Difficult mil

[Wrenegade]

D H and I are 26 and have been married for 6 months and I am learning very quickly my mil is difficult. Unfortunately, after loosing my parents I have no family of my own to seek advice or support and none of my friends are married yet. I consider myself to be pretty level headed and reasonable, I try to keep the peace but I am increasingly overwhelmed and a bit fearful about how the future looks!

Initially it was small comments but very quickly it has escalated, recently I was told that I am a disappointment and that she expected her son (my DH) to have chosen a better wife, when I asked why she thought this she simply explained my working class background and lack of family as if this grief didn’t hang over me enough already.

Every achievement is compared and turned negative. We are buying our first home which is going surprisingly smoothly and mil’s response to this was to say that it was only going smoothly because it wasn’t in as good as location as the house her daughter is buying which is apparently much bigger in a lovely location and is much more in demand.

I have been accused of being spiteful, mean and controlling because I declined her request to walk my dog. She is frail and has never owned a dog while the dog is 50kg and a bit unfriendly with new people.

The thing that most concerns me if that when I declined her offer to walk the dog she replied ‘if you won’t even let me walk the dog then You won’t let me raise my future grandchildren!’ She often states how she is putting 30 hours a week aside to raise her future grandchildren and how she reports vegan mothers for child neglect (I am a vegan). DH and I aren’t at the stage of planning a pregnancy but I am already in fear of how having a child looks, I don’t intend to be asking her for any form of child care. How do I cope with this, how should I respond?

Initially it was small comments but very quickly it has escalated, recently I was told that I am a disappointment and that she expected her son (my DH) to have chosen a better wife, when I asked why she thought this she simply explained my working class background and lack of family as if this grief didn’t hang over me enough already

I cannot believe you didn't tell her to fuck right off after this sort of comment.

💐for you op.
I have a MIL with the same attitude- toxic- and I plan to read the toxic in-laws book myself.

The thing that most concerns me if that when I declined her offer to walk the dog she replied ‘if you won’t even let me walk the dog then You won’t let me raise my future grandchildren!’ She often states how she is putting 30 hours a week aside to raise her future grandchildren and how she reports vegan mothers for child neglect (I am a vegan). DH and I aren’t at the stage of planning a pregnancy but I am already in fear of how having a child looks, I don’t intend to be asking her for any form of child care. How do I cope with this, how should I respond?

You tell her that that is not going to be a problem because you have no intention of letting her raise her grandchildren or have any unsupervised contact with them at all. Say that if she can't behave any better than this then she will forfeit any possibility of ever seeing any grandchildren if/when they come along.

I'm not sure I'd let her near any child of mine at all actually. She won't respect your wishes or parenting decisions. She will ride roughshod over them and possibly drip poison about you into your child's ear.

With regard to everything else, she is a really nasty piece of work and that is not your fault it is hers and hers alone. Tell her to bugger off. DH can see her on his own if he wants to.

If she is too difficult for YOU to deal with, it will be the same deal for your children too. Keep any children you go onto have well away from her.

You need to move away from her, like hours and hours.

OP, I totally understand you not wanting any conflicts. If you don't feel comfortable telling her directly how rude and inappropriate she is, I would just make your communication very formal. For instance, don't meet her alone. If she comes to your place insist that your DH is present. You can explain it to him easily as you are newly married and would like his support in this tricky family dynamic. If she proceeds with her ridiculous comments in front of your DH then he simply won't have a choice other than either support her (that would be a deal breaker for me) or tell her off.
Outsource all the communication with her to your husband. You can just talk about the weather when she is around.

Time to set boundaries now... If he doesn’t want to do it, tell him you’re going to. (A bit of advanced notice might make him grow a spine.) Let het know that you are a person not an incubator and you have no intention of ever leaving any future children alone with someone who can’t be trusted to speak to or about their mother respectfully. The fact that she doesn’t listen to you about your dog shows that she has no insight anyway, so would be bloody hopeless with a toddler.

You have to stop this now or it will make you utterly miserable in the future. Firstly your husband needs to step up and stop his mother behaving like this. If she does t listen, she doesn’t get invited to your house . End of. You husband can go and see her alone. The best option if all is to move as far away as possible and don’t invite her to visit. She’s being very stupid because if she wants to see her grandchildren and have a positive. Relationship with them she needs to get on with you.
Every single time she makes a rude remark, challenge it. Don’t accept rudeness . If she whispers behind closed doors, open the door and ask them what they’re talking about. Just don’t tolerate this. She’s a cow.