Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Mums and Dads at school gate/park: what's appropriate?

43 replies

Anonforquestion · 13/05/2021 21:45

Name changed as sensitive issue.

Just a query about what you feel is appropriate contact between mums and dads of school-age kids. As a bit of a backstory: I've been a single dad for a couple of years. Kids mum left me after she started hanging round with another dad whilst the kids played in the park after school. They began an emotional affair which developed into a full-blown affair. When it came to light we divorced.

Fast forward to today. Since divorce I've shifted work hours so I can do pick-ups on my days. Kids are still going to play in the park after school, so I'm now socialising with mums of their friends there myself. One in particular, I find I'm spending a lot of time talking to - to the extent we're usually the last to leave the park after everyone else has gone home. I'm sure she's happy on her marriage and there's no risk of anything untoward, however I'm hyper-aware this is exactly the same set of circumstances that led to my ex-wife's affair.

Like I said, I'm sure she sees me in a purely platonic light (I don't even think I'm her "type") - we just enjoy each other's company (although we're starting to talk more and more about more personal stuff) and our kids get on very well - I'm just concerned that we might be crossing the line as to what constitutes "appropriate" contact. Should I start to distance myself/back off/make excuses to leave early?

OP posts:

ILoveShula · 13/05/2021 21:48

You're not comfortable with it, so it's not appropriate.

If she wasn't attached, would you be as friendly?

Cockenspiel · 13/05/2021 21:50

Yes, if she is married, you should 100% distance yourself. Unless you love drama and want to end up repeating history..

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 13/05/2021 21:55

I think it depends if there’s any flirtatiousness or if you’re purely just platonic. In other words if her husband heard any of your conversations would your friend and you (and more importantly her husband) be ok with what’s being said and how?

FWIW I had a friendship like this when I was married. He confided in me about his recent split and we spent lots of time together with the DCs. When I split from my XH we went out for a drink and I thought it was a date, while he clearly thought it was just friends on a night out!!

It might be worth making your intentions - or lack of - clear so that there’s no misunderstandings on either side. Just have a chat to her about your XW’s friendship and say that you hope her H doesn’t think there’s anything untoward going on etc. Her reply will make it obvious whether you’re on the same page while still preserving the friendship without awkwardness.

Amotherlife · 13/05/2021 21:56

Probably best to avoid being alone with her if you're feeling its awkward or could be misconstrued.

When I had primary kids, we often went to the park after school. There were a few dads I was friendly with (not single though, just doing the school run) and generally we chatted in groups with other parents, or other parents were around at least.

Bagamoyo1 · 13/05/2021 21:59

Unless it becomes flirty or you actually fancy her, I don’t see a problem with this at all. Are men and women not allowed to be friends?

NotAnotherPushyMum · 13/05/2021 21:59

Interesting that you say you’re not her type, and not that she’s not your type. Put some distance between you.

ZenNudist · 13/05/2021 22:00

Just because your ex did it doesn't mean anything. It's unfortunate but sadly if she hadn't found someone on the school run she'd have done the dirty on you somehow.

I would not want to spend every day with the same people so I'd switch it up. Organise a play date with someone else in the class, maybe?

Otherwise it's nothing to worry about.

RantyAnty · 13/05/2021 22:03

Do you fancy her?

PassGo · 13/05/2021 22:13

Should I start to distance myself/back off/make excuses to leave early?

Yes. She is married and it sounds like you are attracted to her. Try to make new friends elsewhere.

lucy5236 · 13/05/2021 22:13

I'm a single mum and there are quite a few dads I chat to at the school bus stop for 15 mins twice everyday. With wfh this is sometimes my only adult non-work chat and I actually really enjoy it but I don't fancy any of them in the slightest and would be mortified if any of them ever thought there was more to it!!

As long as as it's not flirting and you don't fancy her I think it's fine. A bit pathetic if this isn't acceptable in 2021

However, I suspect from your post you either fancy her or suspects she fancies you which is a whole different scenario

Original poster

Anonforquestion · 13/05/2021 22:16

If she wasn't attached, would you be as friendly?

I guess, probably. The main thing is our kids are close friends so we often swap notes and have done the odd play-date with their dad. Its the more moving into "chatting for two hours until everyone else has left" I'm feeling is uncharted territory. And something I'm very concious of is how, when I was a lot younger and less wordly-wise, I'd interpret any friendly interest from a woman - for example going for drinks alone together, spending a lot of time together, even them sitting on my lap - as romantic interest, when they viewed it as purely platonic. So, I guess, I feel, from that standpoint, I don't want to feel guilty of the same-old "man interprets friendliness as potential romantic entanglement".

Certainly, at the moment, its not flirtatious and I don't think there's anything I'd be concerned about him hearing about.

I wouldn't even say I have a big crush on her, particularly - more, that our interactions are getting a bit more intimate and bringing us a bit closer and that's new and not sure if it feels healthy. But that might just be me - and, yes, I guess there's the feeling it might be misconstrued.

OP posts:

Sadieeloise5687 · 13/05/2021 22:17

The fact you are asking shows you fancy her.

Do you know if she’s married for sure? Keep it platonic. You’re hardly going to kiss in the park! Just don’t take it any further.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 13/05/2021 22:18

As long as it's not flirty I don't see an issue.
She might just feel she gets along with you well and so likes chatting to you.

Sadieeloise5687 · 13/05/2021 22:18

Ps also some women just like to be fancied... don’t let her use you for an ego boost..,

QuarantineQueen · 13/05/2021 22:22

Ffs. Men and women can be friends. As long as you aren't coming on to her and she isn't keeping you a secret from her husband, crack on.
I can see why you are a bit wary OP with the history but the answers you get on some threads like this just seem to bear no resemblance to reality. Of course you can have a female friend who really is just a friend.

getyourfreakon · 13/05/2021 22:23

You're there for your kids. I think you're asking fir a reason you don't want to put into words. She's married.

wonderstuff · 13/05/2021 22:23

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you describe. You're with kids at the park. I'd be upset if you were a friend and felt the need to distance because of a hypothetical risk of me starting to fancy you (I think that's the worry).

getyourfreakon · 13/05/2021 22:23

*for

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 22:35

I think it’s perfectly fine to be a dad who is friends with the mum of your kids friend. Nothing at all wrong with it.

But I think that the being last to leave the park is uncomfortable to you probably because every town has gossips that love to spin tales. It’s a sad reality. Even on here there are posters saying they think you “fancy” her and should keep your distance based on nothing. So obviously, your town will have similar toxic mums hanging about and willing to start a rumour about you fancying so and so and your rendezvous at the park going for literally hours (gasp). And then the moral outrage ....tut tut and to do that in front of their children (the poor dears).

So, while I see nothing wrong with it myself, you are risking malicious gossip by being last to leave. I’d start leaving second/third to last..just to be on the safe side.

Sadieeloise5687 · 13/05/2021 22:40

I’m not a toxic Mum! I have loads of male and dad friends. However the difference is I’m not on mumsnet asking for peoples opinions about whether my interactions with them are innocent or not. I KNOW they are. That the OP is asking means his mind is staying beyond friendship...

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 22:44

@Sadieeloise5687

No it doesn’t. That is toxic thinking. You can worry about the appearance of things without there being any “fancying” going on.

lucy5236 · 13/05/2021 22:49

My guess is that the OP hopes there is more to it and is trying to get views on whether it sounds like his feelings are reciprocated.....

As I've said below, I have loads of male friends and spend my time mainly with other dads at the bus stop so I don't see them hanging out for the sake of the kids being an issue. It's the over analysing/asking for our opinions etc. that leads me to think he likes her and is hoping we say "oh she's spending hours with you, making sure she's last to leave, etc. She definitely likes you"

Sadieeloise5687 · 13/05/2021 22:49

Plan - the op even says himself ‘I don’t even fancy her that much’!! He therefore admits to fancying her.

Of course men and women can be friends. But this is something else starting to develop and the op knows it. Hence why he’s asked on here. If they are the last ones there there’s no one to see to gossip about them is there!

Original poster

Anonforquestion · 13/05/2021 22:50

@Sadieeloise5687

No, @PlanDeRaccordement has it right. Do I fancy her? Goodness only knows. I don't want to go there, quite frankly. Someone earlier asked why I hadn't mentioned if she was "my type" - the actual reason is because, since my divorce, I have utterly no idea what my "type" is anymore. I thought it was my ex. Then life made me brutally aware that I may wish to reconsider.

What I am aware of, from personal history, is how these things come about by starting down a slippery slope. So whilst I might not have intense feelings for her now, I wonder if now might be the moment to draw a line in case either one of us - her or me or both - end up down there without realising. Then again, maybe I'm just being paranoid and risk-averse because of what happened with my ex?

And also, yes, I don't want to be the subject of gossip. Schoolyard etiquette is hard to grasp, being a dad. And, being a single dad, I'm very concerned I might make a social faux-pas or cast myself in a worse light.

OP posts:

Sadieeloise5687 · 13/05/2021 22:53

In that case you are totally over analysing things.

Nothing will happen unless you make it. You don’t just go from hanging out at the park for a few hours to shagging in bed. Having an affair is a willful action not something that happens by accident!

Flip

1 2