Sexless marriage

[NewGirl82]

I am really apprehensive about this as I have never spoken to anyone about this and I have never posted on here before,

My husband and I have been together 14 years. But in the last 3 years things have just changed. We had 3 kids within 3 and a half years and we still found time for sex. Now they are older and he barely touches me. It has now been 17 months since we last had sex.

I went from being a size 14/16 to a size 8/10 over the last 2 and a half years. It brings me to approx what I weighed when I met my husband. My husband is 10 years older and carries extra weight on his stomach, however he always has. This is how he looked when I met him and I never mention his weight to him.

I bring this up because this is where I can pinpoint him being less and less intimate with me. He took me away to a hotel in the first 6 months I mentioned and fell asleep on me. And he hasn’t had sex with me since January 2020. He also sleeps in the spare room more and more now and when he does sleep beside me there is no intimacy.

I feel so ashamed and can’t talk to anyone about what’s happening. I don’t have close friends. We do have a busy home however I have found occasions to initiate intimacy and he always appears too tired. I have spoken to him to tell him how I feel, he says all the right things and then nothing changes. I am now too embarrassed to try to start anything with him.

On the outside we look like a really strong couple. He is a good man. But I’m drowning inside because I don’t know what I have done. I don’t want to split up, I don’t want an open marriage but I really do need sex and intimacy.

I would at this stage assume it was someone else . Due to covid he works from home.But he never leaves the house apart from to walk the dog or go to the supermarket at the end of our road. And our eldest is at home with him through the day when I work.

I also feel like I’m becoming angry and resentful. I don’t like the fact he knows that I am struggling with this and won’t be honest with me with what the issue is. I also resent the fact I have started to think about having sex elsewhere. I never got married to be a cheat, and I don’t intend to be one. I would never want to hurt my family. But I am 38 and I don’t know how to move forward feeling this way.

@NewGirl82 He may not know what is going on himself. He is out of shape, 48 and his hormone levels are dropping. He should see his doctor and have his testosterone level checked, for starters. But he may also, for some reason, have decided the marriage is not for him. I would insist on seeing a counsellor together and him seeing a doctor for a proper physical and mental evaluation, as I agree with a previous poster that he also sounds depressed, which can also be a result of dropping testosterone.

Drop in Testosterone in men over 30

Thank you for all the replies. It’s good to hear different takes on what it could be that’s going on. It’s easy to go straight to the worst thoughts all the time.

@JustAnotherOldMan I have done this in the middle of the night and he didn’t respond. That was the last time I attempted to make the first move.

@19Bears It’s so hard isn’t it? I have tried the same thing - flaunting myself to no avail, taking us away for privacy. Every time I have I have felt more rejection.
Your husband, albeit depressed needs to be trying for your kids. If he isn’t then you too need to think about yourself. It’s the only reason that I have not written my marriage off yet, is he is great with our kids and our home life although not perfect is good in many other ways. Good luck to you too x

I will speak to him about having his testosterone levels checked as many posts have mentioned it. This may be something that hasn’t occurred to either of us that could help matters.

I hope so and I do hope he hasn’t checked out of our marriage.

@NewGirl82
Good luck with everything.
Don’t forget about general health as well, I turned 50 a few years back and was feeling distinctly fat old man, used to drop off on the sofa etc

but I took up cycling again last year during lockdown and have dropped about 15kg and feel like a newish man apart from the pain in my knees

Something is going on. Push him until you get the whole truth

I agree. You need to push him until he tells you what's going on.