Don't want shared equity in a property with my bf -- am I unfair and hypocritical?

[changetherecord71]

This is more of a moral scruple/dilemma question than something I'm actively worried about and its not on the immediate horizon... just wonder if I am thinking about this the right way.

I've been with my bf for nearly three years and love him to bits. Have a nearly 11 year old DD from a previous marriage. DD and bf get on well and I would like over time to think about moving in with him. I've always wanted to take this very slowly for DD's sake and not rush it and for a long time thought it might not ever happen. I'd still be fine if it didn't happen.

I'm about to inherit some money, which will be enough to upgrade my flat and hopefully get a bigger place with more bedrooms. The logical step in this scenario would obviously be for me and bf to pool savings and buy a property jointly.

Trouble is I really don't want to share equity in a property or finances with anyone. I lost out in my divorce and its taken me a while to build back up. I'm now reasonably solvent and my flat is in my name only and I love the security this gives me. I want it to be my daughter's inheritance solely and not for anyone else to have a claim on our family home.

On the other hand, if I were planning to cohabit with someone who in this scenario and they didn't want to pool finances with me I imagine I'd be a bit miffed. And I know he wants to buy property rather than chucking money away on rent and that he would struggle to get anything of a decent size where were are (London).

Would it be hypocritical to suggest an arrangement where he paid me rent rather than paying into the mortgage? It sounds a bit mean in some respects but I feel I have to protect myself and my daughter and tbh my biggest fear is having shared finances with someone - I can't think of anything worse than being financially entangled again. I have no reason to think he wouldn't be entirely trustworthy etc and he's good with money so its not him its me, if that makes sense. I just don't want to give up my hard-won freedom.

OP you said you didn’t want to rush living with your bf. Just because you are planning on buying another property why have you decided on sharing your home with your boyfriend.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to become financially entangled until you have even lived together. If your bf wanted to get on the property ladder he might have to buy something out of London.

@Moirarose2021

I own our house dp owns our holiday home, is something like that a possibility? maybe a btl rather than holiday. Both of us have been married before and want to ring fence our assets for our children ( none together)

My partner doesn't have children or want any and doesn't really have any living family -- he has remote nieces and nephews who live abroad and who he's barely met. So he wouldn't be worried about protecting money for an inheritance: I dare say he'd have no problem with my DD inheriting shared assets after he died but just not in any way which compromised his right to live in his own home.

Yeah I think a shared property thats not the shared home is the way forward.

@AviciaJones

OP you said you didn’t want to rush living with your bf. Just because you are planning on buying another property why have you decided on sharing your home with your boyfriend.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to become financially entangled until you have even lived together. If your bf wanted to get on the property ladder he might have to buy something out of London.

I haven't decided at all. TBH in an ideal world I wouldn't have any financial entanglement with him at all, ever. I just would like, if I do live with him, to make sure its done in a way which both protects my daughter's equity and is reasonably equitable to him. Its in the back of my mind that he wants to invest in property and has more or less given up on finding something he can afford in London so it would be a help to him. But that's frankly not my primary consideration.

I'd much prefer for him to move in without any financial involvement but conscious that it needs to be something which is fair to him.

What are his finances and job like?
Where does he currently live?

@RantyAnty

What are his finances and job like? Where does he currently live?

He's in FT work, earns less than me but decent (by UK standards) salary. Has about £60k in savings that he's looking to put into property. Would have liked to buy in London but hasn't been able to find anything he likes with that deposit so had recently started looking outside London for a BTL. He lives about 15 minutes away from me on a train.

There's no massive pressure to move in on either side: we both want to do it but accepted ages ago that due to my DD it wouldn't be something that would happen fast so he's content to wait but would like to buy somewhere reasonably soon. The last time we talked about it he said he would probably buy outside London.

@changetherecord71

Thanks everyone some really interesting suggestions. The tenants in common idea is an interesting one: but again all sorts of tricky ramifications such as if we split up or if I died before him etc.

The other idea which crossed my mind was for him to buy a share of the flat I own now: if he put his deposit in (about £60k) and we mortgaged it would get the mortgage down to fairly low level (about £80k outstanding) with a decent amount of equity. He could just live in a "family home" I buy outright and pay rent/bills. I would still have the greater chunk of the equity in this flat but he'd have about 1/3 of the equity of a London flat, we could make a decent amount letting it out and it would be cleaner and less emotional to sell in the event of a split. And the "family home" would remain mine and my daughter's property.

The downside of this of course is that I would get less money to put into buying a bigger house....

This is definitely worth exploring

I'd keep to ensuring that you have sole ownership of the house at this stage.
You've only been together for three years and never lived together before. Your relationship may change radically when you do live together! If the relationship fails, then it will be difficult and costly to extricate yourself.
Only consider buying together, much further down the line or possibly never.
When you have a child it's only natural to want to protect their long term financial interests and inheritance etc.
Maybe consider charging him a small rent, and he pays 50% of the outgoings.How he invests is up to him, but this would enable him to buy a rental property, or invest in stocks and shares if he wanted.
I guess you may need to rethink it all if you have a child together sometime in the future.

@MadinMarch

I'd keep to ensuring that you have sole ownership of the house at this stage. You've only been together for three years and never lived together before. Your relationship may change radically when you do live together! If the relationship fails, then it will be difficult and costly to extricate yourself. Only consider buying together, much further down the line or possibly never. When you have a child it's only natural to want to protect their long term financial interests and inheritance etc. Maybe consider charging him a small rent, and he pays 50% of the outgoings.How he invests is up to him, but this would enable him to buy a rental property, or invest in stocks and shares if he wanted. I guess you may need to rethink it all if you have a child together sometime in the future.

This is my primary concern. In all honestly I've found cohabitation to be the fastest way to kill a relationship. A relationship that's great when you're dating can rapidly turn sour when you're boiling with resentment about how much housework you're doing. I'm pretty sure my bf isn't like that but you never really know until you move in together.

There's absolutely no chance of us having a child together. I'm nearly 50 and neither of us wants to.

You can’t have it both ways. Seems like that’s what you want. I don’t think you should move in together at all.

@ElphabaTWitch

You can’t have it both ways. Seems like that’s what you want. I don’t think you should move in together at all.

What do you mean have it both ways?

I don't want to share equity with him in my primary home, if that's what you mean. If the choice is a straightforward one between keeping my finances separate or going all in with him I would go for option a) every time.

If there is a way to invest with him in a way which doesn't jeopardise my financial autonomy I'd like to do that. If not I won't. Not sure how that's having it both ways?

Gawd OP your post and attitude is refreshing! I agree you need to protect your daughter /inheritance.

what i would do is either;
your partner moves in with you, pays half the bills only (not mortgage). he buys his own house/investment flat.

option B, you move, you buy a bigger house, same applies -he has no stake on it and buys his own house/flat

I personally would never pool finances with kids involved that are not my partners. Too many clauses/issues/if you break up

I say the above as someone who owns a house, would never live with a partner in a joint owned house and to be fair i would say the same advice to a man in his position he needs to also protect himself, have property.

All other things aside, I'm not sure about your timing.
Is it a good idea to get into property now? Is it a good idea to move your bf in when DD is about to undergo big changes (moving up to secondary school; puberty)?

There are other places to park an inheritance apart from property.

I am a bit confused as to if you see a future with him. If you do - wouldn't you want to make sure he's comfortable in his old age? you talk often of your daughter getting your full inheritance. If you die he loses his home?
In our extended family the stepdads treat their step children as their own both emotionally and financially ie they pay for them as they do their biological children and they will be entitled to equal inheritance. maybe your boyfriend wants to see your child as his own?

Being cynical and seeing how property has not been passed down to offspring (as it should have been in my opinion) on a number of occasions mainly due to misplaced trust etc., I think you are very wise to fully safeguard your property/in heritance for your daughter. I would do the same without a shadow of a doubt in your shoes.

@senua
There are other places to park an inheritance apart from property.

I'm genuinely interested to know where you think the other places to park an inheritance are?

All of this can be tied up legally via a solicitor, so you protect your initial investment/deposit and, in the even of your death, your dd gets that and your had of any remaining equity.

Or, as you said, if you've no intention of getting married the house remains in your name and you ensure, again via a solicitor, that he pays an amount towards bills etc but has no financial claim

I did this with my bf as I was in a similar situation, had been divorced and had to work my way up the property ladder again and didn't like the idea of having to share it again should anything happen in the relationship.

@ittakes2

I am a bit confused as to if you see a future with him. If you do - wouldn't you want to make sure he's comfortable in his old age? you talk often of your daughter getting your full inheritance. If you die he loses his home? In our extended family the stepdads treat their step children as their own both emotionally and financially ie they pay for them as they do their biological children and they will be entitled to equal inheritance. maybe your boyfriend wants to see your child as his own?

I see a short/medium term future with him for sure. I don't know about a long term future. He's lovely, but to be totally honest, I have questions about whether I want a man living with me when I'm really old. I think when they get beyond the age of child-rearing and sex women do far better without men in almost every respect. Men generally become so dull when they get old. I saw so many of my mum's contemporaries thrive once they'd got rid of their husbands.

Do I want him to be comfortable in his old age? Yes I do, of course, but that's on him: I don't want that to become entirely my problem. I want to be sure there's adequate provision on his side which isn't tied to my assets.

The relationship is great now and serves my purpose really well but who knows if it will survive long-term? When I'm 70, having a man who is too old to work may be a millstone around my neck. I don't want to inherit responsibility for an old man because I fancied him when I was younger. And I certainly don't want a man who I'd rather not be with ending up taking half of my daughter's inheritance because I made a foolish decision 20 years previously.

If that makes me sound cynical - I essentially made this mistake with my marriage. I was lucky to survive that unscathed. My bf is a much better bet than my ex husband was. But I'm not gambling my financial security on this.

You sound very switched on to me OP. I like the idea of not sharing houses and finances in a relationship, you get the best parts of that person without the annoying bits.

OP you're being very wise.

I think buying a place on your own and inviting him to live with you when time is right is the most sensible way to deal with it. He can pay his half outgoings (and yes I’d say that includes mortgage because why should he stay free of ‘rent’?) and consider what he wants to do with his own deposit in his own time. I think any decent adult would understand your need to protect your assets for your child’s future but honestly and being open is the only way to discuss this. If he has big issues with it then he’s probably not the right one for you.

I think you sound fantastic and very realistic.

I don’t think you should move in with him at all. Protect your assets and let him look after himself.

I think it’s perfectly fine to buy on your own, there’s no law that says you have to buy a house with a man! BUT, if he lives with you, I don’t believe it’s fair to charge him rent (unless it’s at a very discounted rate) because you will not be providing him with the legal protections that a tenancy agreement would give him.

Thanks all. It's a tricky moral one really more than anything and I've been wrestling with it: it comes down to the question of whether you intrinsically owe someone you're in a long relationship with financial security if kids don't come into the equation.

I feel like the default - of pooling resources is the best way when there are shared children so tend to assume its the best way. But if you don't have shared children, and you're a female breadwinner its often a lose/lose to get too financially entangled with a man. At the same time I don't want to be unecessarily heartless about it and I want to find a solution which benefits him financially if possible its not in my interests for him to be skint and resentful.

[quote MaeveDidIt]@senua
There are other places to park an inheritance apart from property.

I'm genuinely interested to know where you think the other places to park an inheritance are?[/quote]
Don't ask me, I'm not an IFA!
But pension for OP or leg-up for the DD (support during University or apprenticeship) spring to mind.

not in my interests for him to be skint and resentful

It's also not your job to fix this for him either