MIL

[Lanesra1886]

NC for this

I've been with DP thirteen years, married for ten and have a DD2. Before we had DD we saw the IL's once every 2-3 months. Now that we have DD we see them 2-3 times a week

MIL has always been bossy and doesn't think before she speaks. Just comes straight out with it. I'm quite quiet and reserved, I feel like I'm being spoken to like a child quite often. She's very abrupt. I think it stems from her job and she can't switch off

Today, as usual, I had been bossed around and spoken down to. I finally pulled her up on it. I told her how I feel when I'm spoken to by her and gave a few examples when asked

It did sour the afternoon a little but it's been going on for too long. It's got to the stage where I barely make any conversation with her as she always seems to disagree with anything I say or do or she criticises it

DP did initially have my back and told their DM how she speaks to people makes them feel belittled and like a naughty child. DP now seven hours later seems to have changed their mind and is barely talking to me

I guess the reason for my post is because I'm wondering if anybody has any advice on how to handle somebody who is so abrupt and straight to the point. I don't think she means to make me feel this way but she does

I've said to DP that we need to start seeing my side of the family more, we hardly ever see them and we see his side all the time. I think we need a bit more space for a start. I've put up with it for thirteen years, I really don't look forward to going over there anymore

No advice but watching with interest OP

I think the situation was left to fester for too long and you finally snapped. You need to pull back contact massively. Once a week is fine, and get your DP to do the visiting with your child.

DP doesn't drive which is why I have to be ever present. Lessons were stopped due to covid unfortunately. They don't seem to want to start the lessons again which is an issue

I will be scaling back visits for certain. In small doses she's okay but it then just builds and builds and becomes an issue the longer I'm there

I know it's gone on a long time but before DD we hardly saw her. DP has mentioned the way she speaks to people in the past but it's just kind of either accepted or awkwardly laughed about

Seems like your OH and the kids need to spend time with her alone. He can just take a taxi or bus. Don’t get involved. I’m getting to this point with my DP - we are spending too much time together and he makes such stupid comments it’s getting to the point where I just want to throw him out of a window.

How far is she ? Drop of H and DD and give yourself some space ... They can make their own way back or in-laws can drop back. Go and see your parents / family more & most importantly have some time just you guys as a family. Far too much emphasis put on keeping everyone else happy over yourselves isn't healthy and brings upset and resentment when you do say or make changes x

DP now seven hours later seems to have changed their mind and is barely talking to me

I don’t really understand this? 7 hours after what? How has he changed their mind and why is he now barely talking to you?

DP doesn't drive which is why I have to be ever present. Lessons were stopped due to covid unfortunately. They don't seem to want to start the lessons again which is an issue

Who are ‘they’?

How does your partner get around when you aren’t there? Bus/taxi/walk? That’s how he needs to visit his parents.

Who are ‘they’?

This may be a same sex relationship and the OP does not wish to mention this because it is not relevant to the situation.

@pointythings

Who are ‘they’?

This may be a same sex relationship and the OP does not wish to mention this because it is not relevant to the situation.

It was confusing as I thought it referred to the in-laws.

Thank you for the replies

"They" I guess meant my DP and the IL's also come into it regarding learning to drive as they were paying for the lessons but covid has destroyed any progress that had been made and now DP isn't particularly keen on starting lessons again. I think he gets very anxious and finds driving stressful which I can understand

The not driving side of things is a huge issue tbh. It's SO limiting. We live fifteen miles from the IL's and I get roped into everything. I said to DP that they want to see DD and not me

I'm trying to arrange seeing my Dad this Sunday as it happens. I've told DP that my side of the family are being neglected. Seeing the IL's so much feels suffocating at times, I'm never truly relaxed or myself. I always feel like I'm on my best behaviour, I have to watch what I say and pronounce words correctly

We did suggest them coming to us instead recently before this happened and it was met with some opposition as it would mean one couldn't drink! How do they think I feel, I'm that person every single time

Thanks again, I'll be going less and trying to get DP to resume lessons. The older dd gets the more this will limit her if only one parent drives. It even stops us house hunting in a lot of areas as we have to base it around bloody bus routes. Villages are totally out

You definitely need to stop facilitating so much contact with the IL's. There's no incentive for DP to resume driving lessons at the moment, he's got you running all over the place. I would suggest once a week contact and alternate between your house and IL's. Do they want to see their DGC or not? Not being able to drink really shouldn't enter into the discussion.

Why are you agreeing to see your ILs 2-3 times a week? You are perfectly entitled to decide how often you would like/can tolerate to see them and, as the only driver, can decide whether it suits you or not. Your DP can sort out additional visits himself. It's not really your issue but you seem to have taken on the responsibility for this. Easily done but now you have had time to consider, decide what you would like to do or not to do and perhaps be a big more assertive about it.

They refuse to come you because then one of them can't drink!? So you do a 30 mile round trip two to three times A WEEK to facilitate rude people spending time with your child? No, no and thrice no, OP. You've done the right thing in speaking up and now is a good time to reassess things, as you are already doing.

For a start, I'd be refusing to drive over there any more at all. You've done your fair share, there are four adults who COULD potentially drive but the other three have sacked it off for various reasons (can't possibly be without a drink/too nervous to bother learning) so you can sack it off for your own reasons (not willing to put yourself out for the purpose of exposing your child to people who talk down to you).

If you are feeling generous you could offer that the in laws can come over once a month at a time convenient to you but ONLY if they are willing to apologise for their previous behaviour and be polite to you from now on. That would be two to three times for contact than they had with you before the baby (and you could negotiate up if you would be comfortable wirh seeing them once a month/fortnight/week instead).

Don't connect seeing your parents to not seeing the in laws, just start making arrangements to see your family. The issue with the in laws is how they treat you. What changed for your DP in the seven hours since? I would be reading him the riot act, you have put up with being treated abysmally by his parents for over a decade, he has never stood up for you (my husband would NEVER let his parents treat me badly), they have ALL taken advantage of you and used you like a taxi service and you're done. Done with being treated badly, done with not being supported by him and done with being their servant.

I would suggest that you need to have words with him and then he needs to have words with them. Is he afraid of them do you think?

Its not a very original thing to say, but true - you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DP problem.

His mother is talking down to you and he doesn't stand up to her. You aren't getting to see your family or other friends because he insists on prioritising his family, but needs you to make that work because he doesn't want to learn to drive or use public transport. His choices are making your life harder.

So how about this, you'll go see them once a fortnight and drive you all. If he wants to see them more often, he can arrange to meet somewhere central both him and his parents can get to easily without you. You will be taking dd to see your family as well.

You need to talk to him about standing up to his mother for you. If he wanted 3 times a week meetings that you need to facilitate, then he needs to put jn the work with his parents to make sure this isn't hideous for you or work on a way to do that without requiring you to be his chauffer.

two to three times more* contact

You need to get a bit tougher here and you have the power and the car to do so. Don’t take your DH or daughter to your PiLs, use your car to visit your family. Just back right off. What can they do? They can’t force you to drive to them.

Invite them over very occasionally and if they decline so be it. You aren’t stopping contact you’re just not facilitating it and if it matters to your DH that much then he can either learn to drive or encourage his parents to visit you.

If she persists in being rude to you then step right back.

I think it's time for DD to go through an awkward phase where any time in the car after 1pm is really going to upset her routine so you can't possibly visit more then once a fortnight. If he wants to go more often he needs to learn to drive.
Saying they can't visit at all because one wouldn't be able to drink would make me stop the visits instantly tbh, surely seeing their family should be more important then having a drink.

Why the hell are his parents paying for driving lessons?

Good lord. Where is it written you have to see these people multiple times a week?

Scale that waaay back. Once a month with ILs who are rude to you is more than enough.

When I had my first DC my in laws suddenly lived in our pockets, they were overbearing and rude and it exhausted me. I put up with it for far too long because I didn't want to disappoint DH but it broke me.

Stand up for yourself. They're taking energy and attention from other areas of your life.

You are the only driver so it is very easy for you to take back control here. Tell DP that from now on you will visit your own parents one weekend and his the next. You could even do the visits a fortnight apart really. No need for every weekend to be taken up. As the driver, that is what you are willing to facilitate except for special occasions and/or emergencies.

Compromise is needed here. Enforce it.

As for how to deal with the manner in which MIL speaks to you, do as you did recently and pull her up on it. Every time. If she then decides that she would prefer to see DP on his own then surely that would be a great result! Providing of course that they facilitate the transport and don't use you as the free taxi service.

Begin to prioritise your own family more and stop letting yourself be trampled on.

What @strikethrough said

OP, it seems to me that you have more power in tis situation than you are currently using. If you're the only driver, you basically go where you want to go!

If you want DH to learn to drive, you need to make it important to him to learn. You can do this by stopping being his Uber/chauffeur. If he doesn't get driven on demand all the time, he will step up and learn quite quickly, I suspect. At the moment, he doesn't really need to, does he?

As for MiL, give yourself some space and go less often, for starters. Then when you do go, you can say to her that you'll stay as long as she is welcoming and polite but you'll be leaving with DD if she starts. Then do it. If your DH wants to stay, he makes his own way home or his parents drive him back. Don't make an extra trip to collect him.

I guarantee you'll only need to do this once! Set your boundaries; this lot are tramping all over you and DD will soon be noticing how you get treated, if she isn't already. That will be setting her own expectations, so if you feel bad doing it for you, do it for her.

Urgh. I wouldn't want to see anyone 2-3 times a week.

I'm not surprised you feel suffocated.

Don't your in laws have their own lives, their own things to do?

I'd see them once a month max. Surely you have friends and things to do other than with them?

Or is your DJ a mummy's boy?

We did suggest them coming to us instead recently before this happened and it was met with some opposition as it would mean one couldn't drink! How do they think I feel, I'm that person every single time

WTF!? Why are you facilitating these people to drink and be horrible to you?

Stop it now and tell your DH why! You literally hold every single card here.

Just tell your husband you aren’t going to be driving to his parents’ house more than once a month. If he wants to go he gets the bus or taxi.

Make sure you see your family more frequently too.

Draw your boundaries and stick to them.

As other PP have said you have a DH problem and I thinks it’s about time he cut the apron strings.

2 to 3 times a week is to much. Do your own family live a distance away? Why don't you see them more often?

Perhaps your MIL will reflect on what you said and change, but some space might help in the meanwhile.