Friends who have lots of friends

[lavender4636]

Please don't flame me for this - I have difficulty with friendships and I will shortly be entering therapy to unravel my thinking (plus psychiatric assessment) not related to this issue in particular but in relation to past trauma which most likely influences my thinking.

I've come to realise I don't want my friends to have many friends - most likely so that I become more important in their lives and/or they have more time for me. However, I wouldn't mind being that person with lots of friends (although the idea of it feels a bit exhausting in fact socialising always feels a bit exhausting).

In reality I have a 2 or 3 good friends and one of these friends has lots of friends. I can't help but feel envy and perhaps something else when I see lots of facebook interaction between friend and other friends. Likewise, last week I met someone who said they didn't have many friends and we exchanged contact details (I was under the impression they didn't have many friends)...turns out they have lots (according to facebook).

I am sure I'm going to come away from my assessment with some sort of label. These feelings of need/envy aren't pleasant. In real life I never let is show and appear laid back about meet ups etc. but in my day to day life I tend to feel lonely and isolated (I'm a sahm with pre-schooler and older children and very little family other than husband). Does anyone else feel like this?

I also think that social media can intensify lonely feelings. I deliberately came off SM a few years ago, partly because I saw how it affected another friend - she was getting upset at being left out of things that she only knew about through shared photos. I have no idea whether people are getting together or not unless I'm invited - and that's fine with me!

it takes time to build deep relationships and it's really hard when you feel lonely and a bit unloved not to jump in at the deep end and start oversharing and being to full on and intense and sometimes making people uncomfortable!

Yes, can very much relate to this. I found myself doing this only a few days ago.

Makka Yes, I was deemed a 'weirdo' and was ostracized. But a lot of it was probably to do with how I was brought up...I struggled to relate to my peers and was emotionally behind others my age as a teen. I would say that I have a slightly quirky personality and therefore struggle to find like-minded people (though I plan to join a few groups relating to my interests soon).

And yes, social media seems to intensify things...you would be none the wiser if people didn't post (I think one friend (the friend with lots of friends) is mindful what she does post in terms of certain activities for fear of leaving people out). I tend to post very little on facebook but I do use the messaging facility.

I'd definitely ignore any numbers on Facebook. I have loads on there but from various sources (ex-workmates, people I've met through hobbies) and I have a tendancy to add people fairly quickly because I'm dreadful with names.

Interestingly, I have a handful of friends. There's 2 in particular that I would have thought had loads of friends (both bubbly, sociable, interesting, confident people) yet they have both said they hardly have any friends.
I think that there's plenty of people who have many aquaintences but very few really close friends.

@lavender4636 my DD (10) came home from school today saying “I’m not popular” - and she’s said this a few times recently. As her Mum, this isn’t want I see at all. I’m immensely proud of her because she can quietly enter a room of people she doesn’t know, and strike up a friendship with - perhaps a group on the periphery - and she listens, negotiates, compromises and show really empathy for others. It made my heart sink a little to hear her say “I’m not popular” so I tried to explain to her the immense skill set she has! Perhaps with her - she has amazing intRA personal skills, and emotional intelligence, but perhaps not so much the ‘intER personal skills’ - that would make a person more of a leader??

Both intra and inter personal social skills are very valuable, perhaps it’s about embracing the social skill set you have?

I often see terrible sneering on MN about trying to make friends. You get a better reception if you say you are a serial killer with the clap.

I agree that often people are friendly enough, but are “no vacancies” as they already have a group. I got on very well with a woman at work, meeting up for coffee outside work, and she was talking about her upcoming 50th. She was arranging an afternoon tea for her “16 closest friends”. Sadly it appeared I was at best no. 17....

Another time a woman I met on a course asked me to meet for coffee, where she told me she had enough friends but if she had a vacancy she’d be in touch. I was speechless!

And then there was my old very good friend. I went to her new flat only to spy a (naff) photo frame bearing the legend “The women in my life”. I had not made one of the eight slots sad

It is very hard.

I saw this on another thread and smiled at the recognition (or at least this is the type of thing I want to avoid...being that extra one, not quite making it which I think I do feel a bit with one friend). I really feel for op...it's like being the semi-invisible woman. The invisible woman thing can happen if you let yourself fall into agony aunt role too as mentioned on another post. I am always conscious of trying to keep conversations a two way thing but as a people pleaser, I could easily fall into this role. I struggle to fit into group situations, I think because of my past experiences I tend to feel vulnerable.

It’s just different personalities. One “best” friend would not fulfill me. I get different things from different friends. I would feel claustrophobic if one person relied on me for everything.
So don’t take it personally. Just as you “need” a best friend, others “need” more friends. It’s not that one is necessarily better than another. That’s how YOU think. I, and many others, don’t think that way. You all have something different to offer. We value you all.
In fact someone displaying jealous tendencies would drive me away. I hope you don’t show these insecurities, even if you think it.

The same goes for relationships where people want to keep their partner to themselves. I need a partner AND friends. My partner wouldn’t be enough on his own.

FB is stupid. Loads of people tagged me 15 years ago and I don't know them.

I have 5 close friends and that is perfect for me. You only need a few good friends OP.

The rest of your issues hopefully counselling will help.

@lavender4636

EvenMore

That's interesting that you have decided not to have friends by choice. Can I ask what prompted you to make that choice...perhaps you are busy with other things and don't have capacity for friendships? I know when I was working, I was more occupied and didn't feel the need for friends as such (I was drained from work and just like the background noise/quick chats. I never formed any lasting friendships).

Sorry for late reply.

I see no overall value in friendships. People who you make friends expect things of you, and I'm not willing to do that. You will find that most people who "want to make friends" actually want, eg, help moving their bed from one room to another, or fucking off the tv license man (does that still happen?) or acompanying you on getting drunk.

I don't think its fair to someone who's still in that world to use them and not give anything back.

I am never successful in friendships, they either have sisters they pal about with(understandable), or so many friends they don't need anyone else. Or, they find someone better. One thing I found helped my mental health was to come off Fussbook and Twitter, they were the worst. Im sorry that I cannot offer more help, but I totally get the friends difficulties. I don't consider myself clingy, but if I didn't text/email/phone, I reckon apart from my husband and family, no one would miss me.

You are in tune with your emotions and have a deep awareness. This is a good thing.

While I do not feel jealous my friends have other friends, I am insecure and feel rejected when left out. This stems from being pushed out of a friendship group at high school, always feeling on the edge of friendships and being bullied.

Maccapacca
I was the weird, awkward one at school. My peers were always ten yards ahead of me.

I too have left most social media which I do not miss. It brought out insecurities in me I did not like and left me questioning my lack of friends, my beauty, my material possessions, my achievements. I also became obsessed with the number of 'likes' I received when posting photographs and concluded the more interested people were in me, the more worthy I was. Totally damaging behaviour.

This is a really interesting thread, thanks OP.
I also sympathise and feel some of what you're going through.
Had somewhat traumatic teenage years myself and now NC with mother for several years too. Very little family and outside support. Feelings of resentment bubbling under the surface
You seem very self aware which is great. I swing between wanting to dig deeper into my emotions /thoughts and just getting on with it /sucking it up so to speak.
I struggle with friendships ... I have several good friends but feel like its always me reaching out and alot of the time feel rejected. If I'm let down (if a friend cancels plans for example) it affects me deeply and I struggle to move.past it in my head.
I've wondered for a while now if there are any appropriate self help books which would address how to manage better. Have you read any? I'm not ready for a therapist just yet (and wouldn't know where to start looking) but am a keen reader and think that would be a positive step.
Good luck with your therapy, you seem to be on a healthy path towards a clearer more settled head space.

Have you said how old you are? Not sure if have missed it if you said. But I used to feel like this back in the early 2000s when there was no such thing as Facebook or social media. I always thought I was the lowest rung of the pecking order in terms of friendships. Now we're older, I feel much more settled, mainly because most of my friendship groups don't rely on social media to validate friendships and worth, but also because I've had conversations with those friends about it, which I wouldn't have dared had back then (because I didn't feel worthy!) and understand that my fears were about nothing. I would get very jealous if they went out without me. Even now, two of them make arrangements and tell me about it but I can have conversations now which I couldn't do then.

Also some of us have different priorities. For instance two of my closest girlfriends are really into workplace friendships, whereas my colleagues are exactly that and my friends are those outside the workplace (though I am friendly with colleagues, they are not my friends). I think this stems from being in an industry where there's been a lot of office politics and backstabbing going on though.

Those people who fizzled away are those I wouldn't be bothered about maintaining relationships with now anyway.

Good luck with everything. I too ended up having counselling and it did help. But now looking back I can see it was a lot of worrying over nothing, but that doesn't help when you are in the middle of it!

I'm glad you're seeking help. I've been fobbed off under the depression diagnosis for so long when I have PTSD. So stick up for yourself.

I reckon as you go along, you'll discover what type of friendships work best for you. I didn't realise there were many types.

I quite enjoy activity friendships a lot. Bookclub, concerts, etc.

Best wishes!

@lavender4636

EvenMore

That's interesting that you have decided not to have friends by choice. Can I ask what prompted you to make that choice...perhaps you are busy with other things and don't have capacity for friendships? I know when I was working, I was more occupied and didn't feel the need for friends as such (I was drained from work and just like the background noise/quick chats. I never formed any lasting friendships).

I've taken some time to think about this. I don't have a particularly "busy" life now - I'm self employed and I'm very focussed on earning, but I probably have more spare time than I used to working a 9-5.

Friendships, I think, are based on a model of reciprocal transactions. EG I listen to you cry about your ex leaving you, and you help me out by taking me to the shops because I don't drive. Or in primary school, you hold hands with me at playtime, and I will punch anyone who is rude to you, which is why I spent a lot of my childhood in detention.

I had a massive saviour complex when I was younger. My upbringign told me that it wasn't okay for me to be happy for myself. I could only be happy for others. So I used to "collect" struggling people and try to "fix" them. Sometimes I used to try to fix them with the power of my magic vagina. Argh I feel itchy even typing that! But yeah, I was a cunt.

I now realise that all of the "benefits" of friendship are massively outweighed by the work you have to put in.

So much I want to reply to. Can't just now...but will pop back later.

Squaddie If I'm let down (if a friend cancels plans for example) it affects me deeply and I struggle to move.past it in my head.

This really affects me too. I struggled with friendships as a teen (and didn't really have any friends...one (so-called) friend I invited to the house let me down...she had instead gone out with another one of her friends (I saw them) and had told me a complete lie that she had to do something for her parents and this has really affected me even though it was many years ago, I still think about it and it ties in with my mis-trust of people.

I am also NC with my mother and this was the main driver for therapy (but glad I'm going as I feel like I have a bucket load of things I need to discuss).

I am a bit of a self help junkie in terms of books but there is no particular one that resonates. I am currently reading Daughter Detox by Peg Streep as the estrangement from my mother has been very difficult to handle. I think in one of her books she talks about attachment styles which I have found very useful.

Rantyanty I think this has happened to me too - I think my symptoms have just been filed under the heading of anxiety and depression...I suspect I will be diagnosed with PTSD shortly. The fact that I haven't been properly diagnosed (or I don't believe I've been properly diagnosed makes me feel invisible and unheard).

Sandra I'm heading toward late forties. My best friend is in her sixties. I think I feel far more able to be open now I am getting older...caring less about what people think about me makes it a lot easier. I absolutely understand the number of likes thing...for that reason I post very little. I remember when I first went on facebook I had received a minor op...posted about it and not one person responded...I ended up feeling very isolated.

Evenmore I am fascinated by your insights into the saviour complex. I think this was very much me too...right down to the type of job I used to do. You seem to speak very harshly about yourself...calling yourself a cunt...it is heart breaking because you sound as if you've been very caring. Now is the time to be kind to yourself, it is something I've been trying to learn too. It is also interesting how you mention the transactional nature of friendships...I find it extremely difficult to ask for practical help and the friendships I have don't really operate like this. I am more appreciative of any emotional support and I'm always ready to lend a listening ear to my friends. I realised recently, that I was off-loading a lot on my good friend and decided it wasn't fair and that I ought to seek therapy...but my friend helped me to see that this is what I needed to do.

Thank you for your responses, very much appreciated.