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Original poster

Did you love him first and did he eventually love you back?

49 replies

prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 12:34

We are in 30s and met in January. We’ve spent most weekends together, talk in the week. I’d say contact initiation is equal really, he has definitely instigated calls and will be in touch daily if I haven’t text him first.

While I have had a few relationships that have got off the ground, he has had one that ended in his twenties and a string of dates here and there but nothing serious. He can be quite serious and said from the start that he wants to ‘take things steady.’ This has meant we only had sex a week ago, so almost five months in.

The thing is, I bloody love him. I think I felt this after 3 dates Blush and I’m not someone who just meets someone and that’s that...I dated a long time before meeting him. He has said nice things to me and the other week we had a big chat and he said I was the best thing to happen to him in a long time.

But he’s not desperate to spend every day with me... I would spend more time with him if I could Blush I’ve obviously not said this as want to keep things nice between us and not appear full on. He’s also not talked about a serious future of moving in etc. Again, it’s probably way too early but for me...I would consider that Blush

I’m just wondering if anyone else had this situation? It’s unusual for me, in the past it has been men being very full on with me and I had similar feelings which eventually developed to more. But with this man, I just love him. I knew it after a few weeks. Presuming he doesn’t feel the same now, could he in future? Do some men take longer to get to that stage?

OP posts:
Original poster
prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 13:16

Hopeful bump Smile

OP posts:
Robin233 · 17/05/2021 13:52

We met and both knew after about 3 weeks.
Both been married before so took things steady.
Maybe time to have a gentle chat with him. See if he's open to spending more time together and take it from there.
For me at 29 if my feelings had not been reciprocated I would have been withdrawing. But lucky we both felt the same way and been married 23 years now.

BippityBobbityBoo · 17/05/2021 13:54

I had this. I was head over heels after one date. I told him I loved when I was pissed after a couple of months in and got a tumbleweed response.

We’ve been married 20 years this year, he completely adores me but is just not openly romantic. Hang on in there and good luck!

Original poster
prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 14:03

@BippityBobbityBoo your post is heartening! What did you do after tumbleweed moment? I don’t think I would tell him I loved him as I would be too scared he wouldn’t say it back! As much as I am head over heels, I think (hope) I’ve mostly kept that to myself... so far.

@Robin233 I was worried someone might say this! People often say if an man isn’t completely obsessed with you then it won’t go anywhere...

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Original poster
prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 14:06

@BippityBobbityBoo he is not at all the big declaration type... no social media posts and very formal most of the time (in a way that I am totally and utterly in love with Blush Blush )

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BippityBobbityBoo · 17/05/2021 14:24

Yeah I don’t think I can recommend the early love declaration route, I think I just styled it out😳

My DH is very shy and quite standoffish, it’s just how he is but he had also been cheated on so was not very trusting. Could something like this be at play?

Nietzschethehiker · 17/05/2021 14:29

From the other side DP told me he loved me very early on and looking back I absolutely loved him too but I had a variety of issues so didn't recognise it.

5 years on I definitely did love him more than I have loved any other man but it took me a lot longer to say it. Just because it isn't said doesn't mean it's not true.

Original poster
prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 14:32

@BippityBobbityBoo thanks for replying. Yeah this man can come across quite standoffish too. He’s so so lovely though, when you get to know him. I don’t think he’s been cheated on but he’s definitely not been a ‘player’ or been in lots of relationships. He’s very hard working and likes the simple things in life, there’s no drama from him in any respect. He did lose a parent when he was quite young and he often mentions this in passing. Whatever the reasons I don’t mind him being reserved and us being slow and steady. I just hope he ends up feeling the way I do. I love him in a way that scares me, as soppy as that sounds.

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RedStiletto · 17/05/2021 14:34

How old are you op? I think it’s good to always have a chat about the future - in a relaxed way. I used to find out in the first few dates , timescale for wanting kids etc . I think at your stage it’s reasonable to just see if you’re on the same page. I think I used to tease my dh ‘you love me you love me’ just to get him thinking . One day he said ‘ yes I do’.

Original poster
prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 14:36

@Nietzschethehiker thanks for posting from that perspective! One thing I find hard is that unlike other relationships, he doesn’t scramble for every opportunity to be with me. He’s very measured and reasonable so for instance if he’s had a long day he will just suggest meeting another time, maybe the day after etc. But nobody I have ever been with has been like that and often you hear on mumbset that if a man isn’t doing absolutely everything to be in your presence immediately in the ‘honeymoon phase’ then he’s either seeing someone else or not into you 😂

This man is very caring to me though, he checks my car tyres, makes sure i am home ok, he is thoughtful about things that really matter. He just isn’t falling over himself to drive over at 9pm for a cuddle !

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Original poster
prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 14:38

@RedStilettot that’s made me laugh! I don’t think I would dare say this to him...I would worry he would panic 😂 we are both early 30s. Well he’s 35.

Oh gawd I love him Blush

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Mazblue86 · 17/05/2021 14:41

If you're keen to get moving in your relationship, I wouldn't wait too long before you start asking 'where is this going?' He either knows or he doesn't.

I met my husband in July 20 and we got married March 21. We started discussing what we both wanted immediately!

Original poster
prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 14:45

@Mazblue86

If you're keen to get moving in your relationship, I wouldn't wait too long before you start asking 'where is this going?' He either knows or he doesn't.

I met my husband in July 20 and we got married March 21. We started discussing what we both wanted immediately!

@Mazblue86 this is the exact sort of post that makes me panic!

There’s always part of me that thinks...well maybe he’s not actually that into me!

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Mazblue86 · 17/05/2021 14:51

I was with a guy for two years ish before and he was nice to me and stuff. But he only wanted to see me twice a week. When I said 'where is this going' I told him he couldn't talk to me until he'd decided. It took five weeks for him to tell me he still wasn't sure, so I dumped him. I just think he liked having a girlfriend. And he did really like me; he just didn't want to get on with it. He might have done eventually, but I was mid thirties and wanted to reproduce, so I couldn't hang on for a 'possibly.'

I just think women shouldn't have to sort of wait around playing a peculiar game like men are big babies. It could just be an adult conversation. You could just ask him what he is thinking about the future, then say what you think. If you're in different places then you can decide if you can handle that.

BippityBobbityBoo · 17/05/2021 14:53

He does sound similar to my DH. He’s not very romantic but is very caring. He bought me some grapes from the shop yesterday because I have an eye infection and he had googled what food helps.

I know what you mean about scary feelings, I was quite obsessed and would have done absolutely ANYTHING to keep him. I doubt it was healthy and I would sit and cry to Gabrielles out of reach song. I was so desperate for him to love me with the same ferocity.

I will say that five months is quite a wait to dtd, what was that about?

Original poster
prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 14:58

@Mazblue86 yeah I hear what you are saying. I don’t get the sense that he’s indifferent to it progressing but it’s just a sense, we do need a conversation probably. I think 5 months might be too soon though?

@BippityBobbityBoo that’s something this man would do. Out of the blue he’s suddenly thoughtful but he wouldn’t do the cliche things like running a bath with wine prepared...he’s not great with thinking about booking a romantic hotel and he isn’t into fancy wining and dining. He’s affectionate in texts if I have said something to him, but he’s awkward about it too.

The sex thing...he said he wanted to take it slow. I wouldn’t have done it for a couple of months at least anyway, so that meant we were at month three. Then we just sort of slowly progressed it. We only see each other at weekends though so i guess things are slower anyway.

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LoudestCat14 · 17/05/2021 14:59

@BippityBobbityBoo

I had this. I was head over heels after one date. I told him I loved when I was pissed after a couple of months in and got a tumbleweed response.

We’ve been married 20 years this year, he completely adores me but is just not openly romantic. Hang on in there and good luck!

Ha, this was me too! Blurted it out drunk, styled it out, then he said it a couple of months later. We've been together 16 years now.
Original poster
prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 14:59

Also @BippityBobbityBoo I’m embarrassed about the things I would do to stay with this man! Blush I kept them firmly to myself as I know it’s totally unhealthy and I need to take a step back 😂 I don’t think he knows though, at least he doesn’t know the depth of my feelings.

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Mazblue86 · 17/05/2021 15:01

@prettymuchrita I think you should decide what is right in terms of 'too soon.' If you're thinking about what he thinks all the time, it probably isn't too soon for a conversation! But only our know that! I hope it works out!

Lampan · 17/05/2021 15:22

There have been a few threads like this lately. I would say it sounds to me as though you are both enjoying things but in very different pages. He’s enjoying seeing you and your company etc but it sounds like you are a part of his life but maybe not a priority. You, on the other hand, presumably would prioritise him above most (all?) other things. If you are happy trundling along like this then just enjoy it, but if you have definite goals in mind (marriage, kids etc) then you really mustn’t waste time assuming he will come around to feel how you do, if this is the case you need to talk to him and see where he hopes things will go, then decide if you are on board or not.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 15:30

Also @BippityBobbityBoo I’m embarrassed about the things I would do to stay with this man!

--

This is a bit worrying OP as you should never feel so invested in someone that you're desperate for their approval / to hang on to them at any cost, or at too high a cost anyway.

Be mindful of your own boundaries and what you actually want long term, don't fall into the trap of playing along with what he wants in order for him to think you're on the same page.

Because if you aren't, you'll either end up having to pretend to be someone else forever, trying to pretend forever but your mask slipping OR splitting up anyway!

Original poster
prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 15:32

@youvegottenminuteslynn thanks, I do try and remember that most of the time! I admit I am completely in love with him though. It’s on another level to anything I’ve felt before. I try my best to take it slow though.

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BagORats · 17/05/2021 15:40

I think you should broach the subject sooner rather than later. I know you said it scares you that your relationship isn't normal when you read about people getting married after just a few months together but honestly that's weird to me.

No need to make it a big deal, just ask him where he sees it going. He sounds lovely but you are too. Don't forget to value yourself.

FizzyPink · 17/05/2021 15:44

This sounds a little bit like my DP but we DTD on the first date Blush
He almost pushed me away a bit at the beginning because he felt like I was too good for him which is obviously absolute rubbish. I work in the corporate world in London whereas he works in sport which he’s quite self-conscious about even though he has a very successful business.

Previously he’d dated girls who were a bit ditsy, still lived at home and didn’t have careers. Then he met independent me who had lived alone for years and had a high flying career earning more money than him and I think all of that intimidated him a bit.

He was quite wary for a while as I totally wasn’t what he was used to and he said he thought we just weren’t compatible due to our backgrounds. However, he did show his affection in other ways. I remember consulting some guy friends about whether he liked me or not and they were like “err he’s given you a key to his flat, bought you things like slippers to keep there, of course he likes you” 😂

It did take time and he was keen to take things like moving in together slowly but then we said I love you around the 6 month mark and he seemed to relax and open up a lot more after that. Now he’s totally the soppy one in our relationship!

Original poster
prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 16:02

It’s more small things like he will never say he’s really excited to see me or turn up spontaneously etc. He’s just very calm and methodical. I love him for that but it does make me second guess myself!

We have such a great time together though and I have never ever felt like this before Blush just hope he feels similar!

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