Friends who have lots of friends

[lavender4636]

Please don't flame me for this - I have difficulty with friendships and I will shortly be entering therapy to unravel my thinking (plus psychiatric assessment) not related to this issue in particular but in relation to past trauma which most likely influences my thinking.

I've come to realise I don't want my friends to have many friends - most likely so that I become more important in their lives and/or they have more time for me. However, I wouldn't mind being that person with lots of friends (although the idea of it feels a bit exhausting in fact socialising always feels a bit exhausting).

In reality I have a 2 or 3 good friends and one of these friends has lots of friends. I can't help but feel envy and perhaps something else when I see lots of facebook interaction between friend and other friends. Likewise, last week I met someone who said they didn't have many friends and we exchanged contact details (I was under the impression they didn't have many friends)...turns out they have lots (according to facebook).

I am sure I'm going to come away from my assessment with some sort of label. These feelings of need/envy aren't pleasant. In real life I never let is show and appear laid back about meet ups etc. but in my day to day life I tend to feel lonely and isolated (I'm a sahm with pre-schooler and older children and very little family other than husband). Does anyone else feel like this?

OP I hope you find your therapy helpful in untangling your feelings about this.

I think I understand where you're coming from and as well as making yourself unhappy you appear to be giving yourself a really hard time about it.

Two things to maybe keep in mind:

Comparison is the thief of joy.

And, if you must compare (I'd advise not to) don't compare the outside of someone else's life with the inside of yours.

turns out they have lots (according to facebook)

FB friends don’t really count. I have, probably 3, really good friends and Several people I am very friendly with but a whole load of FB friends. These range from past colleagues, primary school mums -that I haven’t seen since the kids left primary a couple of years ago-and old school friends who we found ourselves reconnected with once FB became a thing, but who I haven’t seen since I left school 30 years ago.

I have, in the past, been envious of seeing others having fun filled nights out and thinking they all have loads of friends. Things aren’t always as they seem. I still have my FB account but I no longer go on there, maybe once or twice a year at most. I’m a lot happier for it.

Thanks Suzi. I'm having a tough time in general. I don't want to give too many details as they might be outing but I have experienced a lot of trauma in the past. I've been doing a lot of reading about attachment theory etc. It will be a relief to talk to somebody about all of this and my state of mind. I don't have a definite direction in life but I've developed a few hobbies and interests...I think I would benefit from meeting more like-minded people...perhaps that's a starting point. At the root of it all, I feel like I have a massive void...perhaps I am searching for something but it's unlikely to be found externally I guess (she crawls into therapy).

Facebook friends are not a gauge of how many real friends someone has, so don’t pay attention to that

Hope the therapy helps

In the kindest way possible, what you describe is almost narcissistic. Where you are other people's center of attention, where others depend mostly on you to fill their friendship needs while you are free to choose to whom you will give your attention.

I am sure these feelings aren't truly narcissistic but come from a place wanting to protect yourself from being hurt. Cause if you have lots of people around you then, if they walk away from you, it will have a smaller impact on you than if 1 of 3 friends walked away.

Anyway that's just my take on it.
Hope talking to someone professional helps you sort out your issues xx

I wish you luck with your journey, and the most helpful thing that I can remind you of at this stage is simply: just because it's online, doesn't mean it's true.

(I have 100s of FB friends, mostly to do with work. I have a small handful of truly close people who know me inside out, and I think most people are similar).

In the kindest way possible, what you describe is almost narcissistic. Where you are other people's center of attention, where others depend mostly on you to fill their friendship needs while you are free to choose to whom you will give your attention.

Yes, with my upbringing I think anything might be possible unfortunately. I think via therapy things are going to get worse before anything gets better.

I am sure these feelings aren't truly narcissistic but come from a place wanting to protect yourself from being hurt.

And this could well be true too. It makes a lot of sense.

You made me think of an ex-colleague / friend who had a lot of charisma. She made you feel like you were truly special to her but in fact she was friends with nearly everyone at work and had tons of friends outside work too. Underneath though, she was desperately insecure and needy. When she organised massive work meet ups (which she often did) she always corralled everyone into photos for FB where it looked like we were one happy group of friends having a great time. The reality was much less glossy. Moral - definitely don't see FB as reality. I have quite a lot of FB friends, many colleagues or ex colleagues. Only a very few of my real close friends are on FB and I take little interest in the posts most make. Just 'like' the odd one to be 'nice' and 'keep in touch'.

Definitely don't take Facebook as evidence of number of friends! I've got about 800 Facebook friends, the vast majority of whom are ex colleagues. In real life, I have a handful of acquaintances and no actual friends (by choice)

It sounds like therapy will be very useful for you. You're right, it will be hard, but it's so worthwhile.

Have you looked at the Stately Homes threads on these boards?

EvenMore

That's interesting that you have decided not to have friends by choice. Can I ask what prompted you to make that choice...perhaps you are busy with other things and don't have capacity for friendships? I know when I was working, I was more occupied and didn't feel the need for friends as such (I was drained from work and just like the background noise/quick chats. I never formed any lasting friendships).

This is not that unusual OP. Lots of people if they are truly honest would prefer to be high priority and very special to the people around them, and this is less likely when you have to share the attention of your friends with lots of other people.
What is unusual about you OP, is that you have the self awareness and honesty to acknowledge these feelings, and hopefully the self control not to let them show.
I don't think there is anything 'wrong' with you, but if the feeling makes you very unhappy talking to someone may help.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship_paradox

The friendship paradox is the phenomenon first observed by the sociologist Scott L. Feld in 1991 that most people have fewer friends than their friends have, on average.

It sounds like there may be some rejection issues that you need to go through. I had some therapy a few years ago, regarding my reactions and jealousy towards my friends having other friends. And it came down to stuff I went through growing up and rejection at school etc.

I got to the route of it and feel a lot better within my friendships now.

I can relate OP. I often feel like this when I talk to my friends and they refer to other friends that they have. I think it boils down to self esteem issues and general insecurity. If you do not feel secure in yourself then it can be seen as a threat if your friend has other friends/important people to them in their life. I often have to remind myself that i cannot expect me to be someone's sole friend and do they feel the same when I refer to my other friends. I am also a SAHM and this overthinking has certainly come with this territory. I've never felt so insecure since being a SAHM, the lack of mental distraction has sent me to the edge of my own insanity on many occasions. Could this be the case for you too?

prettylittlestar Yes, I think I have experienced similar, certainly rejection and I am so glad therapy helped you...it makes me feel optimistic.

Fluffy I think the lack of mental distraction has a lot to do with it...it certainly doesn't help.

Childhood trauma/emotionally unresponsive parents/ a sometimes violent parent is at the root cause of things along with being ostracized and bullied at school...the ripples from this has affected just about all areas of my life. Working hard to bring my own dc up differently. It's tough. My teenager is currently using me as her verbal punch bag most likely due to her own stresses.

I have received therapy in the past but not for a long time...I should have asked for this a lot sooner but I think lockdown highlighted some things for me.

Thank you to everyone else who has commented. Much appreciated.

I don't think it's narcissistic at all.

I'm the exact same and have borderline personality disorder. I have a troubled background - some of this to do with toxic friendships - so now my perception of friendships is skewed. I feel jealous and sad when my best friend is out with someone else. It's madness, I know, but I feel a terrible sensation of rejection and unworthiness when I see it. Almost like i'm not good enough.

I hope you get the help you need OP.

turns out they have lots (according to facebook)

^That’s completely meaningless, honestly. I have 450 friends on Facebook (though I hide my friends list and only mutual friends are visible), but around only 40 friends regularly like and comment on my posts. I also hardly see anyone now, as I now suffer from Long Covid on top of my long-term MH issues (PTSD as a result of childhood abuse), as well as having 2 adopted DDs (12 and 9), DD1 having complex needs.

Comparison really is the thief of joy. You will be losing out on really good friends by making assumptions that their life is somehow better than yours because they have lots of friends (whether FB or in RL).

And if they have a lot of friends, that shouldn’t put you off. It doesn’t mean they won’t also value you as a friend.

I do hope you get the help you need. I found that psychotherapy really beneficial, as well as talking therapy.

Hellooldsport Thank you for your honesty. I have some traits of BPD too - I'm waiting for an assessment as mentioned and can totally relate to the feelings of jealousy. For me I think it is that sense of not feeling good enough/worthy enough/that no-one cares enough/not valued enough and again it stems back to childhood stuff and being no-ones priority back then. I mask it well though but it is obviously something I need to work through. I tried working on some inner child stuff prior to arranging an assessment and although it helps I am struggling doing this alone.

Lizzie I am so sorry to hear about covid on top of mh issues, sending good wishes for recovery your way.

This is going to sound like I'm jumping on everyone's diagnosis but I have put a lot of thought into this and as someone mentioned up thread, I am pretty self aware - I also think I might have PTSD as a result of childhood abuse...it's just that up until now it has all been lumped under anxiety and depression without being properly diagnosed (and it's only because I have private health insurance and have instigated it myself that it has been picked up on). I'm feeling a huge sense of relief at the prospect of my assessment next week, I feel annoyed at myself for not doing something sooner.

I’m glad you’re having therapy, OP, and I hope it helps.💐 As PP’s have said, you can’t control other people’s friendships nor can you expect to be important in their lives, we all have to accept this. Thx be of my closet friends is very outgoing and popular, she has loads more friends than I do-but she’s still one of my best friends. Her more active social life doesn’t affect our friendship. I’m a quieter person and don’t want to socialize as much as she does anyway- I have occasionally felt left out, but that’s my problem, not hers. If I had as many parties/organized as many activities
( pre-pandemic, of course) as she does, I’d probably have more friends too. But I don’t!

• closest friends not closet.😂

Cameleongirl Thank you for posting. I think there is a bit more to it in my case as posted by hellooldsport. All of this makes sense intellectually and indeed, I can rationalise this but it is the extent to which I feel these things and how they affect me that needs unpacking with support.

I agree with what you say about effort in...one friend in particular puts a lot of effort in (as well as being a lovely person) and has built up more of a social life whereas I think I am a bit more of a complex character and struggle more socially and perhaps want/need too much i.e. I need to also look to have acquittances with similar interests rather than keep looking for/expecting a number of deep friendships. I also suspect I am seeking answers outside of myself rather from within.

Hello OP - I struggle with this too, for me it was always a self esteem thing, and if someone had a lot more friends than me (not hard!) they couldn't possibly need me as much as I needed them, ergo I was made desperate, sad and clingy in their eyes (in my head). I always thought I was really low down on the list for other people and therefore wasn't brave enough to initiate things, which meant people sought me out less, which reinforced my opinions, so it was a bit of a vicious circle.

A good place I found to start with was looking at what a healthy friendship was and how my own thoughts were definitely skewed away from that - someone doesn't need to prioritise only you in order to consider you a priority. I also really feel what you said about expecting deep friendships - it takes time to build deep relationships and it's really hard when you feel lonely and a bit unloved not to jump in at the deep end and start oversharing and being to full on and intense and sometimes making people uncomfortable!

It's still something I'm working through as I struggle with friendship lots in general, I have gained lots of ground, especially learning that friendship doesn't have to be super intense to be valuable! Therapy will really help but it takes a lot of time and emotion and energy.

I wish you lots of luck OP, I really do, you can improve this and you can seek valuable friendships that are different to what you have or envisage now.

I’m a fellow SAHM and I know exactly how you feel, although I would never admit it - or would dismiss it! Think you have excellent intrapersonal skills and emotional intelligence. You’ve expressed something that I think the majority feel.
I would say - in my case, I was always the ‘weirdo’ at school with only a few friends. It used to cause me great anxiety - but as I’ve aged I am immensely proud of the way I am. I’m not into mainstream music/culture/films etc - and because of this I’ve made a few very strong friendships, that have lasted decades. I will never, ever have a large number of Facebook friends because I’m pretty quiet, and a bit odd. And I love being that way. I feel pangs of jealousy when I see others with hundreds - but I’m not them, I’m me - and I’m sure they’ve never had the experience of watching the most amazing bands, and usual films that I’ve been blessed to see.

I’ve abandoned Facebook over recent times, and I do feel better for it. I do an occasional 6 month update, and receive more likes than ever - think mainly because I hardly ever post!

I agree with a lot of posters and also the fact that you have the self awareness to recognise how you feel! I have often felt jealous of others friendships when they seem to make them so easily, but it definitely stems from my own insecurity and upbringing. If you find therapy helpful then it's definitely worth pursuing, it's not a nice feeling to have and good on you for confronting those feelings!