Is it his depression or has he had enough of married life?

[HighEdge]

My husband has been depressed since we got married four years ago.

Context: We moved together to a different city (not far—about a 1 hour and 15 mins drive from hour hometown) because we both found jobs there. Finding jobs in our hometown is nearly impossible. I insisted on moving, but he wanted to drive back and forth every day. In fact, he had been doing that for a few months before we moved and said he was happy. I thought if we moved we would have better quality of life, specially me since I hate traffic. He likes living in our hometown where he has a social life, which isn't really the case in the new city. He was depressed and unhappy about our arrangement already before the pandemic, and I had a plan to get our social life going here. But then covid happened, and it has taken a toll on his emotional health too.

We had some savings and I suggested we buy an apartment. He agreed, and we bought the one I liked the most, I'll admit it (he didn't fight me on that).

Then we hired someone to renovate the apartment and got scammed and lost a significant sum of money, and he blames that on us/ on himself, says we let ourselves get played and that it's a disappointment that will linger with us all life. He regrets that we lost all the money he earned when he was single and never invested on himself.

Now he wishes he could go back and not move to the city like I wanted, not buy the apartment like I wanted, and not hire the conman who scammed us, which was also my suggestion unfortunately, because all those decisions have made him nothing but miserable.

He told me that he is sad, he feels isolated and alone, unfulfilled and like a failure. He hates our life as it is. He has no visions of a promising future. He has nothing but responsibilities to look forward to. Nothing in our life has been "designed" by him and he doesn't feel involved. He feels like his needs and desires are not taken into consideration ever by me. From what he says, I think he feels like he's living someone else's life.

He says we were in love before, we were friends. Now we're not. It's only dealing with ugly stuff and responsibilities. But I don't have that feeling at all?? Sure, we've been dealing with some difficult stuff, but we're managing well. And we are affectionate and happy usually.

I am absolutely broken since he confessed all of this. What the hell have I been working so hard for? For what then have I sacrificed the best years of my life? I have been so invested on us that I think I lost myself. I thought it was something we both wanted. He always wanted to have babies. I envisioned a family together, a confortable life, but only if we are going to be a team. Only if he wants that too himself. I think about all the opportunities I let go because of what I thought was OUR project, only to find that our life together as it is is killing him. And I would never look back if were really achieving all that, happiness, a good life, but we're not.

I love him with all my heart. I want him to be happy and fulfilled and the last thing I want is to be the reason he's the opposite of that, and I told him. How have I forced this boring existence on him, all along thinking I was giving him what he wanted? I am so confused and in so much pain at the moment I can hardly breathe.

I agree that I can be stubborn when I know what I want, and he bends over backwards to please me. I can tell that his love for me is strained. Lately, everything I do is wrong, or annoying, or hurtful. I try and try to be the best version of myself but I just can't get it right. Which makes me think that the real issue is not depression but the fact that we are incompatible. Or maybe he has fallen out of love with me to the point he can't stand me, and fighting feelings of guilt. Both ideas are unbearable. He says he loves me very much, but perhaps he hasn't realised yet that he doesn't, or is it my anxiety playing games???

I am crossing fingers that some of you give me some hope, any hope, because this is the man I love and want to have a family with.

Thanks a lot.

Sorry, that is a tough read.
Sounds a bit to me like, he has gone along with your ideas as it was the right thing to do at the time, but those ideas have not panned out and you are getting the blame, but he went along so the blame is equal really.
I have o really suggestions to help you, but good luck 🤞

There’s a thread on here about a man who refuses to make decisions especially financial ones. I suspect that if that OP does start making the decisions, she will be faced with a similar reaction from her partner ‘I went along with what you wanted and now I’m unhappy’. Your H can’t have it both ways, he can’t avoid taking responsibility and also blame you for him going along with your decisions.

I suspect moving back to your hometown won’t magically improve things because his low mood will be moving with him. Depression is an illness and it is treatable but he has to want to get well. Blaming you is another way of not taking responsibility for his actions and inactions. You pushing for a move, making the move and being scammed is part of the story but not the whole story and he is being disingenuous by suggesting it is. Funny how he’s resolute in not getting help but meh on the other decisions made while they were being made. This post modernist ‘I went along with things to make you happy to my detriment’ is bullshit.

People pleasing and reluctance to make decisions isn’t selfless and generous it’s a sign of poor confidence. Dressing it up as something positive and blaming the recipient for the consequences of their decision to ‘go along’ with things is a unique way of always being the hero and the victim. The hero when it goes right and the victim, when it doesn’t.

I have lived with someone who supposedly went along with things ‘wanting to make me happy’ and having it subsequently thrown in my face when it didn’t turn out like they wanted it to. He was so invested in being ‘seen as the caring, generous to a fault guy’ that it became a persona to distract himself from his deep seated fears. This only became years after our split.

Blaming yourself doesn’t fix things and doing everything that he wants doesn’t fix things either. At present he doesn’t want to accept that his depression is part of the problem rather than just a symptom of the problem. I suspect there are underlying problems outside of your current situation that he isn’t keen on addressing, things that have absolutely nothing to do with you but which negatively influences the way he responds to situations.

He’s the backseat driver by design not by accident, meaning you are dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. You have choices, you don’t have to accept that role.

I wouldn't even consider moving, and I would also be telling him that if he refuses to get help for himself, the marriage is over. Your husband is doing absolutely nothing to get better, he's not even trying, yet he has plenty of energy to lay all of the blame at your feet. Him not speaking up for himself and not being assertive about his needs is not your fault.

You can't fix him, so don't waste one minute trying.

I think that you would both benefit from relationship counselling. I think your DH should see his GP and get a referral for a proper mental health assessment. This has been a really tough year for everyone and I don't think you should make another big decision until you have at least made a start on the above strategies.
I think potential options will become clearer.

I agree with PP. If one partner is passive and doesn't communicate, it is unfair to blame the other partner for decisions they made with the best of intentions.

Minus the 'depression', my OH is just like this. He says he behaves in a certain way to make me happy, and it's all about me, and he's so selfless and nice, until he gets bored of it and starts stomping about like a big kid because 'he doesn't get to make any decisions' and yet the only reason I'm making those decisions is because he dithers and doesn't like making decisions, which totally boils my piss. Then I'm the 'nag', and he plays the 'wounded soldier', and around the merry-go-round goes again...

It's now our 'dynamic'. He's under the thumb, yet... he tries to 'top from the bottom'. His passive-aggressive shit is an attempted coup. But, haha, I'm wise to that, and say we'll settle it with wrestling, which surprisingly, he never wants to do. (Because I'll squash him with my titanium thighs).

Jokes aside, if your chap is depressed, then he needs to do something about it. It's not your job to 'fix' his depression. He can moan, or he can do something about it.

Maybe put your cards on the table and offer him a get out. If he wants to make an effort, maybe try to make some friends, start a hobby, manage his mood, great. Give it another six months where you are and after he's tried, if he's still unhappy, then you can move back.

The responsibility for how your relationship is now is not on you, it is 50/50.

If DH has not been communicating his needs effectively it's not your fault. It does sound as though DH is something of a "people pleaser", an unhealthy way to be in the world and something that will have almost definitely have developed in childhood. This is probably why he is now suffering with depression. I strongly feel that DH needs support from a therapist to develop his thinking and communication skills and to see why he is in the situation he is in.

If he doesn't want to do this there is of course no making him but if this is the case I would consider leaving this marriage OP. There needs to be a clear route out of the current situation and a desire to make changes. Moving house isn't going to fix your relationship.

So, moving to the new area in order to prevent having to do a 2 hour daily commute was forced on him by you? How awful for him. That was the sensible thing to do, now he blames you? You liked an apartment, he agreed to buy it. Now he says he doesn't like it? Poor him. He's bitter about getting scammed. Anyone would be. OP you sound extremely sensitive to his feelings and to me, it sounds like he's trying to pick fault with everything, even sensible decisions and blaming you for it. My sympathies for him are limited. I'd suggest marriage counselling and if he's not prepared to do that, walk away. So now, you've got to drive 2 hours to work and back every day, so he can live in the original town, or he'll be unhappy? That sounds pretty selfish to me.

There is a lot of “I” in that post.

He sounds like he has zero bollocks to me. If he didn’t want to move he should have said.

Hey thanks everyone. It was very helpful to read different takes on the matter and most of the replies I got made me reflect upon our situation from a different perspective.

Those of you who suggested he should get help—I agree wholeheartedly and I am trying to let him know as compassionately and gently as I can.

I also agree that one is responsible for making one's needs and boundaries clear, although I'm doing some soul searching right now and trying to find out if I really created a safe space for communication when we were discussing these topics.

@FifteenToes your post was particularly helpful. Sorry to hear things didn't end up well between you two. I see many similarities, yes, but you say that every time you went "round and round and back and forth" without reaching an agreement. That's the thing—we haven't gone round and round with anything really, or at least I don't think we have. We didn't have fights or heated debates or intense never-ending conversations about these decisions. I think the way we communicate is very different and he does not state his opinion as strongly or decissively as I do. He will just say what he thinks when the topic is raised and won't insist further. So one area of improvement for me is probably to learn to listen to him better. I need to bear in mind that that the fact that he does not want to get into a debate doesn't mean he wants to go along with my decisions.

@oober: that made me chuckle haha. Glad to see you and your hubby can have a laugh about it. And thanks for the great advice too. I completely agree that to recover from depression you need to make the effort to get help or at least change some habits. I am not under the illusion that I can do that for him, but God do I feel helpless. I would like to offer him my support without managing him.

I am still trying to figure out the best way to reach an arrangement that we were both comfortable with in every aspect—although no idea what that looks like yet. I will give it some more thought and will definitely come back to the thread.