My husband has been depressed since we got married four years ago.
Context: We moved together to a different city (not far—about a 1 hour and 15 mins drive from hour hometown) because we both found jobs there. Finding jobs in our hometown is nearly impossible. I insisted on moving, but he wanted to drive back and forth every day. In fact, he had been doing that for a few months before we moved and said he was happy. I thought if we moved we would have better quality of life, specially me since I hate traffic. He likes living in our hometown where he has a social life, which isn't really the case in the new city. He was depressed and unhappy about our arrangement already before the pandemic, and I had a plan to get our social life going here. But then covid happened, and it has taken a toll on his emotional health too.
We had some savings and I suggested we buy an apartment. He agreed, and we bought the one I liked the most, I'll admit it (he didn't fight me on that).
Then we hired someone to renovate the apartment and got scammed and lost a significant sum of money, and he blames that on us/ on himself, says we let ourselves get played and that it's a disappointment that will linger with us all life. He regrets that we lost all the money he earned when he was single and never invested on himself.
Now he wishes he could go back and not move to the city like I wanted, not buy the apartment like I wanted, and not hire the conman who scammed us, which was also my suggestion unfortunately, because all those decisions have made him nothing but miserable.
He told me that he is sad, he feels isolated and alone, unfulfilled and like a failure. He hates our life as it is. He has no visions of a promising future. He has nothing but responsibilities to look forward to. Nothing in our life has been "designed" by him and he doesn't feel involved. He feels like his needs and desires are not taken into consideration ever by me. From what he says, I think he feels like he's living someone else's life.
He says we were in love before, we were friends. Now we're not. It's only dealing with ugly stuff and responsibilities. But I don't have that feeling at all?? Sure, we've been dealing with some difficult stuff, but we're managing well. And we are affectionate and happy usually.
I am absolutely broken since he confessed all of this. What the hell have I been working so hard for? For what then have I sacrificed the best years of my life? I have been so invested on us that I think I lost myself. I thought it was something we both wanted. He always wanted to have babies. I envisioned a family together, a confortable life, but only if we are going to be a team. Only if he wants that too himself. I think about all the opportunities I let go because of what I thought was OUR project, only to find that our life together as it is is killing him. And I would never look back if were really achieving all that, happiness, a good life, but we're not.
I love him with all my heart. I want him to be happy and fulfilled and the last thing I want is to be the reason he's the opposite of that, and I told him. How have I forced this boring existence on him, all along thinking I was giving him what he wanted? I am so confused and in so much pain at the moment I can hardly breathe.
I agree that I can be stubborn when I know what I want, and he bends over backwards to please me. I can tell that his love for me is strained. Lately, everything I do is wrong, or annoying, or hurtful. I try and try to be the best version of myself but I just can't get it right. Which makes me think that the real issue is not depression but the fact that we are incompatible. Or maybe he has fallen out of love with me to the point he can't stand me, and fighting feelings of guilt. Both ideas are unbearable. He says he loves me very much, but perhaps he hasn't realised yet that he doesn't, or is it my anxiety playing games???
I am crossing fingers that some of you give me some hope, any hope, because this is the man I love and want to have a family with.
Thanks a lot.