Do you think he's always been this way or changed since her?

[Gettingbacktoitnow]

I've walked away from someone 2 days ago scratching my head after 7 months of what I now realise was quite bizarre. Nothing made sense really looking back and I must have been blind for a while as I look back now and think oh dear. What an earth was that?

Basically this guy was 2 years single. You can see from his Facebook his ex holds something special to him. She's still everywhere. He said he sometimes thought about taking certain pictures of her down but they are his memories.

In the photos it seems he went away alot with her family and they were the youngest couple in the trips.

They lived in her house. He claimed to have paid for alot of things in the house and left with nothing for his efforts. He is now living in a half furbished house in a rough area. I always felt after 9 years why did he have nothing to show.

As time went on she was coming up in various ways. They were still in contact. It was weird. He would describe her as his little sister now. But I think that was an excuse. When you went in his house bits of her were everywhere. It bugged me but I hoped he would move on as we were seemingly doing great.

Fast forward a few more months and I realised he was a narcissist. I'm not the first girl who's had her heart broken by this man. He is a coward.once he's had enough he blocks and runs. Has new women to talk to in no time.

He did everything on the list
Over keen at first.
Sob stories.
Gifts.
Soulmates
Love.
Constant contact.
Making out I was the only girl he had ever felt so strongly for.

If I offered him space or an evening to chill without contact he'd flip. He was selfish. Learned he was an ex drinker. He was terrible with money. Wasn't eating properly.

Started pulling me to pieces. Putting me down in various ways Telling lies. Blaming me for every problem we had. Borrowing money. I was starting to walk on egg shells and felt I was managing him. Felt like his mother listening to his problems.

I started realising he had no family in his life. He was negative about everyone. No friends. All these women who he claimed had stalked him were victims of him and his games. It became one massive explosion of truths last week and I thought it's time to get out.

I ended it. But I am now absolutely confused about his ex. She was always lurking around like a bad smell. She knew about me. She dumped him because he was always cheating and needing her money.
How come she ended it and has remained clinging to him? Is this because he's guilt tripped her? Or has he turned horrible since loosing her?

I can see he doesn't give two hoots about me or several other women he's had 4-8 month relationships with. We clearly meant nothing despite his efforts. So what's the deal with this ex? Why does she seem to mean so much to him still? Is it possible that he loves her so painfully and he can't stand the thought of moving on as that ends them for him emotionally?

I've never come across such a weird set up between exes. Most people don't stay friends when the relationship ended on such rubbish terms. It was hardly the happy ending he claimed. It was an ending due to lies and cheating and arguments.

Anyone clued up on narcs?

who knows. Maybe you don't know the full story, maybe she is a narcissist too and carrying on the drama in the background suits them... either way that's a wet knot I would not want to be tangled in! you did well to get outta there

As @pepsicolagirl says, who knows. I wouldn't let him take up any more of your head space or time and move on.

Look at what he did to your head in the space of 7 months @Gettingbacktoitnow. His Ex had it for 9 years! And it still hasn't stopped.

It's been 7 months, you've no kids with this man, really who cares why she keeps him around? Block and be glad you got out relatively early.

This sounds a lot like my ex, except I don't hang around him, I try to be invisible to him.

My advice to you is run!!!

There are plenty of videos about narcissists and how they behave with old supply. They will have a list of exes that they are friends with but I am guessing that his ex is probably still trauma bonded to him to remain friends with him.

It is important to learn about narcissists behaviour to avoid them in future but you can go down a rabbit hole with the many many videos and forget to focus on you.

You need to heal from your experience, so put yourself first and work on your recovery. Block him on everything and make sure there is no way for him to hoover you back.

It sounds like she is getting sucked back in, maybe in a way that you kind of at risk of too. If he is playing mind games, it could be he's quite good at convincing her, and he will probably circle around for you again too.

Who knows and why does it matter now? he was a prick and you are well rid of him.

But i do understand the analyzing of behaviour because i'm terrible at doing that whenever a relationship ends. But the bottom line is that you will never know why he acted this way. To me it seems he was still hung up on the ex, and try as he might to get over her with his passive-aggressive behaviour towards you and her (by way of his words/feelings) he couldn't do it. You didn't "measure" up to her so he treats you awfully because he he's upset you aren't her. I've been there before, it's best to be rid of this one. And don't look back.

It is no longer any of your concern. What difference does it make? You don’t need to know everything in order to move on, it’s a little bit nosy.

So called ”narcs” (I’m assuming you’re not talking about the diagnosable kind), can have some redeeming qualities. Very few people are 100% pure evil. The reasons for her presence in his life could be a multitude:
They may still enjoy one another as friends
There may be interdependency of some sort
They may enjoy revisiting their shared history/memories
Their long knowledge of each other may mean they understand each other in a way no one else can
It may be pity/support for one another
Maybe they know that person will be there for them no matter how many relationships have come and gone since

Then there are the dark ”narc” nightmares you may want to imagine if it gives you some sort of morbid solace.

All of it being a waste of your time. Surely you can think of better ways to occupy yourself?

Thank you. It's the first time ive been involved with such a strange man. It wasn't until I stepped back and thought what a boring life we would have had. He's really not nice and very negative. But he has a very good way of telling stories about his past to make himself interesting. He used to tell me he was spontaneous but he did nothing spontaneous.

I just never made sense of the ex. Why she wasn't glad to be free and moving on. Plus it felt like they should get back together as both of them seemed to want to keep in contact in a strange way. Perhaps she knows her family and friends would not approve or something. Who knows.

It's definitely been an eye opener. Never knew people could be so strange.

Honestly let go. You will never ever know. My friend is in a very similar position ( thought it was her at first) but she is obsessed with proving he is a narcissist.

It could be just as simple as they were both still emotionally attached.

It could be that they enjoy ficking eity peoples heads.

You will never know.

Work on yourself as to why you stayed much longer than you should have. That’s the problem here - not him OR her.

@InTruth

It's been two days. Give me time to process it!

@Ruminating2020

There are plenty of videos about narcissists and how they behave with old supply. They will have a list of exes that they are friends with but I am guessing that his ex is probably still trauma bonded to him to remain friends with him.

It is important to learn about narcissists behaviour to avoid them in future but you can go down a rabbit hole with the many many videos and forget to focus on you.

You need to heal from your experience, so put yourself first and work on your recovery. Block him on everything and make sure there is no way for him to hoover you back.

Bloody this. I have a friend obsessed with them. The thing is you can show horn anyone in to fitting one of the many many many ‘narc categories’

Some people are just arseholes and not necessarily have a personality disorder

Yes I agree. I've dated a standard n.o.b before. But I honestly feel he must be.

He has no empathy and i mean that. He couldn't care less about your feelings if he doesn't want to talk. He has all the bad days in the world but if you have one you are negative. He speaks horribly about other men in his line of work.nobody can do it as good as him. Nasty about every single person in his past. Hates all his family. One of his kids doesn't like him. He has been reckless in the past. Crashed cars. Addicted to weed. Drink problems. Spending all his money. No savings. Nothing in his name.

Then he has this constant need to have women to message. Feels he should be allowed to flirt and his ex was his insecure. I remember him shouting at me that his ex was the same when I asked why he wss flirting online. He is very sneaky with women. But at the same time he drops them when he gets caught out or fears hes gunna get in trouble elsewear. He's literally planned new futures with mother's of young kids and had no intention of doing it. He's cruel. Leaves people blocked with no way of contacting him.

I've only found this stuff out in the last week and pieced it all together with abit of contacting people from his past. He gave himself away. Mentioned people's names he never needed to mention. He wanted me to know he's a wanted man. He always gets women offering their numbers.

He also did the standard you are amazing. Have some flowers. Have some perfume. Your so beautiful.

You would look nice in this. Why don't you wear that? I think your hair would look better like this! I only like you in this colour underwear. Why don't you go back to work? You have too much spare time.

Along with mood swings. Sulking. Angry and in a rage over nothing. Never says sorry. Everyone else is to blame. No fear. Not scared of anything. Said he doesn't know why but he just doesn't care about anything. Overall just a really messed up man. But his it well until the last few weeks. It was like he is we slowly morphing Into someone else.

Didn't know if he's this screwed up because of his ex. But if that's the case not sure why he bothered with me or any of the others when she's still feeding him attention.

He bothers with her because she is his audience

My ex is a weirdo too he tells literal fairy stories about his life and people are expected to believe it he sit from his ex fiance recently very traumatic experience for her she contacted me I ended up talking to her (big mistake) she was crying on the phone saying he was messaging her saying he was with me now and I was literally beating him up telling him we had to be back together or ELSE now this is hilarious for a couple of reasons firstly I dont want the cunt back secondly I've never hit anyone in my life thirdly I put her on face time she could see I was all alone in my back garden while he was telling her I was with him and beating him but he wanted her to feel sorry for him she eventually caved into him and dropped the charges she had bought Against him so he then began a campaign to make her pay harassed and intimidated her out of her home and prevent access to her children who were in Foster care (basically him and his family making masses of allegations they have to investigate before she can see her kids again) he is a vile vicious excuse of a man and I'm sorry his mask didn't slip until I was pregnant for a second time

Be thankful your out!

I think she turned out to be the 'mountain he couldn't conquer'. She obviously saw him for what he was, and left him. I bet her having the temerity to leave has made her a challenge. She's obviously just getting on with her life, and doing OK. He's not missed by her, so he tries to cling on. I bet she's not got photos of him everywhere. She probably knows these other women will see his true colours in time, and isn't interested. He on the other hand seems to punish women for not being able to punish/ control her. It sounds like you've dodged a bullet with him. He'll go on, and on in this cycle and ending up even more bitter.

Yeah I have no clue of her side of the story other than I know he tried to kill himself six months after he moved out and she was the one he rang to say goodbye. But she also has never cut that final tie. She's been texting him alot through lockdown and it would alter his moods. Sometimes he would express she was doing his head in because she was missing her friends and moaning. Sometimes he said she said, if she had known he would stop drinking she would have tried harder. If this was true then she knew about me but was still putting feelings out to him when he was supposed to be seeing me.

So I think they are both to some extent clinging but can't seem to find a way out or to be together. It's odd and really off putting.

I guess he fears being alone and needs to feel wanted and adored by people. I am thinking he always planned to keep her as she was maybe convinient in regards to paying for things and the years they shared meant he formed a close bond, But he couldn't resist looking around and chose to throw away a beautiful woman for attention. But he claimed she wasn't nice either so who knows!

Just pretty annoyed that he needs a therapist not me or any other woman. But he's going to continue this pattern.

I'm glad to be out of it. I wish I could understand what was really going on with the ex. As it may explain certain parts of our relationship. But at least I'll know if men like him ever crop up again.

MN will most likely delete this but honestly I find your posts exhausting! You post about this man every week. I don’t know why you don’t just take the advice given to you on all the other threads.

I get halfway through and think ‘hmm this sounds familiar’, and sure enough it is.

@autumnalrain

Must be so frustrating for you to have to keep reading stuff you don't want to read. Have you ever considered you lurk around on here when you could find a hobby. Maybe start reading a book or something.

If people want to get advice and other posters want to talk to me then what's that got to do with you and why does it bother you. You must sit there with a pen and paper keeping track of stuff. Really weird. I think you perhaps need some therapy as you seem really obsessed with Mumsnet and yet you don't like it at the same time. You don't have to click on posts that do not appeal to you.

I hope you get help soon

@Gettingbacktoitnow

Well aren’t you lovely. I’m calling you out because you’re lying to posters saying this happened two days ago to try and cover the fact that you post about this more than you care to admit.

I use Mumsnet as a pass time on my work breaks just like many other posters. As far as reading a book, I think I’ve got that covered as I’m a literary agent and book editor.

Ironically, I also don’t need help or therapy as my mum is a therapist and life coach. But I find it quite disgusting that you’re trying to trivialise ‘getting help’ or using ‘get therapy’ as an attack.

If anything, I (genuinely) think that you could benefit from therapy to navigate your way through this break up as you are unaware that to ruminate over every detail, and seek answers that you’re never going to get, is preventing you from moving on. This man has become your obsession and it’s not healthy. You won’t get closure from Mumsnet. We can not diagnose this man, nor can we explain why he still loves his ex or why you didn’t run in the opposite direction after discovering his multiple red flags.

The sooner you realise that, the sooner you will be able to live a life free from the hold that this man has over you.

It happened two days ago. I've written on here for advice when I was suspicious. It literally is weird that you are so invested in my life. Why does it pee you off that I'm going through something. People on here want to help me. You don't.

I don't care use your lunch break wisely and stop harrasing usernames on a forum. It really is weird.

More than one person has been through this in the world. It's quite common.
Maybe join the FBI or something.

P.s you are a bully. Hanging around on Mumsnet to bully someone because you feel they are not entitled to express themselves on someone more than once.

Perhaps your mum can teach you it can take time and weeks or months to recover and people should be allowed to talk.

No wonder people suffer when people like you follow them around to let other posters
know theyy have posted before.

10/10 for noticing. How dare I use a relationship forum more than once.

There really isn't a need to be so rude. You sound like the bully here. I agree with the @autumnalrain and @InTruth posters that the questions you are asking us we won't have the answers to. So waiting for the answer is a waste of your time and only going to stop you from moving on.

I didn't realise you are denied to use the forum more than once. You must know rules that I don't. Or you are investing into something you don't need to invest in.

Who are you to decide how I should cope or how quickly I should move on? I am entitled to write what I like and if you have nothing better to do than stalk someone's posts you are spending too much time in the wrong place.

You don't own this site. You don't get to decide the limit on posts. You are not trained to tell people what's best for them

Perhaps I want to speak to other women who know or have experienced the same. Rather than women who would just wake up 2 days later and have forgotten everything because they don't feel things like others do. Lucky you that you don't give a hoot. You are lucky abuse wouldn't affect you. Either that or you have no idea how abuse can affect you. Not everyone can afford therapy and stuff.

These boards help me and I have. Right to use them. I'm so sorry that @autumnalrain
Is sick of my problems. But she sti chooses to read them to wind her up. She can't help people in this situation all she can do is repeat herself about moving on and being a robot who shouldn't have feelings or pay for a therapist because if you take more than two minutes to recover you are your own problem.

Great advice. Thank you. Maybe stop going on the realtionship board and find a category that Interests you.

You'd be rude too if someone had been stalking you on here for weeks. She's an absolute nightmare and I have to keep reporting her.

Wow this was a lot to come back to. But I think I have a character profile now. You like to label people as a ‘stalker’ ‘bully’ ‘narcissist’ because that makes you the victim.

Question: how can I be stalking you for weeks about this if you claim your break up only happened two days ago?

In reality, you broke up months ago when he found out that you had contacted his other ex.

Feel free to report me for stating my opinion and telling the truth.