Is this rude behaviour?

[FlutterButter]

My husband is a sulker. He’s always found it hard I communicate but I’m finding his behaviour lately rude and disrespectful. I’m made to feel I’m making a fuss about nothing when I try and approach it. Examples of his behaviour are:

• ignoring me when I’m talking to him. I quite often have to repeat my question to get a response.
• when I do get a response, it’s a brief response like he really can’t be bothered
• rolling his eyes or looking away if I try and push a conversation when he can’t be bothered to talk
• muttering under his breath at me when he’s fed up with me about something
• sulking off after an argument and giving me the silent treatment. Happened again last night when I picked him up on being rude to me again. He’ll hide away in the spare room and waits for me to go to bed before going downstairs so he doesn’t have to talk to me

These are regular things and it makes me feel so worthless.

He’s so passive aggressive. He’d been out all day yesterday with my son. He normally does the food shop and cooks and hadn’t told me he was only going to cook food last night for him and my son. But rather than telling me, he comes home and says ‘I’m assuming you’ve both eaten’. When I said no because I didn’t know he was only getting food for them both, he starts scoffing and muttering under his breath. Feels like I’m constantly having to read his mind. If he’d called to say, I would have gone ahead and eaten.

So am I making a fuss about nothing? Feel like I’m going mad :(

*ignoring me when I’m talking to him. I quite often have to repeat my question to get a response.

• when I do get a response, it’s a brief response like he really can’t be bothered
• rolling his eyes or looking away if I try and push a conversation when he can’t be bothered to talk
• muttering under his breath at me when he’s fed up with me about something
• sulking off after an argument and giving me the silent treatment. Happened again last night when I picked him up on being rude to me again. He’ll hide away in the spare room and waits for me to go to bed before going downstairs so he doesn’t have to talk to me*

It's easy to get used to this behaviour, especially if it creeps up, but if this is what he's like regularly then the rot has really set in. The way he's behaving is openly disrespectful and he treats you with disdain. There isn't affection either nor any will or action to change. It's unbelievable that he's so openly rude but then again he has no filter because there are no real consequences for him - the fact that you feel hurt, sad or angry isn't a consequence of importance to him, sadly. People like these only change when something they want it taken away from them - in this case you and the kids.

It's not loving, is it and you know that. It's the sort of behaviour I would expect from a misogynistic or sexist man who calls his partner 'The Wife' and says she's a nag.

Enough is enough if I was having to post on the Internet about how I was treated. Not that that is a bad thing, but the fact he has you querying whether or not he's behaving badly is

Dear OP my heart is with you today. I know exactly how you feel as I was in a similar relationship (still am) for 26 years. The problem with these is that the things are subtle, no physical abuse, no cheating, no yelling and screaming and so you feel like there is something wring with you. You question your own sanity and you think, this is not good enough reason to break the relationship. But it is.
My STBX is similar. It was not until I started going to therapy that things finally cleared up for me. I learned that what I am getting is emotional and financial abuse, that my DH is passive aggressive, that he has narcissistic traits. This was slowly but surely damaging my self esteem, my sanity and eventually killed my love the man. When few weeks ago I told him I want a divorce he was shocked. Could not believe it. He said, he did not think the situation was so bad. Well, it was not bad for him, it was bad for me, and he would know if he were listening. I cannot do it any more. I may never have another man in my life. All I want is some piece and quiet, to do what I want and how I want it and not have someone judge me all the way, pick at me, tell me what I can and cannot do. Sadly he tells me he loves me, but he does not.

You shouldn't need therapy to be able to cope with being with a bloke.

Split up with him.

He is appallingly rude and I'd be seeing a solicitor and filing for divorce.

Why on earth would you share a home with someone who was this unpleasant? Your home should be a happy, safe place where you can relax from the stresses of the world. Yours sound utterly miserable. For both you and your son, frankly.

The problem with these is that the things are subtle, no physical abuse, no cheating, no yelling and screaming and so you feel like there is something wring with you.

This sums it up really. I honestly think it would be easier if he’d cheated or something less subtle. I’m frustrated that I can’t think rationally about this but I’m just made to think I’m making a fuss about nothing. And it’s hard not to believe it. I really think he doesn’t see anything wrong with his behaviour or he doesn’t think it’s that bad.

I reached out to Relate. Not that much help to be honest. Just advice on communication. Think we’re beyond that. It takes 2 to want to fix communication problems. I’m still getting the silent treatment apart from a few grunts. I’ve given up trying now :-(

Why not see a solicitor and look forward to a life unburdened from that piece of shit? Get to a point where you don’t even notice his attempts to abuse you, because he’s so irrelevant to your life, and count down the months till the divorce goes through. Being made to live in a house where there’s emotional abuse like this, as a kid, destroys them for life. I speak from experience.

Yes, totally understand you and you are right, I am sure you DH is not doing this on purpose, this is simply how he communicates, but that does not mean that you should put up with it. You see, it does not matter what he is doing, what matters is how this makes you feel. If you are not happy, not satisfied with this relationship and you feel you did all you could to make it work, then this is it. I suggest you do some counseling as this will help you see clearly what is going on, label certain behaviors, and make your own decision.

I spent years putting up with it thinking, oh this is not bad enough, but one day I thought, enough is enough. I do not want to walk on eggshells just to keep the appearance of a harmony in my home, I do not want to spend half on my life waiting for him to end the silent treatment he was "punishing" me with, I do not want to get an anxiety attack every time I have an important thing to discuss with my husband because I know he will object to it and start arguing with me. This is MY life. I choose this man to be my husband, to love and to cherish me. His job is to love and to cherish me and he is not doing a good job!!!!! I matter, my feelings matter, my needs matter.

My STBX is now walking around the house like a wounded animal, like he is the victim, like I did something to him. I mean these people never learn. After I told him I wanted a divorce he never once said he was sorry for how he made me feel, or whatever. He still thinks that there is nothing wrong with him.

I am sorry about my ranting. We are separating but still living under the same roof and this is driving me crazy. Couple more months, I hope no longer and I will be free, finally. I wish you the same my friend. Remember, you deserve to be happy.

Another one here with a STBXH who just wouldn't listen to me. Tried talking to him so so many times. When I did eventually tell him I wanted to split and why, he was surprised!
It's difficult to see something for what it really is when you are in the middle of it, living it. And I think that goes both ways. He doesn't see the damage he is doing.
Now you have recognised the issues and have taken this step (to post) to question it, hopefully it will open your eyes and start the process to ending it.

@Flutterbutter, you've given up trying. You've tried for so long and so hard.

You've really tried.

And to be honest, nobody should have to try to so hard.

You sound miserable and defeated. It's wearing you down. So sorry.

I hope you can find a way to being happy again.

Nobody deserves the way he's treating you.

DB does this to our family when we visit. Not the silent treatment or sulking - in fact he’s often the first one to apologise after a while. But the refusal to answer a simple question, the contempt, the feeling of walking on eggshells when you have to ask him something - those I understand. I only see him occasionally and it’s stressful.
He has never married - I don’t know why - he says himself he would not be a good husband.

He sounds very unhappy too. I spent years with my husband in this horrible situation. i used to wish he would leave, i used to ask him or sometimes just scream at him to just bloody leave. He constantly seemed angry with me, eye rolling, the elaborate biting of his tongue as though he was the one stopping an argument almost martyr like. He never used to speak to me, if i spoke he just used to make this hmmm noise which was so f/£)king rude. I used to say to my friends that i was his least favourite person in the whole world and hes so nice to everyone other than me. Long and short of it was something bad happened which forced us to be 100% honest for the first time. I remember saying if i have a choice of who i want to be with its you, i choose you which is why i'm still here hoping that one day things will get better. And i listed the reasons why it was him i choose, i told him all the things i like and love about him. BUT i said all i have ever wanted and wished for is for you to be nice to me and treat me like your number one. Seriously no word of a lie he has never been mean to me again. He said he had felt so shit about himself and our relationship for years, It turned out he knew he didn't make me happy, thought i disliked him (which is true I actually couldn't stand him most of the time) so we were in this big circle of resentment and blame. He blamed me and i blamed him. 2/3 years on we are blissfully happy we didn't have councelling we just reset and are just nice to each other.

Op not saying this could happen for you but just another perspective.

In addition to above we had tried many times to sit down and talk it out but that just involved me telling him the things i disliked about him, the things he was doing to make me miserable and he'd do the same and we'd leave those conversations even more resentfu. The difference came when i told him the things i liked/loved about him and the positives in our relationship and he did the same. We listed the reasons we wanted to save our relationship and we focused on those xxx

What an awful atmosphere and your child/ren to live in, @FlutterButter. There doesn't seem to be anything positive in this relationship apart from your DC. If I were you I'd take stock of how you'd manage financially if you were to physically split. Make quiet (ie don't tell him) research of your finances AND his and have a conversation with a solicitor to get your ducks in a row in case you decide this situation is intolerable for the future. At least you'd have an idea of how you'd manage without him even if, for whatever reason, you decided to stay for a while longer.

You might also want to read the threads by Jamaisjedor who split from her stonewalling, sulking, manipulative husband. I think she's onto her fifth thread now and hopefully her divorce will finally proceed this year. Fingers crossed! 🌹

@FlutterButter I have just separated from my partner of 20 years . The last 10 were as you describe. His drinking and subsequent mood swings caused him to lose his job which in turn made the depression worse . I tried everything I could but in the nothing was right in his world. He attacked our teenage son after drinking, the police were involved and that was the final straw. He still tells people I just didn’t understand depression. If you want to save the relationship tell your husband he needs to engage with any treatments or therapy offered. I would quietly start putting plans in place in case you do separate. Good luck . I feel for you OP.

So he’s come home from work today after days of giving me the silent treatment and acting as everything is ok and back to talking to me again.

This is the cycle I can’t stand. I’m meant to forget that he’s been treating me like rubbish for the last few days and smile happily and make conversation. I normally do. But I’m exhausted by it this time.

Each time he does this, it gives me a glimpse of what he used to be like. And I hope each time this will be the time it changes.

I know it won’t be :-(

He treats you like this because he can. You might try to talk to him about it but that’s all part of it for him. He ignores you, you get upset, he decides he feels better again... rinse and repeat.

He believes this pattern is completely acceptable and probably (in his mind) normal in a long term relationship.

There is no easy answer but talking about it together isn’t going to work at this stage. It’s way too ingrained for him.

Without insight he will never change.
Welcome to the rest of your life.
You must find the courage to leave the familiarity of this abuse.

This isn't about him; this is about you and the decisions and choices you should be making. A running commentary on his behaviour is diverting you from your focus. You know how bad it is, you have the upper hand financially, so make a decision.

OP understand exactly it's very difficult living like this and you hope that each time ot will be the last and when back to being normal that's it for good. It's draining & upsetting my DH does the same

Have you asked him why he's acting like he hasn't been treating you like shit the last few days?