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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me get over this comment please

53 replies

ignoringthechoc · 16/05/2021 15:59

Bumped into an acquaintance last night for the first time in about 7 years and they said "shit you've aged!"
I'm 45 and have dealt with my husband dying and dealing with 2 grief stricken kids in that time, so yes I get that I probably look older, but I didn't need to hear it that harshly and its really upset me.
I'm not one for caring too much what people think and I'm surprised how hurt I am.
How do I accept this and move on as I doubt I will be able to forget it? Any words of wisdom welcome.

OP posts:

5128gap · 16/05/2021 17:42

Obviously they were rude and tasteless, but I'm guessing that's not the part that upset you. I imagine it's the idea you have visibly aged in the last 7 years?
I think when you get to a certain age, how old you look can vary from day to day. Things like not enough water or sleep, if you're having a bad day generally, feel under the weather, or even have a certain expression on your face, can massively impact on how old you look. You've been through a lot and are probably not feeling at your best. If he saw you rested and happy it may be a different story.

5128gap · 16/05/2021 17:44

Tactless, not tasteless!

jannyapple · 16/05/2021 17:46

How very horrible for you
My reply would be " yes I have thank you , I've been through a terrible time but it has taught me a lot - so yes I've now aged - you however were always a cunt "

maskface212 · 16/05/2021 18:13

@ignoringthechoc

Bumped into an acquaintance last night for the first time in about 7 years and they said "shit you've aged!" I'm 45 and have dealt with my husband dying and dealing with 2 grief stricken kids in that time, so yes I get that I probably look older, but I didn't need to hear it that harshly and its really upset me. I'm not one for caring too much what people think and I'm surprised how hurt I am. How do I accept this and move on as I doubt I will be able to forget it? Any words of wisdom welcome.

Fucking hell! I thought I was blunt but that's stratospheric.

There was an article by J K Rowling once, about how she bumped into an old friend and the first thing her friend said was, 'You look lovely. Have you lost weight?' Or something to that effect. Rowling wrote in the article that she had had so many achievements in that time and that is the only thing her friend could think of to say. She also said that she'd just given birth the last time she'd seen her.

So anyway OP, that was a shitty comment to say and I'm not surprised you feel so hurt by it. It stings! You're allowed to feel hurt. The way I make myself feel better about these things is first, thinking of all the wonderful things there are about you. I'm sure you're a wonderful human being and second, to perhaps feel a little compassion for her. Hurt people hurt, as they say and maybe she's in a bad place and it makes her feel better to be spiteful or, maybe it was just unthinking and she didn't mean anything by it.

I tell you what makes me feel good though, is surround myself with people who love and care about me and do something kind for someone else. Send her kind thoughts and try to move on.

maskface212 · 16/05/2021 18:29

"The first thing she said to me? ‘You’ve lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you!’. ‘Well,’ I said, slightly nonplussed, ‘the last time you saw me I’d just had a baby.’

"What I felt like saying was, ‘I’ve produced my third child and my sixth novel since I last saw you. Aren’t either of those things more important, more interesting, than my size?’ But no – my waist looked smaller! Forget the kid and the book: finally, something to celebrate!

eta: sorry saw it was a man who said it. Hope you're feeling a little better OP.

AuntMasha · 16/05/2021 19:05

So sorry to hear of your loss, OP.

One of my husband’s friends is a man in his 60s. When this guy’s partner/gf turned 64, he wanted my husband, - who plays the guitar - to turn up to a surprise outdoor birthday party for her, and at a strategic moment, jump out from behind a bush singing ‘When I’m 64’ by The Beatles. This man’s gf is a few years older than him and a little sensitive about it. My husband was just horrified by this and said to his friend, “No, mate - that’s going to go down like a lead balloon!” and absolutely refused to do the gig. Some men are just tin-earned when it comes to women’s deeper feelings and this particular one that you encountered sounds like a massive arse and I’m so sorry you were subjected to his stupidity.

Original poster

ignoringthechoc · 16/05/2021 19:07

I am thank you, I have a lot to be happy about and lovely friends who make me feel great. I'm going to put this crappy comment behind me and not waste any more head space on it. It did hurt but I look fine, people don't run screaming from me in the street 😁 so it's just one stupid comment from an idiot I don't even know that well and that's how I will reframe it in my head.
I did need to vent, share though as I was in tears this morning and this thread has been so helpful in getting me back to myself so thank you everyone who has taken the time to reply, your words made a difference x

OP posts:

AuntMasha · 16/05/2021 19:07

*Tin-eared

maskface212 · 16/05/2021 19:24

jannyapple · 16/05/2021 19:25

@ignoringthechoc 💐💐💐

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 16/05/2021 19:34

Well isn't he a twat. The thing is, a lot of men see women really superficially, like if your hair is perfect, or you have make up on or not, or if you are in your casual (comfy) clothes or more dressed up. They are rarely making their foolish judgements on how well you actually look, so I would not listen to one single word that comes out of his stupid mouth. I once had a guy tell me I had put on a lot of weight - I was just wearing a big coat.

Mammma91 · 16/05/2021 19:40

What a horrible way to go about greeting another person. So sorry for your loss OP

redcarbluecar · 16/05/2021 19:42

Sorry for your loss OP. I imagine you might be able to laugh about the comment in time, but what a crass thing to say.

EKGEMS · 16/05/2021 19:43

What a shockingly stupid social dunce! I thought it was horrible when I was at my eight month old son's bedside in pediatric intensive care 20 years ago and a minister known to my husband stopped by and remarked how much weight I had gained in the eight years since they had last seen me. I'm so glad you have a supportive friendship group. I'm sorry for your loss.

BrilliantBetty · 16/05/2021 19:53

How rude.

I've had 'god you look like you've got the flu or something..' upon bumping into an old (male) friend.
I took it as he is and was always a dumb ass and looks worse than I ever have ill or not ill.

Some people are idiots. This guy is one of them.

katy1213 · 16/05/2021 19:59

Cheer up. He'll have a bald patch and erectile dysfunction by the time you see him again!

Original poster

ignoringthechoc · 16/05/2021 20:14

You lot are great and I don't feel quite so foolish for getting upset now that the general consensus is that he is an insensitive prick and most people would have been upset by this.
The baldness and ED did make me laugh😁

OP posts:

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 16/05/2021 20:35

@EKGEMS

Bloody hell! I think some people are just keen to make a lasting impression, so they go through life making shockingly rude comments to make sure that they are noticed!

again2020 · 16/05/2021 20:42

Sorry for your loss

Derogatory comments about people's appearance that seem to be socially acceptable are my pet hate. My MIL loves saying "you look terrible" or "you look exhausted"! Why?! I've started saying 'Its just my face" to her and it shuts her up a bit.

This man sounds like prize twat and I'd feel the same as you. I'm sure they regret the comment.
Hope you feel better soon.

Zerrin13 · 16/05/2021 21:34

What a pig

RantyAnty · 16/05/2021 21:45

Glad you're not letting this twat rent any more space in your head.

Glad you called him out about it.
I like the idea of having a comment of, "and I see your hair keeps disappearing" for boorish rude men.

billy1966 · 16/05/2021 22:25

Jesus, imagine living in those peoples head.

You can't be that happy to immediately go to such a horrible comment.

partyatthepalace · 16/05/2021 22:32

That does sound like a deliberately mean remark to me. Was this person a bit of a wankstain?

People in their 40s often feel the need to take aging in hand a bit, so when and if you do, you can. But I doubt you look any different from any one else who has lived a life in their 40s. So sorry you’ve had some rough times.

Original poster

ignoringthechoc · 17/05/2021 07:50

Haha @partyatthepalace he is indeed a bit of a wankstain!
I gave online dating a go a while ago and he had a profile up that actually made me shudder (all about what he demanded in a partner and 'fun only, no drama' urgh!) so why I cared what he thought I don't know, he is now in my head as wankstain and that will make me laugh next time I see him.
A lovely poster has also given me some fab practical advice on skincare tips via message too so I'm glad I asked for help instead of just going over it in my head, mums net to the rescue 😊

OP posts:

jannyapple · 17/05/2021 08:17

Thank you @partyatthepalace
I have an acquaintance in my phone who has just been renamed wankstain
Have a lovely day everyone .. glad to see you more positive OP

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