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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does Living together after a break up work?

41 replies

Boboz · 17/05/2021 22:11

My husband and I have come to the end of our marriage. I am devastated but here we are! My husband wants us to continue living together as friends. Including the same bed for the time being (the sex went ages ago so not a big deal). I can see the financial benefits but is it fair to expect this of me? He is two years into a Parkinson’s diagnosis so this has played a big part in our downfall. His condition will deteriorate and I will prob end up as his carer if he doesn’t meet anyone else and moves out. I don’t plan on meeting anyone new….but what about my emotional and physical needs? So confused. Anyone else live with their husbands as just friends? Does it work? Need all the advice I can get x

OP posts:

Sally2791 · 18/05/2021 22:29

As always, they only consider themselves. So he wants someone, anyone, to look after him.
Please don’t let it be you.

Original poster

Boboz · 18/05/2021 23:08

@loveyourself2020 I’m gutted. We only agreed to separate yesterday. Now I know why he was so keen. I could cry but numb disappointment has taken over.

OP posts:

lakesidelife · 18/05/2021 23:11

Try and get angry.
The only person looking out for yourself and your dc is going to be you.
You need to start putting you and your dc first.

loveyourself2020 · 18/05/2021 23:12

@Boboz
Unbelievable, what these men can do blows my mind. I mean he asked you to separate but to stay living with him, and at the same time he has another woman?! Dear OP I can only imagine how you must feel, but try to stay strong and from now on think ONLY about yourself and what is best for you. Set a goal for yourself and work towards it.

Original poster

Boboz · 18/05/2021 23:18

Thank you everyone 🙁 x

OP posts:

lakesidelife · 18/05/2021 23:22

It truly isn't your fault OP.
I'm sure your life will actually get a lot better when he isn't in it behaving like this.

Stirmecrazy · 18/05/2021 23:29

He has done you a favour . Now you don’t need to waste one more second on him. It’s time to put you first . Use this time to get yourself organised , while he is busy chasing your replacement you can be working on setting yourself up without him

user1481840227 · 20/05/2021 15:43

If it's any consolation OP, lots of men do stuff like that the second they are broken up, even the heartbroken ones, then afterwards when the woman has kind of come to terms with it accepted it, the break up hits the man 10 times as hard and they are in bits or can't get over it!!!

Original poster

Boboz · 21/05/2021 07:30

Thank you @user1481840227

I think my husband has already done his grieving and in his head already moved on.

OP posts:

Lozzerbmc · 21/05/2021 07:55

How awful but shows you must put yourself first.

Can you afford to stay in house with his maintenance? Hope you are ok a nasty shock.

Original poster

Boboz · 21/05/2021 18:31

@Lozzerbmc I should just be able to scrape by. It’s not going to be easy. But I can’t bear the man I love turning into a stranger in front of my eyes. So I will have to go for it.

OP posts:

wobblywinelover · 21/05/2021 19:10

This is awful OP. God your husband is a fast mover isn't he! Poor Anna she doesn't know what she's letting herself in for. I would hate to be Anna and i'd also hate to be him. He's not really allowing himself much time to get his head together and get himself in the right place for a relationship is he. So many men are like this. I know it hurts but it's given you answers to your original post question. Any loyalties to him that you feel need to be gone, regardless of his health condition. I think you need to get financial advice and maybe see a solicitor regarding your situation and any help you might be entitled to.

You may have to live together temporarily but in separate rooms. There is no way I would be sleeping in the same bed as him. He's probably texting Anna to hurt you anyway, she will mean nothing at this stage.

I can testify that living together post break up is very difficult. I did it for about 6 months even though it was an 'amicable' break up. my stomach used to churn when his key turned in the lock and he arrived home. I fantasised about living in the garage on my own so I could never see his face. Then he started meeting women off the internet (which I was initially supportive of, he had a right to move on) but watching him getting ready for dates and splashing himself with aftershave just felt like a major shade of weird and sad. I wasn't jealous in the slightest but it was all so horrible. The day he moved out I felt like a weight had lifted from my shoulders. I really hope you come to some sort of solution. Could you stay with relatives for a bit until you sort out what is going to happen, or could he? Keep posting we're here to help

Original poster

Boboz · 22/05/2021 07:10

@wobblywinelover thank you! I feel that way too. After I get home from work I have to prepare myself before I walk into the house. The anxiety I feel in my stomach is awful!

I told him last night, for the sake of maintaining any kind of friendship, he needs to move out. We had a bit of a heart to heart and he is going to look at a flat. I will help him out initially with the deposit then when he is settled He will help me out financially. He will continue running our daughter around and paying for her expensive horse riding.
He spoke about his Parkinson’s and how he is worried how it will progress. I think a part of him doesn’t want to drag me down with him. I worry about how he will cope.

He won’t have a garden and wants to come back and sit in our garden when it’s nice and have the odd meals with us. And continue to use the garage where he can keep his bike. I’m ok with this.

I could not bring myself to mention Anna. I have no idea if that is a real thing or not or just someone take his mind off things and make him feel normal for a while. A horrible part of me can see them meeting up in his flat and this really eats at me. But for everyone s sake I need to swallow this insecurity.
I wish it was different but here we are 🙁

OP posts:

Newestname001 · 23/05/2021 03:09

@Boboz

I will help him out initially with the deposit then when he is settled He will help me out financially.

How much do you trust him to reciprocate on these finances, OP? Will you be putting some legal documentation around this to ensure this does happen? 🌹

Original poster

Boboz · 23/05/2021 07:40

@Newestname001 I do trust he will honour an agreement regarding supporting our daughter. however I will create a written contract between us. He is not the man I spent 15 years with, I never doubted him before but now sadly I don’t trust what he says.

OP posts:

Newestname001 · 23/05/2021 08:45

Glad to hear this @Boboz. People change so much, and not always in a positive way, once separation/divorce and money are concerned. 🌹

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