Help

[Debs0908]

I desperately need someone to talk to. My husband left me and the kids for another woman on 3rd Jan and my whole life has fell apart. I don't want to be here anymore and really want someone to listen to me.x

Can you phone your GP now?

Hi I'm so sorry to hear that same happened to me my ex husband left me and our 3 kids for someone else after only 4 years of marriage x it will get easier I promise just got to take it day by day x

I'm really not coping. He's left me financially screwed, nearly homeless, with 2 dogs and a cat. I'm tired and have nothing more to give. He has destroyed me and even phoned the police on me when I sent him a threatening text back in Jan so I will most likely lose my job. I can't do it anymore x

I'm so sorry OP

Do you have friends and family supporting you at all?

I’m listening x

Do you have any real life support?

I feel like everyone is sick listening to me and like I should be over it by now as it was January. I feel traumatised that he's done this after 22yrs together. I hate seeing my kids hurt and I hate the feeling of disappointment that I wake up every morning. He started his affair not long after I lost my mum then ended it and started it again. I'm broken beyond repair x

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Hello Lily, we are not sick of you, you have found a safe place. We are here for you and listening.

We won't leave.
xx

Sorry Debs, I meant
xx

You’re going through hell right now. You feel broken but that is because of what’s inherent within another person and what they did to you. It’s they who are in fact broken beyond repair they will never be a decent person again.
You will heal and mend.
But right now you need help to get through this horrible time and people who can surround you with support and keep you going. Now that some of the restrictions are easing have you got friends or family nearby or who are able to visit?
Have you got a good GP?

Sending you a hug.

I have great friends and some family but nobody understands the pain. I really feel like I have ptsd or something. I'm already on anti depressants from when I lost my mum and brother. I'm so tired and just want to give up I don't know where to turn to x

Oh OP. 4 months to get over a 22 year marriage.. only someone with no understanding of human beings would think that's plenty of time to move on.

This will take time but you will come out on the other side of it. I have no doubt of that.

We are here and we are listening

You've really had a hard time of it

Have you gone to your GP about everything that has happened this year? Even though you are on ADs I think you could really do with a referral to counselling. This is so much for one person to have to deal with.

I can't imagine you'd lose your job now, over a threatening text sent back in January. But however much you feel moved to, don't send any more.
I'm so sorry he has done this. I can't think that he's a particularly worthwhile human being if he's resumed an affair, left you penniless and is now causing your trouble over a solitary text message. You will get through this. You will.

I think counselling is a good idea and I've thought about it for a few weeks but part of me is closing down and I feel like I can't keep going over it. I will enquire about counselling tomorrow, I don't want to feel like this anymore. I need to be happy again or at least get rid of this feeling of wanting to die. I know I couldn't cause my kids that hurt but I do genuinely feel like they would be better off without me. He hadn't saw them for 7wks because they didn't want to see him and when I finally persuaded them to see him all he spoke about was her and her kids and how they can't wait to meet them. She will never meet my kids ever. She added me on fb 7wks prior to me finding out and she stalked my whole life including us moving home after we lost our house in a flood in Aug 2020. She is denying all this and making me look stupid, I didn't even know she existed until 3rd Jan. I really don't know what way to turn but I really appreciate your words, they are helping me xx

I do think counselling will help. Talking to someone completely removed from the situation might feel easier and he or she should be able to guide you in the right direction, towards a happier you.
I don't think it's unlikely you have PTSD after all you've been through, and that should be discussed too.

We need to find your fire. Your anger rather than sadness. Anger can be a great driving force, but definitely do not send him any messages in anger again.
I can't believe he called the police after you sent a threatening message, that's just twisting the knife. I don't think for a second he was actually afraid. I don't know him but I despise him nonetheless. He sounds rotten through and through.

I feel for you and the kids. I'm furious that he was sat there talking about her and her kids when he finally saw them again. He shouldn't be mentioning them at all! He sounds as useless as a dad as he does a husband.

Your children definitely would not be better off without you, think how much they need and love you, just like you miss your mom, who I'm very sorry about and also your brother.
You have been through so much and are not alone, there are many, going through this and have been through this. I know that doesn't help at the moment but believe us when we say it does get better.

Make sure you are eating, even small ammounts you need your strength.

Keep holding on, please you sound a lovely woman who didn't deserve any of this.

Sending hugs

Im so sorry, thats awful you have been through so much its no wonder you feel wretched. Its only been 4 months, it takes time.

My exh dropped me like a hot potato for a ow many years ago and I thought I couldnt get over it but I did.

You are needed, by your children and whatever you think, you ARE doing a great job in shit circumstances. You will get over it. Break everything you need to do down into manageable chunks so less overwhelming.

Do get counselling it will help you process.

Above all be KIND to yourself you are grieving, for lots of things. You will heal

That's good you going to find some counselling. It will give you a safe place to work things through.

I remember being in utter turmoil daily, crying in my car and pulling it all together when face to face with people. It does fades in time. I was told a month for each year together. Be kind to yourself. Remember to eat. Sleep and don't feel like you need to be super mum. Kids fed and safe. You are doing all you can.

Sort the house out. Get his things together in the garage out of sight. Move things around. New bedding and paint if you have the energy.

Stop engaging with him and ow. They are none of your concern.

Three things you need to engage about

Contact with the children. How old are they? Once they are a certain age they get a say in contact. Do they have phones so they can maintain contact independently. Set a routine eow. If he misses his weekend tough until the next one.

House/divorce. Through solicitor

Money - through the CMS.

I know you are hurting and looking for answers. There aren't any except he is selfish.

I found writing things down helped. If you need to engage about something. Write it out. Sleep on it and edit it. Never respond immediately as that will be fuelled by emotion. Make it business like

My ex wanted to be friends. He couldn't see how his actions turned my world upside down and he thought I should of been thanking him for 'setting me free'. Ow was there from day one. I refused to make a fuss. That's what he wanted to show me as being unhinged. My rule was as long as the children were safe and she was kind then I would not react.

Just go day by day. You know in time this will become more bearable. You just got to get to the other side. The children and I have a really happy life together now. I wouldn't change a thing. You too will get there.

Aw you are all amazing. Even writing it in here has made me feel a little better. My kids are 19, 11 & 8 so they know their own minds. My oldest doesn't live here, she lives in the halls at uni.
I will look for a counsellor tomorrow and try to sort all this mess in my head. I will keep you all updated. You really are all wonderful and I'm amazed how a few kind words from strangers has helped me and also you guys have pints out its him not me while I've been blaming me. Thank you so much, I will keep you all updated xxx

Hey, I just wanted to join in and say you're doing ok right now, your kids need YOU more than anyone else in the world, and it really will get better.

for you x

Let us know how you're getting on if you want to but no pressure we are here if you need us❤

You have officially found a tribe of women here who will hold you up, so you can breathe just knowing you now have somewhere safe to vent and even ramble if you want to just get thoughts out of your head sometimes.

Are there any box sets you can zone out to at bedtimes to help you doze off? I know it might sound like a rubbish suggestion but even in my 30s when times have been tough, Harry Potter films and Seinfeld have gotten me through along with a good old cry.

You need to nourish yourself too. Try not to drink lots of booze (if you drink), remember to eat, drink plenty of water.

Those things make a huge difference in times of grief and that's what you're going through again, another period of grief which is so bloody unfair when you've had too much of it already.

We are here for you x

It must be bloody tough. But try and look ahead and get some counselling and see a solicitor. And repeat - it’s dhs fault, it’s dhs fault.

Thank you so much. I am going to phone my gp today and if I can't get anywhere with counselling I will look at private..I can't afford it but I need Debbie back again so I will find a way to do it.

I'm so glad I reached out on here and that was only half the story I told, it really is unbelievable what he's done to us.

Thanks everyone I will keep you updated xx