Breaking NC

[nathanandfanny]

Ten year relationship ended 20 years ago. I was very much in love with fiancé but by the end he was gaslighting, cheating and stringing me along. It was traumatic and I went NC. I still have rejection dreams. He went on to marry and has 3 kids. I’ve had one relationship of 18 months, resulting in my adored son, but I’ve been single for the last seven years. Two or three times over the years my ex has emailed and asked if we can talk, which I ignore. He’s now written an actual letter saying I’m very important to him and can we be in contact. If I don’t write back I’ll feel childish but if I do, even to say no thanks, I’ll have had to break NC. I’m not sure what he wants from me (and I am pretty certain that he doesn’t feel the need to apologise). Any advice?

if you didn't want to be in contact you'd just block him which makes me think you're enjoying the drama.

Agreed. I think you're liking the attention, op.

@nathanandfanny

Also I don’t want to enable him to hurt his wife (as I was hurt by him myself). I wouldn’t want my husband so doggedly perusing an Ex.

I understand but you are not responsible for his behaviour. The only person that you need to take care off is yourself! Block, heal and move on.

I find it distressing. All it has done is reinforce that I don’t want to talk to him

Ok I’ve got to look at blocking more dispassionately! Thanks alll

@nathanandfanny

I find it distressing. All it has done is reinforce that I don’t want to talk to him

Then block him, obviously. Why are you making this so dramatic and drawn out?

I think you’re being a bit unfair. I’ve had NC for 20 years despite several overtures on his part. I ignored his email and attempts at contact for five months and finally wrote a three line brief no thanks but wish you well note last week when he kept persisting. I thought that would be the end of it and I find the continued attention upsetting. Others have noticed and I’ve been asked if I’m depressed. I feel as if my personal space is being invaded. He has also started following some of my colleagues on twitter which is making me paranoid. . I don’t think he’s malicious, probably just using me to channel his mid life crisis. I am going to have to block. You’re right.

"I ignored his email and attempts at contact for five months and finally wrote a three line brief no thanks but wish you well note last week when he kept persisting. I thought that would be the end of it and I find the continued attention upsetting".

Your mistake here was replying to his message at all. Such disordered of thinking people only want a response and by giving him that you gave him what he wanted. He knew he had you then and so it was a given he would still contact you. This is called "hoovering behaviour" and he hoovered you right in.

You have to block him and never be at all tempted to reply to anything he at all sends you.

Who cares what he is using you for?. He is irrelevant or should be to you. You cannot remain his willing audience here.

Yea I agree with you all. Thanks.

Hoovering! I hadn’t heard it it before. Helpful! Thank you.

Honestly, after 20 years you should not be looking at him as an ex but as a stranger who is harassing you and treat him accordingly. It doesn’t sound like you’ve healed properly from this relationship, did you get any professional support for how he treated you?

I didn’t and I think belatedly maybe I should have done.