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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

**Trigger warning** boyfriend asking for oral sex

50 replies

ToThineOwnSelf · 13/05/2021 11:23

Trigger warning

I was raped three years ago and one of the charges brought against the man who raped me was oral rape, it happened multiple times. I had injuries to my mouth which were documented in the forensic medical.

I had a relationship following the incident; my partner never expected or pressured me to give him oral sex, he knew what had happened and understood that it was not something I could do.

That relationship ended and I have been dating someone else for a few months now. I have told him what happened to me including the details.

Every so often he asked me if/ when I will be able to give him oral sex, and whether I am discussing it in therapy. (I have only started therapy privately recently as it was all put on hold last year on the NHS. I have diagnosed PTSD.)

My question is - is it unacceptable for him to be asking me if/ when I can do this? It makes me feel under pressure as I don't know if I will ever not be triggered by it.

OP posts:
MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 21:07

Wow, he's basically saying "have they fixed you yet do I can get my blow job?".

Btw you don't need "fixed" - some people don't like performing oral.sex and simply don't do it. They get partners who are ok with that of they finish, end of.

If you felt differently about oral sex (die to therapy or whatever else), I think you'd have broached it/initiated etc. and that's obvious; so he shouldn't be asking .. it sounds hassly and demanding and selfish (and immature).

Don't like the sound of him tbh.

And you know you can meet a man who's not like him next you did before. That didn't work out for whatever reason but that's not to say another relationship wouldn't.

JellyBabiesFan · 13/05/2021 21:11

Not at all unreasonable to ask as long as it was generally asking and not pressuring you into it.

Sex is a big part of a relationship so he wants to find out early. As long as he asks the once and then respects your answer then I do not see the issue.

Would you rather he waits for years too scared to ask? Yes it might be really difficult for you to discuss and I sympathise with your situation but him asking the question is not unreasonable.

category12 · 13/05/2021 21:39

He's asking multiple times, tho, @jellybabiesfan - read the opening post, so he is neither respecting her no and he is putting her under pressure.

OP, your previous boyfriend treated this issue as it should have been. Your present boyfriend is pushy and I would not trust him as a partner.

Cockenspiel · 13/05/2021 21:54

Ask yourself this:

If he had told you he had been raped and that he was forced to do a specific sexual act, would you then be asking him when he would be doing that sexual act with you?

No. You. Wouldn’t.

That’s all you need to answer to know this is over.

BlueVelvetStars · 14/05/2021 00:55

@Cockenspiel

Ask yourself this:

If he had told you he had been raped and that he was forced to do a specific sexual act, would you then be asking him when he would be doing that sexual act with you?

No. You. Wouldn’t.

That’s all you need to answer to know this is over.

I have to agree wholeheartedly with this OP.

Take your time... let yourself heal.. get rid of this guy.

Be kind to yourself. 🌸

TrueRefuge · 14/05/2021 01:08

@Cockenspiel

Ask yourself this:

If he had told you he had been raped and that he was forced to do a specific sexual act, would you then be asking him when he would be doing that sexual act with you?

No. You. Wouldn’t.

That’s all you need to answer to know this is over.

Completely agree. He is acting so insensitively. I'm assuming he has never suffered trauma - lucky him - and just cannot comprehend the pain it causes you. But he should be way more empathetic. Whether he knows it or not, he's pushing your boundaries and for someone who's suffered the kind of trauma you have, it's just retraumatisation. He doesn't understand that. You need to find someone who does, or you'll struggle to heal.

I would say, since it's so early, you cut your losses. Focus on your own healing, and then find someone who is able to empathise. You will need that quality in spades going forward in a relationship.

I'm so, so sorry for what you went through. I hope you find your therapy beneficial and wish you the best of luck on your healing journey. I found Deborah Lee's book, the Compassionate Mind Approach to Healing Trauma, very helpful and uplifting.

Take good care of yourself Cake

Nancydrawn · 14/05/2021 01:26

He does seem to lack empathy.

But if you want to give him the chance, you sit him down and say, "Not only am I not okay with doing it, I'm really not okay with being asked about it. I think you have to assume it's going to be off the table, and I don't want you to bring it up again. I understand if that's a dealbreaker for you, but this is an important boundary for me."

And then, that's it. If he can't respect that boundary, you'll know that it's not cluelessness or tactlessness or whatever but an actual problem. And you don't have to sit there worried he's going to bring it up again.

MoppaSprings · 14/05/2021 01:41

It does sound like he is pressuring you a bit, or at least being really insensitive about what you have been through.

Other than this issue, how is he as a partner? If he is generally a bit shit then it might be time to go your seperate ways.

If he is usually great and you enjoy your time with him then another honest conversation is needed. Let him know you may never be in a position to give him oral sex and his constant asking makes you feel pressured and that your therapy isn’t to enable you to be comfortable giving oral.

I hope your therapy is helping with your PTSD.

MindTheBumps · 14/05/2021 09:24

I totally agree with what everyone else had put. He seems pushy and selfish and you would be better cutting ties with him.

Wishing you all the best for dealing with your trauma, I am so sorry you went through that.

IJustWantSomeBees · 14/05/2021 17:37

I would go further and say this can be counted as sexual manipulation and coercion. He knows, in no uncertain way, that you are extremely triggered by oral for very obvious reasons. Continually asking you when you're going to do it is sexual pressuring.

I also agree with others - how disgusting that he is trying to make your therapy sessions all about his dick!

YarnOver · 14/05/2021 18:17

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
It is absolutely not acceptable for him to be asking if / when.
It's absolutely awful for him to be even mentioning imo.
I would be seriously considering a relationship with someone who could honestly be asking about this, to someone who has been through what you have.
I'm so sorry OP

Singlenotsingle · 14/05/2021 18:24

I expect he could get a sex toy that mimics oral sex. (I don't know, I'm only guessing). Suggest it to him. Tbh he's a bit too much fixated on sex anyway IMHO.

Malena77 · 14/05/2021 21:52

Not ok and he’s either incredibly selfish or just plain stupid. Whichever it is - not a good relationship material.
Please focus on therapy. Even if you heal - it may still be your choice to never give oral sex - and that’s absolutely ok.

Casmama · 14/05/2021 22:11

I think you either end it or say that you don't think you will ever be ok with it and he can either move on to find someone who will or not ask you again. If you ever did get to a point where you wanted to do it you could but I think you should be clear it's off the table permanently.

Original poster
ToThineOwnSelf · 04/06/2021 18:41

Thank you everyone for your replies and I am sorry for not replying sooner - shortly after posting I was offered and started a job that does not involve a computer and has been very full-on!

I really appreciate all the replies x

OP posts:
whatisheupto · 04/06/2021 18:43

Disgusting. Get rid. Plenty of people never give oral sex because they don't like it, and their partners don't mind.

category12 · 04/06/2021 18:44

What have you done about the boyfriend?

AlmostSummer21 · 04/06/2021 18:51

I was reading your OP thinking 'oh god, not another one' then realised it was you. I didn't post last time as I thought the others had already covered it!

How are you doing? What have you done about his 'requests'?

I'm so sorry for your trauma 💐I hope the bastard is locked up!!

Chloemol · 04/06/2021 19:05

No it’s not ok, and he obviously is not thinking of you and only himself

I would be leaving

Treesinthewind · 04/06/2021 19:21

This would be a big "No" from me. I was regularly coerced into oral sex by my abusive ex. I told my current boyfriend that I have issues with it, and he completely understood. Because he doesn't pressure me at all, I'm ok doing it on my terms, but I've told him about how having my head held down triggers me etc. If he did put on any pressure at all, I wouldn't be able to. Getting a blow job is not a human right.

user7891011 · 04/06/2021 19:31

I think it's incredibly unreasonable, if you wanted to do it you would just do it. Very insensitive and a superficial issue in a good relationship. I would think he wasn't as caring as he making out, so sorry about what happened to you.

Original poster
ToThineOwnSelf · 06/06/2021 20:25

Update: it's over with him. There were other things that weren't OK either. Thanks again for all the helpful advice.

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 06/06/2021 20:30

You’re worth more than a man who thinks having his dick sucked is more important than triggering horrific memories of his girlfriend’s rape.

SuperstoreFan · 06/06/2021 20:46

I'm glad that you got rid of him, he sounds awful.

GCAcademic · 06/06/2021 20:48

Well done, OP. I'm not surprised to hear there were other issues too. That is not a decent man.

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