If you stayed in a unhappy relationship, do you regret it?

[sophielis]

I feel like I'm wasting my years being with my OH, I know what I want and it's not him. And to be honest I would like to be on my own for a bit and work on myself.

He doesn't want to get married, talks to me however he wants, thinks I wouldn't manage without him. The list goes on, we have good times it's not all miserable but I just know he's not my partner for life.

I can't see us ending it anytime soon I would probably stay another year or 2 to make sure I'm financially stable. Let DS start school and get DD into nursery. Has anyone stayed for a while and regretted it? I don't want to waste time and regret it but it's the only way.

If it's any comfort l am doing the same. We were deeply in love but no longer. Children early teens. Just plodding through the next 5 years before l make my move to freedom!

"talks to me however he wants, thinks I wouldn't manage without him."

This would make me want to leave now.

@doingthehoovering wow 5 years is some time, do you still get on with him?

Also in a similar position!

I stayed for a while because of practicalities and also I knew he would go NC with me after we split whichI didn't want for the kids when they were very small . I had seen the way he was with his ex wife. I wasn't wrong. I'm glad I gave the kids some happy memories, glad I wasn't a single parent during the very high dependency years of child rearing, and I'm glad I didn't stay any longer. You'll know when the time is right to end it.

I hung on until the bitter end of a really unhappy relationship. It was good of course for a long time. But it changed. I tolerated an awful lot of poor behaviour. And I would of never given up on him. He left for ow.

I was crushed. But as the years have pasted I'm so glad he left. The relationship was abusive. You brush over it. Make excuse. I had my own money. And freedom. So long as he wasn't left with the childcare. And he was never violent. He was Bad tempered. Shouty. Coercive and I was walking on egg shells etc. His mood controlled the house.

I'm sorry for the loss of the man he was. And it has taken me a long time to realise that person was long gone. And what he is now is not what I want for me or the children. Although they of course still have a relationship with him.

I'm Not afraid of him anymore. If anything the shoe is on the other foot. I have shown strengthen and courage I have never had before to stand up to him. And call him out on his behaviour. When/if we speak. It is respectful and I am heard. Unlike the many years before when I was lower than nothing to him.

I'm glad he made the choice on my behalf. The children no longer have to see their mother be manipulated etc. . And I hope they see me as a strong independent women. And role model. I've not had anything serious since ex. And I'm ok with that. I would rather be alone than be with some mediocre relationship for the sake of having a man around.

I stayed with someone for 7 years and I knew he wasn’t meant for me. Luckily there were no children but I didn’t want to hurt him. I regret staying for so long, I could have done so much in that time.

Yes - I am in a relationship with a husband who shouts at me or the children at least 5 times a day and then shouts at us for crying. I know I won't leave him while the children are at home but as the DC's are both primary school age, it's going to be one a hell of a wait for me until I can.

Bloody hell @Exhaustedpenguin, that sounds terrifying for your kids. Why stay longer? What’s stopping you from leaving?

The anxiety of you and the kids must be through the roof.

@PurpleBiro21 thank you for your reply.
What's stopping me? A couple of things - money and fear mainly. But also DH works shifts and doesn't drive. I worry that the kids would hardly ever see him and I don't want that. Whatever my feelings are for him, he is still their father.

[quote Exhaustedpenguin]@PurpleBiro21 thank you for your reply.
What's stopping me? A couple of things - money and fear mainly. But also DH works shifts and doesn't drive. I worry that the kids would hardly ever see him and I don't want that. Whatever my feelings are for him, he is still their father.[/quote]
@Exhaustedpenguin, the fact that your husband is your childrens' father doesn't automatically mean that he is a positive person in their lives. He sounds awful. Your poor kids.

he is still their father.

But he’s abusing them? The emotional damage is life long.

Thank you. Sorry - I didn't mean to highjack the post.
He's not always like this - often he's very good with them. It has got progressively worse and I've told him hundreds of times not to shout in front of them but he can't stop himself. It does mean we are anxious a lot and when he's not here because of his shifts, the house seems so much calmer and happier. I'm scared to leave though. Not because of him - he's never violent - but just scared at the practicalities of doing it. Sometimes I imagine flashing forward a year with me having left him, and imagining how much happier we will all be.

Shouts at least 5 times a day then shouts because they and/or you are crying.. those poor kids.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to ummm be judgemental or make you feel bad, but kids growing in an abusive household just to have a dad is a mind fuck.

Presumably if he didn’t make efforts to see them if you separated (which would probably give them a better life), then he isn’t that great a father anyway.

Absolutely! I stayed with my DH for 26 years. No cheating or physical abuse just very bad match, I would say. A lot of emotional and financial abuse. I am finally leaving him now, but I wish I did years ago. I think that we would all be much happier and healthier, not just the two of us but our kids too. We have three.

I stayed too long in my first marriage.

I stayed for 11 years longer than I should have. I missed out all of my 30s being in a relatively I shouldn't have been in. I finally had the courage to end it last year and it was the best thing I've done. So to answer, do I regret staying?YES!

Yes. I stayed about 10 years too long. He is an alcoholic. I was too afraid (I'm autistic and hate confrontation) to tell him to go. Well, I did a couple of times but he was too drunk at the time so had forgotten by the time he'd sobered up. I really do wish I'd done it earlier as I've proved over and over that I can cope without him. I wish I'd believed in myself all that time ago.

I'm now in a relationship with a really lovely man.

It's really not worth being unhappy for so long, if I had my time again I'd definitely try and be outspoken and brave.

I cant see a future with my DP sadly but financially I need time to get myself ready, but I have a plan! Its not awful but we are just not suited ultimately and he has broken my trust many times.

I left. 20 years together and in my late 30s with DC. It was a leap of faith. Definitely didn’t plan on dating etc, just wanted freedom. Within the year I fell madly in love with a friend of a friend, he’s wonderful with me and the children, he’s a very sporty head teacher with the kindest soul. I feel completely blessed and cannot believe that I didn’t leave as soon as I realised it was over. Good luck OP

I regret every moment I wasted with a man who was terrible for me.

I was scared to leave as couldn't imagine life on the other side.

But let me tell you what, I did leave eventually and am SO much happier. Its my life, I'm free and responsible for my own shit and its brilliant.

I'm no longer held back. I'm living how I want, no more fear! I'm a confident and proud mum. Life isnt always great but it's MY life and I'm in charge

You've got one life ladies, please don't waste it

@exhaustedpenguin
If you haven't heard of it before please check out the freedom programme. Not judging at all but things sound tough for you and there are other options please believe that

@Exhaustedpenguin please start looking to leave soon. He is getting increasingly worse and you are all frightened and anxious around him.

Yes I am unhappy in my relationship. He's a good kind man who does a lot around the house and a lot of hands on parenting. There's nothing wrong with him, I just don't love him like a partner, I only love him like a friend. I always have if I'm honest. I wanted a good man but sacrificed actually being in love. I couldn't face the fall out of trying to leave and break up our family, it's a prospect worse than just staying.

@Miseryl

Yes I am unhappy in my relationship. He's a good kind man who does a lot around the house and a lot of hands on parenting. There's nothing wrong with him, I just don't love him like a partner, I only love him like a friend. I always have if I'm honest. I wanted a good man but sacrificed actually being in love. I couldn't face the fall out of trying to leave and break up our family, it's a prospect worse than just staying.

Sorry to barge in on the original poster, but Would love some deeper presective on this?? Don't want to sound stupid but what is the difference, how do you know you see him more as a friend than partner? I love my boyfriend but sometimes think this?? Still want cuddles kisses but the sexual desire seems to be fading... X