Is this rude behaviour?

[FlutterButter]

My husband is a sulker. He’s always found it hard I communicate but I’m finding his behaviour lately rude and disrespectful. I’m made to feel I’m making a fuss about nothing when I try and approach it. Examples of his behaviour are:

• ignoring me when I’m talking to him. I quite often have to repeat my question to get a response.
• when I do get a response, it’s a brief response like he really can’t be bothered
• rolling his eyes or looking away if I try and push a conversation when he can’t be bothered to talk
• muttering under his breath at me when he’s fed up with me about something
• sulking off after an argument and giving me the silent treatment. Happened again last night when I picked him up on being rude to me again. He’ll hide away in the spare room and waits for me to go to bed before going downstairs so he doesn’t have to talk to me

These are regular things and it makes me feel so worthless.

He’s so passive aggressive. He’d been out all day yesterday with my son. He normally does the food shop and cooks and hadn’t told me he was only going to cook food last night for him and my son. But rather than telling me, he comes home and says ‘I’m assuming you’ve both eaten’. When I said no because I didn’t know he was only getting food for them both, he starts scoffing and muttering under his breath. Feels like I’m constantly having to read his mind. If he’d called to say, I would have gone ahead and eaten.

So am I making a fuss about nothing? Feel like I’m going mad :(

Why are you with this man? He sounds selfish and miserable. Is there anything you like about him?

Very rude and hurtful op!
Why wouldn’t he make dinner for you all!?
I couldn’t be arsed with the eye rolling and muttering.
You need to be really straight with him, no matter if he goes off to sulk or not, how draining and upsetting it is for you.
You shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells in your house or relationship

Feels like we go round in circles when we do talk about it. I honestly don’t know if he thinks he’s doing anything wrong.

I’ve had some therapy to try and manage my response to his behaviour (my mood is really impacted by whatever mood he’s in and I hate that). It’s been going on for years. But I somehow end up being the bad person when I raise it and I’m the one that ends up feeling guilty for saying anything. Seriously don’t know what to do.

Can you separate?

Divorce him, he’s the problem here not you or your response to his shit behaviour

You only get one life. Don’t waste yours.

I have thought about separating. But always question if I’m being paranoid about how bad things are. Though deep down I guess I know this isn’t how a relationship should be.

He sounds grumpy and like he's not happy. You sound frustrated and unhappy.

It's hard when you have kids. It killed my relationship off if I'm honest. After our second child everything became abit negative. Not nasty or anything. Just moaning. Whinging. Seemed to just be dealing with the kids and stuff.

What is your sex life like? Your conversations? Do you enjoy his company at all? I felt when my relationship was doomed like all of it was gone. The spark. The chemistry. The humour. The conversation. Sex! Everything.

I think it's a case of making a cup of tea. Sitting down when you are both able to speak. Have a heart to heart. If he won't listen, meet you halfway and agree to some changes then ask yourself if this is what you want.

Parenting and the slog of life is hard work. But it can be worked on. I feel your pain though. It's so hard when things go like this.

Good luck x

I dont normally do the LTB thing but this sounds a horrible situation to be in. Sit and think for a while and maybe realise this isn't the life for you. Why have YOU had therapy to help the situation when it clearly is your crappy husbands responses that have caused the problem. Why is HE in therapy. I have very low tolerance to being treated like this and have left relationships like this immediately as I know they only get worse and not better.

*sorry why isn't HE in therapy should have said

You're flogging a dead horse.

He's not giving you any reassurance or awareness. He's not apologising, he's not sorry, he's content to treat you like this. It won't change. You will change. Either therapy helps you find more clarity and self esteem and you realise you deserve much more or you continue to retreat into yourself because you can never quite workout where you stand with him and can't trust him to think of you as someone who deserves to be thought of or considered.

Do you ever have the passive aggressive treatment and not know what you did wrong? I was in a similar position and often found I was crying myself to sleep because it never made sense for him to be so dramatic or I just didn't have a clue what I had done. I'm just curious if you get that too.

I have asked him to get help as he’s agreed he as depression. I guess that’s why I’ve stayed. But now I’ve been asking myself whether having depression is a good enough reason to treat the person you’re supposed to love like this. And he won’t get help for it. Just turns to drinking too much. We may also be adding to the mood swings.

When he’s happy, things are ok. But there’s no affection in this relationship whatsoever.

Writing it out makes me realise how bad things have got. I’m waiting in the hope things will change but think I’m probably kidding myself.

Do you ever have the passive aggressive treatment and not know what you did wrong?

Yes, but it’s very subtle which is why I start doubting myself. Like the other evening when I was asking questions about some work we’re having done to the house. He ignored me, then just grunted and when I asked again, rolled his eyes and looked away.

It’s like a bullet through the heart every time he does it. I wasn’t even asking a difficult question.

Things will only change for the worse if you stay.

Depression or not his behaviour is abusive. That doesn't require him to be a monster to be true just for his behaviour to be abusive, which it is.

Sounds like an abusive man, reg flags all the way through this OP.

I bet you walk on egg shells all the time, that is a massive red flag

Sulking and silent treatment is also abusive

He won't change, you can't change him

Leave and be free!

How old is he, 16? Tell him to get a grip and grow up! He’s being emotionally abusive. He either needs to get help or face the consequences that you will walk.

He does sound a bit of a pain but I am interested in why he is normally the one who does the food shop and cooking and you assume he will do it even if he has been out all day? Was he expecting you to do it and a bit miffed because you assumed he would cook? Maybe there is a bit of mis communication there and he is feeling a bit taken for granted too? Not excusing the rudeness but I think if I had been at home all day and my husband came home I would not expect him to cook for me. Do you have another child other than your son that you were looking after while they were out?

Ultimately if you can't communicate then you might be better off separating. Are you financially dependent on him?

You're being emotionally abused by your H and he does this too because he can. Sulking is an example of emotionally abusive behaviour and from that I would think you are walking on eggshells constantly around him. He is depressed because he is angry, not because he is depressed.

You can only save your own self here by firming up plans to leave him. Think a lot more about separating.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did your dad treat your mum like this?.

He's an arsehole. And it's you going for thetespy?

My parents have a really loving relationship. They had arguments but always loving. They still are 50 years on.

Sounds like his parents had a strained relationship. They seemed to live separate lives. I wondered whether it’s learnt behaviour.

He does most of the cooking. His choice because apparently he’s better at it (according to him). He says it’s because he’s fussy about food. I do cook for me and the kids in the week sometimes as he gets home late. But weekends he cooks normally.

Exactly the same behaviour as my STBXH, I had 28 yes of this thinking it was me. It eroded my self confidence and at times I felt I was going mad. My nerves were constantly on edge. Took one session with relate to be told I was in an abusive relationship, that's the confirmation I needed to leave. I honestly thought it was the behaviour of a normal husband and it was my inability to be married. Please see this for what it is, I promise over time it ramps up and could escalate into further areas of abuse as my marriage did unfortunately to sexual abuse. YOU deserve better and yr children deserve to witness respect towards their mother.

I’m not financially dependent on him. I earn more. Part of me wonders if that’s why he sticks around. He’s here for the kids, nice house etc. Not to be with me although he says that’s not true. Actions speak louder than words though.

"Sounds like his parents had a strained relationship. They seemed to live separate lives. I wondered whether it’s learnt behaviour".

It is learnt behaviour.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here still by this man?.

Where do you see yourself in say 12 months time; still with him in this same position?.