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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overreacting?

40 replies

possiblytoosuperficial · 17/05/2021 14:50

It's come to light over the past few years (i.e. not during one heat of the moment comment) that my husband doesn't consider me particularly attractive, and never actually has. Recently it came up again, and I asked him if he considers any aspects of my face ugly; he indicated that he does, but he won't tell me what, exactly. I asked him if he thinks I have nice eyes (my best feature, I think). He said no. Nice smile? Again, no. I asked him if there's any aspect of my face that he likes, and he thought for a long time, and then said "I like your cheeks when you smile". I told him that being so specific actually kind of feels worse, like he really has to dig deep to think of something he likes to the point that it's not actually a compliment, and his response was basically a there's-no-pleasing-you sort.

I'm quite upset that he essentially considers me facially unattractive. He clearly thinks I'm overreacting, and has said that he loves me and that should be enough. I honestly don't know what to think. Would this upset you? I actually (used to) think I'm fairly nice looking (questioning that now), and I know it's all kind of superficial, but ultimately I want my partner to think the same. My belief is that most people feel similarly. He thinks otherwise, and has hinted that placing importance on his opinion of my appearance is wrong and a bit weird of me.

There's no way I'm discussing this with people I know, but I'm pretty confused and sad about it all. I've signed up especially to post, though I've read threads on Mumsnet on and off for years. Do I just need to get over it/myself?

OP posts:
blacksax · 17/05/2021 14:52

I'm not sure why you asked him in the first place?

KirstenBlest · 17/05/2021 15:07

I asked him if he considers any aspects of my face ugly
Why on earth did you ask him that?

Original poster
possiblytoosuperficial · 17/05/2021 15:07

@blacksax the 'ugly' question? To be honest, I was expecting his answer to be no. My libido has been affected by his perception of me (again, possibly weird of me? Would other people feel this way?) and he'd been complaining about the infrequency of sex, so I was trying to scrounge a compliment. Same reason for the eyes and smile questions - I didn't ask 'pretty' because I knew he'd say no, but I thought 'nice' was bland enough to be a possibility. In retrospect it was a bad idea, and I realise it all sounds a bit pathetic.

OP posts:
Original poster
possiblytoosuperficial · 17/05/2021 15:08

@KirstenBlest see above. I have to go out now but I will have a look later. I appreciate the responses.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/05/2021 15:24

Why are you with this man? He seems really cruel.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 17/05/2021 15:32

Why not ask? Honestly people are so weird on MN sometimes. The OP said I come to light over the years, so there have obviously been comments from him to make her feel as though he finds her unattractive, why would she ask? It's like you're not supposed to ask a question if you might get an answer you don't like, but I'm sure OP wasn't actually expecting that joke of an answer from the very person that's supposed to be attracted to her.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 17/05/2021 15:35

Its not pathetic at all OP! Of course you want your partner to find you attractive. If I felt as though my partner wasn't attracted to me there's no way I would feel like having sex with him!
Ignore the "Why Why you ask then" comments. It's so weird people think like that.

Mytym · 17/05/2021 15:43

He's a twat and I'd be upset too

rosabug · 17/05/2021 15:43

I don't think there is any problem in asking. It's a sort of couples game that we play. Most people know the rules. You find a way to be honest, yet make the other person feel good if you know the answer is perhaps fully not what the other person wants to hear.

So why is this guy refusing to play by the rules? Is he really that dim?Does he not understand the impact of his undecorated response or does he know all too well?

I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't articulate what it was they loved about me or made me feel crap about myself. And I would find it hard to be with someone long term who lacked the empathy to be kind when someone else's confidence is in danger of being diminished.

He could of course just be a thoughtless selfish dickhead.

ravenmum · 17/05/2021 15:44

Is he scrupulously honest to the point of rudeness in other respects, too?

Has he actually said he doesn't find you attractive? He says he loves you, and he wants to have sex with you, which sounds to me like he's attracted to you.

No-one would describe my bf as handsome, and he'd hate it if I said he was, as he would see it as all fake and superficial. But I do find him attractive. (I could certainly tell him how, if he did want to know the details, though.)

Have you posted about this before?

BackforGood · 17/05/2021 15:47

and has hinted that placing importance on his opinion of my appearance is wrong and a bit weird of me.

He's not wrong.

Why on earth would you put him on the spot and ask him this directly ? Confused
He obviously finds you - as a person, or as a whole package attractive or he wouldn't have been attracted to you in the first place, nor sustained that relationship as he grew to know you.
Why would you start trying to analyse individual bits of you ?

So, I don't know about overreacting, but I think it is really bizarre to ask someone something so bluntly if the answer is going to upset you.

Redskittlesrno1 · 17/05/2021 15:52

That's just horrible. I think people we love are usually attractive to us because they are familiar and them anyway. But also I think people usually end up with someone very similar in attractiveness if that makes sense? It's rare in my view to look at people and think they don't look right together. They usually do! But to the point.

You are his partner and his job is to adore you! Which means he loves you and that means he will say nice things about you. Even if he's not soppy. He can still say ofcourse I like your face you plonker (or whatever unaffectionate word he can think of.

Countrycode · 17/05/2021 15:57

How Mean! So incredibly mean of him. Of course you're not being unreasonable to be upset by that comment.

crossstitchingnana · 17/05/2021 16:01

You are not overreacting, he is being very cruel.

Polkadots2021 · 17/05/2021 18:56

Some people on here are so weird. The 'don't ask if you won't like the answer' comments bypass the issue altogether which is...he is your DH and he is meant to build you up & make you feel loved. That includes 'you are always beautiful to me' (or whatever). Would it kill a person to say that? No. Is intentionally inferring that you are facially ugly a ride, disrespectful & unloving thing to do? Yes! You have every right to be upset.

rwalker · 17/05/2021 19:00

I can't explain but I would just feel really awkward being asked question like that .

Onthedunes · 17/05/2021 19:11

He sounds conceited, is he punishing you for lack of sex.

No matter, it's cruel and vindictive, and once said never forgotten.
He would have blown it, if it were me.

Shoxfordian · 17/05/2021 19:17

He sounds like a knob
Ltb

YarnOver · 17/05/2021 19:27

Well that's bloody horrible of him

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 17/05/2021 19:28

He sounds horrid. It doesn’t sound like this question came out of the blue - it was part of a discussion/consideration around why you don’t feel like having more sex with him? And his answer was clearly not going to make you want more sex with him. Why do you think he didn’t do that?

I couldn’t be with someone who made me feel so unattractive. My DP and I are both very complimentary about each other’s appearance, and even if he asks jokingly if I find his weird little toe attractive I will pretend I do and then he tells me to kiss it Grin

None of us is perfect but our other half is the one person who should make us feel that we’re attractive and loveable. Flowers

Spied · 17/05/2021 19:33

Sounds to me like he's making you feel bad about yourself because he knows that actually you could do a lot better than him.
He'd prefer to keep you feeling unattractive so you are less likely to go looking once you realise he's a complete shit.

Colourmeclear · 17/05/2021 19:57

My ex was like this. There's lots of reasons why he might have said what he said but all of them seem pretty selfish. Is he a giving and trustworthy person to you in other respects?

CandyLeBonBon · 17/05/2021 20:00

Op I'd be crushed if my oh said or intimated tjat he didn't find me attractive.

I mean it's one of the must basic things to a relationship isnt? Finding one another attractive? What's the point otherwise?

Imjustsootired · 17/05/2021 20:04

How fucking horrible.

My heart actually hurt for you reading "trying to scrounge a compliment". A) you shouldn't have to scrounge for anything and B) your husband should make you feel beautiful, no matter what.

His answer to your question should have been a simple 'no sweetheart, you're gorgeous'.

He is mean. Sorry for you, that must hurt a lot. Xxx

me4real · 17/05/2021 20:05

I actually (used to) think I'm fairly nice looking (questioning that now), and I know it's all kind of superficial, but ultimately I want my partner to think the same. My belief is that most people feel similarly. He thinks otherwise, and has hinted that placing importance on his opinion of my appearance is wrong and a bit weird of me.

OMFG OMFG. This isn't ok OP. It's a type of abuse-- emotional/psychological. He's underminig your confidence and making you feel like he doesn't appreciate you in a crucial respect for a relationship.

You know on one level what he's saying is bollox- you know you're not hideous and you know this isn't ok, that's why you made a thread.

What are other things like in the marriage? Is he manipulative or anything? Or is there anything else he does that you're not happy about? Does he make you feel less-than in other ways?

I feel angry on your behalf.