On my own after affair

[Swannest]

Just want some advice about living alone.
I’m 62 and my marriage has ended. I have been trying to accept my DH after his affair with a co worker 2 years ago but i have just realised I can’t do it.
I’ve tried counselling, anti depressants, trial separation, cbt and couples counselling. I’ve read lots of ‘getting over infidelity’ books. I’ve tried treating it as a new relationship. I’ve tried being kind to my husband and not mentioning the affair.
But I still feel awful and I just can’t do it anymore.
But I’m very apprehensive about living alone.
My children are grown up and live in australia. My family are all dead except for one who lives in france. I don’t live near any friends. My life us very entwined with DH.
I still work but want to retire in next couple of years.
I have a different worry about living alone every day. Todays is that I will be seriously ill with no one to look after me.
Please tell me your happy stories about striking out on your own.

Are you still on good terms with your husband? If so, is it possible for you to live in the same home separately? I have friends who effectively converted their house into two flats. They have they have a friendship and the security of someone being about, but have their independence. It wouldn’t work for everyone but it seems to work for them.

Could you consider following your children to Oz? I don’t know about visas but with more than one family member there it’s surely more likely? Just an idea?

On the surface I’m on good terms with my husband but privately I can no longer stand him. I can’t forgive or forget his affair.
I can’t go to Australia. Our kids are there on work visas and I’m sure they will come home eventually.
I need to live alone I think. Maybe it’s not such a scary prospect?

I think it's completely normal to have these sorts of worries running through your head. It's just a natural reaction to a big change. Presumably you've been with your husband for a long time if you have grown up children. It's going to take time to get used to a new life. Sounds like you have given the relationship a chance to recover but it won't work, so try to embrace the change and the opportunities it could bring. Your children will be back home at some point. If you were really ill I'm sure they'd come back or arrange help from afar. You aren't alone, even if they happen to live in a different country for now. Focus on improving your situation e.g how can you make some more friends. Focus on yourself, take up hobbies, lots of people meet new partners in their 60s if that's something you are interested in. By having an affair your husband has proved that he can't be relied upon anyway so don't assume by staying with him he'd actually support you if you were ill etc. You've made the decision mentally don't be afraid to act on it. Good luck!

Thanks @MegsSmeg for wise words. It’s true I no longer trust him and during his affair he was very callous and uncaring. He’s very solicitous now though. He thinks I have got over it all. We have been together for 41 years in total.
He had an affair with a married coworker. She decided her family was more important than him in the end.
I think i’m still shocked that he could fall out of love with me (although he now says he didnt) and I feel very scared about the future. I know that if I leave I will never have anything to do with him again unless i absolutely have to.

I found out about my OH's affair two years ago. I tried just like you but I couldn't forgive or forget either as hard as I tried so I ended it. Being on your own takes a bit of getting used to but the best bit is you no longer have to see the person who treated you with complete disrespect and cheatd on you. You get to find yourself again and design your life how you want it. Your children would step up if you were ill. When you're ready there are ways you can meet people and even maybe a new partner.

I don't regret ending it for one minute.Life is for living and now I'm excited about the future.

It’s so hard isnt it @gonnabeok ?
He acts like everything's fine but i’m eaten up inside. Yesterday i had to get something out of his car and I found these sticks of rock. He said a woman he works with had given them to him (joke present from work trip to seaside place). He said she’d given some to everyone in the office and I’m sure that’s true but I just felt sick and I realised that I’m not getting over all this. I need to do something.

I am late 60s and quite a few acquaintances or friends of friends have lost spouses when they passed away. I had been wondering if there are any support groups/facebooks groups that they can connect with. Maybe have a look online.

It's normal to feel like this op. You've been married for a long time.

My dad lost his wife (my mum) and they'd been married to each other for nearly 40 years and were very much their own little unit, few friends and my brother and I live 6 hrs away. I was really worried how he'd cope on his own, but he's now got a better social life than me! He's always off, out and about with his friends. He made himself get involved in the community and he's now got a great social circle. Just before lockdown he had a heart bypass, we tried to spend as much time as we could with him, but we both work full time and have dc. But his friends have all rallied round him and the whole community support each other. So much so that when he had a lie in (after one too many whiskies), his neighbours came knocking at the door because he'd not opened his curtains by 11am

I'm now so much more comfortable with him living so far away as I know he's got his friends.

It will be difficult but have you thought about joining the WI, or maybe take up some local hobbies, help out at the local school etc.

As you work you probably haven't really researched hobbies and past times. I'm sure there will be many in your area for retirees, some people retire early still, the U3A is one with many different groups.

I can’t quite believe he’s had an affair at the age of 60 but I guess it can go on at any age. I thought this would be a quiet contented happy part of my life instead of a holy **show.
So i think this is why it’s hard to get my head around being ok on my own.
Like being widowed I suppose except DH still around!

I think coping with the deceit and lies from an adulterer are something you hardly never really get past. I know when my dh cheated on me, it was less about the physical side of things, but more about the emotional cheating. This was someone who had seen me give birth to our daughter and he was supposed to be the one person who wouldn't treat me so badly. It took me 3 years, but I couldn't ever get past it. It was one of the reasons we eventually divorced.

U3A (mentioned above) is exactly the group I was thinking of but couldn't remember the name! My friend is single and late 60s. She joined her local U3A group and has made lots of friends. They have a host of activities (a lot on pause at the moment due to covid, but soon to start up again). She has joined their book group, attend theatre/art events, talks about things etc. Might be worth researching to see if there is one in your area. Regardless of whether you separate or not, it sounds like you need to focus on yourself and branch out to new friendships. They may be loose/casual friendships at first but some of them will gradually develop into a network of friends you can rely on and support each other.

My mum separated from my dad in her 60s. She has made lots of new friends and has an active social life. U3A as others suggested, single meet up groups (the focus is not really on meeting partners but friends) where they go on walks, galleries, days out etc, WI for a bit but not really her cup of tea, she has been on lots of single holidays including trips to China, India, Thailand & made some good friends that way who she now has her own trips with.

It is hard being on own for first time. I found it hard after divorce (after his affair) 17 years ago. I hated the quiet in the house, I had radio on all the time for background noise. But after a while i liked the peace, no one to worry about but me. I had lovely pink towels in my bathroom and everything the way I wanted it. Are you in same house? If so move furniture around/make some changes perhaps redecorate (pink!)

As others have said join some groups to meet new friends. You wont be the only 60yr old who is alone…. You’ll meet new friends and find support that way. There is a whole new world ahead of you and 60 really is the new 50. I know its not easy and its scary but try and embrace your new freedom. Why dont you plan a visit to Aus in next year or two?

Swannest I am so sorry you are going through this.

You have lived unhappily for long enough. You have tried everything, so it really is time to start I totally different tack.

The thing is, even if your H had not torpedoed your marriage, it would have been a good thing to develop a more independent life alongside your marriage. Friends, interests etc. It strengthens your confidence and spirit, IME.

Start now. You are working, so build social networks there. Join anything that interests you a bit: a local Facebook Yarn Bombing group, any kind of volunteering, a class, a walking group, anything!

Look up old friends and e mail them or write to them.

As soon as poss book a trip to Aus without your H to visit your children.

Plan a holiday for next summer: something like the residential Skyros Centre holidays which feature different courses for solo travellers in Greece or the Isle of Wight, if you can afford it.

I live alone now for various reasons, and while sometimes I think ‘oh...it’s just me, no one to say hello to’ I treat the whole thing like a retreat and opportunity. My home, my space, my time.

I am going to have to make an effort to invite people round now we are allowed, but it will be worth it.

Living alone is FREEDOM.

And relieving yourself of the daily tongue biting and teeth gritting, managing your emotions in every interaction with your H will be such a relief.

The pressure and emotional load of all that actually drains your sense of self and undermines your confidence. You may well feel so much more confident and positive with him out if your life.

Thank you all for the advice. I think i lack hobbies etc because of full time job and living with DH. I can see i have to develop that side of my life. I have friends at work but not close enough to look after me if i am sick! But you can’t live with someone just for that.
I like reading the positive messages about living alone. Thank you.
All the books say it takes 2 years to get over an affair. I’m here to say that’s bull! All it means is that it feels easier to not confront him with it now. But inside I’m so unhappy.

Also, consider retirement carefully. If you lack hobbies and firm friendships at the moment you will find it hard mentally to go from being occupied 5 days a week to nothing. I defintely don't mean that you shouldn't retire! I just mean make sure you have put some work into building up activities and relationships outside of work before you do so. Lots of people look forward to retirement but then plummet mentally (and physically) when they realise they have nothing to do. I don't know what job you do, but perhaps look at a phased retirement e.g. gradually reducing your days of working over a period of time. As much as we all dream of not working, it may be tough to go from marriage to divorce and full time work to no work all within the space of a few years.

I'm not clear about what stage you are at - are you still living with him ? Are you getting a divorce ?

You say that you can't stand him so now is the time to move on . Get all your finances sorted out . Hopefully you will still have another 25 years or so of life - that's too long to suffer with a prick!

Your worries are natural - we have all been there . I used to carry extra ID in my bag or when I went out on my bike in case of an accident . When I travelled my brother and sons knew exactly where I would be at any time . This was mentally reassuring for me . I went through surgery on my own and a good friend took me to hospital and brought me home . I got a maid service for my downtime. What I am saying is that you adapt to these things . You can widen your circle of friends by going to some Meet Up events . I went to plays and holidays on my own and the cinema was a regular place being a film buff.One friend of mine in her 60s is now engaged to a man she met in a walking group. I also met good friends through a voluntary thing I do but I also met my new H by online dating . It is highly unlikely we would have met otherwise despite living in the same town.

Turn the page - there is always a new chapter !

This was my mum. She found lots of new friends. Joined groups. Made an effort with people. She wasn’t stuck mired in unhappiness which affected her entire life.

I worry for those couples who are stuck totally entwined with no hobbies or life outside each other, because they really will struggle in older age. And early 60s is not in any way old!

It’s tough to lose anyone through deceit and them being a total areshole and letting you down. But my god. The freedom you have now!

I think you will be much happier on your own lovely, you don’t want this to consume your life, your life outside of this will be a happier one. Join social groups to keep that side of your life active.
Good luck!

Just think that the time you’ve spent reading books and trying to get over his affair can be used doing nice things for yourself. Even a mooch around the shops and coffee and cake out could be nice, or you could join something. I find gyms and yoga classes good for meeting people. Do you have any friends you can see regularly? Do you like to go to the cinema, that’s a good activity for using up a few hours and taking your mind off things.

Thank you. I am a university librarian actually. So pretty full on job. I’m still living with DH.
I don’t know if i will actually divorce. But i think we can’t live together. I don’t want to be his partner anymore.
I can see i have to plan for this new life. I don’t have much time for extra activities while I’m working but I’m going to find some.
I hadn’t thought of going on holiday alone but it sounds exciting actually.
I need to get all this affair stuff out of my head so i can enjoy life again. I guess i was asking can i go forward happily alone and you have confirmed zi can (thank you!).

I haven't experienced the affair thing, but am on my own in a different way I guess - my parents died when I was younger, and my brother a couple of months ago - I'm 48. I don't really have much else family-wise - my next of kin is an elderly (horrible) uncle who doesn't want to have anything to do with me, so I have a similar quandry re who would look after me if I'm ill/incapacitated/who would I leave my money to etc.

It takes some getting used to, but it's fine. The likelihood of me being incapacitated is small, and I was blowing it out of all proportion. I've made new friends, and although they aren't close-close, they are close enough that I could ask for a quick shop, or run me to the surgery if I couldn't drive. After 10 years of being single I have a man in my life - only see him once a week and no plans to move in together, but it's nice.

The best things are that I can do anything I want. I've travelled abroad solo - first with companies like Exodus and Explore, who do great trips for people who travel on their own, and then as I got more confident I started to travel on my own too - first a couple of trips to the Lake District, (even did a couple of fell walks on my own!), trips to gardens, and the day I ate in a restaurant on my own I felt I'd really arrived. It's scary at first, but really makes you feel capable. It also made me feel that I didn't "need" a man in my life to feel complete - I'm that on my own. The new man likes that I'm independent (he is a 50/50 dad so can't be at my beck and call 7 days a week - and I like that too. He likes that I don't "need" him, but I "want" him - there's a difference.

Start small. A trip to Starbucks on your own, or a tourist attraction, and then branch out. Solo life is amazing, and your worries shouldn't stop you from making big decisions just in case something might happen.

Someone to look after you if you are old/ ill - well that only works for the first member of the relationship who goes downhill!
Usually the man, in a heterosexual relationship, as they are often the older. So who will look after me if DH goes first?
To be honest I wouldn't fancy DH looking after me. He doesn't cook, not sure he would wash/ toilet me.
Just make sure you will have adequate funds to pay a carer. That's what I intend to do.