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Original poster

Would you call this sexual assault?

68 replies

Isol0 · 17/05/2021 06:29

I've namechanged but I've been on here for a while.

I'm confused so I need other people's opinions. Last night me and partner went to bed and everything was normal. When I was going to sleep he moved closer to me and kept putting his hand on an intimate area, I kept moving his hand and he kept moving it back. I think he was asleep but I'm not 100% sure. I 'woke' him up after that and he was confused so in the end we both went to sleep. I'll obviously speak to him again later but I'm not sure if that'd be sexual Assault?

OP posts:

Happycat1212 · 17/05/2021 16:32

See if my partner did this to me I wouldn’t say it was sexual assault that thought wouldn’t even enter my head.

annie335 · 17/05/2021 16:46

Omg, I can't believe how serious people are on mn sometimes. Partner touches partner - shock horror. Doesn't go any further after couple of attempts but now it's too late as it's deemed to be assault. Ffs!

justanotherneighinparadise · 17/05/2021 16:48

I would call this ‘trying it on’ but if you call it sexual assault I would say there is more to this story than this one isolated incident.

JustGiveMeGin · 17/05/2021 16:58

Definitely not assault in my opinion, I do wonder how some couples on mn actually manage to instigate sex without a signed contract sometimes

Happycat1212 · 17/05/2021 17:07

Yeh that’s what I would say, he was trying it on/trying his luck. I have to agree with another poster I honestly don’t know how people on mn manage relationships. Everything is sexual assault/abuse.

Kittykat93 · 17/05/2021 17:08

This is not a sexual assault for Gods sake.

Colourmeclear · 17/05/2021 17:41

I'm curious what it would mean to you if it was sexual assault (I can't say either way). Would it change the discussion you have with him? If you are unhappy with what happened and would prefer it not to happen again, that's what you will need to tell him. It doesnt need to be sexual assault for you to lay down a boundary. My partner has never done this to me because I've told him it really upsets me. He understands why, but I can also see how other relationships are different and other people are probably fine with it. If it keeps happening once you've told him then that's part of a much bigger question.

flylikethewindforever · 17/05/2021 18:01

For those saying this isn't sexual assault, at what point does it become sexual assault with a partner? OP moved his hand away and he kept doing it.
My exh would do this while he had me in a neck hold. I would continually push him away he would keep doing it, I would say no, I would beg him to stop, yet it would then progress into even more, with him forcefully removing my clothes and having sex with me while restraining me.
Was he allowed to do that because he was married to me?
Thankfully he is now an ex because it ended in a situation where I was in fear of my life and the police ended up being involved.

wildeverose · 17/05/2021 18:16

This in my opinion is trying it on and wouldn't even cross my mind as being sexual assault.

If it's even crossed your mind that you've been assaulted then you need to leave him.

Tryinghardfornothing89 · 17/05/2021 19:32

I've done this to my partner when I've been asleep many times and been woken up really disorientated and confused. To consider this sexual assault sort of devalues the term imo. If he had a history of being horrible or abusive to you, I'd perhaps agree.

Those saying it is, how do you even sleep in the same bed as your partner? Absurd.

Meowchickameowmeow · 17/05/2021 19:34

@flylikethewindforever

For those saying this isn't sexual assault, at what point does it become sexual assault with a partner? OP moved his hand away and he kept doing it. My exh would do this while he had me in a neck hold. I would continually push him away he would keep doing it, I would say no, I would beg him to stop, yet it would then progress into even more, with him forcefully removing my clothes and having sex with me while restraining me. Was he allowed to do that because he was married to me? Thankfully he is now an ex because it ended in a situation where I was in fear of my life and the police ended up being involved.

I'm really sorry that happened to you but it's in no way the same thing as the OP described.

ShutUpAlex · 17/05/2021 19:35

@flylikethewindforever

That is not remotely the same thing at all.

Kittykat93 · 17/05/2021 19:38

@flylikethewindforever

For those saying this isn't sexual assault, at what point does it become sexual assault with a partner? OP moved his hand away and he kept doing it. My exh would do this while he had me in a neck hold. I would continually push him away he would keep doing it, I would say no, I would beg him to stop, yet it would then progress into even more, with him forcefully removing my clothes and having sex with me while restraining me. Was he allowed to do that because he was married to me? Thankfully he is now an ex because it ended in a situation where I was in fear of my life and the police ended up being involved.

With all due respect what does this have to do with the op? It's not remotely similar

JustGiveMeGin · 17/05/2021 19:43

@flylikethewindforever the scenario you described is nothing like the OP's.

ChangePart1 · 17/05/2021 20:17

I honestly think some people are absolutely terrified at the idea of ever saying ‘no’ when someone asks if what happened to them was assault. I really do.

I guess if you reaaaaally wanted to frame it as sexual assault you could say that it was an assault even though he was asleep and therefore not in control of his actions or doing it deliberately, just like you can be physically assaulted by someone sleepwalking.

But... why would you want to? OP has already said she isn’t in an abusive relationship. I can’t get over coming on a forum to ask strangers if your partner sexually assaulted you based on this.

MyOctopusFeature · 17/05/2021 20:24

@Tomyoneandonly

What!!!!!!!! People this this is sexual assault? Are you all for real? 1 couple went to bed amicably joint decision. 2 op is not 100% certain he was awake. it's not right and it must of made op uncomfortable I don't think it warrants the description ABUSE. Did you stay in bed with him after op?

Can someone interpret this for me please. Thank you.

rjacksmiss · 17/05/2021 20:28

I probably wouldn't say this is abuse. A short sharp jab in the ribs to wake him up if it ever happens again.

flylikethewindforever · 17/05/2021 20:40

Apologies should not have posted. I haven't really dealt with what happened to me so should not have opened this thread.

GreyhoundG1rl · 17/05/2021 20:44

@Meowchickameowmeow

No, I wouldn't class this as sexual assault, not in the slightest.

Me neither. I'm genuinely bemused at instructions to phone helplines and tell trusted friends who can offer "support". Op hasn't even raised the issue with her partner

SadSausage44 · 17/05/2021 20:50

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous, get a grip on reality.
Someone in a committed, mutually loving relationship, rolls over in his sleep and touches his partner, and it's sexual assault.
Get a fucking grip.
I've been sexually assaulted and it ain't that.

Jcre · 17/05/2021 20:51

He was asleep and when you 'woke' him up he was confused. In that context I'd suggest you Google sexomnia.

ThursdayWeld · 17/05/2021 20:53

No, I wouldn't consider that to be sexual assault.

DinoHat · 17/05/2021 20:53

@Happycat1212

I’m glad someone said it. The responses have made me laugh.

Isn’t this totally normal?

Companion42 · 17/05/2021 21:25

You're not wrong to feel uncomfortable op. Being touched after we have made it clear it's unwanted isn't a nice feeling to say the least!

You seem unsure that he was actually asleep. Are you able to pinpoint why? Does he have form for not respecting a no from You? The putting his hand back in a very specific place multiple times does seem odd to me I have to say. Are you able to speak to him about this or are You worried about his reaction at all? You don't have to answer. Just worth thinking about.

And don't let anyone make you feel stupid for feeling uncomfortable or asking questions.

fallfallfall · 17/05/2021 21:36

You sit up in bed, turn the light on. Shake him “awake” doubt he was sleeping and tell him “if you want sex ask!”
If you say it’s a hard no he needs to quit pestering you.

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