I avoid my ds | Mumsnet

KinseyWinsey · 2021-05-16T13:06:43+00:00

He's 16. He's really unpleasant. Always complaining about all kinds of stuff like the wrong porridge oats, chocolate spread running out (mostly because he eats it all), that we won't ferry him here there and everywhere at all times of the day. Etc. Slamming doors around the house and kitchen cupboard doors. I can't wait for him to leave home except he's now messed up his GCSEs so I don't expect he'll be leaving home for years. I guess unpleasant people are born into the world every day. Just because he's my som doesn't mean I have to like him.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/05/2021 14:10

What are the consequences for his horrible behaviour? Has he ever had any?

AnyFucker · 16/05/2021 14:14

Both my kids were pretty unpleasant at this age. We spent a lot of time in different parts of the house at different times.

They have both flown the nest now but we see more of them than ever and get on great

Be patient, it turns around if you can just hang on for a few years

RogueMNerKnowsNoShame · 16/05/2021 14:14

It doesn’t. And just because you’re his mother, nor does he have to like you.

What a vile thing to write about your child
Poor kid

Longdistance · 16/05/2021 14:16

Switch the internet password to something else.
Does he do anything around the house? Washing up, cooking, hoovering, cleaning the bathroom?
He’s in for a shock in the real world.

Karmalady · 16/05/2021 14:16

To be honest, he sounds like a very normal teenager. They are all hormones and no brains or manners at that age...but they usually, thankfully, grow out of it.

I’m long past dealing with that now, but it’s the grandchildren’s turn now.🙄

Just lay down certain rules, don’t sweat the small stuff and wait for it to pass is my advice.

breathhold · 16/05/2021 14:18

He's 16. Its a difficult age. School is difficult and the lockdown has been rough on kids his age.

Could you give him a budget and invite him to buy his own food with it, and cook it too? Be useful preparation for when he does move out and will support his growing independence.

Original poster

KinseyWinsey · 16/05/2021 14:23

@rogueMNerknowsnoshame, I'm certain he doesn't like me either judging by the amount of times he tells me to fuck off because I won't pick him up past curfew. (We aren't in the U.K.)

And he certainly doesn't like the way I tell him off for smashing things in anger or breaking down a door when I've told him he can't train with his weights after midnight because it's noisy and wakes the other kids.

Poor child. He really suffers.

OP posts:

TeeBee · 16/05/2021 14:29

Oh teenagers can be utterly hideous. Mine went through a stage like this, god it's wearing! I used to say 'Are things not exactly to your liking Little Lord Fauntleroy?' Honestly, the best approach is ignore, ignore, ignore and get him to be more self-sufficient. There's no reason they can't cook their own food or add things to the shopping list at this age. Then THEY are responsible if things run out. I've found when mine got just a few months older and realised that I really am there when he needs something (not just run out of chocolate spread but really in the shit), they become a little more respectful. It really does require playing hardball for a while. If something has run out, pop the money on the side and say 'feel free to pop and get some' and walk away. They do come out the other side if you can refrain from strangling them in their sleep.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 16/05/2021 14:34

I hear you OP and I agree with you. But you're gonna get a lot of abuse from mumsnetters who think darling ickle teenagers are just misunderstood.

Many of them are totally obnoxious and unpleasant and I don't blame the parents for not liking them one bit.

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 16/05/2021 14:43

Soooo happy I have just read this after my 13 year old just spoke to me like shit!

It is hormones. I remind my DD that she is the child and speaking to me like crap won't get her anywhere apart from me stop listening.

I am finding it hard at the moment to parent her. Teenage hormones is one thing but her dad committed suicide a few months ago. Not totally sure what is grief or just normal teenage stuff.

My advice is to just say 'its happening'
Or when they moan about something just say 'ok'
Don't argue, shout or engage with bad attitude. Since I have done that things are more pleasant for her and the rest of family.

Moonshine11 · 16/05/2021 14:45

Teenage years are hard but I would hate to have thought my mum couldn’t wait for me to leave home and to say she doesn’t like me.

Sakurami · 16/05/2021 14:49

Hey op. This is quite normal teenage behaviour. It's a mix of their brains going a bit weird as they're growing up as well as having lots of pressure and taking it out on the ones closest to them.

It's temporary and they will grow out of it. You need to do some research online about how to manage it and be the bigger person.

Potentially your other 3 may follow suit.

ZednotZee · 16/05/2021 14:51

OP my fifteen and a half year old DS is exactly the the same. I could've written your post myself.
I was googling signs of psychiatric disorders in teens the other night as I was so worried about his behaviour.

He has a big, booming voice and shouts his head off if he gets frustrated, scaring the small DC. He broke his bedroom door in a fit of anger and threw a clothes airer down the stairs in a fit of rage.

I'm at the end of my tether and don't really like him much right now, thankfully he spends the majority of his time either in school or at home.

He can be nice but only if he wants something usually.

No judgement here, just solidarity.

MightNeedABiggerGlass · 16/05/2021 14:51

I hear you OP, my 16 year is horrendous at the moment.

I am fed up of being told, to make him do stuff - how the hell do you make a 6' 2" hormonal teenager do something?

I love him dearly but I don't like him, it's affecting my mental health to be honest.

Cowbells · 16/05/2021 14:55

I believe in mimicking them. If he keeps you awake late at night weight training, put on very loud music and vacuum the landing outside his room, and then into his room at 6.30 am. When he rages say, yes, it was unreasonable. I disturbed your sleep and you have every right to be angry. Just like I have when you disturb our sleep. Can we agree to respect each other's need for sleep at different times and both be quiet and thoughtful?

If he needs a lift after curfew, ensure he has enough allowance saved, or has a weekend job so he can afford an Uber. I would sometimes offer to pay for an Uber for DC to come back late from parties, but sometimes ask them to fund themselves. So, show you are concerned about him without being his slave.

If he bangs and storms around, mimic the behaviour and ask how he'd feel if every time he asked you to buy more chocolate spread you slammed and kicked doors and told him to eff off? If he would find it embarrassing or worrying then he gets to see why you don;t like it either. Basically, you have to teach them empathy because their brains are switched off to it at that age.

Tomyoneandonly · 16/05/2021 15:19

It's so easy to allow dislike in to any family home. Why though? I'm not seeing a reason for it. He doesn't sound naughty or disturbing. He annoys you and therefore you don't like him. Sorry op I don't believe you. This young boy needs you. Not to shout or for you to put him down. He needs kindness and someone who can deal with his teenage hormones. He will say things and not really understand how it makes you feel he will or some teenagers do slam doors. He needs a calm environment and for you to show him everything is OK always. I think you sound stressed? It OK. I miss my sons. I've also got one boy doing his so called gcses or the tests. It is hard. Its effected everyone and all the children who are leaving school this year its even harder as they haven't had the classroom time as normal. Just calm down op. I'm sure you have a lovely ds.

PickingUsernameStruggles · 16/05/2021 15:20

Kick him out? He will likely go into supported housing. He is 16, they won't leave him on the streets.
I was kicked out in year 11 of secondary school at 16. I went into a private houseshare and then a council flat, although was a blip in system as I should've gone into supported housing when I approached council. I was kicked out at 16, due to mothers ill mental health but it was really good for me. You want him to leave and quite frankly I would struggle to live with someone like that too.

Keepithidden · 16/05/2021 15:21

It's okay OP, I haven't got to the stage of avoiding DCs yet, but expect it to arrive soon! In the meantime I just avoid DW.

Moonshine11 · 16/05/2021 15:22

Please don’t kick him out

Tomyoneandonly · 16/05/2021 15:24

I believe if you rise to the energy you are feeding it. That creates a lot of tension. Be calm always and be there to hold his hand regardless.

Chocoqueen · 16/05/2021 15:30

@Tomyoneandonly

It's so easy to allow dislike in to any family home. Why though? I'm not seeing a reason for it. He doesn't sound naughty or disturbing. He annoys you and therefore you don't like him. Sorry op I don't believe you. This young boy needs you. Not to shout or for you to put him down. He needs kindness and someone who can deal with his teenage hormones. He will say things and not really understand how it makes you feel he will or some teenagers do slam doors. He needs a calm environment and for you to show him everything is OK always. I think you sound stressed? It OK. I miss my sons. I've also got one boy doing his so called gcses or the tests. It is hard. Its effected everyone and all the children who are leaving school this year its even harder as they haven't had the classroom time as normal. Just calm down op. I'm sure you have a lovely ds.

The OP has literally said he swears at her for not picking him up, smashes things in anger and has broken a door down.... not entirely sure what you'd class as 'naughty' or 'disturbing' if not that??

No advice OP but I feel for you!

RantyAnty · 16/05/2021 15:35

Has he ever had any consequences?

Is his father around?

sunnyzweibrucken · 16/05/2021 15:35

I find it so strange that people consider this normal behaviour from teens. I was not like this at all and neither was my daughter. I know a lot of teens that aren’t like this at all. I do have friends who have teens like this and I thank my stars that they aren’t mine. I feel for you OP as I wouldn’t be able to put up with that behaviour and I wouldn’t like my child during this so called teen phase either.

nixonten · 16/05/2021 15:50

There are some low standards showing here.
It is not normal
It should not be excused or tolerated.

Tomyoneandonly · 16/05/2021 15:52

So what he swears. Or shouts or slam doors. The fact is if you act like him in return it will be a constant cycle of disappointment. I've had 3 ds and only one was similar. He slammed the door on me loads I sat outside his room asking if he was OK. This child went on to earn £4000pm owning his own home at the age of 22. I do understand op situation I know that only op can stop the confrontation,aggression,and or violent behaviour. I know what I'm saying to be true.