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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me get over this comment please

53 replies

ignoringthechoc · 16/05/2021 15:59

Bumped into an acquaintance last night for the first time in about 7 years and they said "shit you've aged!"
I'm 45 and have dealt with my husband dying and dealing with 2 grief stricken kids in that time, so yes I get that I probably look older, but I didn't need to hear it that harshly and its really upset me.
I'm not one for caring too much what people think and I'm surprised how hurt I am.
How do I accept this and move on as I doubt I will be able to forget it? Any words of wisdom welcome.

OP posts:
Sailingthroughtheweek · 16/05/2021 16:02

Were they jealous of you OP.. when to knew them originally, because if someone really had aged, I don’t think someone would actually say it. It sounds like a deliberately mean comment.

Aprilwasverywet · 16/05/2021 16:03

Wow well you are still a twat...
Next time op.
Next time.

Lozzerbmc · 16/05/2021 16:06

I agree it does sound deliberately mean … so sorry for your lossFlowers

Ruminating2020 · 16/05/2021 16:12

@ignoringthechoc

Bumped into an acquaintance last night for the first time in about 7 years and they said "shit you've aged!" I'm 45 and have dealt with my husband dying and dealing with 2 grief stricken kids in that time, so yes I get that I probably look older, but I didn't need to hear it that harshly and its really upset me. I'm not one for caring too much what people think and I'm surprised how hurt I am. How do I accept this and move on as I doubt I will be able to forget it? Any words of wisdom welcome.
They were rude and nasty for saying that.

So sorry about your loss, and to have this as well is heartbreaking and cruel.

Original poster
ignoringthechoc · 16/05/2021 16:17

I don't think jealous no, they are male, I am female so I just took it as an honest (but cruel) statement.
Annoyed at myself for being so bothered really, need to put it out of my mind.
And yes next time I won't be so polite 😊 I just said, wow that's harsh and he said oh I'm always saying the wrong thing!
Just didn't realise someone commenting on my appearance would upset me so much, might have to start making more of an effort.
Thanks all, it helps to not bottle it up and dwell on it, hoping I will see it as funny when it's not so raw.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 16/05/2021 16:18

That's pretty hurtful - do you think they will be kicking themselves now, or are they usually so socially inept as not to even realise it?

I can think of a couple of times I've said something and immediately realised it was hurtful to the other person, but have just fallen silent with embarrassment and then just gone away and hated myself.

Bathshebahardy · 16/05/2021 16:18

I sympathise. I saw my BIL at a family event when I was around 35. I hadn't seen him for about 10 years and he said "don't you look old". I was really offended. He later explained that I used to look like a young teenager in my 20s and now looked nearer my age but it was still offensive.

Original poster
ignoringthechoc · 16/05/2021 16:19

Thanks for the kind words about my husband too, we are doing ok x

OP posts:
ravenmum · 16/05/2021 16:20

Oh, I was a bit slow. Good for you for saying something. I'd have just silently felt like shit.

Original poster
ignoringthechoc · 16/05/2021 16:22

I don't even know if they will remember saying it and I hope I don't see them for another 7 years 😊
Sorry you had similar @bathshebahardy it stings doesn't it.

OP posts:
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 16/05/2021 16:25

What?!

Ignore it OP.....we all age in 7 years but it was a bloody ride thing to say. My guess is that they are either very insecure, jealous of you or just a complete dickhead with an odd sense of humour!

The alternative to getting older is not getting older/dying so try not to take too much offence, and celebrate every birthday! 🥂

Original poster
ignoringthechoc · 16/05/2021 16:33

Yes, I do very much appreciate still being here and being fit and healthy so looking a bit older isn't the end of the world, its just wounded pride.
Glad I posted, you have all put things back into perspective and I am going to try very hard to just ignore the comment.
@ravenmum I am happy that I said to him it was harsh, hoping he doesn't say it to anyone else unless as someone else said he thought it was funny, who knows.

OP posts:
Imjustsootired · 16/05/2021 16:35

That would upset anyone.

Its really really rude. This guy, an ageless Adonis I suppose? Nope? Shocker.

Jobsharenightmare · 16/05/2021 16:38

Good for you for saying something back. What a horrible thing to say. Let's see how good he looks after a major life tragedy (and normal ageing!). Spiteful ass.

Candleabra · 16/05/2021 16:40

Very rude. Amazing how men feel they have a right to comment on a woman's appearance.

Sounds like you've had a very tough few years. I think a horrible comment like that says everything about the person saying it. I am sorry to hear about your husband.

Calmdown14 · 16/05/2021 16:41

It was a stupid thing to say but maybe it wasn't meant so much as 'christ you look old for 45' but more that you've changed.
Did you perhaps look particularly young before? If you are of slight build then this often makes you appear younger even if your features aren't young looking.
He should never have said it but I think often we don't notice the changes in those we see all the time. The friends you have known since you were young never look middle aged to you in the same way those you meet later in life do.
Don't dwell on it as a sign you look haggered, it was probably intended more in the 'been such a long time since I've seen you' sense

Singlenotsingle · 16/05/2021 16:43

Use it as an excuse to treat yourself to some lovely beauty treatments

OldWomanSaysThis · 16/05/2021 16:49

Rude!!!!

Your "harsh" response was perfect.

Cosmos45 · 16/05/2021 16:51

Very very rude and it is definitely a reflection of him rather than you. What a twattish thing to say..

Original poster
ignoringthechoc · 16/05/2021 16:51

@imjustsotired no he is not an adonis but not hideous either, average like me I guess😁
I appreciate everyone's comments, and agree about why some men feel they have the right to comment on a woman's looks. I think I was taken aback as I would only ever compliment and would feel awful if I thought I had upset anyone but he wasn't bothered at all.
I feel better about it already, but still might use it as an excuse to order some beauty treatments!

OP posts:
workshy44 · 16/05/2021 17:07

You poor thing that is so mean. I used to get comments like that and weirdly now I get the oh my god you haven’t aged in 20 years !! Guys can be pretty blunt and not mean much by it, wouldn’t bother them so don’t see how insulting it is !

RowanAlong · 16/05/2021 17:07

That was really rude. Does he know what you’ve dealt with in that time? Hope you never see him again!!

nixonten · 16/05/2021 17:08

Sorry for the extra difficulty that your acquaintance put on you.
I know about bereavement. It sure is tough.
Best Wishes to you all.

happytoday73 · 16/05/2021 17:15

'well its better than the alternative... Not aging like my poor DH... But thanks for the kind words'

I'm sorry about your DH...

Some people are just rude... 'chin up love it might not happen'... My husband was terribly ill in hospital... Luckily a friend with me came back with a comment to put him in his place as a stood their shocked....

1forAll74 · 16/05/2021 17:20

It's not nice to hear when a person comes out saying this, as the person saying it has aged too. But never the less , you just have to ignore comments like that.,so not worth thinking about such things,

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