This is a long one but I need your honest opinions......

[zephyrcat]

Ok - I've been thinking about writing this for days now - sorry its so long but I need to know if I am the only one who thinks I'm right!!
I met dp when he was a pub landlord and I worked for him. He lived with his gf and their son. They were close to splitting up and she went off to her parents every weekend. I started seeing him, she found out and left. He started off seeing their son every weekend - no problems. I found her diaries and read them and it came to light that since she met dp she just wanted a child and then an excuse to leave him. In the books and letters to her friends she described him as an evil dictator, a bully and much worse and that she had to get away so it was just her and her precious son, and that she was working on a plan to get rid of him. The gf moved back to her parents (which is round the corner from his) and told them all the sob story about him cheating on her!! She has turned his whole family against us. A year later i fell pregnant. She obviously didnt like this and started playing games. When dp went to pick the boy up she had obviously primed him not to go with daddy so dp would come home totally dejected, got very depressed every time this happened and ended up in us having huge rows. Once our dd was born I told him it couldnt carry on as it was affecting us asd a family and wasnt fair so we gave her 3 chances and she blew it so he decided he would stay away until the boy was old enough to make his own choice. However because she had poisoned his family against us his parents refused to see our dd. One day we took her to see his mum and his dad wouldnt even look at dd. I was furious and even more adament that dp didnt have anything more to do with the x and the boy. I later discovered thru further reading that the boy is likely not to even be his. Last year dp's dad died in an accident. I wasnt allowed to go to the funeral with him and dp's mum went to the funeral with his sister on one arm and the x on the other andf pretty much ignored dp. Acouple of months later i found out dp had been sneaking off to see the boy while i thought he was at work. I went mad and told him if he went back he would lose us. Iknow deep down hew hates me for doing that but I had all this crap while I was growing up and I dont want my 2 dragged into her games. Am i in the wrong?? Should i let him see the boy at the risk of my children having him around one minute then not when it suits her? I dont think i can do that but dont want to lose dp over it!! Sorry this is so long!! If you're still awake i need some honest advice!

If he thinks the child is his and truly needs to be with him, don't stop him...JMO

Sorry you're having such a difficult time, but I agree that it would be quite wrong to stop him from seeing his child. You'll drive him away if you try to do that.

how old is the son now ? Is he old enough to develop his own opinions ? If so then I think you should try and encourage having the boy over and making him part of your family as much as possible. Because whatever happens - your dp (as far as you know) is father to all the kids and ought to try and be there for them all.

Is it possible to met with the x and come to an agreement that the past is not discussed - and the future is to try and make a working realtionship for the benefit of the kids ?

Yes, he should be encouraged to see his son. Am a bit confused though. He did cheat on her didn't he?

we tried that before throkenholt, but she cant seem to leave it at that, every time we try to be civil she makes up some crap that turns his family against us even more. the boy has just turned 7. I understand that he should see him, but how do i protect my children from being affected by her manipulatingdp and affecting his moods etc? Funny thing is we went for lunch once with dp's 92 year old grandad and his 90 year old girlfriend told me to stay well away and to move away and start a new life away from them all because of what the x is like

Hi honey. You shouldn't stop him from seeing his son coz that is just a knee jerk reaction imo. However I do think that you two need to talk and set out the rules about when and how often rather than him sneaking off. When it is possible encourage his son to be part of your family too. Take it slowly and hopefully when you update us there will be good news.

Very difficult

Your dp needs to his son without letting his ex manipulate him. You are right it is not fair on any of you and even worse on his son. His family seem to be making matters worse too. Do you think your dp is strong enough to stand up to her and not let it affect him so much? Does he have set visitation rights?

I guess you just have to keep trying - maybe she has grown up a bit now and is prepared to let the past be the past. And maybe it is worth trying to build bridges with dp's family - again say you are trying to sort things out for the sake of the kids, and be adamant that you will not discuss the past. You have to try and not descend into a slanging match - however hard it is - you have to be the adult here - because it looks like the others are not going to be.

she cares so much about seeing his family because they give her son thousands of pounds - which suits her quite nicely. I showed him the diaries becuse i thought he needed to know what she had been planning through their whole relationship. Basically she wanted a kid, used him and his family because of his parents money, and had been plotting to get rid of him from day one. There was also a list of other people she had been sleeping with and a hospital print out stating that she had a rather nasty std at the time of her sons birth which i know didnt come from dp. My x and i were together for 6 years, he had 2 children and we all got along wonderfully. I'm not doing it to be spiteful, I'm onlt doing it to protect my children from getting caught in her crap. God it makes me soooo mad!!!!!!

Some people are just so manipulative arent they?

I'm afraid if he wants to carry on seeing his son he is going to have to ignore his ex. Maybe it would be a good idea to get a solicitors letter drawn up stating what days are agreed between the two of them as the boys parents that your dp can see his son. this way she will be unable (I Tthink) to manipulate him as much. The boy must be so confused when his mother carries on like this. As for your dp not knowing if he is father, why doesnt he have a dna test? i take it he pays maintenance, so the best thing really would be for him to have a dna test surely?

Some people are just vile unfortunatly. It is no good playing them at their own game as they arent worth it. It would be better for your dp to take everything she says with a pinch of salt and just 'try' and be there for his son and make sure his children with you are protected from such venom

His parents refused to see dd when she was little. We took her to their house to see his mum as she was easier to talk to and his dad wouldnt even look at dd. Now its just his mum and she hasnt seen dd for almost 2 years and has never seen ds. We have written to her and asked her to see them but she ignores us. As i say, at dp's dad's funeral his mum went arm in arm with his sister (who also has cut us off) and his x. They cannot see through her. We even showed his mum the diary page about her devising a plan to get dp out of her life and his mum would have nmone of it!!! This is why i wonder if we're better off staying away and just getting on with our own life

Sorry, still confused. Why did she describe him as an evil dictator and a bully in her diary?

From what i can gather tinker she never really liked him in the first place!! Seems she just used his good nature and took advantage to the max! She stated loads of times that she wanted him out of her life so it would be "just me and my precious boy" - parts of it made me wonder about her mentality!!

remember his son is also your childrens step brother. they may want a relationship with him when they are older. As hard as it is, try to take the high road and don't rise to her comments, let you DP have an open relationship with his son and keep trying to win his family over. JMO
He did cheat on her and his son though - his family may just be afraid she'd stop them from seeing their grandson if they sided against her.

I dont have a problem with dd and ds seeing him or whatever when they make the decision - and likewise i dont mind dp seeing him when he can come of his own accord and she's nothing to do with it. I really dont want dd and ds caught up in it while they are little.

am i being totally irrationasl or is there some sense in the way i'm seeing this??

I don't think the contact should stop, but equally I don't think your feelings are irrational, it's perfectly understandable in the circumstances. I am in a similar position and there are times when I wish we didn't have to have my dss in our lives - not because of the child but because of all the aggravation from the ex. I look at my ds and just think he doesn't deserve to be caught up in all this, in fact I look at my dss and think he doesn't either and can't understand why his mother doesn't see that too.

However, the reality is that dss exists so we all have to make the best of it. My dh and I have made endless efforts to get things on a better footing between the ex and us, but she wants none of it.

I always try look on it that if the ex knew she was causing problems between us she would be laughing, and there's no way I am going to let her affect our relationship.

What sort of things does the ex do that causes problems?

She has turned his whole family against us with a string of lies. She used to tell the boy that if he didnt go with daddy he could go to the park or whatever so when dp would turn up to collect him for the day the boy would refuse to go with him - thus dp would get severely depressed, often break down in tears at home and we had countless arguments while i was pregnant and when our dd was tiny. Thats what made me decide it had to stop for the sake of all involved

She is very close to dp's mum and sister and has turned them against us as they think the sun shines...... you know the rest!!!

That must be so hard for you. I can see why you have become protective of your own family. My feelings definitely changed once my ds was born. He was my priority then. I felt guilty about it though until I read in a book that this was a perfectly normal reaction, as a mother will protect her own.

I don't know if this helps at all but I just wanted you to know you aren't the only one to feel how you do.

thanks surfermum - i guess thats really all i've been wanting to hear!! I mean, I know i'm being unreasonable by asking dp not to see him but when it came down to the welfare of her child and the welfare of ours - that good old maternal instinct was right there and ours won hands down. I know its a long way from resolved but it means a lot to hear I'm not a complete b**ch in my way of thinking!!!!

Me too - I was starting to wonder if I was being a b**ch as well. Keep strong.