Do I tell my mum that my dad has been cheating on her

[sabrina1234]

So I found out a couple months ago about my dad's cheating. I found some inappropriate emails on his Side phone (he has 2- one which is always with him and this one he keeps on the side) . They were emails of him sending selfies to a woman who sent nude photos of herself. I also went into his browser history and found some very disturbing things such as.. how to mindcontrol a woman, flirty texts to send to a woman, how to crush a girls self esteem, why you should ignore women (just to name a few). I also found in his notes websites he's copy and pasted referring to having multiple wives and starting new marriages.

Now for some background information my dad is a narcissist. For the past 13/14 years he has become extremely self obsessed, constantly looking at himself in the mirror and spending a lot of money on cosmetics. He is extremely controlling when it comes to the finances, my mum and dad have a shared bank account and he does not let my mum see the bank statement ever or where the money goes exactly. Luckily when my mum started working a couple years ago she opened her own separate account aswell where her wages go into.
Now with his children including me, he does not speak to us at all, it's as if we are nothing to him, never asks if we are okay, never says hi to us. Nothing. One time my mum noticed he speaks to my auntie and uncles in a good manner (his brothers and sisters) and when my mum pointed out that he does not speak to his own children he replied saying that you have to "put on an act when speaking to other people".
His way of thinking is very twisted and he always has something negative to say . E.g. when I left my old job, my manager said I am very honest and hardworking, I told my mum because I was thought this was very sweet and she repeated it to my dad to which he replies "it's not good to be too honest"... I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the idea by now.
Now my dad's brothers/sisters and parents have been abusive towards my mum ever since she married him at the age of 17, they constantly put her down, treated her like a slave and also singled out me and my siblings from the rest of our cousin's. As we got old we started to realise their horrible ways and have completely cut them off. This made no difference to them as they have not bothered to contact us since and act as though we were the ones doing something wrong.

Now I have thought of a couple of ways to deal with this. It has been heavy on my shoulders for a long time now but I just need some advice, these are the things I have thought about:

1. Come clean to my mum and show her the proof.
2. I thought about telling my dad that I know about his antics and threaten to send it to his family. (This was because I thought my mum wouldn't ever leave him) but she's already been talking about if something was to happen she would kick him out (she already suspected cheating)
3. Wait a little longer till I am a little more financially secure so that I can help if need be.

I know I shouldn't have been snooping but I knew something wasn't right. I just feel bad because I don't want to break my mum's heart any more. She has already been through so much.
Anyone who's had experience with divorce I would appreciate the advice and are there any steps that I should take immediately to protect my mum and myself. I would really appreciate advice from anyone, I feel really stuck right now and I want to do what is best for.my mum.

I'd confront him and tell him if he doesn't tell your mum everything then you will.
Please don't let her stay in the dark, she might have no idea.
If she does then you can persuade her to leave, maybe live with you until the divorce is settled.

Maddox33

It's not really your business and you shouldn't have been snooping.

@Maddox33- not OPs business? Stop talking nonsense.

He sounds horrid and I would want my smother as far away from as soon as possible - I’d tell her

You went through his private stuff imagine if he did that to you

I would tell her that you have some information and that you can tell her if she wants, and that, if you tell her, you will let her decide what to do with and never mention again.

You went through his private stuff imagine if he did that to you

Thank god she did

Is your mum likely to leave him though?

She's been married to him since she was still legally a child at age 17;this is all she's ever known and it sounds like he's conditioned her to accept this is her life.

It would be very hard to convince someone in this situation to strike out on their own even if their DH is the world's biggest arsehole.

I would absolutely tell her but be prepared for the fact that she might not want to, or feel like she can leave him.
If she decides to stay with him she will need your support, so you'll need to decide whether you can provide it.

She may already know or have an inkling and be burying her head in the same about it.

I hope she leaves, he sounds awful but it's very difficult after years in a controlling relationship.

I am sorry for what you have endured with your own DF and it must be horrific to know that your DM is a victim of his Narcissistic abuse. The cheating might be the less traumatic side of your DM experience.

I would approach this strategically and sustainably.

Research and educate yourself on narcism, DA, divorce proceedings first. I would get all the ducks in a row before speaking with your DM. I would have various options open for her BUT also support for yourself to understand the mind of an abused wife - because she might not be able to physically or emotionally leave in the timescale you imagine. She might be v entrenched in denial. She may blame you or cut you out for causing trouble.

Get some professional emotional support for you - because he has also left you with issues - and to plan an way through this even if you don’t get the result that you want.

Would you involve your other siblings in this?

Do all of your preparations thoroughly before you light the touch paper. Your DF sounds unhinged and dangerous - don’t underestimate that - keep safe.

I would speak to your Mother about this, especially if you think she is not strong minded enough to tackle all these issues, maybe if she is afraid of him in some ways. She must be aware of his nastiness, and somewhat perverted ways, as he is no way a normal person.with this kind of mindset.

I doubt that he will ever be able to charm any other women in real life, with his weird and cruel ways of thinking. He can be any one on social media.

Tell your mum, fuck his family they have made it clear what they think of you and your DM, probably based on what your Dads led them to believe. But I doubt they would change their minds now.

Hopefully your DM will get out. Just make sure if and when she dose it she protects herself and didn’t give him any chances to make her suffer.

I know women who have up and left when their partners/husbands have been at work, 2 walked out with just their bags and kids, another 3 who cleared the whole house out carpets and all so when their partners/husbands got home it was all gone and there was fuck all they could do. Not saying what they all did was right but it definitely left the men with no control.

@Umberellatheweatha

Surely the sick Google searches are even worse than the affair.

In your position I would be teaching my mother what a narcissist is. I would have be sitting her down and asking her why she wanted to be anywhere near this repugnant man. Showing her youtube video after youtube video (melanie tonia Evans is good) and reading her extracts about his to spot abusers and what they are.

However,considering many abused women (which is what she is) finally only click that he doesnt love them when they realise he is cheating, I would of course tell her about that too.

I would fight tooth and nail to remove that man from her life. But you need to lead by example and remove him from yours too.

I would also publically shame him, personally.

Why the presumption that the poor woman isn't already fully aware of what a narcissist is???? Just because she's of an older generation doesn't mean she's dumb! If I tried to 'teach' my mother anything, I'd get a slap across the face and a finger pointed at me

Blimey, the number of people on this thread wanting to enable abuse .

Hi OP this sounds really tricky, do you think your Mum is actively considering life without him? Are there any dynamics that work here for her? Cultural considerations that might make it hard to leave?
It might be worth starting a conversation with asking how happy with her life she is. It could be that since she's started working she's started the process of distancing and preparing herself for an independent future. If she expresses unhappiness or a desire to change everything possibly you could introduce what you've learned.
However if she makes it clear that she's comfortable enough with her marriage and situation you could keep it to yourself and make it clear that should that ever change she has your full support. Either way encouraging her to know as much as possible about their joint finances would be well worth doing.
Whatever you decide upon you must protect your own mental health as it sounds as if you and your siblings have been raised in a very stressful atmosphere. Your parents decisions aren't your cross to bear. You can support your Mum and build a healthy, happy life for yourself. All the best to you.

Talk to her. Ask if she would want to know.

Tell her it's ok either way and she can take as long as she wants to decide

Absolutely tell your mum straight away. There's no excuse not to.

Thank you for your reply and yes cultural considerations could make it difficult but she has expressed to me multiple times that if she finds out he is up to something she wants him out. I know that there's the possibility of her staying with him and if he does come back to the house then I will just leave. I can't sacrifice my mental health any longer. I am going to do as much research as possible in terms of divorce and gather as much evidence and then tell her what I have found out. I just want to be prepared as much as possible.

My dad co fided in me that he was cheating on my mother and made me promise not to tell her. After 2 excruciating weeks and half a stone weight loss my sister guessed and we went and told me mother together. Well my sister told her as I couldn’t say the words they would end her 40 year marriage. I feel for you. My dad is also a narcissist. It did end their marriage and my mother is much happier. Good luck xxx