If you have a sibling you have zero respect for due to their choices do you have a relationship with them ?

[pumpkinpie01]

My sister has been treated like crap by her boyfriend ( 18 years her junior) for the majority of their 4 year relationship. His behaviour at Xmas was spectacularly bad - disappeared for a week , came back and took their son to his parents for a week. They subsequently split up, she promised me that was definitely it and they would not be getting back together. And yet here we are lo and behold she is back with him , I'm so cross with her I literally have zero respect for her now and don't even want to speak to her. Really it has no baring on my life I'm just struggling to be friendly with someone who is a complete idiot basically ! Anyone been in a similar situation?

I've got a few amazing friends who don't make good relationship choices. But they're still my friends!!

She needs your support not your judgement. You have no idea how difficult it is for her. Is she being threatened? Abused? Could she be scared of him? Could he be threatening her with access to their child?
I hope she has support elsewhere

I know him quite well , he likes to message other women , she finds out , they fall out she tells him it's his last chance then they are back together. It's a pattern . I am there for her every time it happens I invite her round , on days out etc . She puts more effort in with him than a relationship with her older kids and that's what I find hard to deal with .

No.
My sibling moved away.
I FaceTime them so my mum can speak to them, I have no time for them.
It’s bad decisions over the course of years and years and years, over and over again that has got us to this situation.
There is literally nothing I can do or say now to help them.
So, I bow out.

@imaginethemdragons did you lose respect for them or were you just too disappointed or angry to have a relationship with them ? My sister puts men before her kids constantly and it's so annoying . When they split up last time she was straight out on a date despite the fact her daughter was going to her dads the next day for nearly a week. In my eyes that was time she could have spent with her but she was straight away looking for another man 😫

So your beef isn't so much that she is being hurt by men but that she is neglecting her kids?

Both , men come before the kids and I just think this time she could have ended this relationship and concentrated more on her kids but nope. A few years ago she left the kids when they were 10 and 14 and went on holiday abroad with him , she didn't take the kids anywhere . This is where I get angry , the fact they come second to an absolute twat.

Of course I would but then again I have an enormous amount of respect for my siblings, don't slag off their parenting online or judge them generally.
I think you just want a bit of a vent here as you don't like your sister.

@goldielockdown2 , I was just hoping that this time she would stick with the break realise how badly he treats her and spend more time with her kids. It's hard not to judge when she will go on holiday with him and just leave the kids behind . I suggested gently last time they split that she give men a break and do things with the kids , but no she joined a dating site immediately.

How young is this guy if he's 18 years younger than her and she had a baby 4 years ago?
Unfortunately there's not much you can do but be there for her kids when she's a shit mum who puts blokes first

@user1471457751 he is 24

@user1471457751 baby is 1 and a half she has been with him 3-4 years

If it was just a bad relationship choice, I'd keep in touch, but with siblings IME, it's never just a single issue.

I have recently had a bit of a bust up with my horrible sibling. It isn't just what we fell out over, (actually it sort of started because I don't like the sound of her new fella, funnily enough). It's all fine saying "she needs you in her life" etc, but only you know what's gone on and whether you can keep her in your life.

I have to admit I'd struggle if a sister was always putting her man before her DCs. I probably wouldn't go NC, but I wouldn't enjoy her company and that would inevitably lead to less contact with her. That's where I am with mine at present.

No as she has made awful choices, it she genuinely changed and maintained that change I would be happy to develop a relationship with her.

Your sister needs support, it also looks like her child also needs support.

But adults go away on holiday sometimes, pumpkin. I assume the kids were looked after while she was away. I'd struggle to raise an eyebrow unless she did it all the time. Online dating, meh. She's a grown up.

@LuckyMcDucky that's exactly how I feel. I love her as she is my sister but the constant yearning for male attention over spending time with her kids really bothers me. I am there for her kids ( 2 of them lived with me for 6 months) and always will be.

@goldielockdown2 when she went they were 10 and 14 and they were left alone apart from going to their dads at the weekend. She went abroad for 16 days

[quote pumpkinpie01]@goldielockdown2 when she went they were 10 and 14 and they were left alone apart from going to their dads at the weekend. She went abroad for 16 days [/quote]
That's pretty crap tbh. Not wishing to be too judgey.

Yes, I think I know how it is for you op. Sometimes siblings just have totally different values and some people, who maybe aren't in that position, coming on to sibling threads with the inevitable "but she needs your suppoooooort. She's your siiiiiister" (sorry, I always imagine it in this sort of whiney voice), are either saints towards their siblings come what may, or have easier sibling relationships and no imagination or empathy for what it's like not to have this.

There is pressure if one sibling wants to stay in close contact with another one that the other siblings have to accommodate sometimes. Again "she's your siiiiiister. You can't turn her awaaaaaaay". Ok, I'll stop that now. But in brief, I think I know where you're coming from and can relate op.

And nobody called the police when she abandoned the kids?
And a 38 year old choosing to date a 20 Yr old makes your sister a creep

There is pressure if one sibling wants to stay in close contact with another one that the other siblings have to accommodate sometimes

...even if the other sibling does not want that level of contact. It seems as if whichever sibling wants the most contact has to be accommodated, regardless of what the other sibling wants and that is just not right.

Basing this on my own experience and the pressure often comes from family who never have the same burden of responsibility; they just pressure us into shouldering it!

I never thought my relationship with my sister would end up the way it has. She caused a family feud and cut herself off from an elderly relative who I continued to support for many reasons. But it clouded our relationship and stopped us speaking freely. I lost respect for her and still struggle to understand why she treated everybody the way she did.

And a 38 year old choosing to date a 20 Yr old makes your sister a creep

Agreed! She sounds very immature and irresponsible, leaving her kids alone so she can go on holiday with a new boyfriend. Chasing after men almost half her age, if a 38 year old man was leering over a 20 year old woman we would all be saying "eww, what a creep." "Why can't he get a girlfriend his own age" etc. It's not different because she's a woman.

Yes, my sister also treated my parents like crap too much for my tastes. Sibling relationships can be very complicated!

I think sometimes it's very frustrating to listen to someone moan and moan about something, you offer your support time and time again but then they just keep on with what is causing them anguish
We're still friends now but in our early 20s my friend had a very bad relationship, he literally cheated on her every other weekend and dumped her randomly all the time, she would come to me and pour her heart out, we'd sit and bitch about him, she'd swear on her dads grave and our friendship that she wouldn't get back with him, then the next day they're back together , and to make it worse she'd tell him what I'd said about him. This went on for years and eventually I stopped trying to cheer her up and be her shoulder to cry on
So yeah I do actually know where you're coming from

I have a sibling who has made very different, in my opinion less positive, life choices. Does very little to help themselves or change the things that make them unhappy. Don't learn from experience and repeat the same patterns that they always have.

My feelings are challenging. I love them deeply and always help out in a pinch, but I often cannot support them emotionally or offer full sympathy when things go tits up as it's frequently of their own making.

They've been the same for over 30 years so I doubt that they'll change now. I worry for the future when mum isn't here to put a roof over their head and stop the world imploding.