Difficult mil

[Wrenegade]

D H and I are 26 and have been married for 6 months and I am learning very quickly my mil is difficult. Unfortunately, after loosing my parents I have no family of my own to seek advice or support and none of my friends are married yet. I consider myself to be pretty level headed and reasonable, I try to keep the peace but I am increasingly overwhelmed and a bit fearful about how the future looks!

Initially it was small comments but very quickly it has escalated, recently I was told that I am a disappointment and that she expected her son (my DH) to have chosen a better wife, when I asked why she thought this she simply explained my working class background and lack of family as if this grief didn’t hang over me enough already.

Every achievement is compared and turned negative. We are buying our first home which is going surprisingly smoothly and mil’s response to this was to say that it was only going smoothly because it wasn’t in as good as location as the house her daughter is buying which is apparently much bigger in a lovely location and is much more in demand.

I have been accused of being spiteful, mean and controlling because I declined her request to walk my dog. She is frail and has never owned a dog while the dog is 50kg and a bit unfriendly with new people.

The thing that most concerns me if that when I declined her offer to walk the dog she replied ‘if you won’t even let me walk the dog then You won’t let me raise my future grandchildren!’ She often states how she is putting 30 hours a week aside to raise her future grandchildren and how she reports vegan mothers for child neglect (I am a vegan). DH and I aren’t at the stage of planning a pregnancy but I am already in fear of how having a child looks, I don’t intend to be asking her for any form of child care. How do I cope with this, how should I respond?

You get your dh to tell her to back off. Why hasn't he done so already?

I'm sorry for the loss of your parents.
Being without them hurts.
I've also found that PIL also seethis as carte blanche to behave badly as there's no one else. They will feel they should be first for everything out of everybody because your parents arnt there.
Right now I would smile nod don't say anything. Get husband on board.
Don't have them round in your space if it leads to comparison.
And once you've had kids then draw your boundaries tightly and don't give in. Don't have them as childcare.

You need to speak with your husband and he needs to deal with this now. Tell him you will not accept it. Set those boundaries now or this is how it'll always be. She's a bully, if she continues with her mean comments, call her out on it, you've nothing to lose your f she hates you already and she will back down because she won't be expecting you to stick up for yourself. In regards to her comments about GC, just tell her you've not discussed specifics yet but don't worry about setting time aside to raise them as that will be our job. What a bitch xx

I have DDs your age, so take this as Mum advice!

You tell your DH Your mother is appallingly rude to me, so I won't be having any more to do with her. You can obviously go see her when you like, but I won't be joining you. She's not welcome in my home and I expect you to support me in this.

Her behaviour is utterly unacceptable. Why on earth would you tolerate someone speaking to you like this? Block her on your phone.

She speaks to you like this in front of your husband? What does he say?

I think you should take a BIG step back from the old bitch. No more sharing info with her (just gives her ammo). And as for the grandchildren tell her "nobody who treats me poorly will ever be close to my children" and mean it. Chances are she'll favour her dd's children anyway so you'll need to protect yours.

How can she put aside 30h per week for future grandchildren? Am I missing something?

She sounds like a poisonous c*w, op, I sympathise. A friend of mine has a mil just like yours. Is your dh her only son?

I suspect a big part of her hostility is that you've married her son...there's that saying 'a son is a son until takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life'...Some mothers are weirdly possessive about their sons.

I would remain polite and civil, but next time she comes out with a personal attack I think you should call her out on it. Nothing argumentative - but much like you might at work, along the lines of "that's a very unkind thing to say, don't speak to like that".

Being called out might shut her up for a while. Easier said than done though, I know.

Ultimately, you need your dh to back you 100% and stand up for you.

I actually agree with MadMadMadam, I too had no parents and it was hard continually being treated as the ousider. I just knuckled down with it and ignored a lot, but if I had my time again I would have told them to do one.

She must know how hard it is for you, it's cruel how she's behaved but I doubt whether she will change.
Don't be scared of her, you have every right to exist without someone continually blowing your candle out, MIL or not.

Raise her grandchildren? ‘No, Mabel, that’s my job, not yours, of course you won’t raise them!’

Your DH needs to tell her to fuck right off. Hopefully you aren’t buying a house anywhere near her? She sounds foul.

Hi everyone, thank you for your advice, I really haven't known where to turn and I appreciate not feeling like I am losing my mind.

For some context my husband is her second son, but her first has no intention of getting married or having grandchildren. For that reason I almost feel like she views me as an incubator for grandchildren and that I am a bit irrelevant. Mil is sneaky, she closes the door and speaks in hushed tones so no one else can hear.

DH has a strained relationship with his mum so he does believe me when I tell him what she has said. But it is almost like he is in denial when it comes to dealing with her and he can't accept she is so mean and confront her on it. I think he is scared of the conflict and that I want to cut her off. Personally I don't want a relationship with her but understand entirely that he does and have no problem with that. He can see her alone.

@Onthedunes @Frazzle76 I very much feel like they want carte blanche on everything whilst judging me as an outsider. It is nice to know I haven't been the only one. It is looking like I need to establish those boundaries. Really wish my mum was about so I felt like I had support and commitments my side too.

@MadMadMadamMim @Onthedunes @Frazzle76 @Cherrysoup @TaraR2020 @Porcupineintherough @Trixie78 @Shmithecat2

I so desperately want to respond in all of these ways - is there a way of tactfully saying this to DH so I don't appear like an awful person while he struggles to come to terms with it? The last thing I want is conflict between my husband and I because of his mother. Is it unreasonable of me to say that mil can't be close to my children or have childcare?

I think this is a perfect situation to fall back on the old Mumsnet favourite: "Did you mean to be so rude?".

You're never going to get her on side. Conflict won't get you anywhere. Just keep your distance and set reasonable and clear boundaries. If your husband doesn't particularly want to spend time with her then don't feel you have to either. He may not choose to confront her but that doesn't mean you need to do it for him. She's not your mother or your family and your only obligation is to be polite to her. Anything more than that is your husband's job and if he won't do it, don't feel you have to take it on for him.

You don't HAVE to answer the telephone when she calls or make yourself available when she chooses to visit. Run your life as you see fit and keep her on the periphery. You don't have to engage if she wants to argue about it.

You married your husband, not his family. You are under no obligation to have a relationship with any of them if you so wish. If I were you I wouldn't visit her and, as suggested, I'd be telling Dh that she is not welcome in your home as she has zero respect for you. If he cannot respect that then you have bigger problems. I'm sure he wouldn't accept a friend treating you like shit so he needs to stand up for you and not allow his mother to treat you like shit. Stay away from her. If she confronts you be honest and tell her that you won't allow anyone to treat you the way she has. It's a shame you are buying a house that is near her. You should have taken the opportunity when buying, to move miles away.

You’re not the awful person here
Tell your husband in as diplomatic a way as you can manage that his mum has been consistently impolite to you and that you’re not interested in a relationship with her. He can visit her alone.

Oh and no she won’t be raising the grandchildren, that’s your job as their parents. She’ll be lucky to see them at this rate

So open the door and repeat what she says in a loud voice - "what was that mil, you're saying I'm a disappointment to you?" Though it shouldn't really matter, does your dh not believe you when you tell him?
You could try a direct approach and tell her you're unhappy with some of the remarks she has made to you and if there is a repeat you will be leaving her house immediately/asking her to leave and that will be the end of it.

I was recommended’Toxic In Laws’ on here and found it eye opening. They don’t change (mine has got worse over the last 26 years!) but you can alter the way you respond to them.

OP - you don’t need to have a close relationship with your MIL. You can be distant and ignore what she says.
But at the same time - you don’t need to try to ‘turn’ your H agains his mother.
As you say - he realises she isn’t an easy person but doesn’t want conflict. It’s one of those things with difficult parents - at some point you give up on trying to change them and find a way to live with them how they are. You don’t need to make his dynamic with her any more difficult. You can stay out of it.

As to when you eventually have children. Yes - it will be unreasonable of you to insist that she isn’t around at all. Unless your H decides that it’s what he wants too.
You have the child together and any decisions need to be joint. One person can’t just decide something this big on their own. (And btw raising kids vegan or not is also one of those future joint decisions)
Your kids will have the grandparent that they have and their relationship with gp will be up to them, at some point.

I completely agree with lots of the PP. If she can't behave properly then don't give her the time of day, DH can see her without you and she isn't welcome in your house (at least if you are there). I find a lot of parents don't realise you're adults now and that you don't need to rally around for their approval. Relationships are a 2 way street and she is not upholding her side so why should you uphold yours.

Mil is sneaky, she closes the door and speaks in hushed tones so no one else can hear.

What she is saying is horrible OP, especially how she is doing it. I had a FIL who was the same, he wait til I was alone, like clearing up in the kitchen, then he come in quickly, shut the door and be really horrible. I actually plucked up the courage and called him on it. When he did it I opened the door and called to DH saying "Your father has just said X and Y about me, do you think this too?" It caused a row - but he never did it again. I don't know if you feel you can take that approach. It will sour relations and MIL may go LC or NC but job done in my view! Good luck in however you decide to approach it.

Re your comment:-

"DH has a strained relationship with his mum so he does believe me when I tell him what she has said. But it is almost like he is in denial when it comes to dealing with her and he can't accept she is so mean and confront her on it. I think he is scared of the conflict and that I want to cut her off".

I am not at all surprised his own relationship with her is strained, it was ever so too. This dysfunctional dynamic you've married into certainly predates your arrival.

Your H's own inertia when it comes to his mother merely hurts him as well as you. This along with his fear, obligation and guilt to her plays into her hands as well.

He has been conditioned to believe that the sky will fall in if he confronts her so tries to get along with her and otherwise appeases her; this however only makes her worse. All this results in he not being able or willing to confront or otherwise face this re his mother. He is also still seeking her approval, approval she will never give him. I would also think he is the less favoured son here in his family; if this is so this is yet another problem in it.

Do not further try and appease her yourself but keep her out of your own life as much as possible. He can continue to see her if he wishes but that does not mean that you have to do the same. Look at your own boundaries here and review and raise them as required. The best thing for you both is to actually present a united front to her. She was not a good parent to him when he was growing up and she has not fundamentally changed. She does this too because she can and it works for her.

I would encourage him to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and you could read "Toxic Inlaws" by the same author.

You would never have tolerated this behaviour from a friend and his mother is no different.

Sadly he may never be able to stand up for his own self when it comes to his mother.

BTW you do not mention FIL in all this; is he still around?.

But a house FAR FAR away from the witch!!

Buy

Your DH won't stand up to her.

I know it's hard to do but give it back to her.

She accused you of being spiteful, mean whatever, agree with her but say she's much better at it than you.

Like when she said you were a disappointment, you could say you felt the same about her.

Make comments about how you don't like up themselves pseudo rich.

Yes, it's harsh but no more harsh than what she says to you.
Remember people like her get away with it because nobody pulls them up. They keep being polite and try to appease nasty people.

My inlaws thought I was going to be the whipping girl. I mirrored the nasty remarks back to them. She huffed and puffed and said I was a bitch. I said yes I am. Glad we got that sorted.
She never spoke that way to me again.

@MadMadMadamMim

I have DDs your age, so take this as Mum advice!

You tell your DH Your mother is appallingly rude to me, so I won't be having any more to do with her. You can obviously go see her when you like, but I won't be joining you. She's not welcome in my home and I expect you to support me in this.

Her behaviour is utterly unacceptable. Why on earth would you tolerate someone speaking to you like this? Block her on your phone.

I agree with this, but OP, she is a horror and your husband's preference to keep the peace is very worrying.

Please do not even consider having a child with a man who would allow his mother treat you like that.

You need to think long and hard about the marriage and life you want.

Being treated so badly and having your husband allow it will kill your love.

Not having any family means you need a good strong man to be able to lean on.

I would rather be on my own than with a man like your husband who is weak and afraid of his mother.

She is a nasty bitch and will add nothing to your life but grief.

She wouldn't be allowed near any child of mine.

You sound lovely but need protecting from them, including your weak husband.

I strongly agree with @billy1966.

Be very careful now while you’re not tied to your DH for life with children.

She could poison your life for decades if you and more importantly DH lets her.

Sorry to be bringing up a (generally but not necessarily in this case) crappier forum but have a look on Reddit at the JustNoMil subreddit for many examples of how a toxic MiL can impact for a long long time.

OP, I think if you remain calm and just say to your DH I won't be having any more to do with your DM because her rudeness is damaging my mental health it is not tactless.

It's polite, clear and informative. You don't have to tiptoe round the subject pretending she's sorely treated, there are faults on both sides or you've taken her the wrong way/misinterpreted her words.

You don't have to feel you are oversensitive. I understand that you don't want to fall out with DH or upset him - but none of this is your fault. You can politely explain to him that it's not up for discussion. She's deeply unpleasant to you and you don't wish to see her again.

She will be reaping the benefits of her own nastiness. Oh look - here come the consequences of my own actions...