What is this ‘relationship’?

[Mylifestartstoday]

Met online 14 months ago. See each other once a week. Message throughout the week, very few phone conversations, but lots of messages. 50/50 who messages first.
He feels the same as he did last summer, I don’t. No introduction to friends or family. He is happy the way things are.

I believe that after 14 months you would know whether this had legs, which leads me to think I’m not that important to him. I’ve ended it but wonder whether I’ve done the right thing. I think he has commitment issues from a past relationship. We get on amazingly well. I’m happy with once a week too, I just don’t know if I’m wasting my life.

You've done the right thing by ending it, so stop second guessing yourself. This relationship was going nowhere.

It was a situationship. You were basically just company until something else he wanted came along.

People dont tend to have 'commitment issues' due to past relationships. They just have issues with commitment full stop. Loving someone and getting your heart broken might make you want to not date anymore at all but if someone is just half assed dating...its likely because they are just not that into you. Or assholes.

I would be happy with a relationship like this, but I've had the all involved relationships before and they didnt work out. So he would be perfect for someone who just wants companionship and not much more. You want more so you did the right thing. Don't second guess yourself. There's someone out there willing to have you more involved in his life than your ex DP

Thank you. I’m sad because we do get on amazingly. While I was happy with once a week, the fact he didn’t feel any more than a year ago made me think I’m a filler, waiting for the right one.
He keeps messaging, just normal chat,I’m struggling with it all because to me it’s giving out mixed messages

It's called dating. It's not a relationship until you've met each other's friends and family and start presenting yourselves to the world as a couple.

It sounds like he wants his weekly date, but no relationship. Proceed accordingly.

A friend of mine (a man) has a relationship like this and the dynamics is exactly as you describe. He's happy to carry on as is and feels no need for anything more. His partner probably no longer feels comfortable with things being 'stuck' where they are. The man is not actively looking for a different woman (any woman really...), he just enjoys rediscovering himself after a painful divorce (decades of marriage, adult kids) and doesn't want to invest emotionally in a long-term committed relationship. I'd say it's all fine for as long as it suits everybody but if it doesn't suit you anymore then of course you are right to move on.

It was quite difficult to arrange meeting friends and family during the pandemic, plus not all families are happy families, so there may be some tension associated with that. There doesn't have to be a hidden malicious agenda behind this behaviour necessarily (although it is a possibility).

Because of lockdown I've only met my bf's kids and him mine but we are planning getting together with his parents and siblings in the next few months, starting to see each other's friends etc. We've been together about the same time.

If this isn't a lockdown issue then I wouldn't think he was serious - feel more like something casual.

Yes, he appears happy the way things were. I suppose I was too in a way as I wouldn’t introduce my children to anyone yet, I suppose I feel insecure that his feelings don’t appear to have moved so I feel I’m wasting my time. I don’t want a relationship (mixing children) particularly at the minute but I think I do in the future and so being around him makes that impossible. The whole thing makes me feel extremely insecure so I think I’m right in walking away.

I made the right decision.....always trust your gut. It’s been back and forth as we kept in contact, but he turned quite unpleasant in the end and so I’ve had to block. It’s a shame as I felt we did get along but he was being really awful, I don’t think he thought I would end things. He started becoming quite vicious about how little he cared, how he didn’t really feel anything for me, twisting things around. Messed with my head a little bit.....I was clearly just someone to fill his time. I think I’m staying single, I’m not ready to go through the highs and lows again

I hope that beneath the initial sadness and confusion you can take strength from the fact that you knew you wanted more, that this didn’t add up and that you were able to walk away when the RS wasn’t progressing in the direction you wanted. You knew it in your gut.

You deserved more.

You deserved better than his nasty vexatious behaviour once his weekly shag was removed. Well done for blocking - however if he attempts to continue to harass you via other channels please speak to the police.

He started becoming quite vicious about how little he cared, how he didn’t really feel anything for me, twisting things around.

I can only pray that you ended that convo with "Off you pop then, fuckity bye"

He sounds like an arrogant wanker and you are well rid!

I think its quite possible to have a relationship like you describe and both partners be happy with it, especially post divorce and kids.

However your update shows you are well rid of him!!!

You've done the right thing. That's a waste of time and was going nowhere. Don't look back at it, put it down to experience.

I'm very glad you dumped and blocked him. Enough time was wasted.

He just can't believe you had the cheek to dump him

Could he be married? Only seeing each other once a week, few phone conversations, not introducing you to family or friends . Did you go to his place?

Yeah he's just being spiteful probably because he is hurt/dented ego. Good on you for blocking.

@LycraCladLucy definitely not married (I’d been to his house) I think he’s an arrogant arse. He said he had no feelings for me, and it would never work because my emotion would creep back in.....he twisted it that he dumped me 🤷‍♀️ Made me out to be crazy, hard to describe, but he’s brilliant at twisting everything so I’ve learnt.

[quote Mylifestartstoday]@LycraCladLucy definitely not married (I’d been to his house) I think he’s an arrogant arse. He said he had no feelings for me, and it would never work because my emotion would creep back in.....he twisted it that he dumped me 🤷‍♀️ Made me out to be crazy, hard to describe, but he’s brilliant at twisting everything so I’ve learnt.[/quote]
Life must be tough for him, being unable to find a walking, talking sex robot in this day and age 🙄

@Peach01. That’s how I felt at times. Once I put boundaries in place, he didn’t like it. Also didn’t like any other opinion than his own. I can see why his ex keeps her distance, and his child has started to do the same. But that’s not his fault either 🤷‍♀️

Haven't rtft so apologies if I've missed crucial info but based on your origional post. I think it depends on circumstances.

If you're in your 20s want kids marriage etc then yes you did the right thing, it's not going to be that.

But speakng in my situation, 40 something, don't want to do kids and marriage again then that scenario works.

People always say it's not going to go anywhere but where does something need to go. If you're happy with how it is then surely it's where it needs to be.

I think commited relationships come in all different shapes and sizes. There's not one model fits all.

But in any case he was happy with the status quo, you wasn't so you ended it. As long as you did that so you can move on to be happier single or find someone on the same page as you then you did the right thing.

If, on the other hand you did it to push for something more, something else, something he doesn't want to or isn't able to give. Or you did it because what you had just didn't match others expectations of what is right and wrong then you may have made an error of judgement, but only you know that.

Oh and fwiw, I'm not looking to start a relationship anytime soon, but if I was I wouldn't want to live together, or any of those other things I've done a hundred times over. I would also rather go with the stance of quality time over quantity of time. Doesn't mean I have deep seeted issues regarding commitment. I'm fully able to have a commited relationship but that doesn't mean my idea has to fit in everyone else's box.

I have just broken it off with someone who was behaving weirdly and I found out a ton of stuff about him. We were getting nowhere either. He was stuck in the past and very comfortable talking about his ex to me every five minutes. He has become a horrible man because he can't have her anymore but can't seem to emotionally seperate from her. She's also constantly in contact with him. It's been over two years and it feels like they should have moved on alot more by now. I realised though that he won't ever be able to commit or be a good realtionship whilst she's still poking him every two minutes.

Definitely find someone who is ready topve forward. Good luck

He sounds horrible @Mylifestartstoday !

You say you won’t date again for a while but you sound lovely and I bet you’ll find someone before long who treats you right. How dare he comment on your emotions! What a sad pathetic man! In a few weeks you’ll be even stronger.

@ALittleBitConfused1. I don’t want any of those things either, but he was dictating what night we met, and he seemed to get a kick out of leaving it until the last minute because he doesn’t like to plan.....yet everything else in his life is planned. I think he liked me, I think he liked the sex, but just didn’t like me enough to consider that I might need notice. He also didn’t want those things.....yet when I ended it he said that was part of the reason he hadn’t bonded because he knew I didn’t want them. He has contradicted everything, in order to make it look like his decision. It’s hard to explain, but he’s twisted everything. In his head I’m a crazy lady 🤷‍♀️
He has a child, always banging on about being a single dad.....yet has her 2 nights a month at the minute (child choice). I have mine 7 days a week and, while they’re teenagers, I still have to help them get back from work on a night.
The more I write, the more I realise he’s a selfish arrogant, arse, and I had a lucky escape. I do miss him though, but I need to sort my boundaries out.