On my own after affair

[Swannest]

Just want some advice about living alone.
I’m 62 and my marriage has ended. I have been trying to accept my DH after his affair with a co worker 2 years ago but i have just realised I can’t do it.
I’ve tried counselling, anti depressants, trial separation, cbt and couples counselling. I’ve read lots of ‘getting over infidelity’ books. I’ve tried treating it as a new relationship. I’ve tried being kind to my husband and not mentioning the affair.
But I still feel awful and I just can’t do it anymore.
But I’m very apprehensive about living alone.
My children are grown up and live in australia. My family are all dead except for one who lives in france. I don’t live near any friends. My life us very entwined with DH.
I still work but want to retire in next couple of years.
I have a different worry about living alone every day. Todays is that I will be seriously ill with no one to look after me.
Please tell me your happy stories about striking out on your own.

Long term, you think your children will be back, so you will have some support once you are more frail.

My advice is - divorce him! Get your fair share of the marital assets etc.

Going on holiday on your own is fantastic. Next year the Hay on Wye book festival will be in full swing again - lots of meetings and discussions and social events.

And look here: www.hfholidays.co.uk/special-interest/cultural-breaks/book-club

It may be that your area of book expertise is subject related, e.g science - there are single-orientated holidays out there to cover every interest. A bit of company, shared interests, a social set up, but space to do your own thing.

The National Trust is opening up - go on a couple of days out on your own.

Even though you have a full on job give a thought to activities you could do that would include social outlets. Plan where to live with that in mind.
When my mum retired she took up golf, bridge and walking! We NEVER saw her - she was so busy, and thrived. She made new friends that have now been in her life an awfully long time.

An unexpected note for me was the walking club. They take turns picking a walk - the woods, or town center ending at a quirky graveyard, Il Camino in Spain etc). It is a lot of fun, and very interesting!
What a heartbreaking moment for you but one which will give you a whole new lease on life I think!

I think you have an incredible life in front of you! If he can cheat on you after all that time would he care for you if you were sick?

I do understand it's scary. But you will have coping mechanisms in place like food and medicine just in case, the radio on for when you come home so the house isnt too quiet. When my friend was first living alone I made a point of taking her home so she didnt have an empty house.

You say you're worried about getting ill if you live alone, hopefully if you leave you'll be able to carve out a new life for yourself making new friends who will keep an eye out for you. A friend of a friend of mine is the same age as yourself, widowed with children living abroad and she became seriously ill a couple of years ago. Her friends of a similar age rallied around, took her to hospital appointments etc because she had made an effort to do things for them too.
Another point to consider is if you carry on with him, what if he is the one who needs looking after for ages? Do you want to do that knowing how much he disrespected you and resenting every moment spent caring for him?

You deserve a good life of your own.

I think this is the issue with lots of couples ...they become this little self contained unit and do not put enough effort in to developing separate interests and nurturing friends. Suddenly one partner dies or they divorce and suddenly they are left floundering and realise how little they have now parted.
I am sorry this has happened op and I think you did well to give the marriage another go, I could not have.
Luckily you sound financially independent so that is really good news.
I think you should find out where you stand financially with splitting up and dividing the assets, check your pension etc....see how you can house yourself and where you want to live.
You have had a lot of good advice and I imsgine the split will be the making of you.

I'd like to add something. I lived alone for 11 years and at times I used to think, no one even knows I got home safely! Then I got a cat and he waited for me every day. I also hid spare keys, paid for top insurances and had a good handyman. In the end, I had a small, pretty flat which was clean and warm. I was totally on top of everything. I had people round when I wanted and they left when I wanted. Frequently I spent long happy days there, warm and comfortable in an attractive environment where everything was how I liked it and where I left it. Living alone has a lot of upsides.

As people say, getting new hobbies will help with the social side, but once you are safe and all is sorted, having your own safe space is fabulous.

I think what you need to do is to sit down and make a list of all the things you've always wanted to do but maybe your husband didn't want to do them or the family got in the way... and then you can think of how you are going to enjoy your freedom by divorcing him then working your way through them.

Along the way you will make friends - in long term relationships people tend to turn inward towards their partner, but there are plenty of divorced and widowed people out there who are in the same boat and you'll meet them and become each other's network.

It sounds like you love learning so could you go back to university to do a further degree in something you find fascinating?

I think you need to pick where you live very very carefully because if you get it right there's a chance you could have a bunch of friends right on your doorstep.

@Swannest

Thank you. I am a university librarian actually. So pretty full on job. I’m still living with DH. I don’t know if i will actually divorce. But i think we can’t live together. I don’t want to be his partner anymore. I can see i have to plan for this new life. I don’t have much time for extra activities while I’m working but I’m going to find some. I hadn’t thought of going on holiday alone but it sounds exciting actually. I need to get all this affair stuff out of my head so i can enjoy life again. I guess i was asking can i go forward happily alone and you have confirmed zi can (thank you!).

Why on earth would you not divorce ? You will have your own money and your own place . I used to holiday alone but my friend does those group holidays . You can choose what you want to do . Look at it this way you can be a victim for the rest of your life and stay miserable or you can move on and lead a new one.

I dont understand why you wouldnt divorce either! If you won the lottery in 10 years time you’d have to give him some of it!