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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

**Trigger warning** boyfriend asking for oral sex

50 replies

ToThineOwnSelf · 13/05/2021 11:23

Trigger warning

I was raped three years ago and one of the charges brought against the man who raped me was oral rape, it happened multiple times. I had injuries to my mouth which were documented in the forensic medical.

I had a relationship following the incident; my partner never expected or pressured me to give him oral sex, he knew what had happened and understood that it was not something I could do.

That relationship ended and I have been dating someone else for a few months now. I have told him what happened to me including the details.

Every so often he asked me if/ when I will be able to give him oral sex, and whether I am discussing it in therapy. (I have only started therapy privately recently as it was all put on hold last year on the NHS. I have diagnosed PTSD.)

My question is - is it unacceptable for him to be asking me if/ when I can do this? It makes me feel under pressure as I don't know if I will ever not be triggered by it.

OP posts:
CupoTeap · 13/05/2021 11:28

IMO no it's not. He needs to know that it is likely it is something you will never do. And that he needs to stop bringing it up. If you ever feel differently you will approach him.

Tbh his reaction should tell you all you need to know

bunglebee · 13/05/2021 11:31

It's not great. However, IMO it does depend to some degree how the two of you have discussed it. Have you framed it as "I don't like doing it right now" with the implication that you might like doing it again in future/after therapy? If so, he's still self-interested and thoughtless, but possibly not a complete bastard. However, if you've told him that oral sex is off the table right now, end of, then I would chuck him now.

I'm really sorry for what you went through and I hope your therapy is helpful. I would suggest telling him or future partners directly that you don't do oral and don't anticipate that changing; if your feelings do change, fine, but that's your business and your decision and shouldn't have outside pressure on it. Tbh, I would also suggest in future not sharing the details with relatively new partners. I understand why you did though; in the thick of it myself, I couldn't not talk about it.

Best of luck in your recovery Flowers

Marineboy67 · 13/05/2021 11:32

If he genuinely cares for you he will put this issue aside. Pretty inconsiderate of him to even mention. Putting his own wants before you. Knowing what you've told him and still pressurising you should speak volumes really.

Timestablesaretables · 13/05/2021 11:34

You have the right to say no to any act you so choose. He can either choose to stay or end the relationship.
Choosing to stay and them trying to make you do what you don't want, is a dick move.

Berthatydfil · 13/05/2021 11:36

Urgh I would be reconsidering this relationship.
What he is really saying is - my wants override any residual trauma from a horrific assault.
He is hoping it’s something you will get over and give in on.
If he understood he would have mentioned it I’ve and never asked again.

Berthatydfil · 13/05/2021 11:38

Mentioned it once

Lou98 · 13/05/2021 11:38

He shouldn't be bringing it up all the time when he knows it isn't something you're comfortable with.

If you're otherwise happy with the relationship I think if it were me I would tell him one last time that it's not something you're comfortable with and don't know if you ever will be. Make him aware that him bringing it up is causing you stress and if you are ever ready to discuss it you will bring it up.
If after that he mentions it again, I would seriously consider ending it if he can't respect that.

I'm sorry for what you're going through - I've been there and getting therapy was the best thing I ever did, I really hope it helps you too❤️

Tal45 · 13/05/2021 11:43

Tell him clearly that you will never feel comfortable doing it and if he still asks or doesn't like that you said that then you know it's time to move on. x

somersault · 13/05/2021 11:44

It is totally unreasonable to ask, unless you had specifically brought it up to him unprompted first as something you are wanting. Plenty of people just don't like oral sex and don't do it, without having had the trauma you have also had Flowers

AnAwesomePossum · 13/05/2021 12:01

Every so often he asked me if/ when I will be able to give him oral sex, and whether I am discussing it in therapy.

This really stands out to me. It sounds like he thinks your therapy should be for his gain, and that's a really awful viewpoint. You may come to terms with what's happened to you and therapy should help you process some of the thoughts surrounding it but it's not there for HIS desires.

He knows what's happened to you and it's on him to decide if he can live without a certain sex act or not. If he can't, he shouldn't be putting pressure on you to be 'fixed' for his benefit.

I'm really sorry what's happened to you. Flowers

jay55 · 13/05/2021 12:15

It sounds like he wants you fixed for his pleasure, not for your health and well-being.

And I am not saying you are broken and need fixing at all. Just the way you've described it sounds like he thinks therapy is like taking the car in for new tyres, not working through complex trauma.

Shoxfordian · 13/05/2021 12:19

It’s not acceptable at all for him to keep asking you as though you might have changed your mind

Dump this one

espressoontap · 13/05/2021 12:27

I'm so sorry for what happened to you.

Your partner sounds awfully selfish. Your
therapy is private and he should never ask you what is discussed. He knows what has happened to you, he should want to do absolutely anything to avoid putting you under pressure.

I would end it with him - he's pushing his luck without any thought for you.

N0tfinished · 13/05/2021 12:37

I think some people think therapy will 'fix' an issue, you'll bounce out of there with trauma erased and back to factory settings.

Unfortunately that is rarely the case, especially with a terrible trauma like you've survived. It's far more complex and individual. I think if he otherwise seems like a good loving person, you should tell him very clearly that you mightn't ever want to do that. If that's something he can't deal with, then you two should separate.

NashvilleQueen · 13/05/2021 12:41

You don't owe him oral sex. You don't have to 'get better' so that you can give him what he wants sexually. He should accept that it may never happen and that he has no right to ask for a progress report. If he can't or won't then I would rethink the relationship.

AmberIsACertainty · 13/05/2021 12:54

It feels like he's pressuring you because he is pressuring you. It's unacceptable. I'd ditch him. If you don't want to do that I'd tell him, without actually answering his question, that the subject is closed and he's not to mention it again. I'd also tell him therapy is private, for working through your trauma/rebuilding your life/whatever you see it as, that you're not broken and don't need fixing. His attitude towards you stinks TBH.

Original poster
ToThineOwnSelf · 13/05/2021 13:10

Wow, thanks everyone, I hadn't expected to have so many supportive and helpful replies so quickly. Thank you to those of you who have shared your experiences as well.

I am going to have a good think about this.

@bunglebee it's only been a couple of months since I told him, so it's not as if much would have changed in that time. I appreciate your point about not telling partners so early on, but I had a panic attack once when I was him (not caused by anything he had done though), so I felt it would be good to tell him what had happened.

I remember reading on previous posts, 'if you are asking about it here you probably know it's not OK' and I think that is the case here.

OP posts:
bunglebee · 13/05/2021 13:19

Its totally your choice as to whether or when to tell anyone anything; as someone some years down the line, I got quite badly burned a few times telling people about it during the period when I was really struggling with PTSD. Telling someone can really make you vulnerable to them is all, and sadly some people turn out not to be worthy of that trust.

If it's only been a few months then yeah, I think he's not the guy for you, and is way too focused on his own sexual interests and not nearly enough on your well-being.

Hont1986 · 13/05/2021 13:31

It depends how he is asking, I think. He's allowed to want oral sex as part of his sex life, and the only way he can figure out if that is possible in this relationship is by asking. If he's repeatedly asking hoping to get a different answer, then that's bad though.

partyatthepalace · 13/05/2021 13:42

I am so sorry this happened to you.

If you’ve explained pretty clearly what happened to him, I’m very shocked he’s asking - however, to give him the benefit of the doubt if he’s a good guy otherwise - you could explain clearly this is something you may never do, and it’s off the table for discussion till you say otherwise.

Obviously you shouldn’t be doing anything because you can just about force yourself to - only if you actively want to.

This would be a red flat to me, if you don’t want to drop him now - I would certainly have him on probation.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 13/05/2021 13:48

Tell him its unlikely that it will ever be something you will want to do or enjoy. And you will bring it up if that changes but you don't want to be asked about it again. He needs to respect that, and if its a deal breaker for him, best for you to know now.

category12 · 13/05/2021 13:51

I'd get rid of this one.

He's pushy and selfish.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2021 13:51

Your boyfriend is shit. Get rid of him.

Colourmeclear · 13/05/2021 21:01

I agree he sounds shit. I told my partner recently that I'm fairly sure I will never be ok with oral sex because of my past. I can't even remember his response because it wasn't a big deal to him. My feeling of safety and enjoyment of other sexual acts means more to him. He has never asked what I was discussing in therapy and never complained when we were sexless for a few difficult years. There's someone better for you out there.

Honeyroar · 13/05/2021 21:04

He really is awful asking you, knowing damned well what you’ve been through. This guy needs dumping. You deserve someone who respects you and cares about your well being,

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