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Original poster

Does Living together after a break up work?

41 replies

Boboz · 17/05/2021 22:11

My husband and I have come to the end of our marriage. I am devastated but here we are! My husband wants us to continue living together as friends. Including the same bed for the time being (the sex went ages ago so not a big deal). I can see the financial benefits but is it fair to expect this of me? He is two years into a Parkinson’s diagnosis so this has played a big part in our downfall. His condition will deteriorate and I will prob end up as his carer if he doesn’t meet anyone else and moves out. I don’t plan on meeting anyone new….but what about my emotional and physical needs? So confused. Anyone else live with their husbands as just friends? Does it work? Need all the advice I can get x

OP posts:
Littlegoth · 17/05/2021 22:15

No.

I did it for 10 months and it was awful. We weren’t friends, but negative equity meant we were stuck there together. Him letting me know his new girlfriend was staying over (no she bloody wasn’t) was a tipping point.

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 17/05/2021 22:16

No. It doesnt.

Moonshine11 · 17/05/2021 22:16

Not from me personally but I seen a thread the other day of two people who lived together after separating, and it ended up quite messy.
And yes you would indeed become his carer.

Do you have children at home?

Do you both own the house? Or Is it rented?
Who would keep the house?

Financially can you afford it on your own?

lakesidelife · 17/05/2021 22:17

Well I'm not surprised that your soon to be ex likes the idea of a free permanent live in carer but I'm not seeing what is in this relationship for you?

I can't see this being good for your mental health on any level and would advise getting the pain of the break up over and done with.

Littlegoth · 17/05/2021 22:17

I’m sorry for your situation. You might not plan on meeting someone else but you just don’t know how the future will pan out. X

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 17/05/2021 22:26

If you carry on living together, sharing a bed, caring for him etc, then in what sense has your marriage ended? It sounds like you're already living together just as friends with you, I assume, doing all the domestic and caring labour. In what sense will you be seperating if you don't move out?

I've never lived with an ex, but I did watch my gran die from parkinsons and I saw what it did to my mother who had to care for her. Don't chose that life for yourself. Watching someone fall apart from parkinsons is horrific. Its bad enough when it's someone you love, but to sacrifice your own chances of freedom and happiness to be an unpaid nurse for your ex is just the worst possible idea. There is more for you in this world than that, even if you don't meet anyone new there is still so much more out there for you.

Yousexybugger · 17/05/2021 22:47

Sorry for the situation and your husband's illness.

I don't think living together after a relationship ends is a good set up long term. Certainly for no longer than it takes for one or both persons to move out. I appreciate this can take time.

You've made the decision for your own wellbeing to split, so why let the relationship rumble on in this limbo? I would say separate beds need to happen as a very minimum.

I think that it would be wise to set up separate beds whilst you make the necessary arrangements as quickly as possible. Then you or him move out and if needed, help your husband get some care arrangements in place. This would be best for making a fresh start. Without meaning to sound callous, also in case he experiences a rapid deterioration and you find yourself shouldering the care work and in an awkward position regarding him living alone, compared to how he is now.

Hopefully this won't happen but you are right to concentrate on your needs and happiness, whilst of course finalising things as amicably as possible.

Then, if you both wish, you can maintain an actual friendship, rather than an indefinite half-marriage.

Blueberry40 · 17/05/2021 23:12

I was in a similar situation but my XH had MS. Nobody else involved but we just couldn’t carry on in a relationship. We had to live together for 18 months after separating. I slept on the floor in another room (we didn’t have a spare bed) so we didn’t have to share a bed. It was one of the worst times in my life- the problem is that you can’t move on with your life or process the loss of your marriage until that physical distance has started. It feels like being in limbo and it’s so tough- if you have the option not to, I wouldn’t stay in the same house.

user1481840227 · 18/05/2021 02:08

It's a terrible idea. It delays grieving and healing from the relationship.
Even if you don't think you will meet someone new you just never know, and if you split properly and live apart then you will be in a completely different headspace say in 2 years now than you will be if you stay living with your husband.

You don't know what your great things your future could have in store for you if you end this relationship properly but there could be so much joy and happiness, even if that doesn't involve another man, you still could have a wonderful life on your own!

But if you stay then you're not going to have a chance to have a new life really and as you said you will more than likely end up as his carer and you find it incredibly difficult to leave that role!

RantyAnty · 18/05/2021 03:47

It's not fair to you at all. He's no longer your problem

The sooner you start the divorce and have separate places to live, the sooner you'll be able to heal and get on with your life.

Original poster
Boboz · 18/05/2021 04:59

@Moonshine11 We have a 13 year old daughter. I think she would actually be happier if her dad moved out. She struggles with his moods, as do I.

The financial side is probably my biggest worry. We rent and the house is in my name so I won’t end up homeless but I can’t afford all the bills on my wages alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boboz · 18/05/2021 05:13

Thank you everyone! Laying there next to him last night, knowing our marriage is over was the loneliest feeling. I know you are all right, but guess I needed to hear it.

A little part of me hopes if he stays there might be another chance. The financial side worries the hell out of me too, I know I can’t afford all the outgoings on my own. I’m not worried about my daughter, we have had amazing chats and I believe her relationship with her dad would be better if he left (he moans constantly and digs at her all the time).
What if he meets someone else….would it hurt more than if it would when we are already physically separated?

And yes, the Parkinson’s, that is hard enough in a loving marriage. ☹️

OP posts:
tortoiselover100 · 18/05/2021 05:22

Bloody hell op, he wants you as his safety net until he meets someone else!

Original poster
Boboz · 18/05/2021 05:37

@Blueberry40 sorry you went through this too. How are things with you now?

OP posts:
starrynight21 · 18/05/2021 06:00

No, don't do it. I did it for about 3 months and it was awful - we were neither married nor separated , nobody could move on.

You need to get sorted financially - look at it as though you haven't any choice, that you've got to do it. Make plans based on what you can both afford and stick to it - don't keep thinking " well maybe we could still share accommodation and just be friends". You'd end up stuck there forever and be his carer. Good luck.

Yousexybugger · 18/05/2021 07:51

Ah, I didn't realise you were hoping things might work out. His behaviour towards your DD is very good reason to leave. In this case, staying will be cruel to yourself, especially if he meets someone else while you have no space to process the separation.

Sounds like you'll both be moving out due to finances, so if the place is in your name, I would give the land lord, and exDP notice ASAP.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 18/05/2021 08:02

I did it for 4 months and i wouldn't recommend it.I did it as it was necessary at the time but god it was hard.

Bagelsandbrie · 18/05/2021 08:04

I did it with my ex for a bit but once we started to date other people it was hell.

Londono · 18/05/2021 13:53

Living with my ex before we sorted our living arrangements was the darkest time of my life. It is a no man's land. He had ill health as well and my solicitor advised that he might have more of a claim if he deteriorated as his employment might become precarious so with that in mind you might be better to resolve this financially soon. Have you looked at the entitled to website to see if you are eligible for any support?

Twitchynose · 18/05/2021 18:48

My ex decided we were just friends and that he wanted me to buy him out of the house. Thankfully no children. He didn’t see why anything should change, including sharing my bed. I ended up moving all his stuff into the spare room as he wouldn’t and pointed out that I was no longer doing his shopping, cooking and cleaning.
It took almost 7 months for him to move out. I felt like I was walking on eggshells the whole time, I couldn’t relax and be me. It really affected my mental health, I think had he moved out sooner I could have started my new life quicker, it felt like everything was on hold. Financially it was tough, but you can do it, Wishing you and your daughter a much happier future soon.

Dogfan · 18/05/2021 20:52

You need to do what is right for you. This seems to have a lot of benefits for your husband but not many for you. I think if you care for him and are sad the relationship has ended you can easily be dragged into something you don't want because you feel for him. I would really struggle to move on if my ex was still living with me. Only you know what you feel comfortable with but remember that you owe him nothing. You should worry about yourself and your DD.

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 18/05/2021 21:42

We tried. A year later we have a shit relationship, the friendship has gone and our kids have suffered. Im moving out soon thank god but i’d never doit again. It was all fine til he met someone else, then it became really unpleasant, on both sides.

loveyourself2020 · 18/05/2021 22:00

Oh dear, I also heard so many people living like this for months even years. I am in that position right now. A little different situation as I decided to end my marriage not my husband. He is going to move out, hopefully in Jul, but for now we are living under the same roof. We slept for a few days in the same bed and I moved now to sleeping on a mattress but in the same room and i is killing me. I can see that there is no way we can move on while we are here together and it is painful, very painful as we are not really communicating.

Original poster
Boboz · 18/05/2021 22:02

I have been beating myself up all night about what I should do. This evening I see a text message pop up on his Fitbit. From an ‘Anna’. “I am not girlfriend material but we can talk about it tomorrow”. The bastard is only up in our bed texting someone called Anna. Absolutely gutted!

OP posts:
loveyourself2020 · 18/05/2021 22:25

@Boboz

I have been beating myself up all night about what I should do. This evening I see a text message pop up on his Fitbit. From an ‘Anna’. “I am not girlfriend material but we can talk about it tomorrow”. The bastard is only up in our bed texting someone called Anna. Absolutely gutted!
OMG I cannot believe it!!! OP I am so sorry. See this is another example of how we really need to learn to put ourselves first and take care of our own needs. As women we tend to put everyone else before us. Take care OP and start planing separation. Hugs.
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