Breaking NC

[nathanandfanny]

Ten year relationship ended 20 years ago. I was very much in love with fiancé but by the end he was gaslighting, cheating and stringing me along. It was traumatic and I went NC. I still have rejection dreams. He went on to marry and has 3 kids. I’ve had one relationship of 18 months, resulting in my adored son, but I’ve been single for the last seven years. Two or three times over the years my ex has emailed and asked if we can talk, which I ignore. He’s now written an actual letter saying I’m very important to him and can we be in contact. If I don’t write back I’ll feel childish but if I do, even to say no thanks, I’ll have had to break NC. I’m not sure what he wants from me (and I am pretty certain that he doesn’t feel the need to apologise). Any advice?

Don’t break NC, just block his emails and send them to spam.

20 years ago? What could there possibly be to talk about?? I would ignore

So he was an arsehole 20 years ago and despite you ignoring him in the intervening years he’s still persisting. That right there tells you enough about him, he’s still not listening.

Why the hell would it be childish not to react? Contact him if you want to but you owe this twat nothing. However, I suspect that he thinks that you’ve developed amnesia about his past behaviour, well enough to be open to his particular brand of ‘it wasn’t all bad and I still really like you’ bullshit. Urgh, avoid.

Your silence is bothering him. You have control of the situation here. Who knows what he wants? Maybe he's a changed person and wants to apologise. Maybe he's still the same old arsehole who doesn't like the fact you got away and wants to reassert his dominance. Either way, it's an old wound that doesn't need to be reopened and you gain nothing from acknowledging him - he can't undo what he did, and the twenty-year long consequences. Ignore. If you get another letter: return to sender. Keep him out of your life.

I’m sure his wife would be delighted he's trying to claw you back into his circle. As a PP said, what the fuck does he need to say after 20 years NC? I’d just assume he’s hopeful for an affair.

I agree with you all. Thanks

Do not respond in any way, shape or form. After 20 years there is nothing you need to hear from him. Ignore!

Stick to your guns.

He was an asshole, you owe him nothing.

Personally curiosity would probably get the better of me, especially if I never actually got over him

His motives though.... in reality, not likely to be good are they?

You have done so well to resist contact. However tempting it might be do not undo all your good work. All the power is with you at the moment. As soon as you break no contact you're handing that power to him. Imagine how awful you will feel if you respond and then he ignores you (until the next time he fancies getting in touch). I know it is highly tempting but curiosity killed the cat and you won't get the satisfaction to bring it back! Stay strong. Nothing like silence to bug a guy and show him you have moved on - which you have - remember that

Update - Hi all- I held out for five months and didn’t respond. In that time he liked every single post on my work twitter account and also approached an old friend (who I haven’t seen for ten years) and asked her to petition my sister (who she knows) and ask her to get her to talk to me! I wrote a brief message saying I hope you’re well but I prefer no contact (he replied are you sure we would si enjoy chatting after all this time!). Her persists liking my social media account. It is really getting me down. I feel bullied. I don’t know what he’s after.

So you now know he didn't contact you to apologize. Time to block i think.

can you block him from your social media?

Sex.

He's after sex.

I don’t want to block as it feels aggressive. I’ve worked so hard to end it politely so that I feel I have nothing to say abs nothing to apologise for. He’s not after sex as he lives in a different country.

He doesn’t seem to care what I want abs he’s not bothering to set out a case for overriding what I want.

You have answered your question. He has not changed and blocking is not an aggressive thing. It is a way to move forward without constant remainder

Dirty pictures and sexting then. 🤷‍♀️ Or an ego boost. I can shit all over her and she'll still come running 20 years later for a sniff of attention from me, captain superstud.

Why do you care how he sees blocking him?
Do you want him in your life?

I don’t want to block as it feels aggressive.

FFS, don't be such a doormat. You have asked him nicely to leave you alone and he refuses. Blocking him is totally appropriate. You desperately need to work on your boundaries.

I understand why it seems doormattish. But despite everything he was the biggest romantic love of my life (to date 🤞) and we shared a lot of good stuff as well as bad. If mattered to me thar I exited well having nothing to apologise for later and nothing left to say. Ultimately I want to leave this relationship saying I wish you well and thanks (which I have) and blocking feels aggressive and as if I’ve been provoked. I’ll think on it though. It may be the only way forward.

Also I don’t want to enable him to hurt his wife (as I was hurt by him myself). I wouldn’t want my husband so doggedly perusing an Ex.

@nathanandfanny

I don’t want to block as it feels aggressive. I’ve worked so hard to end it politely so that I feel I have nothing to say abs nothing to apologise for. He’s not after sex as he lives in a different country.

He's the one being aggressive. You've asked him not to contact you but he still is. Block him.

Ultimately I want to leave this relationship saying I wish you well and thanks (which I have) and blocking feels aggressive and as if I’ve been provoked.

What "relationship" are you talking about? You don't have one. This is the man who cheated on you and treated you terribly 20 years ago, he's nothing more. Now he's being shit to his wife and you are allowing it, and playing a part in it, by entertaining his contact.

This man is shit. He was twenty years ago, he still is today. Raise your standards.

You are being far too nice and giving a shit about his poor little feelings if you block him - why?

I understand its hard to let go of what sounds a very highly passionate relationship. Was it your first serious relationship? I found it very hard to move on from my first serious BF, and that only lasted 2 years, but now looking back I realise it was the drama I was sucked in by. I knew he was a shit, we both cheated, I was probably a shit as well. We were teenagers. I can forgive myself, and him, but I haven't heard from him or of him in nearly 30 years and that's what's helped me put it firmly in the past.

All the time this man has the means to contact you, you're giving him the power to fuck with your emotions. Block him and embrace the peace. 💐

Fucking hell, grow up and just block him - if you didn't want to be in contact you'd just block him which makes me think you're enjoying the drama. I feel sorry for his poor wife and kids