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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did you love him first and did he eventually love you back?

49 replies

prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 12:34

We are in 30s and met in January. We’ve spent most weekends together, talk in the week. I’d say contact initiation is equal really, he has definitely instigated calls and will be in touch daily if I haven’t text him first.

While I have had a few relationships that have got off the ground, he has had one that ended in his twenties and a string of dates here and there but nothing serious. He can be quite serious and said from the start that he wants to ‘take things steady.’ This has meant we only had sex a week ago, so almost five months in.

The thing is, I bloody love him. I think I felt this after 3 dates and I’m not someone who just meets someone and that’s that...I dated a long time before meeting him. He has said nice things to me and the other week we had a big chat and he said I was the best thing to happen to him in a long time.

But he’s not desperate to spend every day with me... I would spend more time with him if I could I’ve obviously not said this as want to keep things nice between us and not appear full on. He’s also not talked about a serious future of moving in etc. Again, it’s probably way too early but for me...I would consider that

I’m just wondering if anyone else had this situation? It’s unusual for me, in the past it has been men being very full on with me and I had similar feelings which eventually developed to more. But with this man, I just love him. I knew it after a few weeks. Presuming he doesn’t feel the same now, could he in future? Do some men take longer to get to that stage?

OP posts:

wanadu2022 · 17/05/2021 16:15

I don't think there's anything wrong in taking time to say, 'I love you'. Have you had the conversation that you are bf/gf - in a relationship though? Are you exclusive?

But if he is happy seeing you only 1-2 times a week and you would prefer more, I worry that you are incompatible with what you consider a relationship. Some people are happy with a just a weekend/occasional partner, and will maintain this for years - because they compartmentalise, rather than integrate the partner into their everyday life.

I think you will need to figure that out - does he want to progress the relationship to seeing each other more, or will he be happy with just a weekend together. This is important because it will show you whether he prioritises time with you, or will be one of those men who even when you live together, has plans every weekend to do hobbies/activities of his own, without you. Suggest meeting up during the week, would he be open to that? How much would he be able to compromise on increasing time together gradually?

Figure these things out before you decide he's the one for you. Some men can be lovely, the chemistry is brilliant but they make very bad life partners because they're set in their ways, and can't coexist easily in a relationship.

I personally get wary if any man tells me he wants to take it nice and slow and not have it be full on. It seems like they're preparing you to settle for a relationship without much emotional investment or expectations, or commitment. Atm he's certainly getting all his needs of a relationship met. Are you?

Holding off sex for 5 months is a bit odd - how can he expect commitment from anyone if the physical connection hasn't been tested? He could have ED, weird fetishes, or just be terrible at sex - so could you - it's strange he wouldn't want to find that out early on. Are you sure he wasn't casually seeing other women at the same time?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 16:21

Wait have you had a conversation about being exclusive OP?

allycat4 · 17/05/2021 16:23

I'm sorry OP, but this sounds like a case of He's just not that into you. As soon as you have to start analysing, that's the diagnosis. Free yourself up to find someone who loves you as you deserve!

Original poster

prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 16:43

@wanadu2022 thanks for replying to my post.

We meet in the week from time to time yes. It’s usually my suggestion but he’s up for it and always says he loves staying together.

With the sex, I am quite funny about sex too soon so I didn’t push it either. We only saw each other weekly at the start so I guess it was slower for that reason too.

The compartmentalising is interesting...I definitely think he does that! Haha. But when we are together or speaking on the phone or texting he is 100% focused and attentive.

OP posts:

Original poster

prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 16:43

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes had that chat ages ago, have been exclusive from month 2.

OP posts:

Original poster

prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 16:43

@allycat4 I love him I just can’t seem to help it!

OP posts:

RedStiletto · 17/05/2021 16:58

May be he doesn’t make much effort as you’ve laid it all on a plate. Does he arrange dates , ask when you’re free or are you doing a lot of the running? If you are I suggest just pulling back a bit. It’s not game playing , it will allow him to miss you, make his feelings more apparent and perhaps he will start asking you to see him more. Are you always free to meet him or are you ever busy?

premium77 · 17/05/2021 17:00

OP you need to tone down on the ‘’ emoji , it’s very cringe

premium77 · 17/05/2021 17:01

But as far as the sex thing.. are you sure he’s not gay or asexual? Quite strange for a man to take 5 months

Original poster

prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 17:06

@RedStiletto hmm yeah I am busy, I work 9am-9pm most days and have social things alongside that when I can fit it in! I’m just quite organised and efficient with planning (as I have to be!) so will often raise the next meet up with him so I can fit it into my week. I can see that that probably gives him the impression I’m waiting around and doing all the running. To be fair even when I’ve suggested something he always follows up to confirm and will suggest going to a particular restaurant or park etc and is happy to book things. It’s not just me doing it all.

I reckon I could pull back a bit though and let him take the reins more.

OP posts:

Original poster

prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 17:08

@premium77 errrr thanks!

Don’t think he’s gay, no. He’s very much all over me when we see each other but he’s definitely less into sex than anyone else I’ve been with. You’ve made me think now...!!! Though to be fair even when we cuddle he’s usually got a hard on (sorry couldn’t resist)

OP posts:

RedStiletto · 17/05/2021 17:08

Yeah , I think try that. Just let him miss you and want to reach out now and again to grab your time

Sakurami · 17/05/2021 17:22

Calm down op. It strikes me that you're so in love with him because he's standoffish compared to the other men.

When it is reciprocated it feels really nice but not as all consuming as when it isn't. I wonder if you would be as interested if he was super keen?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 17:54

You sound much more invested than him OP and I don't mean that in a nasty way, just be conscious that you are still in very early stages and you need to try to calm down a bit so you don't let yourself get too OTT in case it doesn't work out and you're then crushed.

I’m embarrassed about the things I would do to stay with this man!

This comment is really worrying as I said, that's not a healthy approach to relationships and I wonder if you have a history of volatile / dramatic ones, so don't realise how unusual or concerning a thing that is to say or feel?

Original poster

prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 17:54

@Sakurami good point! Maybe not as much? I suppose it makes it more exciting and feels like the very beginning a lot of the time? I’m not sure. That said the more I get to know him the more feelings I have for him. I guess it won’t hurt to back off a little and try and keep my feelings at bay a bit.

OP posts:

Original poster

prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 17:57

@youvegottenminuteslynn it was said a little tongue in cheek! I’m aware that would not be a healthy way to be in a relationship.

I’ve had a lovely relationship in the past and also a volitile one. If I am totally honest with myself, I wonder if the calm way this man behaves (ie no driving over in the middle of the night after an argument or flowers and big random declarations of love that eventually become meaningless), makes me think it’s him not as bothered as me, when in reality he’s just being normal and genuine. I’ve definitely fallen into the trap of the love bombers before. This man has bought me flowers and is very thoughtful but it’s not in an over the top way at all.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 18:01

Hmm while it may have been tongue in cheek, it does sound like if he moved the goalposts and you weren't really happy with the change, you'd go along with it in the hope of staying together - rather than feeling calm in having a discussion about what you really want. If that makes sense? When you speak about someone the way you speak about him and they either aren't on the same page yet or simply aren't wired to mirror that level of enthusiasm and demonstrative affection, it often means you're just incompatible.

You sound intense and emotional (I'm not saying that in a negative way - I can be too!) and I just think it's worth you considering whether being with someone who is quite stand offish (I think it was you who said that), formal and traditional is going to be suitable for you long term or if you'll always wish he was more relaxed about showing how he feels about you.

Love languages and all that. Just don't be so focused on keeping him that you lose yourself a bit.

Original poster

prettymuchrita · 17/05/2021 18:33

@youvegottenminuteslynn yeah see what you mean! I can’t seem to help how I feel about him but it would be a good idea to try and keep my wits about me a bit and not carry on spiralling and feeling more for him.

I do think I could walk away if he absolutely wasn’t giving me what I wanted. But you’re right that he has more leeway than anyone else, because of how I feel for him.

OP posts:

Sakurami · 17/05/2021 18:56

OP I hear you. I remember a guy I dated who I didn't particularly fancy, the minute he said he wasn't sure, I became obsessed! I know full well that if he had been really keen, it wouldn't have lasted a 3rd date. We weren't a good match.

But it was fun and I wasn't really ready to date.

Massive contrast to now. A lot slower and less intense to begin with, but a year on it is super intense in a good way and mutually loving and safe.

robbooftheford · 17/05/2021 18:57

I would run a mile from this I was him, sounds very crazy

SunshineCake · 17/05/2021 19:10

I loved dh after two months but thought it could have been rebound, also known as needing to stop loving my ex. I knew dh loved me before he told me which was at five months. I also knew I loved him before we had sex. It did work out. Been together 25 years and married for nearly 22.

JaninaDuszejko · 17/05/2021 19:44

I would worry he had a very low sex drive, there's no way I'd wait 5 months to have sex. But ignoring that, I think since you are coming up to 6 months it's reasonable to have a state of the nation discussion about what you both want from a relationship. Do you want to see him more? Move in at some point in the future? Get married? Have children? This isn't about what you want to do right now but to set milestones saying in X amount of time I want to be doing Y and if you don't then we should call it a day on this relationship because although we like each other we want different things.

RealisticSketch · 17/05/2021 19:55

Dh and I were the same. He is just one of those people who doesn't rush in but once in deep is massively loyal and committed, my favourite kind. I got round the unequal feelings (while I waited for him to catch up) by saying I was 'falling in love with him'. That way it's less pressured for him to return it than saying 'i love you'.
We've been together 18 years now but I think it was a year before he said he loved me and aaaaages before he was ready to commit to moving in. Far better than one who rushed in headlong and then backtracks though.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 20:01

We've been together 18 years now but I think it was a year before he said he loved me and aaaaages before he was ready to commit to moving in. Far better than one who rushed in headlong and then backtracks though.

That is genuinely lovely it worked out for you but don't forget there is a middle ground! There are plenty of men who neither lovebomb then backtrack or take absolutely ages to commit, and someone like OP who likes reassurance and words of affirmation (based on what she's said so far) might need to find someone who occupies that middle ground to avoid being either codependent or taking a bashing to their self esteem.

As I say I'm genuinely glad it worked out in your case

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