Don't want shared equity in a property with my bf -- am I unfair and hypocritical?

[changetherecord71]

This is more of a moral scruple/dilemma question than something I'm actively worried about and its not on the immediate horizon... just wonder if I am thinking about this the right way.

I've been with my bf for nearly three years and love him to bits. Have a nearly 11 year old DD from a previous marriage. DD and bf get on well and I would like over time to think about moving in with him. I've always wanted to take this very slowly for DD's sake and not rush it and for a long time thought it might not ever happen. I'd still be fine if it didn't happen.

I'm about to inherit some money, which will be enough to upgrade my flat and hopefully get a bigger place with more bedrooms. The logical step in this scenario would obviously be for me and bf to pool savings and buy a property jointly.

Trouble is I really don't want to share equity in a property or finances with anyone. I lost out in my divorce and its taken me a while to build back up. I'm now reasonably solvent and my flat is in my name only and I love the security this gives me. I want it to be my daughter's inheritance solely and not for anyone else to have a claim on our family home.

On the other hand, if I were planning to cohabit with someone who in this scenario and they didn't want to pool finances with me I imagine I'd be a bit miffed. And I know he wants to buy property rather than chucking money away on rent and that he would struggle to get anything of a decent size where were are (London).

Would it be hypocritical to suggest an arrangement where he paid me rent rather than paying into the mortgage? It sounds a bit mean in some respects but I feel I have to protect myself and my daughter and tbh my biggest fear is having shared finances with someone - I can't think of anything worse than being financially entangled again. I have no reason to think he wouldn't be entirely trustworthy etc and he's good with money so its not him its me, if that makes sense. I just don't want to give up my hard-won freedom.

What about this:

He buys a place to rent out. He uses the rent to pay the mortgage and to pay for repairs.

He lives with you and pays rent which is equivalent to half the mortgage (though you need a legal document to specify he has no claim.)

You share any repair costs on your place.

That way he has somewhere that he can afford (deposit-wise) and he pays (presumably) less rent than he does now. He has his property and you have yours. Neither has a claim on the other.

Would that work?

@HollowTalk

What about this:

He buys a place to rent out. He uses the rent to pay the mortgage and to pay for repairs.

He lives with you and pays rent which is equivalent to half the mortgage (though you need a legal document to specify he has no claim.)

You share any repair costs on your place.

That way he has somewhere that he can afford (deposit-wise) and he pays (presumably) less rent than he does now. He has his property and you have yours. Neither has a claim on the other.

Would that work?

Yep that sounds v sensible.

@bigbaggyeyes

not in my interests for him to be skint and resentful

It's also not your job to fix this for him either

No I'm most definitely not getting into the "fixing up" game and I'm not making the long-term financial security of another able-bodied adult my problem.

But by the same token if you're both making some degree of commitment to the family unit and bearing in mind my daughter is not his and he would be participating in childcare and domestic responsibilities it wouldn't be fair for it to be completely financially one-sided.

Some very good solutions suggested here, thanks. Lots to think about.

@HollowTalk

What about this:

He buys a place to rent out. He uses the rent to pay the mortgage and to pay for repairs.

He lives with you and pays rent which is equivalent to half the mortgage (though you need a legal document to specify he has no claim.)

You share any repair costs on your place.

That way he has somewhere that he can afford (deposit-wise) and he pays (presumably) less rent than he does now. He has his property and you have yours. Neither has a claim on the other.

Would that work?

See I think all of the rental income profit (which might not be as much as you think it will be if you've ever been a landlord!) should go to @changetherecord71 to help pay for her mortgage and the bills split too.

By the way @changetherecord71 you are my hero.
Not often on here do you have a women being realistic about the cons of living with a man for the twilight years - and it's great you are thinking with your head and also of your daughters financial security.

I am in a similar situation to you - I was very (un)lucky to receive an inheritance from a family member who died too soon - I would be heart-broken to lose any of it, my relative worked hard for that money and I owe it to me to use it wisely.

@littlebite bless you

I agree with littlebite. Have so much respect for women like you who put their kids first. Your dp can walk away one day, but your child is your child forever and you are extremely sensible for keeping her as your priority. I think your last idea makes the most sense. I know you are trying to be fair to him, but you have to go with what's best for you and your dd first.

I'm around your age Change and completely understand where you are coming from!!

Once my youngest is an older teenager I am so tempted to change my will so my half of our marital home goes direct to the DC in case I go young and DH shacks with some young filly 😂

Even if he remarried and she had living interest or whatever it's still more protection than if I don't change my will.

I've seen too many bereaved older men swept off their feet and his DC get pushed aside for the wife's

I wouldn't be happy (like you have admitted) if I was the other person in this. It sounds like you perhaps shouldn't really be in a serious relationship the way you're talking about it. You need to make sure the guy is on the same page as you.

@littlebite, you say, See I think all of the rental income profit (which might not be as much as you think it will be if you've ever been a landlord!) should go to @changetherecord71 to help pay for her mortgage and the bills split too.

I wasn't anticipating much rental profit at all, which is why I thought he should pay the equivalent of the OP's mortgage rather than entangling their finances. I suggested he pays for his own repairs but also pays half of hers, given he's living there and there's wear and tear.

@coronaway

I wouldn't be happy (like you have admitted) if I was the other person in this. It sounds like you perhaps shouldn't really be in a serious relationship the way you're talking about it. You need to make sure the guy is on the same page as you.

I can understand that point of view.

But doesn't it depend on how you define "serious relationship"? I am totally committed to my DP romantically for now. But I question whether you have to throw your lot in with someone financially to be serious about them?

I do understand that where children are concerned this is pretty essential. But otherwise, when you have two financially self-sufficient adults, isn't it healthier to take the dependence out of the equation?

I'm not going to lie: this is self-interested of course.

But I also think the more independent people are within a relationship, and the easier it is for them to walk away if they want to, the better. Relationships which are based on financial dependence becomes prisons in my experience. Surely so much better to have chosen to come together rather than to have to go home to someone every night because you have a shared mortgage and all that guff....

I never understand the move in with someone argument but don't contribute to the mortgage as you don't own it. If you rented from a landlord you wouldn't have ownership at the end of it but you are paying to use the accommodation. Same if you live in someone's house. It's usually cheaper than renting but there are wear and tear and maintenance costs involved in home ownership. It seems a one-sided deal to be accommodated free of charge apart fromthe bills, almost like living with your parents when you are a dependent child.

@Dacquoise

I never understand the move in with someone argument but don't contribute to the mortgage as you don't own it. If you rented from a landlord you wouldn't have ownership at the end of it but you are paying to use the accommodation. Same if you live in someone's house. It's usually cheaper than renting but there are wear and tear and maintenance costs involved in home ownership. It seems a one-sided deal to be accommodated free of charge apart fromthe bills, almost like living with your parents when you are a dependent child.

I agree in principle: but from my perspective if it prevents him having a future share of the equity in the home I would prefer to do it like that.

You can have a document drawn up that specifies it's rent and he has no claim or beneficial interest in the property. As long as it's clear from the outset it would make a claim very difficult to be made at a later date.

@changetherecord71 yep different strokes for different folks and all that.

For me if I was in a commited relationship I'd want to to give my partner the best possible shot and stick through thick and thin - maybe I'm too naive and romantic though.

I think as long as you're happy if the roles were reversed then I can't see the issue. Would you be happy though? If he was thinking I don't want to get tied down when you turn older in case you turn boring, lose interest in sex, change (whatever it may be).

For me if someone didn't want to commit to me in every way I'd think they weren't in it for the long term. That is just me though. As long as you openly communicate with one another what you want and what you're expectations are then I can't see the problem.

@ittakes2

I am a bit confused as to if you see a future with him. If you do - wouldn't you want to make sure he's comfortable in his old age? you talk often of your daughter getting your full inheritance. If you die he loses his home? In our extended family the stepdads treat their step children as their own both emotionally and financially ie they pay for them as they do their biological children and they will be entitled to equal inheritance. maybe your boyfriend wants to see your child as his own?

It’s easy to say this when the mum is alive as my stepfather of over 30 years did. (Raised me from a a very young age and had no kids of his own.)

Then my mum died, he inherited everything - including the house my mum bought before her second marriage and I haven’t seen him since the funeral Apparently he has moved on. 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP - I really love that you are protecting your daughter’s interests.

Is he up for moving in with a rising teen and weathering the secondary years, exams, etc?

Do you do family holidays at present?

Are you getting ahead of yourself and overthinking?

Talk to the boyfriend. Say what you want, to buy a bigger house in your name, he pays half bills and a proportion towards upkeep. He then buys his BTL outside London and you are each secure if living together for whatever reason doesn't work out. You should have him pay something over 50% of bills otherwise you and your daughter are subbing him to live rent free while he has his own mortgage covered.

The fallback position / plan B (depending on what houses you like) would be tenants in common with equity ringfenced and a respective proportion of any uplift or reduction taken into account. This does mean you will need to remortgage or move to buy him out if things don't work out.

[quote coronaway]@changetherecord71 yep different strokes for different folks and all that.

For me if I was in a commited relationship I'd want to to give my partner the best possible shot and stick through thick and thin - maybe I'm too naive and romantic though.

I think as long as you're happy if the roles were reversed then I can't see the issue. Would you be happy though? If he was thinking I don't want to get tied down when you turn older in case you turn boring, lose interest in sex, change (whatever it may be).

For me if someone didn't want to commit to me in every way I'd think they weren't in it for the long term. That is just me though. As long as you openly communicate with one another what you want and what you're expectations are then I can't see the problem.[/quote]
Hi: hard to say how I'd feel if the roles were reversed. TBH I really wouldn't want shared finances with anyone, but I might have my nose a bit put out of joint.

TBH I think men and women often have different perspectives on this and a lot of it is social conditioning: women are often brought up to think that we need "total" commitment (ie shared financies/mortgages etc) because we're told we need a man to provide for us. Because historically we did. Even if that's no longer true in practice it conditions the way a lot of women approach the idea of how a relationship ought to work. And if you have children with someone that's a very sensible approach because you will need financial support if you're planning to take time off work.

But if you're a financially independent woman with children of your own "committing in every way" with someone you don't have children with could end up with a man walking off with 50% of the assets you wanted to leave to your children. No romantic relationship is worth that risk, for me.

@UpTheJunktion

Is he up for moving in with a rising teen and weathering the secondary years, exams, etc?

Do you do family holidays at present?

Are you getting ahead of yourself and overthinking?

It's definitely not something that's imminent. We've talked about it periodically and neither of us is in any rush. But I'm not overthinking because he's asked me what I want to do.

The only reason its come up recently is because I'm about to come into some money.

I love you OP. Being financially independent is so liberating, I wish more women could experience it

@Forestdweller11

If you go Tennant's in common though and you will your bit to your daughter what happens when you die. How does your daughter access her portion of the house? Would he be expected to sell up and release her equity? Life time interest? There's a lot to think about.

Her daughter would access her portion of the house by him buying her out of it or vice versa if either can afford . If not then it would be sold and % realised . However it may well be that OP would want to state that partner could live in the property until his death and this can be legally provided for .

@changetherecord71 you really do need to read up on this as this situation can work very easily with no threat to your financial independence and your daughter's inheritance . Speak to a lawyer as you may well want to draw up a cohabitation agreement.

Why do you need to live together? You'll end up being a psuedo wife he'll be much more inclined to take for granted, and your daughter will be forced to share her whole life and home with a man she did not choose. There's no rule that you have to live with a man.

Men generally love living with women (all the better for him if it's an unmarried set-up with no legal commitment if he wants to keep options open/keep his assets ) as it's the best way to get their needs serviced and to get a female to do a lot of the drudgery they would otherwise have to do.

He'll be seeing your inheritance a way to help him get on the property ladder. He's well aware it's a win-win situation for him because when/ if you break up (which is statistically very likely) he will walk way with a nice sum of equity for himself/his future relationship, especially if it's in London/South East.

I definitely would not be buying a house or potentially risking part of my child's inheritance for someone who I did not even want to marry and legally commit to! You're not even sure you see him as a life partner. The whole thing sounds crazy to me

I definitely would not be buying a house or potentially risking part of my child's inheritance for someone who I did not even want to marry and legally commit to

I agree -But why on earth would the OP want to marry, under any circumstances? There is no need, no point, and everything to lose.

She can love him, care for him, they can be totally devoted to each other without marriage. They are both employed, they will not have a shared child, the OP has her home, why would she even consider marriage rather than loving co-habitation?