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Original poster

DP 'virtually married' a blonde on Facebook. Help

31 replies

ClockworkClown · 15/11/2007 22:32

I'm very upset and weepy. I discovered all these threads from someone my dp has been chatting up (sometimes till 4.am) on Facebook. He uses my computer. He has made saucy suggestions, asked her to 'run away' with him and she has sent personal photos (not rude exactly but provocative) of herself to his email .

In some section he describes himself as 'virtually married' to her..

I feel like I've been reading his mind looking at all this stuff. He 'hates the English' (I am he's not) 'prefers blondes' I'm not she is . He didn't mention me or our boy trying, I guess, to appear young and free - his photo on the site is 15 yrs out of date for fecks sake!! . I know its not real as she is overseas, but still I feel horrible.

I confronted him this morning and it turns out its my fault. Things have been pretty poor for a while but this feels like the last straw. Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
ClaphamLauren · 15/11/2007 22:35

I don't think you're being ridiculous, if he has a problem with your relationship he needs to talk to you not some blonde bint on facebook.

Why are things poor? Are they fixable? Would you want to fix them?

Tortington · 15/11/2007 22:37

he's a cunt for doing this - its not your fault he did it - becuase he did it. if he is unhappy in your marriage the right thing to do is end it - not virtually fuck some desperado on the internet.

ELF1981 · 15/11/2007 22:38

Can you access his facebook with a password?
If so you can change his profile pic to a nice family pic, and change his status to "happily married til my DW kicks me out on my ass unless I do some serious making up"
and then wait for him to see it.

claraenglish · 15/11/2007 22:39

Message withdrawn

oranges · 15/11/2007 22:40

I like Elf's suggestion. What is it with facebook? Is it taking over from Friends Reunited as a marriage wrecker? I though its meant for university freshers.

S1ur · 15/11/2007 22:42

Fuck that, I think generally web filrting can be different and not necessaarily worrying but his response is shit, your fault? bollocks. Not ridiculous but also clearly not the main issue here, what's going on with you two?

S1ur · 15/11/2007 22:44

I like facebook, it's just like friends reunited only better with twiddly bits. Only wreakable marriages need worry I'm afraid. But in response to OP, I wouldn't think it's over on basis on facebook shite, sometimes people like to let of steam pretend things are differnt in their lives etc... think about rest of relationship

Blu · 15/11/2007 22:45

She, of course, may be similiarly married and 15 years older than her photo....

Since you can clearly access this page - write a very explict message on his wall telling it how it is!

But he is behaving very badly, and more so to tell you it is your fault.

Don't know how to suggest you start and challenge this, and improve your relationship...what has made things 'pretty poor' for a while?

Original poster
ClockworkClown · 15/11/2007 23:01

Yes I know his password, theres never been a reason to hide them.

Actually I went online last night as 'him' and spoke to this girl. Explained that since MY GIRLFRIEND has gone to look after OUR TODDLER I was free to chat

Things are pretty awful.In the 5 years we've been together he has only worked for 18 months. We've lived off my savings from a house sale while I retrain for work ( I'm selfemployed )since having ds. He has dreadful health problems, mainly with his teeth which are crumbling - he needs 20k worth of dental work. This has affected our personal life as he has constant abcesses (weeks of agony) and just a bad bad mouth!

I resent the money I spend, when I think he could be more active in looking for a job. I have no money left now anyway. It feels a piss poor situation.

I cried looking at your responses thank you.

OP posts:
S1ur · 15/11/2007 23:09

I think maybe you cry because you know you not happy with situation. It doesn't mean the end who knows, it sounds like you're going though really tough time of life. Might be that you both look back on this and say yeah that was tough but here we are... money probs always makes things hard, really hard.
OTH clearly some things need to change, where are you going to start. I think you should talk, but not about facebook particularly. That's by the by it seems to me

Blu · 15/11/2007 23:09

CC - this sounds awful - for both of you.

I think my advice is not to get distracted by the facebook thing - he has behaved badly over it, and it needs to stop. Go online and address this womnan as you, tell her it's all a fantsy for him and needs to stop. Tell him you have done it, that you are annoyed, but not going to get into a big thinhg about the facebook incident because you wnat to focus on the wider issue of your relationship.

Can he not get NHS treatment for his teeth? Through a dental hospital or anyhting? It does sound very hard and unpleasant for him, and it is probably sapping his confidence - hence his faceboking escapade, maybe.

Would he agree to go to counselling with you? Relate? So that you can tell him how resentful you feel and how the balnace of responsibility in your relationship (i.e it's all on you) is making you resentful?

Do you want to try and fix your relationship, or have you had enough?

Original poster
ClockworkClown · 15/11/2007 23:34

I've really nearly had enough. Feel like I've put a lot into this relationship and supported him as much as I can. The Facebook thing feels like a slap in my face. I've offered to pay somehow (well re-mortgaging) for the teeth, NHS will do the basics but only as far as dentures and he wants nice implants etc don't blame him but maybe get a job?

I don't know where to go from here. He came in the room and I was sobbing over Custardo's message which was the first one I saw, and wanted hug me but still he thinks the Facebook thing is ok, and really something 'I need to look at'.

OP posts:
pukkapatch · 15/11/2007 23:37

elf, i love your suggestion!

facebook is supposed to be brilliant because you cant talk to random strangers. how is he managing to do that?

Desiderata · 15/11/2007 23:37

If he hates the English that much, he can fuck off.

fortyplus · 15/11/2007 23:38

If you know his password then I really wouldn't worry - he believes he's acting out a harmless fantasy - no different from immersing yourself in a fantasy role-playing game, apart from the poor woman who's been daft enough to fall for him.

If he had something to hide he'd change his password and be secretive about it.

moondog · 15/11/2007 23:38

God,what a useless prick he sounds.
Tell him to find a job and pay for his own fucking implants for a start.

fortyplus · 15/11/2007 23:40

By pukkapatch;

facebook is supposed to be brilliant because you cant talk to random strangers. how is he managing to do that?

You can send a message to anyone you like.

If you go on facebook and put in your own name you'll probably find that loads of people share it.

Desiderata · 15/11/2007 23:41

Where's he from, Clockwork?

pukkapatch · 15/11/2007 23:42

well, yes fp, but,...
actually i'm going to start a thread aboutthis as done twant to hijack this on.e

to the op, i think he's being a very unreasnable.

tiggertoeeyorein5secs · 15/11/2007 23:45

I think Blu is right about the confidence thing. He must feel badly about his looks if his teeth are so bad.

But.............he is being really unfair to you. It seems to me that you are the one keeping the family afloat - with your savings, retraining for work and looking after your child. Maybe he feels his manliness is being undermined, and he is taking this out on you. Sometimes people who lack confidence themselves, will chip away at those they see as confident- otherwise known as bullying.

You said he wasn't English. Is he by any chance from a country known for it 'macho men'?

It's not easy being in a relationship where there is a role reversal where the woman is the main breadwinner. When our ds was born we both to chose to work part-time until he went to school. Couldn't afford it, but it made sense because we both wanted to be with him. Even so, I am the one who works longer hours and brings in more money. I too once had savings - I kept the real amount secret. But it went. I now have a secret overdraft.

Sometimes I feel resentful because I feel my dp gets more of a say in ds upbringing. And I blame dp for not persevering with fruit and veg etc...

However, I have to be fair to dp. He put his chance of a career on hold. He chose to work in a school so that we could cover the school holidays, but he is only on minimum wage. Also, he has my tea ready when I come in from work and many other little things. He appreciates what I have given up for our family, and also that financially I keep us afloat.

So girl, I think you deserve better.

AhhChewww · 15/11/2007 23:53

ClockworkClown

My dp had a simmillar problem with his teeth and it really affeted his behaviour and self-confidence. He is having them done now and I really noticed the difference. Maybe that's the reason for your dp's stupid behaviour...

He is going to have implants done in Poland as it works out much much cheaper. Cat me if you wnat some details...

Swedes2Turnips1 · 15/11/2007 23:55

I think you should put a close-up photo of his crumbling teeth on his Facebook profile.

PurpleOne · 16/11/2007 00:00

There is no excuse for cyber cheating in my book--and it's your fault CC? What a complete tosser!

If he were my DP, I would slice his bollocks off with a blunt knife and stuff them down his throat so hard, he can choke on them.

Hang in there CC...sending you gentle hugs.

PurpleOne · 16/11/2007 00:02

Swedes--LMBAO

Or if you can google images for 'small penises' you could upload one of those CC

Original poster
ClockworkClown · 16/11/2007 00:34

Desi, he is Welsh!

He has sensibly changed his password to Facebook. Meanwhile he has to buy himself his own computer cos he aint using my laptop anymore. I've stayed up so late writing his cv nicely for him, putting in proposals, designing a logo for him. He stays up late writing to a hot blonde from Hungary

Purpleone good rude suggestion, but sadly He changed the password so I can't.
Thanks for so many good supportive replies. I stopped crying for a minute.

OP posts: