Do I tell my mum that my dad has been cheating on her

[sabrina1234]

So I found out a couple months ago about my dad's cheating. I found some inappropriate emails on his Side phone (he has 2- one which is always with him and this one he keeps on the side) . They were emails of him sending selfies to a woman who sent nude photos of herself. I also went into his browser history and found some very disturbing things such as.. how to mindcontrol a woman, flirty texts to send to a woman, how to crush a girls self esteem, why you should ignore women (just to name a few). I also found in his notes websites he's copy and pasted referring to having multiple wives and starting new marriages.

Now for some background information my dad is a narcissist. For the past 13/14 years he has become extremely self obsessed, constantly looking at himself in the mirror and spending a lot of money on cosmetics. He is extremely controlling when it comes to the finances, my mum and dad have a shared bank account and he does not let my mum see the bank statement ever or where the money goes exactly. Luckily when my mum started working a couple years ago she opened her own separate account aswell where her wages go into.
Now with his children including me, he does not speak to us at all, it's as if we are nothing to him, never asks if we are okay, never says hi to us. Nothing. One time my mum noticed he speaks to my auntie and uncles in a good manner (his brothers and sisters) and when my mum pointed out that he does not speak to his own children he replied saying that you have to "put on an act when speaking to other people".
His way of thinking is very twisted and he always has something negative to say . E.g. when I left my old job, my manager said I am very honest and hardworking, I told my mum because I was thought this was very sweet and she repeated it to my dad to which he replies "it's not good to be too honest"... I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the idea by now.
Now my dad's brothers/sisters and parents have been abusive towards my mum ever since she married him at the age of 17, they constantly put her down, treated her like a slave and also singled out me and my siblings from the rest of our cousin's. As we got old we started to realise their horrible ways and have completely cut them off. This made no difference to them as they have not bothered to contact us since and act as though we were the ones doing something wrong.

Now I have thought of a couple of ways to deal with this. It has been heavy on my shoulders for a long time now but I just need some advice, these are the things I have thought about:

1. Come clean to my mum and show her the proof.
2. I thought about telling my dad that I know about his antics and threaten to send it to his family. (This was because I thought my mum wouldn't ever leave him) but she's already been talking about if something was to happen she would kick him out (she already suspected cheating)
3. Wait a little longer till I am a little more financially secure so that I can help if need be.

I know I shouldn't have been snooping but I knew something wasn't right. I just feel bad because I don't want to break my mum's heart any more. She has already been through so much.
Anyone who's had experience with divorce I would appreciate the advice and are there any steps that I should take immediately to protect my mum and myself. I would really appreciate advice from anyone, I feel really stuck right now and I want to do what is best for.my mum.

It's not really your business and you shouldn't have been snooping.

Perhaps your mum is already aware of his proclivities, if she is talking about kicking him out. If it was my dad, I'd definitely tell my mum so she can make up her mind about what to do.

Your dad and his side of the family sound utterly repugnant.

Within a heart beat I would tell your Mum,this could be the push she needs to leave the abusive bastard and his fucked up family behind her!

Don't leave it any longer! You don't say how old your Mum is but I'd tell her sooner rather than later so she can start to make a good life for herself.

As to getting a divorce just be there to support her,listen to any worries she has and offer to go with her to appointments for solicitors ect when the time comes.

Good Luck.

If he leaves this phone on the side, in full view, it might be that your mum knows anyway, and chooses to turn a blind eye. If he was hiding anything he’s doing , surely he’d have all this on the phone he always has with him.

I’d be wary of getting involved, but just be there for your mum if it all kicks off.

He has a password for this phone which he doesn't leave in plain sight, so it's definitely something he wanted to hide

Surely the sick Google searches are even worse than the affair.

In your position I would be teaching my mother what a narcissist is. I would have be sitting her down and asking her why she wanted to be anywhere near this repugnant man. Showing her youtube video after youtube video (melanie tonia Evans is good) and reading her extracts about his to spot abusers and what they are.

However,considering many abused women (which is what she is) finally only click that he doesnt love them when they realise he is cheating, I would of course tell her about that too.

I would fight tooth and nail to remove that man from her life. But you need to lead by example and remove him from yours too.

I would also publically shame him, personally.

Anyone who's had experience with divorce I would appreciate the advice and are there any steps that I should take immediately to protect my mum and myself.

Yes, find all financial info: mortgage/savings/pensions/investments/wages and copy them if you can. If he's narcissistic, he'll clear out the accounts and hide all his money so your mum gets nothing in the divorce.

I would tell your mum and show her the information. I would be heartbroken if my children knew I was being cheated on and kept it from me. It's humiliating enough as it is. She needs to get to a GUM as well in case he's passed anything on to her as many married couples don't use condoms (apologies tmi).

Again, if he's narcissistic, he'll try to make divorce as difficult as he can so be prepared for that. Get advice on housing (try the CABx or somewhere like Shelter) and prepare as much as you can.

Be prepared for her to either know or choose to do nothing about it.

Following with interest having been in this situation in the past myself, I'm interested to see what people think you should do.

Those searches sound like he's a fucking psychopath.

If I knew my mum would definitely leave based on the information, I would tell her to free her from someone so awful.

If I knew she would stay, I wouldn't tell her as I would feel I was adding to an already awful situation for her.

The difficulty I guess is that you probably don't know for definite whether she actually would leave or not?

He sounds evil.

@Maddox33

It's not really your business and you shouldn't have been snooping.

Perhaps your mum is already aware of his proclivities, if she is talking about kicking him out. If it was my dad, I'd definitely tell my mum so she can make up her mind about what to do.

Your dad and his side of the family sound utterly repugnant.

It’s utterly cold to think your parents happiness, security and mental health is not your business.

Agree with PPs, those searches are disturbing. Your mum has a right to know imho. Sorry you have such a hateful man for a father. Good luck.

Your mum needs to know and absolutely do not threaten your dad with this. Your mum needs time to be able to try and get statements etc, if you show her hand you take that from her. Just tell her and then stay out of it whatever she decides.

Your Mum does need to know but are prepared for her to make the choice to stay because she's frightened or controlled to end it?

How old are you? I am impressed by your level of understanding about all this. I witnessed my dad having blatant affairs in my teens and couldn't have articulated how I felt about it myself, let alone had the forethought to tell my mother.

I think you need to consider yourself first in all of this. It is not your job to dedicate yourself to your parents' happiness, even though being the child of a narcissist you've probably been raised to do so. Can you handle their wrath and misery if you do decide to tell her? Can you cope with the blame? What other stresses are there in your life?

Your mother is an adult. She knows who she married. Take a step back and focus on your own life.

I think when you Dad goes out, I would say to your mum,, I know something about dad, if you want me to tell you I will.
Then leave her to decide.

If your mum and dad were in a "normal" healthy relationship, and you'd discovered he was playing away, I'd say don't tell. Because she might well be aware anyway and choosing to stay. But knowing that you knew would be humiliating for her.

However, from what you've said your father is a thoroughly abusive cunt, and if you feel the knowledge that he's shagging other people would give her the push to leave, then yes I would 100% tell her.

Maybe you could broach the subject first by having a "mum what do you think of X and Y on Soap Opera - do you think she was right to leave him for cheating? What would you do if you found dad was cheating?" and then go from there.

One thing I would say is you'll need proof. If she confronts him based on your say-so he will simply deny everything and gaslight the shit out of her. And probably forbid her from speaking to you again, thus leaving her more isolated. He wins again. So have incontrovertible proof to hand.

Encourage her to speak to Womens Aid. She is being financially abused and emotionally abused at the very least. Does she have any support system outside the home? Does she work, have friendships with women who aren't connected to her husband?

I would tell you mum quietly and say to her now she knows she can ignore it or start saving money to leave

1000% tell your mum!!!
I wouldn’t wait about.

Not only would I tell her, I'd stage an intervention to get her out of there (or support her to get an Occupation Order to get him out of there). He sounds like an absolute bastard.

Op you sound very caring and concerned for your dm. You are in your full right to tell her all the info you know. You also should and have no doubt about it. I am so sorry for the emotional abuse your mother is suffering. You have the ability to stop this abuse. Google narcissistic abuse syndrome. I think the info there will give you a guide to what your mother is going through. It is severe almost deathly. Please get him away from your mum. It really is your business and only you. I'm so confident your dm will appreciate this new found knowledge. She may be depressed or anxious as that is what narcissists make you feel like. She may feel nothing can be done and that's sad. Please tell her how ever you see right. You sound like a really good caring child and I thank you on your mothers behalf. Good luck op. I'm sure everything will be OK. Honesty is the best policy as the only people Honesty hurts are the lies.

How could you not?

If your MUM already suspects him/is talking of separation, then I'd give her the ammo.

It is highly unlikely that your mother doesn't know he is a narcissist or at the very least what he is like.
It's also very unlikely that she would leave, given that her dc are not at home anymore and there isn't a reason to stay other than her choosing to.
You can still tell her about this, but I think you already know what she would do.

I would guess your mother just needs conformation.

And I agree with others, the searches are far more worrying than the cheating. They're genuinely disturbing, they made me shudder. Poor you, you must be so worried about your mum and it's hard when she's already stayed with him despite previous bad behaviour so you can't be sure she would actually leave him. I really feel for you

Be prepared for your mother’s talk about divorce being just that, all talk. She’s stayed with him despite his behaviour and the way he’s treated his children.

Your father sounds utterly repugnant.