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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wwyd about little lies

41 replies

MaryB90 · 18/05/2021 10:40

Hello,
Recently I've noticed my DP tells little lies about strange things.
One example:
He is a driver, had an issue with his car and needed the spare set of keys, someone dropped them off to him, there was another issue and he asked me to pick him up from where he left his work car. We were chatting when I picked him up and he said a 'he' dropped the keys of to him, then later on in conversation said something along the lines of 'Kate was on the way back from office so dropped them off to me', then looked at me with a fearful expression.
Now I'm not the jealous, insecure type so I wasn't bothered that Kate dropped them off to him, I just carried on talking.
I found it strange that he lied saying it was a male who dropped them off. He said it was a male several times before saying it was Kate, so it wasn't an accident.

Other times he says something and when I mention it as I don't agree with it or want to challenge something, he says oh I can't remember saying that.
I'm not argumentative but I do challenge him for example I'd say, why did you say so and so? He usually explains and that's the end of it, but recently, he just 'doesn't remember' even if it was 5 minutes ago.

We're both 30 so it's not his memory giving up

He lies about the most insignificant things that I would not care about, but the fact he lies drives me insane.

I thought about calmly mentioning it to him tonight, or wwyd?

OP posts:

Inthesameboatatmo · 18/05/2021 10:48

My ex husband was like that .
I think the term is gaslighting .
It will only get worse unfortunately

BookiesBicycle · 18/05/2021 11:00

It’s a form of manipulation.
It becomes a huge stressful problem when you don’t trust what your partner says.
If there are frequent “small” lies, remember, those lead to bigger ones.

seensome · 18/05/2021 11:03

Hmmm I'm wondering why he needs to mention such a small thing several times, could it be he's trying to make you jealous?
Whatever the reason, what seem white lies all mount up and you can't believe anything they say, do talk to him it's a serious matter if this keeps on happening.

NanuNanuM · 18/05/2021 11:06

My DP did that all the time . He said it was because it was easy than the possibility of me asking questions. It got less white lies and bigger. Due to other stuff happening with us as a family he went to therapy and it's eased off.

I found it and disrespectful and I didn't trust him. But he didn't understand my point of view.

Original poster

MaryB90 · 18/05/2021 11:12

Thank you for the replies. It's nice to get an outside perspective, I know what gaslighting is but strangely didn't link it to his behaviour. I do see it now.

He was never like this before, the lies have only started recently. Do you think if I speak with him he will understand, is it worth me mentioning it or will it be a waste of breath?

I don't want him to start lying about bigger stuff, I'd like to find a way of stopping it, if there is one.

OP posts:

seensome · 18/05/2021 11:14

Definitely not a waste of breath besides he is bad at lying and easily caught out.

BookiesBicycle · 18/05/2021 11:16

The big lies may already be in place. I would remain vigilant.
If something is important and you are relying on it, double check.

booboo24 · 18/05/2021 13:06

My ex husband was like this, for years and years he would lie about the most insignificant things. I remember saying to him once that he was eroding my trust and one day there might be something he'll really need me to believe him about and I won't be able to.

It completely messed my head up over the 20 odd years we were together, so much so that my trust is almost non existent. My mum says that it must be like living in a court of law living with me! Don't become like this, try and get him to see what he's doing as this will rot your relationship from the inside out, trust me (no pun intended there!)

Mumoblue · 18/05/2021 13:12

I would speak to him. My ex used to tell bizarre little lies, and it led to big ones.
I always said to my ex: however mad or upset you think I might be at the truth, I will be 100 times more upset if you lie to me.

Didn’t stop him, but it’s best to address this behaviour early.

HollowTalk · 18/05/2021 13:13

You can't stop a liar from lying. The only thing you can do is to distance yourself from them.

namechangingforthis19586 · 18/05/2021 13:17

I'd be concerned that among all the little lies there's a bigger lie and he's sort of practicing all the time.

HJ91 · 18/05/2021 14:15

Until I married a compulsive liar, I would have said don’t worry about the small lies if it doesn’t really matter. But this is a pattern of behaviour indicative of much bigger underlying problems. If he lies about the small stuff, you can bet he’s lying about the big stuff, or will do, given the chance. I was a mess of a person after leaving my ex, and felt like I was going crazy. Took a long time and plenty of therapy to get to a place where I could trust a partner again. Don’t do it to yourself!

I should also point out that he probably hasn’t just started to lie - he’s been doing it the whole time, you just didn’t catch him out before now.

somebodyoutthere · 18/05/2021 14:22

My stbexh was like this..he would tell little lies to avoid being in the wrong ie did you ask relative to look after the pets while away for the weekend? Yes. Leading to pets not being looked after, and me thanking a bewildered relative for looking after pets. I think it’s about avoiding truth, honesty, openness...and yes does ultimately (in my case) mean you lose all respect for them.

BookiesBicycle · 18/05/2021 14:31

@somebodyoutthere

That’s just wild! Doesn’t even make any sense to lie about something like that! It must be like some sort of crazy compulsion.

MissScotland101 · 18/05/2021 14:31

The trust would be gone for me, why hide the female work friend unless he fancies her..this is where my mind would be, sorry.

I once had a boyfriend like this who would lie about ridiculous things such as what number of bus he got, what he had eaten when I wasn’t home and all sorts of ridiculous things, then he cheated just before I ended it for good, and to this day he won’t admit it because he is simply a compulsive liar.

Aprilwasverywet · 18/05/2021 14:34

Ltb would cure you having to listen to them..
My exh used to lie. And go nuts if I dared to confront him... His lies did become quite far fetched tbh..

Original poster

MaryB90 · 18/05/2021 14:35

Thanks all for your replies. I'm very laid back and I don't argue, I don't see why he feels the need to lie. It's bizzare. I'm very close to his parents, so at least I know he hasn't lied about his past.

@seensome he is indeed very bad at lying, he tells me a lie, forgets what he said and gets caught out.

@hj91 I think you might be right about him being a liar all along. I just remembered how when we first met he told me a story and a few months down the line, I found out he changed a few details. I confronted him about it and he said he doesn't remember but if he did lie it was because we just met and he didn't want to put me off.

To be honest it's all very off putting. All your stories have made me want to pack my bags and leave, but I'm pregnant with our first DC.

OP posts:

MissScotland101 · 18/05/2021 14:37

Oh OP what a time to realise that your DH is a liar..shit, I was pregnant when I was with my lying ex too..it’s awful when the man you are having a kid with isn’t a good partner.

Hugs

Aprilwasverywet · 18/05/2021 14:38

Don't use a dc ad an excuse to be treated badly op... Would you want your dc to be in a less than ideal relationship?

BookiesBicycle · 18/05/2021 14:40

Let’s hope he is a better father than he is truth teller.

Original poster

MaryB90 · 18/05/2021 14:43

@MissScotland101 I'm sorry to hear he cheated on you .
I'm not concerned about this woman, she could be his mother, unless he lied about her age too he mentions her a lot.
He's worked with her for years.

Very strange to lie about the things you've mentioned, they're so insignificant

I've had an ex years ago who used to lie about what he was up to on his days off. For example he would tell me he was home but actually went for a bike ride.

Some people are bizzare

OP posts:

MissScotland101 · 18/05/2021 14:45

[quote MaryB90]@MissScotland101 I'm sorry to hear he cheated on you .
I'm not concerned about this woman, she could be his mother, unless he lied about her age too he mentions her a lot.
He's worked with her for years.

Very strange to lie about the things you've mentioned, they're so insignificant

I've had an ex years ago who used to lie about what he was up to on his days off. For example he would tell me he was home but actually went for a bike ride.

Some people are bizzare [/quote]
Thanks, he did loads of stuff but I was too young and naive to recognise that he would be a shit partner!

Yep people do lie about bizarre things, I just think they cannot help it.

RantyAnty · 18/05/2021 14:49

Men are liars.

Aprilwasverywet · 18/05/2021 18:14

I am 10 years older than my dh. Some men like older women op!

Google her name and job op. See for yourself..

Alcemeg · 18/05/2021 18:39

I used to lie for no particular reason. I just felt really ashamed of myself all the time, like the real explanation for things wasn't good enough. So I'd make up something "better."

I'm not like it any more, I think it went hand in hand with years of abusive relationships.

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