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Original poster

Mums and Dads at school gate/park: what's appropriate?

43 replies

Anonforquestion · 13/05/2021 21:45

Name changed as sensitive issue.

Just a query about what you feel is appropriate contact between mums and dads of school-age kids. As a bit of a backstory: I've been a single dad for a couple of years. Kids mum left me after she started hanging round with another dad whilst the kids played in the park after school. They began an emotional affair which developed into a full-blown affair. When it came to light we divorced.

Fast forward to today. Since divorce I've shifted work hours so I can do pick-ups on my days. Kids are still going to play in the park after school, so I'm now socialising with mums of their friends there myself. One in particular, I find I'm spending a lot of time talking to - to the extent we're usually the last to leave the park after everyone else has gone home. I'm sure she's happy on her marriage and there's no risk of anything untoward, however I'm hyper-aware this is exactly the same set of circumstances that led to my ex-wife's affair.

Like I said, I'm sure she sees me in a purely platonic light (I don't even think I'm her "type") - we just enjoy each other's company (although we're starting to talk more and more about more personal stuff) and our kids get on very well - I'm just concerned that we might be crossing the line as to what constitutes "appropriate" contact. Should I start to distance myself/back off/make excuses to leave early?

OP posts:

Original poster

Anonforquestion · 13/05/2021 22:53

Do I fancy her? Goodness only knows. I don't want to go there, quite frankly.

Just to add: by this I'm meaning I don't know if I fancy anyone anymore, not even specifically this person. I'm still reeling from the trauma of my divorce. I don't even know if I'm capable of fancying anyone anymore, let alone someone fancying me.

OP posts:

lucy5236 · 13/05/2021 22:55

Im my experience, after spending several hours in someone's company on several occasions you know if you fancy them or not so there is no "goodness only knows about it"

I accept you may be confused about "your type" but someone doesn't need to be your type for you to fancy them or to have chemistry etc

aiwblam · 13/05/2021 22:56

I’d see it in terms of opportunity cost.

What/who is she blowing off to spend vast amounts of time chatting to you?

SmileyClare · 13/05/2021 23:00

It's great you've made a friend and your kids can play together. It is difficult for dads to slot into the mum friend area! I think you know the answer to this quandary Op. Don't spend two hours talking in the park after everyone's left

Do your dc really want to spend that long there straight after school, especially when everyone else has gone? You can also get more involved with the children, kick a ball about with them? So you're making it more about them than sitting talking.

I think you're vulnerable after your painful break up. Don't let this get more complicated than it needs to.

SmileyClare · 13/05/2021 23:09

@Sadieeloise5687

In that case you are totally over analysing things.

Nothing will happen unless you make it. You don’t just go from hanging out at the park for a few hours to shagging in bed. Having an affair is a willful action not something that happens by accident!

I agree, but as this intimate friendship evolves, the mum friend may misinterpret it as more and try to instigate more. In that situation, although Op isn't interested the whole "thing" becomes awkward as fuck, can of worms opened, worms everywhere.

I think it best to pull back on the intimate conversations, and time spent one to one (just in case there are feelings on either side).

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 23:52

@Sadieeloise5687

Plan - the op even says himself ‘I don’t even fancy her that much’!! He therefore admits to fancying her.

Of course men and women can be friends. But this is something else starting to develop and the op knows it. Hence why he’s asked on here. If they are the last ones there there’s no one to see to gossip about them is there!

I read that as he doesn’t fancy her, and he’s clarified that later on that he’s not able to fancy anyone right now at all. So stop with the speculating gossiping that he’s only asked what is appropriate because he thinks he’ll be told this woman is up for an affair.

Secondly, sure there are people to gossip. The ones that left before them can say “oh, your wife was alone with single dad x when I left the park yesterday and Sue says it was the same all last week too. Plus when I drove by to grab some milk from the shops today....they were still there a good two hours after school ended! What in earth do they have to talk about...where there’s smoke there’s fire”

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 23:53

@lucy5236

Im my experience, after spending several hours in someone's company on several occasions you know if you fancy them or not so there is no "goodness only knows about it"

I accept you may be confused about "your type" but someone doesn't need to be your type for you to fancy them or to have chemistry etc

Are you womansplaining to a man how attraction works for men?

MsDogLady · 14/05/2021 01:52

It sounds like your dynamic has escalated from random chatting in a group to frequent 1:1 interaction for 2 hours and sharing personal info. You are indeed building an intimate connection with this woman.

Are you confiding about your challenges re the aftermath of your divorce? Is she empathizing or also confiding in you? Does she interject much about her day to day life with her H?

When you two finally leave the park, do you wish that you could stay longer?

In my opinion, you would be wise to distance yourself from these 2 hour, 1:1 personal conversations. That is a lot of emotional energy, time and attention being exchanged with this married woman.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/05/2021 02:01

Sadly, I would be concerned about potential gossip rearing it's ugly head. Some people genuinely live to spread shit all over the countryside, true or not, and rumours can cause a lot of trouble.

AntiHop · 14/05/2021 02:06

Could you invite her and her husband round for lunch with the kids sometime?

MiddleParking · 14/05/2021 02:23

I just wouldn’t want to become known to be always the last one to leave the park, at all. Take your kids home for their tea!

PurpleSneakers · 14/05/2021 03:38

I think you are right to be a bit cautious OP. Familiarity, similarity and proximity tend to make others more attractive to us and you are fragile at the moment. If you are cautious, I would listen to this feeling and take a step back.

Amotherlife · 14/05/2021 07:03

I think it quite possible something could develop even though you are confused about your feelings and still processing a painful break up, because you are in a vulnerable place emotionally. Who knows, she could be too. Her marriage may not be as happy as you assume. It's not that you can't be friends, but that you would be wise to pull back a little and keep things lighter.

It's not so much that people might gossip but that one or other of you could start to develop feelings. And I do think you can start to fancy someone when you get close to someone emotionally. They don't have to be your physical type or the sort of person you are normally attracted to for this to happen.

As for having a frank discussion of how you both view each other as one pp suggested- never go there! It would probably have the opposite effect to that intended.

lucy5236 · 14/05/2021 20:40

@PlanDeRaccordement no I'm not mansplainimg how attraction works. I'm stating that if you've spent a few hours on multiple occasions you know if you find them physically attractive or not.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/05/2021 23:03

@lucy5236
Just because you would know, doesn’t mean everyone else would.

SmileyClare · 14/05/2021 23:19

It's a no brainer to pull back and cool this friendship down especially if you "might" fancy her, you're not sure.

You've experienced first hand the devastation of a wife's betrayal, why even chance doing the same thing to this woman's husband? ..in exactly the same set of circumstances (married mum striking up a close relationship with a dad in the park after school) !

It's so similar to your own marriage break up its almost unbelievable.

Either this is a fantasy or you're subconsciously wanting to boost your (understandably) battered ego by entertaining this rather ironic scenario.

Sakurami · 15/05/2021 16:58

Well I'm a chatter, so talking for 2 hours after the school run is something I used to do sometimes (with other mums) but when the kids were little there was a sahd who used to join our playdates and chat for hours. He was and still is in love with his wife and there was never anything but friendship there.

You are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex and talk for hours. You've also met her husband and it is all out in the open. I don't see the problem.

Maybe tell her your concerns - because this is likely to affect her more than it is you, since you're single.

5128gap · 15/05/2021 18:05

I think it would be the easiest thing in the world for you to fall for her. You really like her, you have a connection, she is kind and interested in you, and you don't find her unattractive. The more time you spend with her, the more attractive she is likely to become. If she doesn't reciprocate you will be hurt. If she does, many people will be hurt. I think the best idea would be to reign it in a bit especially around the personal confiding, as this is where the real bonds form.

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