Wwyd about little lies

[MaryB90]

Hello,
Recently I've noticed my DP tells little lies about strange things.
One example:
He is a driver, had an issue with his car and needed the spare set of keys, someone dropped them off to him, there was another issue and he asked me to pick him up from where he left his work car. We were chatting when I picked him up and he said a 'he' dropped the keys of to him, then later on in conversation said something along the lines of 'Kate was on the way back from office so dropped them off to me', then looked at me with a fearful expression.
Now I'm not the jealous, insecure type so I wasn't bothered that Kate dropped them off to him, I just carried on talking.
I found it strange that he lied saying it was a male who dropped them off. He said it was a male several times before saying it was Kate, so it wasn't an accident.

Other times he says something and when I mention it as I don't agree with it or want to challenge something, he says oh I can't remember saying that.
I'm not argumentative but I do challenge him for example I'd say, why did you say so and so? He usually explains and that's the end of it, but recently, he just 'doesn't remember' even if it was 5 minutes ago.

We're both 30 so it's not his memory giving up

He lies about the most insignificant things that I would not care about, but the fact he lies drives me insane.

I thought about calmly mentioning it to him tonight, or wwyd?

My child's Father lies all of the time. He actively tells my child what to tell me happened in certain events "if Mummy asked you were in bed by 7" "If mummy asks you read to me after school" I soon realised that anything I ever ask him to do he will sherk and it would result in a lie, so to avoid my child being asked to lie I never have any real parenting expectations of his dad at all now, I haven't asked him to do anything for three years even if it's something the school want him to do.
So now he makes them up because there is nothing to cover up, he pretends there are expectations that were never really there so he can give my Son the 'cover story' still.
People never change OP have a back up plan even if you're not ready to use it.

I think how he lied about the woman is really suspicious TBH. And how he mentions her a lot actually is more suspicious.

Even if she's older he might have something going on with her.

The other stuff is like he wants you not to hold him accountable for doing a thing. The initial stuff was to charm you.

None of it is endearing now you've realized it.

He's probably always lied to you. The worrying thing for me with liars is that they'd rather see you suffer than tell you the truth. Definitely not good for a longterm relationship.

It's totally intolerable. I used to look out of the window to check if he said it was raining. You waste ur time and effort engaging in fake realities. So glad he is an ex

Nip this in the bud, OP.

It is not intrinsic to human beings to be honest - it has to be taught. However if children are not allowed to learn about honesty in a non dramatic way, then they can't experiment with lying and honesty as part of the learning process. SO if a child is punished out of all balance for a lie or is constantly berated about 'honesty' from someone who is scary or not all that straight forward themselves, they never learn the security that comes with being an honest person. Lying can also give them control over the parent they fear, don't trust or are dominated by emotionally.

If you can get under the skin of it or get him to therapy to address this particular issue he might be able to develop beyond this glitch. Or it might be fundamentally hardwired - it depends how willing he is to engage with self-reflection.

I wouldn't ignore it though.....

@Rosabug, the biggest compulsive liar I ever knew also had the most scarily controlling and volatile mother. It’s very sad. They can be victims themselves, with learned defense mechanisms. Still, the behaviour is very damaging and destructive and it’s okay to decide not to cope with it anymore.

[quote HideAndSeeking]**@Rosabug, the biggest compulsive liar I ever knew also had the most scarily controlling and volatile mother. It’s very sad. They can be victims themselves, with learned defense mechanisms. Still, the behaviour is very damaging and destructive and it’s okay to decide not to cope with it anymore.[/quote]
@HideAndSeeking - yes I think if you look closely you can often see how it has developed from parent to adult child. My ex had very obsessively polite, but emotionally cut off parents and I can see how not having his real feelings accepted or 'seen' made him develop some sort of fictional self.

I remember the first time my child actively lied to me. I can remember thinking about it and deciding to not go down the shaming route. On some level I realised it was important for her to test out her power through lying. All kids go through this.

And yes it can be seductive to think because you can see it and articulate the issues to the person in question, you can cure it. Often you cannot and to keep trying is a particular type of folly. Been there and read the book!

Actually if you like some serious cinema "The White Ribbon" by Michael Haneke is all about this. Brilliant film.

The lies have only started recently. Do you think if I speak with him he will understand, is it worth me mentioning it or will it be a waste of breath?

Because of the first sentence, the second will almost certainly be a waste of time. Clearly he knows exactly what he's doing, so vigilance could be a better approach - though when it gets to the point where you need to check up on them it's effectively over

I also agree with a PP who said the big lies could already be in place, though whether you'll ever discover the details is anyone's guess. Either way he's obviously well ahead of you on this, and that's not a way I'd want to live

I used to lie for no particular reason. I just felt really ashamed of myself all the time, like the real explanation for things wasn't good enough. So I'd make up something "better."

Me too. Emotionally abusive childhood, zero self esteem, terrified of upsetting my mum. Took therapy to see it. Apparently it's common in people with certain types of "interesting" childhoods. Therapy couldn't fix the worthlessness but sorted the lying.

Personally I'd run a mile OP, whether it's a symptom of being an arse or deeper issues from childhood, trust is crucial. Plus broken people make rubbish partners.

So, an update, this morning he lied to me again, I asked him if the door to the kitchen was closed as he just came out of there, he said yes. After a while we both walked downstairs and kitchen door was wide open, I asked him why he lied, he said oh it was only a small lie , I told him that I do not appreciate him lying, I will not stand for it and I will not have my future dc around a liar. Told him a lie is a lie and if he continues with the white lies, they will eventually turn into big ones then he'll end up alone.
He was embarrassed at being caught out, he apologised.

I'd be naive to believe this was his last one so I will stay vigilant.

I know some men are into older women, she might be a drop dead gorgeous older woman for all I know, but they work together and even if there was chemistry between them there's nothing I can do about it. I can't make him go into work with a blind fold .
Also, I don't know what your opinions are on this but I've read somewhere that if you show jealousy over someone it makes them even more appealing to your partner could be bs?
Anyway I'm not going to sweat about this woman I'm pregnant and want to focus on me and baby, if there is something going on between them he will spill sooner or later as he is a really bad liar.

This may be the beginning of years of vigilance, it can ruin someone when it’s prolonged and sustained. He needs to get help, with or without you.

I understand pp about lying due to situations with childhood, from what he's told me his childhood was amazing and he has really loving parents, not sure if there's a link in this case.

Pp said he could be lying to avoid confrontation, I do agree with that. I have to admit I do question him if he says something I do not like, maybe he feels like he's being interrogated, so lies to avoid it.
He hasn't said this himself, but maybe this is the case and I need to work on myself a little too

@rosabug

It is not intrinsic to human beings to be honest - it has to be taught. However if children are not allowed to learn about honesty in a non dramatic way, then they can't experiment with lying and honesty as part of the learning process. SO if a child is punished out of all balance for a lie or is constantly berated about 'honesty' from someone who is scary or not all that straight forward themselves, they never learn the security that comes with being an honest person. Lying can also give them control over the parent they fear, don't trust or are dominated by emotionally.

If you can get under the skin of it or get him to therapy to address this particular issue he might be able to develop beyond this glitch. Or it might be fundamentally hardwired - it depends how willing he is to engage with self-reflection.

I wouldn't ignore it though.....

This information is a brilliant insight.

I had very domineering tachers and I felt the urge to lie constantly in response.

I actually became selectively mute instead they were so bad. I still lied a bit but this explains why so thanks for this.

Did you ask him specifically why he lied about the door? I think when he said it was just a white lie, it was an opportunity to ask (gently, if that might work better) what his reason was to not tell the truth. It's not an important thing so he would get nothing out of lying - ask if he does it as a reflex because you're trying to understand him and at the moment it doesn't make sense to you why he tells white lies that are of no consequence other than making you feel lied to.