DH ramblings - weird or am I overreacting?

[exasperated71]

Quick scene set - married 25 years with DC who are late teens (1 at home 1 at uni). There are some other issues in are marriage I have let go on for too long but I told him what they are and (we are not there yet by a long shot) but he is working on them. But there are some behavioural things I feel I need to approach through assertiveness, but also don't want to feel I am overreacting when he is trying so hard in other areas. I know that many of us spend lots of our time basically talking s**t and also that each family have their own little weird sayings, made up words etc, but I think my DH takes this to a level I find weird and suffocating. This has crept up over the years, I can't put my finger on when it started. It is mainly me but also the DC he will say these things to (obviously some are only said to me as you will see). Some examples " is your name sally potatoes?" (my name is not Sally...), What colour are you? (????) Why don't you let me cum in your mouth anymore? (for context - this is not a question he actually wants to discuss, our sex life is one of the better aspects of our relationship). These types of things are said multiple times a day. He knows he is doing it, It is exhausting as he actually expects a response!! I either ignore him or give a non-response - he must know that this is not some game I am going to play with him. There are other things he says repeatedly that he doesn't know so much he is saying (like a verbal tick) - these are all pretty much about me (where's the wife/I love my wife/my wife is beautiful) - I feel so pressured. He has had depression for years (currently good) but I feel there is other stuff there as well. I can't bear it - I need it to stop, it makes me not want to be anywhere near him. How do I approach this without sounding like a bitch - and I don't know what I can do about the stuff that just gets blurted out without him really knowing until he does it. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? NB - I know this must make him sound like a complete crack pot but he really isn't, but he does have a very strong personality. At a loss here......

This sounds equally concerning and irritating. It could possibly be a symptom of a worsening mental health condition. Do you feel he has control over what he is saying or does he seem impelled to speak?

There is a condition called Logorrhoea - I wonder if that is what he is displaying?

Are the vocal ‘tics’ new, OP? Or escalating? Is your partner on any medication for his moods or for anything else? Have you noticed any other changes in personality or mood?

Yes, people do have things they say to each other - sort of relationship catch-phrases if you like - but usually reciprocal and in context ie both people are ‘in’ on it and it’s a way of being close. What you’re describing doesn’t sound anything like that.

Sounds like a mental health issue - I’d be worried rather than irritated by it (or both probably, but definitely worried - that’s really not normal?).

@Sparkletastic a bit of both - the questions I think he is fully conscious of doing - the comments about me definitely not.

I'd get him to the doctors pronto, I worked with an otherwise lovely chap who developed a very strange but distinctive vocal tic who then collapsed at work and ended up in a coma, I'm not sure what caused it (a virus?) but it left him with some serious neurological damage.

What's the context behind the sayings? Who is sally potatoes? Do these refer to past in-jokes etc or are they literally random? If the latter then I would worry.

I think approaching this as a potentially serious medical condition would at least give you a way into the conversation with him. If it pulls him up short and makes him realised how unwell it makes him sound then perhaps he will stop. If he can't then he needs to urgently see his GP.

It sounds like a medical issue to me. It needs medical investigation and intervention - irrespective of anything else that's going on in your relationship.

And sooner rather than later.

He sounds a bit ‘lost’. I would be concerned if it were dh. Gp needed I think.

My first thought was this it was some sort of neurological or psychiatric issue. I would suggest getting him to a GP as a first step.

Definitely needs a visit to the GP. Blurting out inappropriate things can sometimes be an early sign of dementia.

That said, I often ‘mutter’ to myself. Mostly when I’m pissed off about something. Maybe even ask myself rhetorical questions “I’ll put that in the dishwasher shall I?”. I don’t expect a response though and wouldn’t do it to my DH.

What does he say when you challenge him? Is he aware it’s odd/inappropriate?

Does he say similar things to other people eg the children?

Oh my gosh, op. You need go realise this isn't just your dp being irritating, there's something more at play here.

My first thought reading your post was early onset dementia (worked alot with dementia in my line of work) however, it could be any number for medical concerns.

He needs to see a GP ASAP, and you need to get advice on his behalf if he won't.

This is not normal behaviour, or normal things to be saying multiple times a day. He may otherwise seem "normal" in the early stages, but you need to work quickly to get a diagnosis.

Please don't ignore this.

OP have you ever posted about this before? It sounds very familiar to me but I cannot remember the outcome of the thread - perhaps the poster never came back.

Have you ever thought about recording him and then showing him? Have you ever asked him if he's aware he's burbling away? Was the "cum in mouth" comment a one-off or does he regularly blurt out inappropriate things?

I'm actually wondering if he's at some level conscious of what he's doing, worried about his mental health and actually wants someone to help him but is afraid to ask. My mum - who was the queen of passive aggression - would do stuff like that, and it's been a real battle for me to overcome the tendency to do it myself.

@Sparkletastic - i will have a look at that condition - thank you
@Sanchez79 - this is not sudden - it has been going on for years
@Pixysmoke there is no context - these are not private jokes gone astray...
@EasterEggBelly - most aren't inapproiate - but the example I gave is something he says regularly. He knows he is saying it and expecting a response. The "i love my wife" type comments are blurted though
@SecretDoor - not really - they are very much directed at me and a response (with the weird questions) but he does shout out the things about me when he is alone sometimes - he says that he will think of me and it will come out. He certainly doesn't ask other people the weird questions
@EvenMoreFuriousVexation no, not posted before. he absolutely knows he is asking the questions (even though they aren't really questions) and I feel they are attention seeking and controlling of my energy and time in a way. He does blurt out the things about me and when he is in a period of stress the verbal tic sides of things escalates so it is definitely a mental health thing

So he has control about it and it’s only directed at you.
He knows it pisses you off but continues to do it.
Is he taking medication for his depression.
It could be abuse.
He’s choosing to not listen to what you want and need.
He doesn’t do it to anyone else.

Have you actually spoken to him about this before op? What do you think he’d say if you asked him to go to the doctors?

OP you’ve received lots of helpful advice from people who clearly know a lot more about this than I do, but I just wanted to say how lovely that what your husband can’t stop himself saying about you is how much he loves you and how beautiful he finds you .

It sounds like Tourettes, but this normally begins in childhood or adolescence. It can be stress related too. He needs a medical review to rule out any other possible causes.

www.consultant360.com/articles/tourette-s-syndrome-and-tic-disorders-older-adults

Could it be Tourettes?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I thought I had read similar on here before too!

Have you ever questioned him about it? Asking why he does it?

The fact that he doesn’t do it to wider family, friends, colleagues makes it less alarming but it is still odd behaviour.

I agree he nerds to see a gp.

But just trying to get my head around the questions. Is it the same questions all of the time? Do you ask him why he is asking these things? What does he say?

I am from a house that does this. For some reason my dad and husband have the same trait. They both have a bunch of random sayings they say alot. They haven’t got any questions though. I was going to say does his family do this too? My sister has a little bit of it and I suppose I do shout nicknames out and things. An example of our werid behaviour is my dad randomly shouts the name of someone his receptionist used to date 20 years ago even though he hasn’t seen the receptionist in years. Like he could randomly shout “down the park with peter bennet” with no context whatsoever. Hes not mentally ill hes just an eccentric character! To be fair its usually when hes happy. It definitely doesn’t make me uncomfortable though its just random.

Have you specifically asked him to stop and what was his response to that?