try whilst you still feel the desire to. Talk, have date nights, dress to turn his head, go out and cone back having had fun... Maybe none of it will work, but at least you will have tried

I would just have a very blunt conversation with him and make it clear he needs to be honest with you. Are you getting on ok?

Don't wheedle and try date nights/dressing up. He knows you want intimacy and has withdrawn for a reason, whether this is because he is depressed or something else.

Take it from there. Good luck.

At 48 it’s quite possible his sex drive is declining, maybe a t level check would help
If he is carrying some extra weight that won’t help either
And of course you need to be in the same bed...

We don’t get on as well as we used to. Part of it is him working at home. But again the strain from that dates nearly 2 years after the change I started to feel from him. He has just been a little colder to me in the last few years. I just assumed the stresses of life and learning to live as a big family was part of that change.

The lack of intimacy and the rejection I feel makes me shorter in patience with him lately. I am trying to be better with that as I don’t want the kids picking up on any of it.

I like the idea of date nights and dressing up but I make effort each day to do my make up and hair and dress well and we have had date nights at home and throughout this spell and it hasn’t changed things.

I know that I have to just keep speaking to him in the hope I can understand what has happened.

The only thing I can suggest is that now lockdown is lifting you try being out of the house for a while as a family, parks, pubs, cinema etc, try to get that side of life kick started and see if helps

I don't think you miss just the sex - you're missing the affection, the warmth and general touching. You want to be complimented and flirted with, to feel that intimacy, that he loves you in a way a friend couldn't.

If it was the sex that was missing I would assume he had a decreasing sex drive, lack of energy, lack of fitness or stress.. However, the lack of affection and intimacy could either mean he feels down and doesn't feel like being affectionate or intimate with anyone, or the way he views you has changed in some fundamental way - that now you are the mother of his children he no longer sees you as a woman to be sexually desired. Do you look young for your age? You're 10 years younger than him but ypu might have looked younger than that. Could he be attracted only to younger women and now, 14 years later post 3 babies, you no longer look like the ideal in his head? Do you think there could be any resentment issues? Do you think he could be withholding affection because he thinks it will lead to sex, which he doesn't currently want, or withholding affection deliberately for another reason.

What I find sad is that he doesn't see this as a problem. He seems content to continue having a marriage devoid of affection, devoid of sex. Unless he actually wants to do something about it, I'm afraid there's not much you can do.

I have been where you are now and I look back and feel so angry at myself that I put up with it for so long. I discovered my partner had an unhealthy obsession with porn / chat rooms. Believe me I thought he would be the last person in the world to go down that route. He was never overly interested in sex and I didn’t even realise he watched porn. He hid it from me and used to watch it late at night when he used to say he had work to finish. I never suspected a thing. Now I realise he had watched porn for years and this affected his views to the point that normal real sex wasn’t of interest to him. I just wanted you to consider this, it is something I considered whilst wondering why he would never sleep with me but I discounted it. Don’t put up with the situation if you are not happy - I regret letting him have the control in that way. He always said he was tired and he would make more effort .. he never did and it completely destroyed my self worth.

@EarthSight when I met my husband at 24 I was already a post partum body shape as I had my son who was 5. I was concerned about the age gap and did consider all the possibilities when we met, but his maturity made for a better person when I had my son to consider.

So yes it is possible now we have more children that my role has changed in his life, and I wouldn’t hold that against him. I would just rather know. However yes I am young looking for my age. Lots of you can’t possibly have a child that’s nearly 20!

There may be resentment on his part. I do feel it sometimes as if that is the issue.

@Belstar1thank you for your reply. Yes, this is my biggest concern and what i feel is the most likely possibility. I don’t mind him using porn, chat sites would very definitely hurt. But if it’s using these to keep me planted as a wife and mother, but not as someone he wants I don’t think I could forgive that. Yes I miss intimacy and flirting. But I actually miss sex too. And I feel tremendous guilt at having desires and wanting them met. It completely destroys your self worth and rocks your own moral compass.

In your position I would give him the choice you either get the help of a sexual relate counsellor or the marriage is over.

The fact he can not hold you, kiss you or hug you is the worst of this, you could probably instigate sex from there, but the total absence of affection must be really hard to live with.

You say you don't mind him watching porn and going on chat sites, so he is doing this??

Why is it okay if he spends no time with you sexually? Why have you given the green light to something so plainly poisonous?
Is your self esteem very low op, or are you actually content for him to do this? Seems very confused.

@Summercocktailsinthesnow
No, to my knowledge he isn’t on porn sites and chat rooms. I wouldn’t tolerate chat rooms. This would be a step too far. Porn doesn’t affect me in the same way unless he is using it satisfy himself continually rather than ever being with me. There is no evidence that this is what I’d happening.

My confidence within my marriage is at a low because of the lack of intimacy. There is some kissing and cuddling - yes mainly encouraged by me, but it never leads anywhere.

It is not ok that he spends no time with me sexually. I know this, and I would happily go to counselling over it if I thought he would agree to it. I have never given him the green light for any of it.

It is just that you said 'I don’t mind him using porn, chat sites' in your previous post. I think you need to mind very much given the situation, and you have confirmed in your last post you don't think he is doing that.

In your position having already put up with this for so long, it is time to really tell him bluntly and directly, we either fix this, with or without help or we have to look at separation. A cold marriage is no marriage at all, and it is unkind of him to leave you feeling so low and upset by his lack of intimacy. There may be a reason, something might come up in the conversation, but until the communication starts you will be none the wiser. You do deserve more, really you do.

@Summercocktailsinthesnow

Thank you, I do know I need more than this and that speaking is the only way round this. I’m just scared I am going to implode my kids life on the basis of me wanting to be wanted.

My confidence within my marriage is at a low because of the lack of intimacy. There is some kissing and cuddling - yes mainly encouraged by me, but it never leads anywhere.

Would it possible he’s already checked out of the relationship if your trying to start something and getting nowhere?

@JustAnotherOldMan perhaps.

Your life matters as well, your needs are important.

You are not the one damaging your kids lives op, your husband is doing that. Don't take responsibility for his choices and lack of input into the marriage, he knows on some level this is not okay, and I doubt he will be surprised when you raise it with him.

Don’t mean to sound crude, but if you are basically offering sex up on a place no questions asked and still being refused he either has a pretty big metal/physical/sexual issue going on, or your not the one anymore.

Either way, as others say you have a pretty difficult conversation to have in the near future as clearly this situation cannot carry on, the very best of luck with that

As an aside what do you think would happen if you simply go into the space bed with him one night (assume it’s not a single), and just started to initiate sex ?

You are absolutely me, @NewGirl82 Apart from it's 10 years without sex or intimacy for me. It's soul destroying. Like you I'm slim and keep myself fit, whereas he is very overweight, doesn't brush his teeth (!!!) and just doesn't make himself attractive for me. He's also 9 years older than me. On our wedding night he fell asleep before anything could happen, so I took him to the same hotel and room for our 1st anniversary (I booked and paid) and the same thing happened again! It's been pretty much that pattern since. He works from home, sits on the sofa, lies down on the sofa and falls asleep. That's my life. Thank god I have my two dcs to keep me company. He has suffered from anxiety and depression, has had counselling and takes anti-ds, but if I suggest he gets out for some fresh air to feel better it's as if I'm nagging. I'm always out in the garden playing with the boys and he never ever joins in. He says he feels unwelcome and that I don't invite him to come out. Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent, sorry I don't mean to hijack. But we had a big argument the other night and he says I'm resentful and cold. Well, yes I am! But not through choice! It's because I feel like you OP, destroyed inside, like I'm wasting my life. He has known for a long time that I'm not happy, and I said it again the other night and he responded with "I don't care if you're not happy, it's no excuse to be so unkind to me." I just don't want to be with him but can't bring myself to spell it out. I want to go elsewhere for what I need. I have tried flaunting myself in front of him, and he barely looks away from the telly. I don't want it to be this way, but what's the alternative, a life of miserable celibacy with someone I don't even like very much anymore? I think you need to tell him exactly how you feel, and don't back down. Your feelings count and your happiness matters. Don't let him tell you otherwise. It's the hardest thing in the world, I know, but you can only move forward by jumping over this barrier. Good luck OP x

Something is going on. Push him until you get the whole truth.